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Sunday, 28 February 2010

Im Back - but limping :-(

Landed late last night and back home to empty house. Kids are away for a few nights with my parents. I'm out with friends today from 12! wine tasting, food then drinking till late, back t mine for a Wii party!!

I shall no doubt regret all as Ive had 3 hours sleep in 3 days due to having a fall while away. Ive dislocated by knee, done some kind of ligament damage and I knocked myself clean out for a few mins. So will have to rethink the foot wear tonight! Outfit will now have to suit riding boots me thinks. That should also hide the swarm of midgie bights that have accumulated this week on what is otherwise nicely tanned legs.

Had an amazing time with the children this week, my daughter is such a beautiful person and i don't just mean to look at. she is graceful, polite, intelligent and humble, she is only 8 yet but played mother to all the small children at the pool side and the disco. share all that she had and took nothing.

My son, wow, he is growing up so much he is 6 and remove the graceful, that he is not and replace with dirt finding and cheeky but again he had shared everything and took pleasure from watching others enjoy his toys. He has entertained everyone and just like me he loves to dance for him life has a rhythm, everything he does has a skip, a wiggle or a foot tap, he says everything he does has a tune in his head... it made me smile so much.

Ive spent a week as a proud Mum.

But.....Confused by the husband, he has gone away as I return home yet he said he was desperate to see me and the kids, again words seem easier than the actions. It worries me the distance he puts between us (inc the children) they complained they missed there grandfather daily, never him.

This time next week my lover returns for 4 days. I'm started to get excited, it's been about 6 weeks since I've been touch or held in any significant way and I so need it. I need to curl up in his arms right now and drift of to sleep knowing I'm cared for.

Off to paint nails, drink a bucket of coffee and polish tan!

Friday, 19 February 2010

away for the week

I'm packed and ready, car coming early tomorrow to collect me and the kids.

Only things outstanding are:

Not speaking to Mother (who is coming with me)
Husband not speaking to me (he isn't coming with me)
Putting the bins out

1st one is an issue... but I think it will resolve itself by either necessity or me hitting the bar getting drunk and telling her to stop moaning and sort her life out.(may be not a great plan as her problem is drink, but its all inclusive so I'm planing on letting my hair down and filling my boots)

2nd one also a slight issue but it will save on phone bills as no point calling him other than to check if there is an international dial tone on his phone as I think he has fucked off to Spain without telling me. If he has, it will be a gift, it will be a catalyst for the end.

3rd.. major issue.... its snowing and i have just painted my toe nails so can only wear flip flops until they dry! I'm sure I will cope or the driver will do them for me.

I think the suit cases are way over weight but been through it a few times and I cant bare to remove anything else. The kids back packs are jam packed to the top I think children's services will be called when the see the torture of them carrying them. As for me, I will be like Heidi, wearing all my belongings. Have even dumped some toiletries and will buy them when I get there so I could have another pair of heels!

posts might be thin on the ground so bare with me, I so need a rest, a tan and some time with the children away from the husband

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

and i thought i covered it up well

My children attend many dance classes and I am great friends with the owners of the dance school and some of the mums, I'm the one that gets things organised. I'm the loud one the kids listen too.

To go along with the image of the confident mum you have to hold the thought that I'm fuller figured, work in the creative sector but hold senior positions so I dress loud but professional.

So I turn up at dance in my work attire, knee high 5" boots, lace stockings, a low cut black wrap dress and hair up, make up on full tilt. All other mums are in sweat pants or jeans and t's. I'm chatting away to one of the girls who ask why and how I always look so glam when the owner chirps up yes how come you are, we are all running a book on you being a dominatrix and if your not you should be!

I laughed so much, seems the sexual nature is hard to hide. she even offered the use of the basement if i need premises!

Monday, 15 February 2010

escaped the weekend

I did the equivalent of drunk and dial, I got totally off my face and emailed! Never a good start to a weekend.

I told HIM I'd had enough, yet again he had told me he would be online and I agreed to be there. Yet again he stood me up! this time his wife wasn't home he had just gone out. Now don't get me wrong I don't care if he goes out or what he does I dont own him, I just care that he asked me to be there and I was, he didn't have the common decency to text or email to say his plans had changed.

Back to the husband....

I was wrong to panic that he would ask for sex, he never touched me, he never tried to even kiss me all weekend, with an exception of a kiss on the cheek as he passed over a perfunctory valentines card.

He got me flowers and chocolates and immediately took the huff that I hadn't got him anything. I promptly reminded him that last year he didn't get me anything and in his defence last year he had said that we were past needing to get gifts for each other on such days and he didn't get me anything for Xmas not even a gift or card from the kids to Mummy. Again I don't care so much that he didn't, but it bothers the hell out of me that he thinks he is now the injured party and has not stopped mentioning it since.

Im back at work now and pleased of the sanctuary. I'm fortunate to work with my best friend and whilst she only knows one side of me its enough for anyone to cope with... that stated she does say im the most entertaing and sexy of people she knows (and she doesnt know the half of it)... I must be paying her too much!!

Friday, 12 February 2010

Valentines day sucks

I have managed to avoid the last 2 valentines days by working away but alas its a Sunday! I am doomed!

My parents delivered the devastating blow to me, I almost fell to the floor as I felt me knees buckle when they said great news, we are taking the kids out and they can sleep over! My mum added insult to injury by winking and doing an unsavoury hip action for a woman in her 60's!!

Part of the worry is that he will make an effort, silly really but now we have got this far i want him to continue to ignore me. I don't want to be the one the turns him away for sex when he has been doing that to me for years.

I want to be able to say he hasn't, he didn't, he wont and he will not .... as I know that he will think one effort will negate the years of neglect. And it wont, it cant ever.

So operation avoid valentines when into full wing this morning

1) we got free cinema tickets from a supplier! (great sit in silence in a room full of other people, and yes i did go and buy them cash this morning)

2) tampons placed silently in full view on the loo(enough said, he is never going to check!)

3) best friend emergency on standby (she is ready to fake being dumped by fake boyfriend... payment in wine and choc's)

4) have worn glasses all night saying I feel like a migraine is about to start (worst case scenario I go hide in a darkened room at a moments notice... must make sure mobiles are charged so I don't get bored!)

Must say last valentines was so much better, was in UAE, I got asked out by an international footballer and got Paparazzied at a posh function ending up in paper!

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Too little too late

from being ignored to this.... give me being ignored please!

The husband has decided to be full on!!!! I've had 2 days of him touching me and trying to kiss me, I hadn't realised how much I had moved on. I felt violated when he grabbed my bum, I would of welcomed a stray feel from a stranger in a crowded pub more. As for him trying to kiss me on the lips, he hasn't kissed me like that for over a year. I felt suffocated and turned my head. he even asked how my day had been and what my plans were for the weekend.

Last night he was drunk and he tried to touch me while he thought I was asleep, I lay so still and fought back the tears. It hurts that he doesn't consciously want me.

Perhaps he has realised I'm backing away?? perhaps he has counted up what he is going to loose?? perhaps he is feeling guilty?? whatever it is its too little too late, I cant do it anymore, I dont want him anymore.

And whatever it is I have a feeling it is going to bring things to a head this weekend. Cant believe its valentines! that could be great time for it all to end.

My daughter was looking at cards for her Dad and brothers and asked if I was getting daddy one, out the corner of my eye I saw a 'sorry you're leaving card' an idea I had had the other day, it had a picture of cases packed on it, I chuckled for a moment and thought luggage idea would compliment it well! I answered the daughter that there wasn't a card that explained how I felt about Daddy there.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

and he wonders why

I have a good job, actually no, I have a brilliant job. I'm admired and respected. I'm decisive and a good leader.... so why do I put up with the shit at home?

last night we had friends over and the husband started to berate me. Calling me, embarrassing me. All I did was apologise for him and take it! This morning he said he could remember and that he would apologise to our friends when he sees them... where is my apology??? it seems I don't deserve one.

Do you think luggage is a good valentines gift?? currently looking for a sorry you are leaving card to go with it... I wish I had the strength.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

foolish love

yet again i stared at the screen hoping for my lover to appear all night. He arrived back in UK this morning and message to say be online....he never appeared.

I like my ability to take people at their word, i do not wish to change that. But for 3 days he has said he will be there, 3 days he has not. Clearly Im a fool. But I'm a fool in love which is hard as I know I would advise any friend to step away and yet I still want him. I just need to make sure he thinks for a moment I dont. I need him to worry he might loose me, his everything he says... clearly Im not but I do so enjoy the fantasy.

I await the excuse, the reason I will forgive him as I know I will, Ive forgiven so many other things already.

Friday, 5 February 2010

friday.....I hate fridays

The start of another weekend looms. Upside is that I still have 2hours of hiding left but after that I have the weekend from hell ahead.

My brother and his family are up and that alone is a challenge never mind spending extended time alone with the husband.

We make sibbling rivallry look like childs play. Now he has children not only does he want to compete with me he wants his children to be taller, stronger, prettier in the grandparents eyes. It sort of amuses me as he stresses about it and I see past it all. Its a shame he does it as I think it puts a barrier with the children instead of allowing them to develop there friendships naturally.

Mum confessed this morning that shes been drinking again, she forgets she rang me pissed and told me already! at least it allowed me to clear the air with her as I hate the lies that come with every bottle.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

can the week get any worse?

Just lost a major business investment, one of my favourites but alas the recession is cruel and currency has crippled them.

Just back in from work, (altough did take a break for a dance class) its 10.30pm. Told husband my bad news when I cam home, he shrugged and told me to turn lights off and check front door before I come up to bed. Silly really I wanted a hug but I wont ask for it. Not anymore.

before the bed news hit I did enjoy a pamper, got hair done, colour and cut to try and boost my mood in the middle of a hard week, tomorrow im getting my nails done... Im high maintenence but self maintained x

Tonight I so need to spoon with my lover, fall asleep in his arms as he strokes my hair.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

long hard day

Spent the day in turmoil but having to smile on the outside. Found solace in Adem (music) and recollected a happier day.

I should be smiling as I made the difference to 8 people when I worked as a volunteer this morning and really made a difference but tonight I'm alone and empty whilst sat with the husband. I need to make a decission, I need to be strong, I need to not be afriad of being alone for the right reasons.

I so need a hug x

Monday, 1 February 2010


Spent the weekend avoiding being touched by him which is foolish as he never does. I just want to gain the moral high ground. I want him to of failed, I want him to be the one that didnt make the effort not that I turned him down after all this time.

I last saw my lover on Thursday and other than the children no one else has touched me, I doubt he has even spoken to me directly other than for a function.... is tea ready... whos picking up the kids....

In my head Ive packed and left him. Its purely geography that says Im married to me. Im more lonely in the bed with him there than when he is away.

It silly really as at work im so decisive, very to the point and demanding. At home theses days i hide, i do anything for the quiet life. It was horrid in September when i told him it was over, we had weeks of long drawn out discussions that went round in circles.

For years I have begged for his attention but now I've gone past the point of no return. Now i dont want him to touch.

We've had so many big discussions on this subject when ever ive brought it up he tells me he is tired, stressed and not feeling attractive?? for 3 years! yet he has changed jobs, lost weight and get more sleep than a bear in hibernation.

His come back is that I dont do enough, I dont clean the house enough... if you knew me you would laugh, we have such a clean house, we have such cared for children, in addition to me running multiple businesses and coping with an alcoholic mother I dedicate myself to the children and previously my marriage.

In september it made me laugh so much when he said for the last 6 months I hadnt contributed to the housework as much as I should. When I reminded him that I was doing 2 full time jobs at director level, working 7 days a week and 14hr days and he was unemployed he said that was unfair to use as an excuse!!! go figure? I was bringing in the money and not complaining that he was doing nothing, just supporting him, helping him. Writting job applications for him and draft versions of his CV, it seems I cant do right for doing wrong.