I need to clear the air at least with Mum and before i can do that I need to go through some stuff with her.
Im not sure what to do, I think what ever we discuss she will bend it in her mind and distort it all and as ever it will be about me being the bad person.
So do I do a letter that is there for her to read the facts?? the last time I did she refused to read it but this time if she does refuse she is refusing the olive branch to rebuild a relationship with me, ive made it clear unless we discuss the impacts of what she is doing/done we will not be speaking.
here are some of my thoughts I need to discuss so far:
You told me I should never of got involved with what happened the other week that it was purely between you and Dad and you accused me if pulling the family apart.
Did you know you rang me at work that day, swearing and being aggressive?
I told you I was in a meeting and you continued to swear at me and call dad names.
You threatened to go to school to get the kids despite me asking you not too.
Were you aware the children witnessed your behaviour, when you jabbed me and slammed the door in my face repeatedly, telling me to piss off and that I was never welcome in your house ever again?
Did you know my son was in Dads care when you threatened to stab him?
Just the previous week you threw me out the house and were aggressive to me. Your parting words piss off and go text your brother.
You accused me if pulling the family apart and I believe my brother currently thinks I'm not speaking to him. I can't talk to my brother about what is going on as you have made it impossible to do so.
He took you into his confidence and asked you not to tell me, despite that you threw it in my face that I spoke to my brother behind your back about being concerned about you. You have now made that conversation impossible, I will not put myself in that position again that he can breach my trust or you can repeatedly throw it in my face. You need to take responsibility for damaging our relationship.
You have on many occasions rang me swearing and calling dad , one day I was on my way to a meeting and you called me to tell me dad had thrown you down the stairs.I had been there and you had fallen down the stairs drunk and dad tried to stop you. You constantly when drunk tell me Dad is beating you up but refuse to discuss when sober with me. If this is true it needs to be dealt with but the facts I see is that you are deflecting your actions and blaming others.
When you tried to commit suicide I wrote you a letter explaining events so you could understand your actions and you refused to read it and told me I had no right to make you and that I had to forget what happened as it was only your pain to bare. Have you ever considered for a moment what it is like for me and my brother to deal with that? do you realise how much that hurt me that you didn't even want to acknowledge what you did or said to me that day?
On so many occasions you have swore to me you were not drunk, made me feel guilty, the next week my brother told me you had confessed you were drunk. I had felt so guilty for days for thinking you had drank. You have used illness to deflect your drunken state so many times on one occasion you told me you thought the cancer was back, do you know how much that hurts to know someone would be so cruel and deceitful?
You have done this on many occasions to me, been drunk when caring for my children. Can you understand why I don't believe you anymore? I would love to be proved wrong.
Can you understand why you can't look after the children or see them unattended?
You of all people should know how much it hurts when your mum says something so unkind, you told me to fuck of and die, no one should here that let alone on 2 separate occasions.
The more you behave in this way the further you push me away. I know you currently think I'm doing this to hurt you but I'm not, I'm doing this to protect my children and so you don't hurt me anymore.
How would you tackle it? I want her to know what she is doing so it can help her stop it.
5 comments:
I know you want to maintain/repair the relationship with your mother but it may be time to close the book on it. You have so many points to make to her, she will never see how she is tearing the family apart until SHE wants to. Even if you write it all down and go over each thing with her, from what you've written about her, she will not admit or realize she is wrong. Your father and brother are enabling her to continue her behavior. Until you can have a united front, I don't think you'll have any success. You will only continue to hurt yourself and that is not good for you or your children.
Ditto, You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.
Wishing you peace.
Citymom
HnS honey,
I know it helps you to write these things down. To begin releasing them. However, you will only hurt yourself if you believe your Mom will:
1. Listen to all you have to say
2. have a civil discussion
3. not twist your words
4. not demonize you to the rest of the family
Your mom is ill. She is incapable of being reasoned with.
So sorry.
Hugs. Give yourself peace. You've tried; you can't fix this. Save yourself anymore heartache, and let go. I know it's difficult to sit by and feel you are doing nothing...but there is nothing you can do.
As nitebyrd said, you need a united front or at the very least family members that are not working against you (i.e. your brother).
Peace to you,
H
Write everything down. Make a copy. Put both in sealed envelopes and mail one off to her. Let her know you sent her a letter.
Then? Do nothing more. The ball is in her court now. She must ultimately accept the consequence of her actions.
If she won't read or accept the consequences? Walk away. I did with my own father.
You two are both adults, but your are dealing with someone who has an illness which will always cloud her clear view.
It is a defense mechanism and you just happen to be the target of her unhappiness. Take back your happiness.
There is no need to try and have a civil conversation with mum until she seeks help. You might want to talk with someone as well to help you through this. I believe the biggest betrayal can come from a parent.
Remember you and your girls are most important, so put you guys first, ALWAYS.
Sending you many hugs and kisses your way.
PY
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