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Thursday, 6 June 2013

Ashes scattered and arseholeness

Too much on my plate again and not wishing to burden others around me, keeping a smile on my face instead. the good news is Mum's ashes have finally been scattered in the garden of remembrance.Its taken nearly a year to get the family to agree and on her birthday My brother finally agreed to let it happen. I had wanted it to be done for then but at least its done now. Mum's place has been sold and disliking the splurge on a new car and holiday with the girl friend by Dad. I know its his money now but I feel like he has no regard for others and even referring to them as well earned treats. Dad is spending so much time with the girlfriend and only seeing the children as the exception. Last week I had to bite me tongue when he announced he would see the kids Friday as the GF was busy. The eldest is finding it hard, small details like his screen saver changing to being GF and not attending events, performances etc that previously he would never miss is starting to drive a rift. My brother is at the height of his arseholeness. Turns out he has hacked Dads email account and read emails from me and dad and taken exception to what has been written whilst wont taken any criticism for breaching dads privacy!I of course am shouldering the blame from his point of view. Eldest child has also had an accident that whilst nothing serious means an operation tomorrow which is causing them great anxiety and worry over. Wishing it could of been an immediate op but instead we are having to wait for an infection to clear first. For those of you with children I'm sure you can appreciate the anxiety, worry and want to wrap them up and make everything better. instead I'm having to smile and hand out the pain killers, keep them distracted and not show I'm so worried. The husband is playing his usual unhelpful self. Its like managing another child which I could so do without at the moment.

Thursday, 14 February 2013


It's a hard day for me as I feel on high guard all day. The expectations of love and passion seem to creep in to the husbands mind despite the baron relationship that exists the other 354 days of the year. It started this morning with a card, it's huge and full of false sentiment, it underlines everything that is lacking in our daily lives. The usual pain of finding a card to exchange started weeks ago for me but for all the searching I couldn't find one that said "how the hell did we survive another year?".

He asked what are we doing for valentines night on Tuesday, my honest answer was 'I'm not sure I will let you know what time I'm home after though'. My selfish plans to avoid being home though have been stopped when my youngest said "I'm going to miss my special night out with Gran this year, I hope she has a special night In heaven" promptly followed by "where shall I send her card?". Needless to say my eyes filled and spilled down my cheeks a mixture of sadness and pride swelled inside and has stayed with me all day. Tonight I'm spending a night loving the children.

I'm left feeling fragile, I feel like a good sob might do me the world of good but I can't let go. I'm frustrated by feeling emotionally weak. I need to be held, loved and feel I can let it all out without being told how I'm over reacting.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Since Mum died

I've neglected this blog but for good reason. For a while after Mum dying I was struggling to come to terms with my emotions around it all. The mixture of guilt, anger and grief was overwhelming and I needed to work it out.

Dad didn't shed a tear until the funeral day and Im pleased he finally did, his glazed exterior and pretending he didn't care only hurt but I could see he was just coping in his own way.

Funeral day was awful but the moment it was over I felt a sense of relief, I suppose in one respect I was just relieved it all went well and day managed a fitting tribute to the woman I want to remember, not the drunk that died. My brother told me to stop crying and making a seen but I ignored and embraced the outpouring of what had been eating me up for years.

The guilt I felt was the hardest to deal with as it was the fact it was over, no more having to check if she was alive, deal with the police, the abusive message and the other emails I was getting were wearing on me.

Her last message was "i will always love you all even though you don't want me" it breaks my heart even to read that today I love her dearly and if I hadn't I would of walked away years ago and done without the pain.

The anger was why the hell did she not just stop, something every person who deals with an addict must feel. up til she died she was pretending to go to AA, the dishonesty was even fooling herself.

The grief is still raw, whilst the tears are less now externally at times they choke me inside. After 2 weeks I was sat in the living room and a picture of Mum rotated on the digital picture frame tears ran down my face as I recollected the happy day. The Husband suggested I should see a doctor as I was clearly deeply depress and not coping which set me worrying that perhaps I don't see it? I messaged YSL and checked on my mental status and received reassurance that I'm ok and just grieving normally.

Throughout all of this YSL has been amazing, the husband has had his moments but perhaps his lack of experience in losing a parent has him at a disadvantage and unable to quantify the loss felt.

The kids have been such a source of joy the past few months and given me something to focus on outside of work. I think Christmas will be the hardest hurdle left as she will be missed by the children and me.

Will try and update again more often i promise! xxx

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Sad beyond belief

I was worried because she hadn't returned any calls and wasn't answering the door, my deepest fears were right. Today the drink took too much, Mum was lay of the floor, cold, white, a bottle in reaching distance and dead.

I'm so angry, my last conversation was a mixed one, full of argument about her drinking, her accusing me as being the reason Dad is wanting a divorce , empty promises and lies about going to AA. I told her about the good stuff happening as well, the children's achievements, awards at school and holiday plans, begging her to look after herself but the call ended on her blaming me for Dad leaving her.

I just wish she was in a state of mind to know I loved her so much, if I hadn't I would of walked away from the pain of coping with her alcoholism years ago.

Monday, 18 June 2012

A tad stressed and in need of a hug

Its been a while since Ive posted on here, not because I havent had stuff to write about but just had so much great stuff to put down Ive focused on all that.

The past couple of weeks have been hard. it started with being copied into a load of emails from my Mother to my Father, She wasnt aware he was abroad for a few days working and I was fending any urgent messages. The messages came in thick and fast, all very cruel and hurtful, trying to make out me and my brother didnt love him and inferred lots of untruths.

I jumped in the care and headed over, as I rang the door bell I knee to expect a drunk woman but instead nothing. no answer. I call her phone and hear the voicemail kick in and I can hear her shuffling in the hall way. I knock again and she continues to ignore. Frustrated and not sure what to do next I retire to my car to calm down and make a plan. More messages come through confirming she is in the house as its the only way she can access e-mail. I head back and knock again she ignores me and I wait for about 5mins and I catch her at the window trying to see if ive gone. Knowing the game was up she opened the door and slurred that she was alone and frightened to open the door.

I accussed her of being drunk and explain Im getting the messages, telling her to stop it. She wont listen and I can't rationalise with her in that state so I leave.

The next day she denies all knowledge and say she never opened the door because she never heard that or the phone as the electric was off. The lies continued to mount up. Mofre message are sent to Dad, this time about me and how Im being abusive to her and making out she is drunk.

Nothing is said for days, it was here birthday and the kids wanted her over for a party they had been planning, I bit my lip and made it clear she was only there so as not to upset the children. She took advantage trying to score visable caring points with an audience that ended with me having to get my dad to take her home early when she thought she would ask me to give her a birthday cuddle because the children where there.

2 weeks later after many emails from her trying to explain her behaviour with more layers of lies I go round to see her. Still unable to be truthful I make it clear that in order for us to have any relationship moving forward from now she must deal with her alcoholism. "I am" she says. when I enquired how the first answer was that Ive stopped drinking, "drink is no longer part of my life" I explain how I dont believe her that we've been down this road before and we know it doesnt work. Then she says shes been back to AA "how many times?" I ask, last week was the responce. I explan that its not enough but if she does start to make an effort I will be there to support her and we can look to rebuild a friendship, she just needs to keep me posted of what she is doing.

10days later I get a text "are we friends" im baffled and i know my dad and daughter have been to see her so I calll him to ask what its about, before I even get to speak with him there are 3 more texts in demanding to know if I am her friend or not. Turns out she interrogated the daughter and ask her about fathers day plans, Mum thinks she is being excluded from a family get together when in truth we arent doing one. Dad explains he has had a load of texts saying him and daughter are liers and mum had asked him if I was her friend or not, he had explained that as far as he was aware things were still unresloved and she should ask me.
My next message before I had replied to her was saying "Dad says you do not wish to be my daughter" then an email arrives with a fairwell message, I wont ever speak to you again as you dont want me there is no point blah blah blah.

I pick up the phone and try to resolve things, she immediately starts calling us all liers. "this isn't the way to build a relationship Mum" but she doesn't listen and continues to accuse us all of abandoning her and being deceitful. I try one last time to explain that she isn't being left out its just not happening so she starts calling me a bad daughter and saying she cant understand why i would let my dad down so badly.

I had to end the call as it was getting me so mad, one minute she would start talking about a nice thing then she would start crying and shouting at me.The emails and text continued throughout the night, I was hosting a dinner party for a few friends and in between courses I was in the bathroom holding back the tears trying to get a grip. The husband doing nothing but put me down and make light jokes at my frowny face despite hearing the early calls and being aware of the text messages.

I switch my phone off until Sunday morning a wake to even more messages via email and facebook, all insisting I was a lier. I send back an email making it clear that this has to stop, her behaviour wont be tolerated and I will no longer communicate with her at all unless seeks help.

No replies come until the evening and she forwards a spam funny, I reply with a curt "not interested, you haven't even acknowledged your ridiculous behaviour last night"

A one liner then appears "I'm Sorry" but its not enough, I need her to take responsibly for herself.

So today I'm ill, tonsillitis has struck again and I'm quite sure all this stress is what has me ill. Im so grateful of the care I have from YSL, soup and a shoulder to cry on has been given, along with warm cuddles.

Thursday, 9 February 2012

unwanted house guest and eviction

Last couple of weeks Mum has been living with us. Not really a choice I wanted to make but the house has sold and neither of their new places are ready yet and I couldn’t see her out on the street. Dad’s staying at a hotel and using my house like a hotel for food and laundry.

Since moving in Mum has been petty down obviously the losing the house and realisation of the separation sinking in. She was blind drunk the day she arrived but I decided to turn a blind eye to it as I had warned her if I catch her drinking at my place I wouldn’t hesitate to throw her out and I really wanted to give her a chance. Whilst it’s been emotionally draining and the house has been upside down, her stuff everywhere I was pleased our relationship was improving.

Then yesterday...

I got back from work early, I’ve been feeling unwell so I was heading to the Doctors. As I walked in the door the smell of cigarette smoke hit me and incensed me instantly. We don’t smoke and I don’t allow anyone to smoke in the house , a rule my mother is well aware of. I headed to the kitchen and my feet crunch on broken glass that is scatter throughout. The back door is unlocked and wide open but no sign of my mother. I head upstairs and the smell of smoke increases and so does my anger. The bathroom door was ajar and the sink full of ash where she had clearly been smoking.

She’s fast asleep in one of the kids bedrooms. There’s a bin next to the bed that she’s vomited in and missed it equally and the floor is covered. I just start screaming at her. I’m so angry, tears are running down my face and I can feel my fists clench. She can hardly speak and she keeps falling back asleep as I ask her why the fuck has she been smoking in my house. I storm out the room and go to calm down and await her coming to explain herself. She doesn’t come so I head back to see her before I’m late for my appointment but find her fast asleep and I can’t rouse her.

I go to my appointment and call Dad, we arrange to meet back at the house, I need help to deal with her. She’s fast asleep again, clearly too drunk to have a guilty conscience. Dad manages to wake her up and she denies smoking and drinking. I make her take a breathalyser and she fails it but she continues to say she hasn’t drank. As she sits up you can see she has vomited all over herself and the bed. I feel so hurt by her continuance to lie at this point, i give her one last chance to be honest and sort this out but she refuses. I tell her to pack and get out.

After reflecting and calming I decide to let her stay the night and move her out tomorrow as im frightened to leave her alone so drunk. But after hearing her trying to tell my son I was kicking her out for no reason I found a hotel down the road and Dad was taxis driver for her.

As she went out the house i was trying my best to hold the tears in and failing badly.

Today she still refuses to admit it, she has told me brother that I jut flew into a rage about a broken glass and threw her out, as ever it seems he believes her and his abusive messages don’t help with how I’m feeling.

Thankfully last night and tonight YSL has had open arms for me and offered me much comfort. Hopefully she will be in her own place by next week but I suspect that mean she will be smoking and drinking until her hearts’ content or stops.

Friday, 13 January 2012

Sorry, been a while...

Been meaning to post an update for a while but not had the chance or wished to dwell to much on stuff recently. Needing to keep moving forward and focus on positives as much as I can.

Been hard over last few weeks as mum is drinking more than ever and is on such a downward spiral and trying to take as many relationships with her as possible. It's so hard to see as I know the outcome will be her so lonely at the end.

Officially not speaking with brother, can't say this is a disappointment but I am pleased that its due to him being a petulant self centred arse and it's evident to all. After him preaching that me and dad didn't know what we were doing with mum and that he would look after her he has, after a brief moment of care decided it isn't positive for his family to have mum there, really? Was that not what I was saying?

Hubby is still being an arse, highlighted so perfectly on my birthday he did nothing, gave nothing, said nothing, Xmas day after opening thoughtful gifts from me he offered up the packet of men's socks. I feel like its a metaphor for our relationship.

On a happy note... YSL is filling in the blanks, he is keeping me happy, being such a good friend and bring there for me, allowing me to be a good mum and keep smiling.