the redefining of the relationship

where to start?

been a hard week, tried not to glance back at all or contemplate much but its never a great plan. Since last weeks big question the husband has hardly spoken to me. I want to finish the conversation but he clearly doesn't want to hear it. I have hundreds of half written sentences in my head, conversations I've had in my mind and so many possible outcomes. I was all set up to talk on Sunday but when he came back in from the game he was drunk, and not good drunk, he was being an ass. Aggressive and rude, talking to me like I'm an idiot, getting the kids hyper and excited just before bed time. Thankfully he fell asleep at 8pm and I got the kids to bed and some peace and quiet.

Its been difficult with HIM (the lover) also this last week or so. For all he See's me, the real me, at times he doesn't see how he can effect my life. Last week he told me the day before, 12 hours before his planed landed that he was coming. It is so hard to swing the excuses to get away for the night.

and maybe I'm selfish??? this weekend he has been alone, no wife or family and he didn't make any arrangement to call me. He knows I would make myself available to take a call but I don't feel I should have to ask for it. Its gone from speaking to him everyday to once a fortnight, from having daily chats online to him not bothering to turn up. Yet when I say things have changed and lets take a step back I have wounded him. I told him yesterday how much it hurts when he makes promises and doesn't bother to deliver or apologise. That he has gone from needing me daily to it being convenient for him when he is up here. And please don't get me wrong, I sound needy as I reread this, remember we met on a swing site and was not looking for strings, I never asked it of him it was something that happened organically and naturally. He was the one that ask me to be his.

I think we have reached the agreement that our relationship is we are each others when we are in the same room.

He asked me to tell him if I sleep with anyone else... does he really want to know?

Lets see how it goes?