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Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Can't decided

Am I due on or is the husbands insistence on breathing that annoying?

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Woke up with the husband forcing himself inside me

I had taken loads of painkillers to try and sleep and had a cheeky whiskey last night, I was so tired and needed to sleep despite the pain from my wisdom tooth.

It was about 2am when I was woken by the husband, he was already inside me, grunting and starting to fuck me. I screamed at him and got up. It has been nearly 18 months since we last had sex, why on earth he thought I would have sex in such a manner when he has made no effort what so ever to have sex consciously.

I sat in the bathroom crying, he was fast asleep again. This morning he says he cant remember and that he was sorry, I told him I felt very upset that he had done it when he knows where we are. I told him he has no right to have sex with me and no right to just take it from me.

Face is a mess and need an operation

Went to the dentist this week for my wisdom tooth out. It was horrific! After an hour of injections, pulling, cutting and drilling it still wouldnt come out.

He gave up, stitched me back up and snet me home. Im in agony and it looks like Ive been smacked in the face a few times, it is so painful and swollen. I have to go into hospital to have it removed in a few weeks.

I have to conclude that this was not a good week.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

She said sorry!

I avoided all the calls last night, over 40 missed calls by the time I went to bed. The eldest was up ill with ear ache most of the night so sleep was thin on the ground, not that I could of slept much after yesterdays battle.

I took a call from My Dad at 8pm and expected him to be calling to mediate but he was unaware of what had happened, I think Mum had hoped I would of taken her call accepted an apology and he would be none the wiser.

I had no choice but to go to their house this morning, I needed to drop the daughter off as she was staying off school and my diary had no give today, 6 meetings back to back and I need every bit of business I can get at the minute.

As I walked in the door she said she was sorry “as soon as I threw you out I regretted it, i have been trying to call to say sorry”.

I replied “some things in life you never expect to hear from your mother , unfortunately I have heard them repeatedly, sorry wont fixed this but I will accept your regret”.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” she sobbed “please let us put this behind us and never mention it again”.

I stayed strong despite the tears streaming down my face and said “you said so many hurtful things, things that aren’t true” She nodded and agreed “ you need to take responsibility for ruining your own relationships instead of blaming those close as every time you do this I take a step back away from you”

“I’m Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I left and went to work, tired and angry but trying to focus on work.

This week has got to perk up soon??? For those that just joined the blog (thanks) I’m not normally doom and gloom, you do get to laugh as well, just not sure when that happens next.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Just when you thought it couldnt get any worse

popped in for coffee at mums, I'm trying to be there for her give her support.

I needed to do some work before getting the kids but figured I might as well be sat with her while doing it she seemed happy with the gesture. I'm typing away and she tells me I'm rude. I apologise and explain that I need to do this quickly or I will miss a deadline for payment. She sits quiet... the calm before the storm.

I finish and grab my coffee while it is still hot. The onslaught begins. She berates me for my Dads company failing, she screams at me saying its my fault. I sit quiet letting her say what she needs too. She starts calling my Dad a failure and I see red. How dare she! He has been out there working his ass off while she sat here drinking. I remain calm and explain as best I can what has happened. She attacks me more. I tell her I wont allow her to speak to me like that. She tells me I am ruining her relationship with Dad and my brother, I stand to leave. I am the one person in that family that holds everyone together. My brother is manipulative and callus, I keep matters too myself and never tell her how much grief I get from my brother and this is what I get for it I am the one vilified.

I tell her she is bang out of order. She tells me to fuck off and die.

My heart ached so much, the saddest thing is she has now told me that on 3 occasions, my mother, a woman who never swears tells me that.

I walk to the door as she is screaming at me. I tell her calming you are the one saying this, you are the one telling me to go and ending this relationship. She continues screaming and pushes me out the door.

As I leave she yells you do not get to speak to me like a child. I tell her "start behaving like my mother then"

I have had over 40 missed calls from her now. I cant bring myself to speak to her. I'm so ready to crumble into a 1000 pieces and there is no one to pick me up. I need to be held and no questions asked, just loved for who I am and nothing more.

Thank god for water proof mascara.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

tough week - looks like the cancer is back, wedding anniversary and tired kids

hard work getting the kids back into a routine after 6 weeks in France and grand parents rules but getting there, today though the kids as tired and they both have 2 dance classes to go and a birthday party each to attend.

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, 16 years, it seemed a pleasant evening was ahead when i spotted the champagne and fillet steak in the fridge, perhaps he was going to make an effort. I took the kids to dance and when I return he had put everything on the bench and shouted downstairs from the bathroom "I think I got everything you need to do tea" FFS!

I ended up having fun and letting the 9yr old do it all under supervision, she did a great job... look at the starter! Pan seared scallops with a roasted garlic and balsamic dressing. A chef in the making.

Mum discovered 2 lumps in her breasts last weekend, she was at the hospital on Monday and its looking likely. She needs to have a scan next week to confirm.

Dad told her about the company folding just hours before the discovery of the lumps so she has been like a time bomb all week and Friday she went off, 8 weeks of sobriety out the window big style.

I lay in the bath last night pleased that the week was over but today has brought more stress not sure what to do yet. I hid under the duvet for an hour hiding from the world but the problem was still there when I came out.