Search This Blog

Sunday, 29 August 2010

kids are back

It was such a wonderful moment as the ran out the car and clung to me. It stayed like that for the rest of the day.
God I love them so much. They are my everything.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

A bad day and tomorrow is already worse

I met with a male friend for coffee and he distracted me for an hour, I havent seen him for over a year and it was nice to see him again. I forgot how funny he was.

I never slept much last night, there is too much going on, the little sleep I had I was shouting and talking in my sleep.

It been a real tough day at work today, so much to do and tough decissions being made. Tomorrow I have to lay people off, I get to tell my best friend who I love dearly that she has no job.

I have no choice but it doesnt make it any easier to do. I wish I could talk to someone about it all, the husband is in the huff because I told him to give me 10 minutes space when I came in the door, he was complaining I hadnt put away some shoes. He now wont even speak and is being childish saying he is givng me space.... about 100 miles would be a little better I want to yell.

I would never leave him to be so isolated in times of need, Im there when he is stressed offering helo and advice.

He knows what is going on at work, I told him last night, he poured me a drink and said I could have the remote and choose what I wanted, I looked real hard but there wasnt a "blow the fucking idot up button".

As ever I wish I hadnt told him, I wish I had chosen to isolate myself and then I can only blame myself for it. Instead I get to feel that and the let down.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Feeling too fragile

Monday it all got too much for me, i was sat with the tears pouring down my cheeks, i was alone, nobody to touch me. A good blog friend messaged me, I told her things were a bit much for me to cope with. She replied and asked why:

Me to Her
Just too much at once, as ever I'm the one being strong for everyone else and no body is here to hold me. Looks like I might have to make my best friend redundant next week when she gets back off vacation. Dad is still in France with the kids and my mum but he is in such a state about work, he has been on the phone in tears today, he is such a strong man it kills me to hear him in this state. I'm trying to keep him focused and strong, stop him worrying and shield him from the problems but I can't take much more myself.

I feel like I have a scream trapped in my throat. I can't stop to think as I feel the tears well up.

I need somewhere to escape to and be wanted but that is far from on the cards at the moment, the last man I thought wanted me for just being me doesn't. The husbands lack of interest in me and my life is hard to bare.

And to add salt to the wounds I decided to deal with a huge issue from childhood with the therapist this week! I don't know what possessed me to think I should do this now but its eating at me so I suppose now is as good a time as any.

I'm left feeling fragile and exhausted, not sure what to do as there is so much to deal with. Trouble with being the strong one all the time nobody is there for you.

Her to ME
Oh, I am too familiar with silent screaming. What's going on with the work? No job? I have sat here at my desk on many days trying to keep the tears from falling. You and I seem to be very similar creatures. Is your Dad in ill health, is that why you're trying to shield him?

It's terrible wanting to escape and being unable. Our problems are the opposite yet the same. I give myself to everyone around me and don't take any time for myself. Unfortunately, the arms that I used to escape to still want me but are 1000 miles away. You feel drained, alone, and you want to scream, "I want my soul back!" Add that to abuse from the past and you realize that everyone has taken a piece of you you'll never get back. They take without asking and we give without rebuttal. We're always the strong ones. We're always the ones with the perfectly ironed linens and flowers on the table, not letting anyone see that we are flawed and cracked and the super glue that was used to put our chips back in is getting old and we're falling apart. We can't fall apart because we feel it would freak everyone out around us to see our weakness. Our friends would leave because we don't think we have any deep friends but one or two. We don't want those people we socialize with to see that we're not a perfect and regular couple with regular problems or a regular person that just has some issues. We are weak. We are tired. We need to be wanted for nothing more than being wanted. We fuck because we want to feel good about ourselves and look to others for approval of our bodies, our needs, our desires.

Am I getting warm?

She knows me, as she knows herself. Thanks so much for understanding me and you kind words and of course the offer to drink till the small hours xxx

Last night I cried so much, I stood in the shower letting the water hide my tears.

Monday, 23 August 2010

love me, love me not

I hate that I want to be loved, it would be so much easier if I could switch that side of me off. In recent years the one man that I felt truly loved me, who really wanted the raw real me, no compromises, I can not have. He lives the other end of the country and there are so many reasons why we should and can not be together.

The husband says he loves me but has not shown it for years, words are too easy for me it is the actions that occur without request of necessity.

In recent weeks I met a man who within days thought he was in love with me, my sexual nature, my determination for life, my passion for work and commitment to my family; but he wasn't, I told him either the novelty of me or his cock would rub off... the novelty went first.

Other than my Dad the only other man to say he loved me was M. But he never knew the other side to me, so it is unfair to say he truly loved me as it was subject to there being any impacts of reality.

I think I am too complicated for most men to love entirely.I can also struggle to find the words to explain how I feel when I'm with a lover, the man who did truly love me used to say I didn't need to, that he could hear everything I couldn't say to him through my eyes.

I'm successful at work and feisty, I don't suffer fools easy and love to entertain the room. But at home I am the polar opposite unless needed to be. I like a man to be a gent, carry the bag, open the door, take my coat.

In the bedroom I like to be submissive and naughty, but I'm extremely tactile and affectionate and need that in return. However if the mood takes me I'm happy to take the lead.

I am a mother first, then myself second. I adore my children and have so much passion for what they do.

I think it will take some amazing man to love me, want me as I am and no compromise, I hope that when I am ready to be in love again that I find him.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

cant sleep

Thank god for NV! 4th night of not being able to sleep, I've been up from 3am tonight, 2am last night and the same the other 2 nights. Too much going on in my head to rest but being so tired isn't helping me deal with stuff.

The therapist also was such a good friend helping me talk through until 6am this morning I'm sure I was a very sobering experience for help, his first hours messages were from a drunk friend, an hour later he was hitting the right keys and I know longer had to decipher his words into a none drunk format.

Missing the kids like crazy and still another week to go until they arrive home. They are having an amazing time and they look great, 6weeks in France has clearly done them good, but 3weeks away from my, even though I know they are in good hands is now feeling too much. I'm planning a special day for them next week and I got 3 weeks of hugs and kisses to catch up on with them.

Husband is being his usual asshole self. He can be so selfish and blinkered at times. He still hasn't sorted out the counciling, I'm not sure what to do with it now. Don't know if I should organise it, which is the sensible thing to do but he made such a drama out of the fact he was going to do it to show his commitment to trying to fix things part of me wants to see how long he will leave it this time. I know its counter productive but I'm at that point that I would rather he proved me right.

Work has been so hard, key staff are on holiday and I'm trying to launch I new company and deal with a huge problem that has me deciding whether to close the company down or not. This week ahead will be crucial.

Going to try to sleep again. I need someone to hold me as I try to sleep, whisper they want me and tell me everything will be ok and that they are there for me. ( It beats the 'FFS can't you just chill' I got from husband last night when I got up)

Monday, 9 August 2010

Im Back

Hello *big waves*

I'm back, I made it!

Not sure if I'm still sane, others will have to judge that. I have to say I don't feel like Ive had a holiday. I have cooked and cleaned for two brats and my 2 children. The husband and mother behave exactly how I thought they would.

My Father arrived a week early and added to the mad house and the work load. I hadn't realised that my mother was allergic to the kitchen.

The husband was a lazy twat and we had a few rows down to his parenting skills, he doesn't get that being the fun daft parent only score points with the kids when its enjoyable... get this...

The son, who at best meets the world with his head, he is more than a tad accident prone but he bounces well. This day he slips on the stairs and tumbles down a few. The husband is only 2 or 3 feet away playing on the Wii, the son lies there crying holding his head and elbow. Guess what happened next

a) he rushes to his aid
b) he shouts for me and I deal with child
c) he turns and says this game only has 20 seconds to go, just wait

I shall post the answer in comments so it is a nice surprise for you...

Wednesday, 4 August 2010


Needing to be home now, I've had enough. Husband driving me mad and Mother is even worse. The first week my Mum cried more than she didn't. Spent most of my time distracting the kids and soothing my mother even though at at times I wanted to slap her. I've had to say some harsh thing but now is the time to be honest with her.
Funny thing is one day she said I deserved to be sainted for puTting up with hubby and on the same day hubby said I deserved a knighthood for putting up with my mum! It would make me laugh if I was so scared I would never stop and hysteria would start!

A week ago my dad turned up, he was missing the kids to much. The aren't arguing (they are in the middle of a split) but they are both being martyr, I'm ready to bang there heads together!!

They are both trying to be the most hurt, the most left out the most sacrificial. I went out today for an hour alone, I was ready to scream. I've had a headache for days and its all of them that's causing it.

Yesterdays In The Real World post took it out of me as well. I spent most of last night up worrying if I'm doing the best for my children. I came to the conclusion I'm doing my best and I can do no more, nothing I do for me effects them negatively so I suppose I just got to wait and see what adults I produce.

Beam me up Scotty (and deliver me home)

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Go check me out on Real World!

"A few years ago I had an affair.  It wasn't something I had planned...but it was amazing because someone actually wanted me. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Since then, I've enjoyed other affairs.

I do not seek a new partner. I do not wish to introduce a new person to my children because their lives are at such a key stage of growing up. But I came to realization some years ago - I had lost myself. When I am with my lover, I am me. They hold me, they see me, they listen to me. It keeps me smiling and make me have a feeling of self worth.  I feel whole again."

That's just a snippet of what I participated with NV on "He Said She Said" in Real World.  Go check me out!