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Wednesday, 26 May 2010

the week got worse

Just in the midst of dealing with the parents the husband decided to remove his head from the sand and deal with our marriage. The first week ever I haven't wanted to deal with it... sods law.

He shouted at me for 3 hours, I tried to say silent and let him get it out but in the end it was too much. He told me I was lazy and selfish. I am so not. I do so much I just do it without complaint. I do it because it needs to be done not because its a score tally.

We manged to resolve by 3am that we didn't agree. At least we agreed to that and despite his previous turn downs he has agreed to go to counselling. I don't know if it will fix it but it will mean he doesn't shout at me.

He thinks I'm with holding sex from him now to hurt him. I told him that I cant just switch back on what took 3 years to turn off. I cant let him reset the clock to zero and for it to be bad sex without any affection. I'd rather do without.

I said if you think I am hurting you after 1 turn down and 1 week why can't you see that after years of it on so many occasions of turn me down and laughing at me can you not see the hurt you have given me?? he tells me I'm bending his words. I think that its just the other side to the argument and it needs discussing.

Counselling is to start next week allegedly but at this point all I want is for them to say I've tried and its OK to fail.

Monday, 17 May 2010

sorry i couldnt blog

Its all been a bit too much the last week I havent dared to stop and think.

I think the next week isnt going to be any easier but for new reasons.

Dad left Mum yesterday and the world imploded. She threatened to kill herself to him, call my brother and said he had hit her, spoke with me and said it was the best thing that could of happened!!! I was sat in shock and realising what a horrid disease Alcohol is. She said, totally believing herself that it was about time Dad got a grip as he was losing the plot and on the verge of driving her to drink!!!! seriously!!!! Dad left because he couldn't take watching her slowly kill herself.

She confessed to falling of the wagon this week a tad, well it was a 1ltr bottle of Porcheen 70%proof and she nearly choked to death. I suppose that does constitute more than normal but it seems she forgot she was also drunk 4 days solid the previous week.

The hardest thing is keeping quiet, I want to scream at her and tell her what she is doing but the experts say i'd do more harm than good she has to work it out herself when she is good and ready.

My brother rings me and tells me I've abandoned her and the im a bad person. It easy to have that opinion from over 300 miles away and not having to pic up the pieces every day. Not having to rush to the hospital when she is so drunk she has fallen into the road and accusing the person that stopped to help her of pushing her. He didnt have to hold her wrists as she bled while she wished me dead as I sat waiting for the ambulance. He didnt have to have her sectioned.

Im hoping she will see the light but optomism is hard to come by this week.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

how do u make ur blog popular?

using fairy dust and naked pictures as far as I can tell so far!

Ask me anything

son went missing - group therapy at in the real world

Saturdays are all about the kids dance classes, I'm a taxi and I love it. It’s my day to be proud I don’t see it as a chore.

The last of the classes ended and we headed home, it was about 6pm. The son was playing out and the husband enjoying a beer watching footy. At 6.30pm I asked what time the son had to be back, (he is only 6 years old and whilst you got to let them have some freedom it comes with boundaries and controls. The ones I set are no further than the park and if he goes in a friends house we have to know which one and agree times to come home).

"He is due back soon" hubby says, I continue to prepare tea. At 7pm I ask "who is he with?", “I dunno” was the reply “a little guy on a bike” . What time did you say he should be back “he couldn’t find his watch so I didn’t say when”.

I grab my bike and get the girls to get their’s and do a lap of the estate and he is no where to be seen.

I go into mild panic but control and strategy are also present. I go back to ask the husband "is he on his bike his scooter or what?" “why you all mad at me” he says “I’m not the one who’s late”.

Using carefully chosen language that I shall not repeat “it's about finding him right now not your ability to act as a responsible parent” he said “more like you are being neurotic, he will be fine, he will come home soon”.

Really would you sit at home waiting to find out or would you knock on every friends door until you found him?

I did, he was in the 6th house colouring in Ben 10 posters.

When we got home and I had a calm chat with the son about being specific about where he was and who he was with he said, "I told Daddy I was in Lewis’s house and he said ok". The husbands memory instantly returned and he said, "yeah the little guy was called Lewis!"

All he had to do was take some responsibility and remember some basic info and none of that would of happened. Instead he told me I was being unreasonable and dramatising something that didn’t need to be.

Or was I over reacting?

go see the group therapy on this at Venus and Mars

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Unpicked at seems and falling apart

Lay in bed Monday morning, husband enters the room with coffees and gets in bed. He normally puts the TV on, i hate it. He watches TV while we eat and as soon as we wake up in the morning. I find it invasive, he says I moan.

As ask "whats up why no TV, whats wrong".

He said "I want to have sex and I don't know where to start"

I sat up in bed and jaw dropped in disbelief. "its been nearly a year since you last did why now, why after I've begged you so much?"

"i don't know" he says

"i can't, I warned you you were pushing me away, I told you if you don't fix it soon I will be too far gone, I'm there, I've shut down to make it hurt less"

"what do you expect from me" he asked

"to be a good parent and my friend"

"i can do that" he replied

"I know, that's why I'm still here, if it wasn't for the children I would of left, how many times would you turn up to foot training and not be picked before you stopped going?" crap analogy i know but I hadn't planned this conversation despite the fact I've had the conversation in my head a million times.

"nothing has changed since September, you have done nothing and expect everything to be fixed, it's not, I'm still as sad and feeling rejected as I was then now, I lie on the edge of the bed every night acutely aware of the gap that is growing and not knowing what to do to stop it, I suggested counseling, you refused and were mad at me for doing it"

"i will do it now" he sobbed

"I don't believe you, you have had you chance and you did nothing, you promised we wouldn't stop talking about this until it was fixed and you shouted at me every time I brought it up, I feel like I've compromised enough" I sobbed in return grabbing the tissues. "When did you last kiss me, make love to me?"

"I don't know but I want to now"

"you only want what you can't have, you don't want me, do you recall what happened the last time we had sex?"


"After me begging for sex for weeks you bent me over the bed and came. You didn't touch me, you didn't kiss me, you didn't make me cum" Proper sobs now "I went and got a toy and asked you to make me cum, you got up and went in the shower and told me to do it" blow of nose "I told you for weeks you still owe me an orgasm, trying to make light of it, trying to encourage you to fix it without making an issue but you didn't".

"I'm sorry, we have been together so long and you are confident you should tell me what you want and like"

"do you know what i like?" I ask angry

"you like it hard from behind" he says with confidence

"you are so far away with that, that is what you like and I give it too you, I love oral sex when was the last time you gave me that?"

"i don't know" he sobs

"before children, over 10 years ago!!!!!!!!!!" I'm upset and mad now "I've tried so hard to show you what I like, I've even had you shave me just months ago and you did nothing, you made now attempt to enjoy it, you complained and said why was I bothering nobody sees it, do you know how many of your friends would love to shave there wife's pussy!!!!!!!!!!!!" I know stupid but I was clutching at straws!

"you just don't see me anymore" I'm in full flow of tears now, more anger than sadness but it hurts.

"do you want a fresh coffee" he says

He return to the bedroom, undressed got in the shower and nothing else was said. I dumb founded, I don't get it, was that it? nothing else to say, no outcome? no to do list?

I spent the rest of the day in the garden, planting veggies with the kids. Conversations in my head whirring round and tying me in knots. Aching for someone to hold me, I need the lover now but I've burned that bridge last night I think and as i sat numb clutching a glass of wine it was confirmed. The email saying he still wanted to be friends, the one that says our journey together is over, that he wont be there to hold me.

Tears are streaming as I type this, heart aches so much.