Last couple of weeks Mum has been living with us. Not really a choice I wanted to make but the house has sold and neither of their new places are ready yet and I couldn’t see her out on the street. Dad’s staying at a hotel and using my house like a hotel for food and laundry.
Since moving in Mum has been petty down obviously the losing the house and realisation of the separation sinking in. She was blind drunk the day she arrived but I decided to turn a blind eye to it as I had warned her if I catch her drinking at my place I wouldn’t hesitate to throw her out and I really wanted to give her a chance. Whilst it’s been emotionally draining and the house has been upside down, her stuff everywhere I was pleased our relationship was improving.
Then yesterday...
I got back from work early, I’ve been feeling unwell so I was heading to the Doctors. As I walked in the door the smell of cigarette smoke hit me and incensed me instantly. We don’t smoke and I don’t allow anyone to smoke in the house , a rule my mother is well aware of. I headed to the kitchen and my feet crunch on broken glass that is scatter throughout. The back door is unlocked and wide open but no sign of my mother. I head upstairs and the smell of smoke increases and so does my anger. The bathroom door was ajar and the sink full of ash where she had clearly been smoking.
She’s fast asleep in one of the kids bedrooms. There’s a bin next to the bed that she’s vomited in and missed it equally and the floor is covered. I just start screaming at her. I’m so angry, tears are running down my face and I can feel my fists clench. She can hardly speak and she keeps falling back asleep as I ask her why the fuck has she been smoking in my house. I storm out the room and go to calm down and await her coming to explain herself. She doesn’t come so I head back to see her before I’m late for my appointment but find her fast asleep and I can’t rouse her.
I go to my appointment and call Dad, we arrange to meet back at the house, I need help to deal with her. She’s fast asleep again, clearly too drunk to have a guilty conscience. Dad manages to wake her up and she denies smoking and drinking. I make her take a breathalyser and she fails it but she continues to say she hasn’t drank. As she sits up you can see she has vomited all over herself and the bed. I feel so hurt by her continuance to lie at this point, i give her one last chance to be honest and sort this out but she refuses. I tell her to pack and get out.
After reflecting and calming I decide to let her stay the night and move her out tomorrow as im frightened to leave her alone so drunk. But after hearing her trying to tell my son I was kicking her out for no reason I found a hotel down the road and Dad was taxis driver for her.
As she went out the house i was trying my best to hold the tears in and failing badly.
Today she still refuses to admit it, she has told me brother that I jut flew into a rage about a broken glass and threw her out, as ever it seems he believes her and his abusive messages don’t help with how I’m feeling.
Thankfully last night and tonight YSL has had open arms for me and offered me much comfort. Hopefully she will be in her own place by next week but I suspect that mean she will be smoking and drinking until her hearts’ content or stops.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Friday, 13 January 2012
Sorry, been a while...
Been meaning to post an update for a while but not had the chance or wished to dwell to much on stuff recently. Needing to keep moving forward and focus on positives as much as I can.
Been hard over last few weeks as mum is drinking more than ever and is on such a downward spiral and trying to take as many relationships with her as possible. It's so hard to see as I know the outcome will be her so lonely at the end.
Officially not speaking with brother, can't say this is a disappointment but I am pleased that its due to him being a petulant self centred arse and it's evident to all. After him preaching that me and dad didn't know what we were doing with mum and that he would look after her he has, after a brief moment of care decided it isn't positive for his family to have mum there, really? Was that not what I was saying?
Hubby is still being an arse, highlighted so perfectly on my birthday he did nothing, gave nothing, said nothing, Xmas day after opening thoughtful gifts from me he offered up the packet of men's socks. I feel like its a metaphor for our relationship.
On a happy note... YSL is filling in the blanks, he is keeping me happy, being such a good friend and bring there for me, allowing me to be a good mum and keep smiling.
Been hard over last few weeks as mum is drinking more than ever and is on such a downward spiral and trying to take as many relationships with her as possible. It's so hard to see as I know the outcome will be her so lonely at the end.
Officially not speaking with brother, can't say this is a disappointment but I am pleased that its due to him being a petulant self centred arse and it's evident to all. After him preaching that me and dad didn't know what we were doing with mum and that he would look after her he has, after a brief moment of care decided it isn't positive for his family to have mum there, really? Was that not what I was saying?
Hubby is still being an arse, highlighted so perfectly on my birthday he did nothing, gave nothing, said nothing, Xmas day after opening thoughtful gifts from me he offered up the packet of men's socks. I feel like its a metaphor for our relationship.
On a happy note... YSL is filling in the blanks, he is keeping me happy, being such a good friend and bring there for me, allowing me to be a good mum and keep smiling.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
4th day of Mum being drunk, so tired of it all but now my brother after only 1 week of 'I will fix this as your failing' has washed his hands of it.
Their house has sold and looks like they will be out before Xmas which is great news for Dads sanity and health but I fear it means I'm going to have Mum to deal with, try and buy her a house and sort the moving. She's refusing to even look at the moment, adamant she will be dead so no house will be needed.
I'm at YSL's place, he will be home shortly, I can't face talking about all this, it's eaten my week already and we only have an hour or so together. I so need to be held.
Their house has sold and looks like they will be out before Xmas which is great news for Dads sanity and health but I fear it means I'm going to have Mum to deal with, try and buy her a house and sort the moving. She's refusing to even look at the moment, adamant she will be dead so no house will be needed.
I'm at YSL's place, he will be home shortly, I can't face talking about all this, it's eaten my week already and we only have an hour or so together. I so need to be held.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Never rains but it pours
The weekend was as bad as I expected. Brother was aggressive, argumentative and plain rude at every opportunity, right down to physically threatening.
Mum took the opportunity of an audience and played the part of devoted wife, reformed drinker and mother of the year. Brother left on Sunday and she dropped the act and went on the attack.
Monday morning she launched a scathing attack on Dad in front of the kids as they ate breakfast. Son was too engrossed in tv but daughter was quick to share her concerns when she walked in from school, curious as to why Gran was calling him such horrid names and if she would really kill him!
An hour later Mum is at doctors and that was when she went off radar. She was meant to be back for lunch and she didn't show, a few more hours pass and we're getting worried. As it got dark we notified the Police and I had the task of telling my brother.
No sooner had I sent the text she staggers through the door, to drunk to speak. I text brother back to say she was ok. His only reply was "I hate my family" such wonderful support.
I went round to mum and dads this morning to make it clear what ever is happening between them must not be aired in front of the kids or they will not be allowed over. I ask what happened yesterday but she denied being drunk but had a go for telling brother. I tell her I don't believe her and if she needs help I'm there for her but if she keeps drinking I'm walking away.
I leave and head to work satisfied I'd said my piece. Then I got the call, Brother, Mums drunk and can't find her way home, she's on a train or at a station. He berates me on the phone saying ive abandoned my mum, that what she needs is people around her that care. He tells me he has spoken to recovered alcoholics and what I'm doing is wrong and hurting her more adding to the problem. I bite and try to reply, I don't know why I bother, he does his usual thing and tells me not to attack him or be do defensive!!! He won't listen so after him telling me it will be my fault she's dead I hang up.
I walk out of my clients and drive to find her. I guessed right as I saw her stagger over the road. It even recognising my car as she nearly falls onto it.
I tell her to get in and she can't even operate the seatbelt.
She sees my dad and tries to open the car door as we are moving so drive on and I take her to my house and try to talk sense in to her and get her sober but she goes on the attack. She tells me Dads leaving her because of me, my influence over him and that he is trying to cover up a financial problem. I ask her do you think your drinking has anything to do with it? She says no, she only drink because of it.
The afternoon was full of accusation, I've listened and tried to calmly explain her misunderstandings. It was so hard not to scream at her.
She decides she's ready to go home and on the way tells me that next time she will throw herself under the train. My brain screamed "which station doing you want dropping at?" but I know I could live to regret such flippant words.
I'm so tired and emotionally drained, the tears keep appearing and I swallow them back. I do needed a friend today but know I have no one until Thursday I can talk to and that time will be too precious to ruin with tears.
Mum took the opportunity of an audience and played the part of devoted wife, reformed drinker and mother of the year. Brother left on Sunday and she dropped the act and went on the attack.
Monday morning she launched a scathing attack on Dad in front of the kids as they ate breakfast. Son was too engrossed in tv but daughter was quick to share her concerns when she walked in from school, curious as to why Gran was calling him such horrid names and if she would really kill him!
An hour later Mum is at doctors and that was when she went off radar. She was meant to be back for lunch and she didn't show, a few more hours pass and we're getting worried. As it got dark we notified the Police and I had the task of telling my brother.
No sooner had I sent the text she staggers through the door, to drunk to speak. I text brother back to say she was ok. His only reply was "I hate my family" such wonderful support.
I went round to mum and dads this morning to make it clear what ever is happening between them must not be aired in front of the kids or they will not be allowed over. I ask what happened yesterday but she denied being drunk but had a go for telling brother. I tell her I don't believe her and if she needs help I'm there for her but if she keeps drinking I'm walking away.
I leave and head to work satisfied I'd said my piece. Then I got the call, Brother, Mums drunk and can't find her way home, she's on a train or at a station. He berates me on the phone saying ive abandoned my mum, that what she needs is people around her that care. He tells me he has spoken to recovered alcoholics and what I'm doing is wrong and hurting her more adding to the problem. I bite and try to reply, I don't know why I bother, he does his usual thing and tells me not to attack him or be do defensive!!! He won't listen so after him telling me it will be my fault she's dead I hang up.
I walk out of my clients and drive to find her. I guessed right as I saw her stagger over the road. It even recognising my car as she nearly falls onto it.
I tell her to get in and she can't even operate the seatbelt.
She sees my dad and tries to open the car door as we are moving so drive on and I take her to my house and try to talk sense in to her and get her sober but she goes on the attack. She tells me Dads leaving her because of me, my influence over him and that he is trying to cover up a financial problem. I ask her do you think your drinking has anything to do with it? She says no, she only drink because of it.
The afternoon was full of accusation, I've listened and tried to calmly explain her misunderstandings. It was so hard not to scream at her.
She decides she's ready to go home and on the way tells me that next time she will throw herself under the train. My brain screamed "which station doing you want dropping at?" but I know I could live to regret such flippant words.
I'm so tired and emotionally drained, the tears keep appearing and I swallow them back. I do needed a friend today but know I have no one until Thursday I can talk to and that time will be too precious to ruin with tears.
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Frustrated
Sorry haven't posted over here in a while, been busy with work, family and falling in love.
Rest assured life is still mad, mother has ran away to other side of the world, this week Dad was burgled, hubby's car was broken in to and I found a lump.
Business as usual!
Off to hospital tomorrow for a biopsy, I'm sure it's nothing but still hard not to worry. The appointment was origionally last week but I had to move it. The night before the origional appointment YSL (my lover) messaged me telling me he would be thinking of me, letting me know he cares, hubby hasn't even asked how I got on and it's driving me mad that something that could be serious doesn't even concern him enough to check am I ok.
I've been there with a couple of my friends to do the hand holding and distracting while waiting for these appointments and whilst they know I'm there tomorrow there's no offer of a hand to hold from anyone.
My frustration isn't due to the gravity of the appointment, I've delt with greater problems and I'm not going to worry until there is something to worry about. It's down to how one way my relationships seem to be, me supporting them but no support or care reciprocated.
I asked a friend why once before and she said I always seem to cope so well and not seem bothered by stuff. Perhaps I put too much of a happy front on as today i feel like crumbling into a heap but I doubt anyone would guess.
Thankfully one person cares and does more than his fair share of being there for me these days.
Rest assured life is still mad, mother has ran away to other side of the world, this week Dad was burgled, hubby's car was broken in to and I found a lump.
Business as usual!
Off to hospital tomorrow for a biopsy, I'm sure it's nothing but still hard not to worry. The appointment was origionally last week but I had to move it. The night before the origional appointment YSL (my lover) messaged me telling me he would be thinking of me, letting me know he cares, hubby hasn't even asked how I got on and it's driving me mad that something that could be serious doesn't even concern him enough to check am I ok.
I've been there with a couple of my friends to do the hand holding and distracting while waiting for these appointments and whilst they know I'm there tomorrow there's no offer of a hand to hold from anyone.
My frustration isn't due to the gravity of the appointment, I've delt with greater problems and I'm not going to worry until there is something to worry about. It's down to how one way my relationships seem to be, me supporting them but no support or care reciprocated.
I asked a friend why once before and she said I always seem to cope so well and not seem bothered by stuff. Perhaps I put too much of a happy front on as today i feel like crumbling into a heap but I doubt anyone would guess.
Thankfully one person cares and does more than his fair share of being there for me these days.
Monday, 3 October 2011
This morning
The paramedics refused to take her to hospital, they suggested Dad left the house, she was as much a danger to him there as she is herself.
He stayed at mine and with 10minutes of him arriving the phones started. Drunk messages being left on house phones and mobiles. At about 12:30am my mobile goes and it's my brother this time. Mums rang him and told him Dads walked out, she's too drunk to comprehend that they are already separated just living in the same house also too drunk to realise she was letting my brother know she was drunk.
He starts yelling at me, I tell him '1 minute' I needed to get out of the bed which was easier said then done as I had a not so small child in with me. I go to the office and answer him again and again I get "what the fuck is happening" I say it's late, mums drunk, dads hear what else do you want to know. It seems the drunk bit was a revelation to him he had as ever bought mums lies and thinks me and Dad are conspiring.
I wake dad and I whisk I hadn't because for the next 30 minutes I watch him cry on the phone while he tries to get a word in edge ways as my brother rants. He thinks we are all useless, he thinks we should drag her to AA and make her go, he is flying her down there and going to make her stop once and for all!
He just doesn't get that preventing her from drinking doesn't fix the problem, until she accepts she is an alcoholic and does it herself anything else is just vanity.
The calls continued until almost 3am and then sleep was in short supply as I worried most of the night what harm she might do to herself.
Today she is just aggressive and full of blame, I'm keeping out of the way, I'm not feeling I can deal with it other than being a support to Dad. Brother has sent tickets and she leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks of being watched and taken to AA daily, she doesn't know it yet.
He stayed at mine and with 10minutes of him arriving the phones started. Drunk messages being left on house phones and mobiles. At about 12:30am my mobile goes and it's my brother this time. Mums rang him and told him Dads walked out, she's too drunk to comprehend that they are already separated just living in the same house also too drunk to realise she was letting my brother know she was drunk.
He starts yelling at me, I tell him '1 minute' I needed to get out of the bed which was easier said then done as I had a not so small child in with me. I go to the office and answer him again and again I get "what the fuck is happening" I say it's late, mums drunk, dads hear what else do you want to know. It seems the drunk bit was a revelation to him he had as ever bought mums lies and thinks me and Dad are conspiring.
I wake dad and I whisk I hadn't because for the next 30 minutes I watch him cry on the phone while he tries to get a word in edge ways as my brother rants. He thinks we are all useless, he thinks we should drag her to AA and make her go, he is flying her down there and going to make her stop once and for all!
He just doesn't get that preventing her from drinking doesn't fix the problem, until she accepts she is an alcoholic and does it herself anything else is just vanity.
The calls continued until almost 3am and then sleep was in short supply as I worried most of the night what harm she might do to herself.
Today she is just aggressive and full of blame, I'm keeping out of the way, I'm not feeling I can deal with it other than being a support to Dad. Brother has sent tickets and she leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks of being watched and taken to AA daily, she doesn't know it yet.
Sunday, 2 October 2011
And again
A year and a day on.
It was dads birthday,the day the business closed, the day I saw my dad cry, the day I had my mother arrested for assaulting me and then had her sectioned.
So much has happened in a year but clearly nothing has changed, last week she swore on my children's lives she wasn't drunk, I didn't believe her but I held the guilt of the vague possibilty I might be wrong.
Right now I'm waiting to see if she will be admitted, arrested or committed, worse still refused treatment because she drunk.
She's tried to attack dad, he called from his bedroom scared and not knowing what to do for the best.
I think tonight is going to be a long night.
It was dads birthday,the day the business closed, the day I saw my dad cry, the day I had my mother arrested for assaulting me and then had her sectioned.
So much has happened in a year but clearly nothing has changed, last week she swore on my children's lives she wasn't drunk, I didn't believe her but I held the guilt of the vague possibilty I might be wrong.
Right now I'm waiting to see if she will be admitted, arrested or committed, worse still refused treatment because she drunk.
She's tried to attack dad, he called from his bedroom scared and not knowing what to do for the best.
I think tonight is going to be a long night.
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