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Tuesday, 26 October 2010

And I'm the bad person??

Still not speaking with mum.

Told her until she is willing to sit down and discuss what she is doing and take responsibility for her behaviour I'm not prepared to budge.

Her reaction to that was to accuse me of being distructive and trying to hurt her???

Mum and Dad went to brothers at the weekend and it seems o was the hot topic of conversation. Apparently I'm also not speaking to my brother and his wife?? Granted I don't want to discuss all this crap with them as he is do argumentative and disagrees with me on every point but to me he is adding to the mess by making up stuff.

But what bothers me is Dads telling me this happened but never stuck up for me??

Plus mum wouldn't hear a bad word spoken about my brother yet she is happy to slag me off with him.

Seems I'm left alone and I was the one trying to help them.

Friday, 15 October 2010

A friend

Shot in the back in Afghanistan, just heard last night, he is such a good guy, still waiting for news on how bad the damage is. I'm devastated for him.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Mum wants to be friends

Mum wants to be friends again but I can't find it in me to do it. I don't know if I'm doing that for selfish reasons or because I believe she needs to know what damage she has done so she tries to stick with the doctors programme.

I had to drop off one the kids instruments at their house this morning and she must of overheard dad asking if I was coming in, no I wasn't, I was dropping the stuff at the door and going. As I walked up the drive she was there waiting. As I put down the case she got hold of me to give me a hug and a kiss, saying "aren't you going to say hello" I pulled away said goodbye and walked back to the car.

It aches me much, drove back home numb.

Can't cope with too much more.

Dad has been a fool and moved back in and into the bed. He says he reminds her that he is only there as a carer but I know his actions speak louder than words,in her mind all is back to normal and forgiven.

I've taken a step back It's exhausting and draining, I'm running on reserves now and I don't know how long I can last.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Controlled explosion

I've held back so much this past week, I've been terribly British and kept a stiff upper lip but I know I can't do it much longer.

I nearly cried when talking with the therapist the other day, him and his partner have been so supportive.

Tomorrow the children are out at ballet and the husband at football, I need to cry and get it out my system so I need to watch a sad film, I known once I start that will be it!

Any recommendations?

I'm a fan of the English Patient, it always makes me cry, to see how much he loves her, what he is prepared to endure.

Or maybe the episode of ER where doctor green passes away to the tune of somewhere over the rainbow.

It's better to cry at someone else's misery than my own.

Friday, 8 October 2010


Firstly I had something to smile about... Daughter got 3 awards today at school and invited to audition for the British youth ballet so I am uber proud mum.

Mum went to the doctors and asked for help so I feel like positive progress happened. I let her see the kids briefly, I suppose as a reward us the kids were worried and wanted to see her.

I ended my day in the arms of an old friend who I hadn't seen for a very long time. I needed it after the past week, he held me so tight.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

And then my brother turns up

It's so simple to solve all this mess apparently. Seems me and dad are doing the wrong thing.

If only we had my brothers wisdom that he has gained living some 300 miles away. That brilliant insight into what is happening must be such an advantage!!


He believes she won't do it again. Really? That simple eh? Ah well I suppose I should apologise for not believing her. There was me going by experience and figuring that the last dozen times she promised she wouldn't, that she would never do it again, that she would rather die than drink and hurt people.

Hey I must of got it wrong this time?

It's enough to make you drink!

Monday, 4 October 2010

Mother update

The paramedic called the police as she started getting violent, she hit me and started to hit my Dad, it was pitiful, heart breaking and all round crap.

The police took her away to the hospital but a few hours later she was back. They wouldnt do anything with her as she was drunk therefore a waste of resource for the hospital.

She was full of venom and told my dad she was going to hurt him in his sleep so since then he has stayed at mine. It isnt ideal but its the best.

18 missed calls on my mobile, 12 messages on home phone and countless on Dad's mobile throughout the night.

The next day dad went to the house to check on her, she pretended nothing had happened, she had cleaned the house and was baking!

Dad packed a bag of clothes and left but a few hours later he got concerned there was a few worrying messages from her. When he went over she was a mess, she was sorry and she wanted help. Dad acknowledge but was brave and left again after making sure she had eaten.

On Sunday it was hell, she was full of hell, violent and drunk again, he was worried she was cooking again and a pan was nearly on fire, he wanted to stay with her,he asked me to come over and help but I didnt think I could help, I feel like if i see her at the minute I will cause more friction. I cant just accept an apology now. I cant pretend this was nothing and it didnt hurt.

For the first time is years my husband stepped up, he offered and went over to help, he was calming and impartial, when he turned up my mum apparently pulled herslef together thinking he had popped over for coffee with the kids?? it was 10pm?

He talked with her and confirmed to my dad she was drunk.

as my husband left she started again and threatened dad again, my brother called in the middle of this and Dad explained what was happening, my brother told Dad to pass mum the phone and to leave the house while he spoke with her. He did.

The calls and vicious messages started again. Its amazing how the drinking distorts the world. She blames me and Dad for pulling the family apart and making her ill?????????????

Waiting for the ambulance and the police

Mothers lost the plot, looks like I'm going to have to section her again. I'm outside, it's raining, it's hiding the tears.

Trying to keep the kids out of the way but the little one is worried why the paramedics are on the drive.

The medic thinks she might be having a mental health issue, I think she is drunk but I'd love to be proved wrong.

It's dads birthday, he shouldn't be deLing with this. Today he closed the doors on his company for the last time and this is what he came home too.

Putting my life on eBay ..... Any bids? Anyone want this crap?