Feeling too fragile

Monday it all got too much for me, i was sat with the tears pouring down my cheeks, i was alone, nobody to touch me. A good blog friend messaged me, I told her things were a bit much for me to cope with. She replied and asked why:

Me to Her
Just too much at once, as ever I'm the one being strong for everyone else and no body is here to hold me. Looks like I might have to make my best friend redundant next week when she gets back off vacation. Dad is still in France with the kids and my mum but he is in such a state about work, he has been on the phone in tears today, he is such a strong man it kills me to hear him in this state. I'm trying to keep him focused and strong, stop him worrying and shield him from the problems but I can't take much more myself.

I feel like I have a scream trapped in my throat. I can't stop to think as I feel the tears well up.

I need somewhere to escape to and be wanted but that is far from on the cards at the moment, the last man I thought wanted me for just being me doesn't. The husbands lack of interest in me and my life is hard to bare.

And to add salt to the wounds I decided to deal with a huge issue from childhood with the therapist this week! I don't know what possessed me to think I should do this now but its eating at me so I suppose now is as good a time as any.

I'm left feeling fragile and exhausted, not sure what to do as there is so much to deal with. Trouble with being the strong one all the time nobody is there for you.



Her to ME
Oh, I am too familiar with silent screaming. What's going on with the work? No job? I have sat here at my desk on many days trying to keep the tears from falling. You and I seem to be very similar creatures. Is your Dad in ill health, is that why you're trying to shield him?

It's terrible wanting to escape and being unable. Our problems are the opposite yet the same. I give myself to everyone around me and don't take any time for myself. Unfortunately, the arms that I used to escape to still want me but are 1000 miles away. You feel drained, alone, and you want to scream, "I want my soul back!" Add that to abuse from the past and you realize that everyone has taken a piece of you you'll never get back. They take without asking and we give without rebuttal. We're always the strong ones. We're always the ones with the perfectly ironed linens and flowers on the table, not letting anyone see that we are flawed and cracked and the super glue that was used to put our chips back in is getting old and we're falling apart. We can't fall apart because we feel it would freak everyone out around us to see our weakness. Our friends would leave because we don't think we have any deep friends but one or two. We don't want those people we socialize with to see that we're not a perfect and regular couple with regular problems or a regular person that just has some issues. We are weak. We are tired. We need to be wanted for nothing more than being wanted. We fuck because we want to feel good about ourselves and look to others for approval of our bodies, our needs, our desires.

Am I getting warm?




She knows me, as she knows herself. Thanks so much for understanding me and you kind words and of course the offer to drink till the small hours xxx

Last night I cried so much, I stood in the shower letting the water hide my tears.