Unpicked at seems and falling apart

Lay in bed Monday morning, husband enters the room with coffees and gets in bed. He normally puts the TV on, i hate it. He watches TV while we eat and as soon as we wake up in the morning. I find it invasive, he says I moan.

As ask "whats up why no TV, whats wrong".

He said "I want to have sex and I don't know where to start"

I sat up in bed and jaw dropped in disbelief. "its been nearly a year since you last did why now, why after I've begged you so much?"

"i don't know" he says

"i can't, I warned you you were pushing me away, I told you if you don't fix it soon I will be too far gone, I'm there, I've shut down to make it hurt less"

"what do you expect from me" he asked

"to be a good parent and my friend"

"i can do that" he replied

"I know, that's why I'm still here, if it wasn't for the children I would of left, how many times would you turn up to foot training and not be picked before you stopped going?" crap analogy i know but I hadn't planned this conversation despite the fact I've had the conversation in my head a million times.

"nothing has changed since September, you have done nothing and expect everything to be fixed, it's not, I'm still as sad and feeling rejected as I was then now, I lie on the edge of the bed every night acutely aware of the gap that is growing and not knowing what to do to stop it, I suggested counseling, you refused and were mad at me for doing it"

"i will do it now" he sobbed

"I don't believe you, you have had you chance and you did nothing, you promised we wouldn't stop talking about this until it was fixed and you shouted at me every time I brought it up, I feel like I've compromised enough" I sobbed in return grabbing the tissues. "When did you last kiss me, make love to me?"

"I don't know but I want to now"

"you only want what you can't have, you don't want me, do you recall what happened the last time we had sex?"

"no"

"After me begging for sex for weeks you bent me over the bed and came. You didn't touch me, you didn't kiss me, you didn't make me cum" Proper sobs now "I went and got a toy and asked you to make me cum, you got up and went in the shower and told me to do it" blow of nose "I told you for weeks you still owe me an orgasm, trying to make light of it, trying to encourage you to fix it without making an issue but you didn't".

"I'm sorry, we have been together so long and you are confident you should tell me what you want and like"

"do you know what i like?" I ask angry

"you like it hard from behind" he says with confidence

"you are so far away with that, that is what you like and I give it too you, I love oral sex when was the last time you gave me that?"

"i don't know" he sobs

"before children, over 10 years ago!!!!!!!!!!" I'm upset and mad now "I've tried so hard to show you what I like, I've even had you shave me just months ago and you did nothing, you made now attempt to enjoy it, you complained and said why was I bothering nobody sees it, do you know how many of your friends would love to shave there wife's pussy!!!!!!!!!!!!" I know stupid but I was clutching at straws!

"you just don't see me anymore" I'm in full flow of tears now, more anger than sadness but it hurts.

"do you want a fresh coffee" he says

He return to the bedroom, undressed got in the shower and nothing else was said. I dumb founded, I don't get it, was that it? nothing else to say, no outcome? no to do list?

I spent the rest of the day in the garden, planting veggies with the kids. Conversations in my head whirring round and tying me in knots. Aching for someone to hold me, I need the lover now but I've burned that bridge last night I think and as i sat numb clutching a glass of wine it was confirmed. The email saying he still wanted to be friends, the one that says our journey together is over, that he wont be there to hold me.

Tears are streaming as I type this, heart aches so much.