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Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Since Mum died

I've neglected this blog but for good reason. For a while after Mum dying I was struggling to come to terms with my emotions around it all. The mixture of guilt, anger and grief was overwhelming and I needed to work it out.

Dad didn't shed a tear until the funeral day and Im pleased he finally did, his glazed exterior and pretending he didn't care only hurt but I could see he was just coping in his own way.

Funeral day was awful but the moment it was over I felt a sense of relief, I suppose in one respect I was just relieved it all went well and day managed a fitting tribute to the woman I want to remember, not the drunk that died. My brother told me to stop crying and making a seen but I ignored and embraced the outpouring of what had been eating me up for years.

The guilt I felt was the hardest to deal with as it was the fact it was over, no more having to check if she was alive, deal with the police, the abusive message and the other emails I was getting were wearing on me.

Her last message was "i will always love you all even though you don't want me" it breaks my heart even to read that today I love her dearly and if I hadn't I would of walked away years ago and done without the pain.

The anger was why the hell did she not just stop, something every person who deals with an addict must feel. up til she died she was pretending to go to AA, the dishonesty was even fooling herself.

The grief is still raw, whilst the tears are less now externally at times they choke me inside. After 2 weeks I was sat in the living room and a picture of Mum rotated on the digital picture frame tears ran down my face as I recollected the happy day. The Husband suggested I should see a doctor as I was clearly deeply depress and not coping which set me worrying that perhaps I don't see it? I messaged YSL and checked on my mental status and received reassurance that I'm ok and just grieving normally.

Throughout all of this YSL has been amazing, the husband has had his moments but perhaps his lack of experience in losing a parent has him at a disadvantage and unable to quantify the loss felt.

The kids have been such a source of joy the past few months and given me something to focus on outside of work. I think Christmas will be the hardest hurdle left as she will be missed by the children and me.

Will try and update again more often i promise! xxx


Advizor54 said...

I just read your last two posts and want you to know that my heart goes out to you in deepest sympathy.

A loss like this is not easily dealt with but it sounds like you are coping, you are seeing things as they are, and not through the lens of over-amped guilt or relief.

Time will ease the pain (cliched but true) and you can focus on the good times, the happy moments, and remember her as she once was.

you are in my thoughts.

Leah said...

Advizor said a lot of what I was going to. Losses are never easy but when its a parent with whom you've had a difficult relationship it somehow seems worse. At first the relief is great! But then you end up feeling guilty even about that!

I hope you find some inner peace very soon.


heelsnstocking said...

Thank you for taking the time to write such kind words x

I like to think of the woman she was, not what she became, I just need everyone else to catch up and stop dwelling on the bad stuff.

Yummy x

heelsnstocking said...

The guilt of the relief has definitely been the hardest part to deal with but I think I'm there. Thanks for your kindness your words on here have always been wonderful and welcome. Xxx

Advizor54 said...

my father-in-law died several years ago after a long and valiant fight against Parkinson's disease. My mother-in-law ( a saint, if ever there was one ) care for him for years at the expense of her own health. After he passed she had time to go to lunch with friends, get to her physical therapist, the gym, church, her doctors, all of the things she should have done to care for herself but never found time for.

She admitted to me that she felt guilty to feel so good again. She started driving, sleeping better, eating better, yet she felt guilty. I told her that it was her time to heal after years of dedicated service, but that didn't make it easier. Now, years later, she's gotten over some of those feelings, but it took her a while.

Don't waste to much time feeling guilty. Her suffering is over, yours can be too.

Desireous said...