Valentines

It's a hard day for me as I feel on high guard all day. The expectations of love and passion seem to creep in to the husbands mind despite the baron relationship that exists the other 354 days of the year. It started this morning with a card, it's huge and full of false sentiment, it underlines everything that is lacking in our daily lives. The usual pain of finding a card to exchange started weeks ago for me but for all the searching I couldn't find one that said "how the hell did we survive another year?".

He asked what are we doing for valentines night on Tuesday, my honest answer was 'I'm not sure I will let you know what time I'm home after though'. My selfish plans to avoid being home though have been stopped when my youngest said "I'm going to miss my special night out with Gran this year, I hope she has a special night In heaven" promptly followed by "where shall I send her card?". Needless to say my eyes filled and spilled down my cheeks a mixture of sadness and pride swelled inside and has stayed with me all day. Tonight I'm spending a night loving the children.

I'm left feeling fragile, I feel like a good sob might do me the world of good but I can't let go. I'm frustrated by feeling emotionally weak. I need to be held, loved and feel I can let it all out without being told how I'm over reacting.