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Friday, 24 December 2010

Marriage counselling

Nearly fell off seat with fright when I got the phone call.

For those that are new to the blog you need a catch up..

For the last 4 years or so I've been invisible at home. The husband seemed to withhold any affection or attention and it got worse.

September 2009 I had enough. After years of begging for sex or any other intimacy I gave up. I sat down and told him, I said I'd gone past the point of no return. I told him would never ask any more from him.

A few weeks if tear, him accusing me of not doing enough in the house. (he was out of work and I had 3 jobs, I thought it fair he did the housework)
He asked for me to give it till Xmas, he would change, he would make an effort.

I said find but I thought we needed to see a marriage councillor to resolve the issues. I can't talk to him when he is angry. I find myself shutting up and closing down to avoid the confrontation. In 2007 he totally lost has temper when I told him he was withholding affection and he ended up smashing stuff up.

In the January nothing had changed, I told him either sort a sex or marriage councillor or the marriage is over.

Nothing happened

In April he asked me for sex, it had been nearly 2 years since we had last had sex. I turned to him and said sorry no. He went mad, he said all I've complained about is him not asking for sex and now he is what was I playing at.

I tried to explain but he cut over me, your just trying to hurt me. I said no I'm not but maybe you should consider that in 21years I've never turned you down until today and you say it hurts, you've done it for years. My reasons are good, to cope with the rejection year after year I have changed my expectations of our relationship, they do not include sex anymore. I did this to stop my marriage being a daily disappointment, it's kept me here coping.

He promises to sort out a councillor.

As ever nothing happened.

But then the phone rang last week. It was the councillor to book the appointment??? I was totally thrown.

She asked if we could attend an appointment on the 22nd dec, I laughed and asked is that seriously a good idea to lift the lid on someones marriage 2 days before Christmas!! She agreed and offered dates in January.

I think the trigger to him sorting out the appointment is since about a month ago he was drunk and half asleep and tried to force himself on me.

I pushed him off yelling at him to stop. The next day he said he could remember. I told him how hurtful it is that have him do that, that his only sexual approach is not a sober or consensual one for either party.

So mind is full of worry, I know this is going to be an emotionally draining time. I'm already at odds with what I want to achieve from the counselling. I've spent so long keeping my head down and coping I can't hardly remember what I really want.

Merry Christmas my blog friends. Thank you so much for being here with me this year, your comments and at time support has been so gratefully received. I hope you get all you wish for and much more.

I'm sure I will be back between Christmas and new year as I have my mother coming on Christmas day and then off to the in laws for a few days so I will keep you posted!!

Saturday, 18 December 2010

how do you use this damn thing?

Lol well you ask me a question and I answer

Ask me anything

Friday, 17 December 2010

I almost found a great guy

I thought it was one of those moment, you click, it feels great, you open up and be honest with him. Then he calls you a slut and rejects you.

Heavy heart tonight

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Some good, some not so good

Life update

Sorry been so busy, some good stuff, some no so good. Birthday went as expected, no present from husband, no thought given, I ended up salvaging an evening out if it and went and bought cake and a nice dinner.

Good stuff...
The dance show went amazing, the children danced their hearts out and from what the audience said my daughter was more than beautiful as she danced swan lake.

Good stuff

I didn't get to see as I was the stage manager, something I volunteer to do each year. It's the hardest job in the world 300 children to get to stage in the right costumes, right time and the right curtain. I missed all 9 dances the children were in BUT with all the costume changes and some only 1 minute to do them I'd rather be there for them so the are chilled and ready to perform. I collect the DVD of the show on Saturday, I plan to watch it alone and with a box of tissues on the ready as I see my son melt the audiences hearts as the only male ballet dancer at the dance school and see my daughter who is 3 years younger than anyone else in her class perform every bit as good. Real proud mummy moments.

Not so good stuff
Still no speaking with mum, met her last week for a coffee to try and sort stuff out but it was like talking to a politician. No straight answers no admission of guilt or responsibility. I've said my peace, made it clear I am now zero tolerance on the drinking and I've bought a breathalyser, refusal to use it when requested is an admission of guilt.

Over a year ago I told the husband that I was past the point of no return with us having any intimacy, I told him maybe through counselling we might be able to salvage something. He did nothing, in April fir the first time in years he asked for sex, I turned him down, he said I was being spiteful. He didn't get that he had rejected my advances for years and how he felt was a fraction of what he had done to me and our marriage. Told him I had shut down that part of my expectations, it was my only way to cope, reminded him I had warned him this would happen..... Well last week an appointment to see a marriage councillor arrived!!! Bloody hell!!! It was meant to be for the 22nd of December but I've moved it till 20th of January. I didn't fancy lifting the lid off our marriage 3days before Xmas.

Don't know what I want from it I just know I can't exist as we are for much longer, self esteem and lack of feeling wanted by anyone (other than children) is taking it's toll.