Some good, some not so good

Life update

Sorry been so busy, some good stuff, some no so good. Birthday went as expected, no present from husband, no thought given, I ended up salvaging an evening out if it and went and bought cake and a nice dinner.

Good stuff...
The dance show went amazing, the children danced their hearts out and from what the audience said my daughter was more than beautiful as she danced swan lake.

Good stuff

I didn't get to see as I was the stage manager, something I volunteer to do each year. It's the hardest job in the world 300 children to get to stage in the right costumes, right time and the right curtain. I missed all 9 dances the children were in BUT with all the costume changes and some only 1 minute to do them I'd rather be there for them so the are chilled and ready to perform. I collect the DVD of the show on Saturday, I plan to watch it alone and with a box of tissues on the ready as I see my son melt the audiences hearts as the only male ballet dancer at the dance school and see my daughter who is 3 years younger than anyone else in her class perform every bit as good. Real proud mummy moments.

Not so good stuff
Still no speaking with mum, met her last week for a coffee to try and sort stuff out but it was like talking to a politician. No straight answers no admission of guilt or responsibility. I've said my peace, made it clear I am now zero tolerance on the drinking and I've bought a breathalyser, refusal to use it when requested is an admission of guilt.

Over a year ago I told the husband that I was past the point of no return with us having any intimacy, I told him maybe through counselling we might be able to salvage something. He did nothing, in April fir the first time in years he asked for sex, I turned him down, he said I was being spiteful. He didn't get that he had rejected my advances for years and how he felt was a fraction of what he had done to me and our marriage. Told him I had shut down that part of my expectations, it was my only way to cope, reminded him I had warned him this would happen..... Well last week an appointment to see a marriage councillor arrived!!! Bloody hell!!! It was meant to be for the 22nd of December but I've moved it till 20th of January. I didn't fancy lifting the lid off our marriage 3days before Xmas.

Don't know what I want from it I just know I can't exist as we are for much longer, self esteem and lack of feeling wanted by anyone (other than children) is taking it's toll.