Ashes scattered and arseholeness

Too much on my plate again and not wishing to burden others around me, keeping a smile on my face instead. the good news is Mum's ashes have finally been scattered in the garden of remembrance.Its taken nearly a year to get the family to agree and on her birthday My brother finally agreed to let it happen. I had wanted it to be done for then but at least its done now. Mum's place has been sold and disliking the splurge on a new car and holiday with the girl friend by Dad. I know its his money now but I feel like he has no regard for others and even referring to them as well earned treats. Dad is spending so much time with the girlfriend and only seeing the children as the exception. Last week I had to bite me tongue when he announced he would see the kids Friday as the GF was busy. The eldest is finding it hard, small details like his screen saver changing to being GF and not attending events, performances etc that previously he would never miss is starting to drive a rift. My brother is at the height of his arseholeness. Turns out he has hacked Dads email account and read emails from me and dad and taken exception to what has been written whilst wont taken any criticism for breaching dads privacy!I of course am shouldering the blame from his point of view. Eldest child has also had an accident that whilst nothing serious means an operation tomorrow which is causing them great anxiety and worry over. Wishing it could of been an immediate op but instead we are having to wait for an infection to clear first. For those of you with children I'm sure you can appreciate the anxiety, worry and want to wrap them up and make everything better. instead I'm having to smile and hand out the pain killers, keep them distracted and not show I'm so worried. The husband is playing his usual unhelpful self. Its like managing another child which I could so do without at the moment.

Valentines

It's a hard day for me as I feel on high guard all day. The expectations of love and passion seem to creep in to the husbands mind despite the baron relationship that exists the other 354 days of the year. It started this morning with a card, it's huge and full of false sentiment, it underlines everything that is lacking in our daily lives. The usual pain of finding a card to exchange started weeks ago for me but for all the searching I couldn't find one that said "how the hell did we survive another year?".

He asked what are we doing for valentines night on Tuesday, my honest answer was 'I'm not sure I will let you know what time I'm home after though'. My selfish plans to avoid being home though have been stopped when my youngest said "I'm going to miss my special night out with Gran this year, I hope she has a special night In heaven" promptly followed by "where shall I send her card?". Needless to say my eyes filled and spilled down my cheeks a mixture of sadness and pride swelled inside and has stayed with me all day. Tonight I'm spending a night loving the children.

I'm left feeling fragile, I feel like a good sob might do me the world of good but I can't let go. I'm frustrated by feeling emotionally weak. I need to be held, loved and feel I can let it all out without being told how I'm over reacting.