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Friday, 30 July 2010

Laughing so hard

So I was at having dinner the wine is flowing and I'm chatting with my mother (she isn't drinking) the flies are annoying us, they come in late at night. Without saying a word I hit one on the table. We cheered and continue talking.

Then another fly goes past me, it lands near me, without thinking I strike it hard.

My mum spat her dinner out and starts laughing, the husband screams as he hit the floor and calls me a useless fucker for the side-on strike to the head. Oooops the fly was on his head!!!

Still laughing now!

Friday, 23 July 2010

Husband arrrrrggggghhhh!!!

The husband is on top form, turns out he pimped up his last company car and we just got a huge bill for bigger alloys, nicer car mats and a non standard colour FFS! Its a couple of thousand the bill, should he not of discussed commiting us to that??

So because I think he was selfish for adding such extras to his car he isnt speaking to me. As ever I'm the bad guy but that money will have to come from the families savings therefore its the families decision ?? right??

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

The trip

This morning was a tad stressful. Husband went to hair dresser and left me to pack car.... Fucking useless twat has took the roof box keys with him! When he got back gave me the keys and went to shower. "Don't worry honey I don't mind doing EVERYTHING"

Mum cried as my dad said fair well, he kissed me and the kids then left. The exclusion from the affection hurt her, I get it but she has to take some responsibility for that.

Stopped for a lush picnic... I am a domestic goddess after all and the spread even surprised me at how great it was.

Got nearly 4hours left of today's driving (or maybe a lot longer if the London traffic is bad) and the kids are already asking "are we nearly there yet?"

Considering the close confines in the back of the car with my Mum they are being really good. So proud of them.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Packed but not ready

All anyone has done today has told me to "stop frowning", I can't!

"Are you excited for your holidays" they ask, I've smiled and said I will be when Ive finished packing, its the most I cant muster at the moment.

Good news is I've managed to fix a few work based problems so at least that part of my world should not implode.

Dad is ill, in a state as he knows he has fucked up at work big style, he is grateful Ive fixed it but not coping well. There house goes up for sale on Thursday, Mum does know.

As for Mum, every day this week she has been on in tears. My brother has told her unless she admits she is a drunk he will not tolerate her any more in his life. Tough love perhaps but its not helping her. She can hardly speak without tears falling down her face and tomorrow morning from 8am she is my property for 3 weeks.

On a personal level, Ive never felt so alone in my life. But I wish I was alone for the next 3 weeks.

I keep focusing my thoughts on the time with the kids I know that's going to be amazing, it will be my everything.

While Im Away

My good friend NV is going to be posting for me. I have access to my email via my blackberry and no doubt I will be needing to get it out of my head over the next few weeks. So whilst I might no get a chance to visit your blogs, keep me posted, email me any of your posts so I don't miss out x

Thanks for being there xxxxxxxxxxx

and super big thanks to Nolens Volens for taking care of my baby in my absence x

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Im so loved

This morning my son woke me, he was singing while sat on the toilet, I lay there smiling half asleep as he murdered JLS My heart wont beat again.

I must of dozed off, I was woke by a kiss on the cheek and a big smile. He was proud of himself he had made me breakfast, a huge bowl of bran and fruit, I dont like it but today its my favourite. I eat it with his hand guiding every spoonful in, I so know I'm loved.

Monday, 12 July 2010

happy birthday

It was my youngest birthday party on Sunday, he's 7 this week. He is one of those kids everybody loves, he is funny but not cheeky, he is always laughing and making jokes, full of manners and he dances whatever he does where ever he goes.

The party was themed.... Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory... it was a success, we had chocolate fountains with marshmallow and fruit kebabs, 12 different sorts of cakes, 8 sorts of sweets, biscuits, chocolate dipped apples,chocolate milkshake in a drinks fountain... nothing sensible to eat, it was like a kids dream feast.

With the stress of the previous week I didn't get a chance to start sorting stuff out for the party until Thursday. I dropped the kids off at dance class and dashed to the shops. When I got home the husband was just back from a week away and grumbling where tea was. I foolishly felt bad and cooked for him them started baking.

I finished at around 1am and headed to bed. The next day started with a coffee and a cry. A good friend sat and held me while I let go. I felt so much better, I didn't look it when I headed to work but my heart didn't ache as much. I was there 2 hours when I got 2 calls back to back. Daughter was sick at school and mother had fallen drunk.

I sorted daughter out and went to check on mother and get birthday cake that my mother had offered to make to find than when drunk she had destroyed it. I was devastated but not to be defeated.

After dance classes Friday I worked late making biscuits and more treats for the guests. I got up early and was at Costco for it opening grabbed the last of what I needed and returned home to do more dance class Taxis! Thankfully while sat watching my children dance from the comfort of my car I received a phone call, Dutch, the call made me smile, it put a bounce back into my step. He called again a little later, we talked so easily, we discussed the possibilities of meeting again when I return from holiday.

I had left a list of what was needed to be taken to my parents house for the husband and when I returned nothing was done, well he had 're prioritised' to quote him. He thought sorting the garage out was more urgent than a party for our son.

As you can imagine the rest of my night was spent driving food and play stuff to my parents house (which was where the party was).

I was at my parents for breakfast with both kids, the husband was to follow on once ready. He arrived at 12.15 (party starts 1pm) I had managed without but I was so angry. When he arrived he had forgotten the pump for the inflatables and he had to go back for it. He got back after the first guests arrived.

I was face painting the kids as the arrived, Dad was setting stuff up for me and Mum was staying sober and helping with the food.

I asked him to sort drinks out for the adults that were staying, he tended to the first guests and then he got him and his mates some cans of lager and sat down. I wish he hadn't been there. I would of rather been annoyed at his absence than seen him sat being ignorant.

We played games for nearly 4 hours, stopping only for sweets and chocolates. Id lost my voice from shouting, my feet black from running in the grass, my face aching from laughing and smiling with the kids.

The party was amazing, this morning parents stopped me to say their kids thought it had been the best ever party. My son says I'm the best Mum in the world but I think that was down to him getting an IPod from me!

At least I can see I won yesterday, I enjoyed my day regardless. I often worry if I leave him what will I do, I have been with him over half my life, my entire adulthood, the answer is just as I do now, I see that, I just need to believe it a little more.

Thursday, 8 July 2010


Alone again, husband hasnt come home, he text to say he is staying away another night. We spoke briefly this morning, he was telling about a minor issue he has at work and asked if I would draft a letter and review a contract, I told him how things were, that I felt I couldnt cope with much more pressure at the moment, work, family, marriage and its our sons birthday party also this weekend, his reply was, dont worry I dont need it till monday. I sat crying in the car, I felt so isolated, so alone, Id tried to speak up and say I couldnt cope and he didnt even enquire further.

The stress of everything is takings its toll and im worried for my Dad. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders and its making him ill. Things have gone bad at work, we head home early to find some quiet to think and regroup our thoughts and find Mum drunk again

I needed a friend last night and it turns out he was there for me I just didnt have my phone on. He was there again this morning for me and I didnt see until it was too late.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

I need a hug

cant even begin to explain what a bad few days Ive had personally, Ive been distracting myself with thoughts of the weekend and blogging. Today things got worse, both at work and family.

Things just got too much for me today and I left work early. The tears keep appearing and I don't know what to do I feel like if I let them out they wont ever stop. I can't show anyone I'm failing so badly they are all relying on my to keep them strong but nobody is checking on me. It seems to be a one way street instead of a circle of support. Maybe I'm just being selfish and not seeing it.

I just wanted one thing positive to come from today, I'm sat alone, sat in totally dispair and cant find what it could be. Wishing the kids weren't away tonight as I could really do with a hug without questions as I dont have the answers for myself.

Monday, 5 July 2010

Took TRIP to Amsterdam, FELL for Dutch

Obviously this week I will spilling the naughty stuff on the other blog but I need to put the other 'stuff' down, I need to try and put some order to it all.

I was so nervous leading up to this weekend worried I would be a let down, I knew he was such a great guy and felt a fell far short of him. It seems he harboured the same worries.

It was such a relief to see him at the airport, right up to that moment I thought it was all going to be a cruel joke.

Sat in the taxis the way he looked at me said it all. The relief must of been evident, I could feel myself melt, he touched my hand and took hold of me, it was like electricity flowing.

When we got to room and we drew close together, he held me so tight, I felt like he couldn't pull me close enough, it mirrored how I felt. Every moment felt so intimate, when he came he held me, when he sensed I need to be held while cumming he wrapped himself around me. At one point on Saturday night I cried when cumming, it was so intense and I was in such a raw emotional state, my soul was lay naked along with me, I let go and came and allowed my emotions to follow. I lay in his arms feeling so wanted, I hope it was right.

Early hours of Sunday morning as we settle down to spoon and sleep, my mind was racing, we were now entering the last few hours together and I wanted more. I needed to know if this weekend was it? did I stand the chance of becoming his lover or were we to be back at friends. I got brave and asked, he said he wanted to do this again.

I'm trying my best not to keep thinking about it but all my thoughts are consumed by him and I don't understand yet what he wants, I don't mean that I expect a full relationship from him, we are miles apart and I cant disappear to Europe every other weekend, and there is that minor detail of a husband I have. But for me this weekend was more than sex, I felt we connected, I hope he feels the same too.

Regardless of the fluffy details though this weekend I know I have a friend, I know I want to spend more time with him whatever the terms.