4th day of Mum being drunk, so tired of it all but now my brother after only 1 week of 'I will fix this as your failing' has washed his hands of it.
Their house has sold and looks like they will be out before Xmas which is great news for Dads sanity and health but I fear it means I'm going to have Mum to deal with, try and buy her a house and sort the moving. She's refusing to even look at the moment, adamant she will be dead so no house will be needed.
I'm at YSL's place, he will be home shortly, I can't face talking about all this, it's eaten my week already and we only have an hour or so together. I so need to be held.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Never rains but it pours
The weekend was as bad as I expected. Brother was aggressive, argumentative and plain rude at every opportunity, right down to physically threatening.
Mum took the opportunity of an audience and played the part of devoted wife, reformed drinker and mother of the year. Brother left on Sunday and she dropped the act and went on the attack.
Monday morning she launched a scathing attack on Dad in front of the kids as they ate breakfast. Son was too engrossed in tv but daughter was quick to share her concerns when she walked in from school, curious as to why Gran was calling him such horrid names and if she would really kill him!
An hour later Mum is at doctors and that was when she went off radar. She was meant to be back for lunch and she didn't show, a few more hours pass and we're getting worried. As it got dark we notified the Police and I had the task of telling my brother.
No sooner had I sent the text she staggers through the door, to drunk to speak. I text brother back to say she was ok. His only reply was "I hate my family" such wonderful support.
I went round to mum and dads this morning to make it clear what ever is happening between them must not be aired in front of the kids or they will not be allowed over. I ask what happened yesterday but she denied being drunk but had a go for telling brother. I tell her I don't believe her and if she needs help I'm there for her but if she keeps drinking I'm walking away.
I leave and head to work satisfied I'd said my piece. Then I got the call, Brother, Mums drunk and can't find her way home, she's on a train or at a station. He berates me on the phone saying ive abandoned my mum, that what she needs is people around her that care. He tells me he has spoken to recovered alcoholics and what I'm doing is wrong and hurting her more adding to the problem. I bite and try to reply, I don't know why I bother, he does his usual thing and tells me not to attack him or be do defensive!!! He won't listen so after him telling me it will be my fault she's dead I hang up.
I walk out of my clients and drive to find her. I guessed right as I saw her stagger over the road. It even recognising my car as she nearly falls onto it.
I tell her to get in and she can't even operate the seatbelt.
She sees my dad and tries to open the car door as we are moving so drive on and I take her to my house and try to talk sense in to her and get her sober but she goes on the attack. She tells me Dads leaving her because of me, my influence over him and that he is trying to cover up a financial problem. I ask her do you think your drinking has anything to do with it? She says no, she only drink because of it.
The afternoon was full of accusation, I've listened and tried to calmly explain her misunderstandings. It was so hard not to scream at her.
She decides she's ready to go home and on the way tells me that next time she will throw herself under the train. My brain screamed "which station doing you want dropping at?" but I know I could live to regret such flippant words.
I'm so tired and emotionally drained, the tears keep appearing and I swallow them back. I do needed a friend today but know I have no one until Thursday I can talk to and that time will be too precious to ruin with tears.
Mum took the opportunity of an audience and played the part of devoted wife, reformed drinker and mother of the year. Brother left on Sunday and she dropped the act and went on the attack.
Monday morning she launched a scathing attack on Dad in front of the kids as they ate breakfast. Son was too engrossed in tv but daughter was quick to share her concerns when she walked in from school, curious as to why Gran was calling him such horrid names and if she would really kill him!
An hour later Mum is at doctors and that was when she went off radar. She was meant to be back for lunch and she didn't show, a few more hours pass and we're getting worried. As it got dark we notified the Police and I had the task of telling my brother.
No sooner had I sent the text she staggers through the door, to drunk to speak. I text brother back to say she was ok. His only reply was "I hate my family" such wonderful support.
I went round to mum and dads this morning to make it clear what ever is happening between them must not be aired in front of the kids or they will not be allowed over. I ask what happened yesterday but she denied being drunk but had a go for telling brother. I tell her I don't believe her and if she needs help I'm there for her but if she keeps drinking I'm walking away.
I leave and head to work satisfied I'd said my piece. Then I got the call, Brother, Mums drunk and can't find her way home, she's on a train or at a station. He berates me on the phone saying ive abandoned my mum, that what she needs is people around her that care. He tells me he has spoken to recovered alcoholics and what I'm doing is wrong and hurting her more adding to the problem. I bite and try to reply, I don't know why I bother, he does his usual thing and tells me not to attack him or be do defensive!!! He won't listen so after him telling me it will be my fault she's dead I hang up.
I walk out of my clients and drive to find her. I guessed right as I saw her stagger over the road. It even recognising my car as she nearly falls onto it.
I tell her to get in and she can't even operate the seatbelt.
She sees my dad and tries to open the car door as we are moving so drive on and I take her to my house and try to talk sense in to her and get her sober but she goes on the attack. She tells me Dads leaving her because of me, my influence over him and that he is trying to cover up a financial problem. I ask her do you think your drinking has anything to do with it? She says no, she only drink because of it.
The afternoon was full of accusation, I've listened and tried to calmly explain her misunderstandings. It was so hard not to scream at her.
She decides she's ready to go home and on the way tells me that next time she will throw herself under the train. My brain screamed "which station doing you want dropping at?" but I know I could live to regret such flippant words.
I'm so tired and emotionally drained, the tears keep appearing and I swallow them back. I do needed a friend today but know I have no one until Thursday I can talk to and that time will be too precious to ruin with tears.
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Frustrated
Sorry haven't posted over here in a while, been busy with work, family and falling in love.
Rest assured life is still mad, mother has ran away to other side of the world, this week Dad was burgled, hubby's car was broken in to and I found a lump.
Business as usual!
Off to hospital tomorrow for a biopsy, I'm sure it's nothing but still hard not to worry. The appointment was origionally last week but I had to move it. The night before the origional appointment YSL (my lover) messaged me telling me he would be thinking of me, letting me know he cares, hubby hasn't even asked how I got on and it's driving me mad that something that could be serious doesn't even concern him enough to check am I ok.
I've been there with a couple of my friends to do the hand holding and distracting while waiting for these appointments and whilst they know I'm there tomorrow there's no offer of a hand to hold from anyone.
My frustration isn't due to the gravity of the appointment, I've delt with greater problems and I'm not going to worry until there is something to worry about. It's down to how one way my relationships seem to be, me supporting them but no support or care reciprocated.
I asked a friend why once before and she said I always seem to cope so well and not seem bothered by stuff. Perhaps I put too much of a happy front on as today i feel like crumbling into a heap but I doubt anyone would guess.
Thankfully one person cares and does more than his fair share of being there for me these days.
Rest assured life is still mad, mother has ran away to other side of the world, this week Dad was burgled, hubby's car was broken in to and I found a lump.
Business as usual!
Off to hospital tomorrow for a biopsy, I'm sure it's nothing but still hard not to worry. The appointment was origionally last week but I had to move it. The night before the origional appointment YSL (my lover) messaged me telling me he would be thinking of me, letting me know he cares, hubby hasn't even asked how I got on and it's driving me mad that something that could be serious doesn't even concern him enough to check am I ok.
I've been there with a couple of my friends to do the hand holding and distracting while waiting for these appointments and whilst they know I'm there tomorrow there's no offer of a hand to hold from anyone.
My frustration isn't due to the gravity of the appointment, I've delt with greater problems and I'm not going to worry until there is something to worry about. It's down to how one way my relationships seem to be, me supporting them but no support or care reciprocated.
I asked a friend why once before and she said I always seem to cope so well and not seem bothered by stuff. Perhaps I put too much of a happy front on as today i feel like crumbling into a heap but I doubt anyone would guess.
Thankfully one person cares and does more than his fair share of being there for me these days.
Monday, 3 October 2011
This morning
The paramedics refused to take her to hospital, they suggested Dad left the house, she was as much a danger to him there as she is herself.
He stayed at mine and with 10minutes of him arriving the phones started. Drunk messages being left on house phones and mobiles. At about 12:30am my mobile goes and it's my brother this time. Mums rang him and told him Dads walked out, she's too drunk to comprehend that they are already separated just living in the same house also too drunk to realise she was letting my brother know she was drunk.
He starts yelling at me, I tell him '1 minute' I needed to get out of the bed which was easier said then done as I had a not so small child in with me. I go to the office and answer him again and again I get "what the fuck is happening" I say it's late, mums drunk, dads hear what else do you want to know. It seems the drunk bit was a revelation to him he had as ever bought mums lies and thinks me and Dad are conspiring.
I wake dad and I whisk I hadn't because for the next 30 minutes I watch him cry on the phone while he tries to get a word in edge ways as my brother rants. He thinks we are all useless, he thinks we should drag her to AA and make her go, he is flying her down there and going to make her stop once and for all!
He just doesn't get that preventing her from drinking doesn't fix the problem, until she accepts she is an alcoholic and does it herself anything else is just vanity.
The calls continued until almost 3am and then sleep was in short supply as I worried most of the night what harm she might do to herself.
Today she is just aggressive and full of blame, I'm keeping out of the way, I'm not feeling I can deal with it other than being a support to Dad. Brother has sent tickets and she leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks of being watched and taken to AA daily, she doesn't know it yet.
He stayed at mine and with 10minutes of him arriving the phones started. Drunk messages being left on house phones and mobiles. At about 12:30am my mobile goes and it's my brother this time. Mums rang him and told him Dads walked out, she's too drunk to comprehend that they are already separated just living in the same house also too drunk to realise she was letting my brother know she was drunk.
He starts yelling at me, I tell him '1 minute' I needed to get out of the bed which was easier said then done as I had a not so small child in with me. I go to the office and answer him again and again I get "what the fuck is happening" I say it's late, mums drunk, dads hear what else do you want to know. It seems the drunk bit was a revelation to him he had as ever bought mums lies and thinks me and Dad are conspiring.
I wake dad and I whisk I hadn't because for the next 30 minutes I watch him cry on the phone while he tries to get a word in edge ways as my brother rants. He thinks we are all useless, he thinks we should drag her to AA and make her go, he is flying her down there and going to make her stop once and for all!
He just doesn't get that preventing her from drinking doesn't fix the problem, until she accepts she is an alcoholic and does it herself anything else is just vanity.
The calls continued until almost 3am and then sleep was in short supply as I worried most of the night what harm she might do to herself.
Today she is just aggressive and full of blame, I'm keeping out of the way, I'm not feeling I can deal with it other than being a support to Dad. Brother has sent tickets and she leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks of being watched and taken to AA daily, she doesn't know it yet.
Sunday, 2 October 2011
And again
A year and a day on.
It was dads birthday,the day the business closed, the day I saw my dad cry, the day I had my mother arrested for assaulting me and then had her sectioned.
So much has happened in a year but clearly nothing has changed, last week she swore on my children's lives she wasn't drunk, I didn't believe her but I held the guilt of the vague possibilty I might be wrong.
Right now I'm waiting to see if she will be admitted, arrested or committed, worse still refused treatment because she drunk.
She's tried to attack dad, he called from his bedroom scared and not knowing what to do for the best.
I think tonight is going to be a long night.
It was dads birthday,the day the business closed, the day I saw my dad cry, the day I had my mother arrested for assaulting me and then had her sectioned.
So much has happened in a year but clearly nothing has changed, last week she swore on my children's lives she wasn't drunk, I didn't believe her but I held the guilt of the vague possibilty I might be wrong.
Right now I'm waiting to see if she will be admitted, arrested or committed, worse still refused treatment because she drunk.
She's tried to attack dad, he called from his bedroom scared and not knowing what to do for the best.
I think tonight is going to be a long night.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
The last therapy session and some other stuff
It was awful, I was foolish to think that I might have got him to see some sense over the past few days.
The therapist asks how weve got on, "fine apart from she hasnt told me whats gone on in the last 2 sessions" he says, im shocked because we had and because he is making it sound like he was excluded not that he couldnt be arsed!
I politely point out I had, "remember I told you we had discussed the condom situtation" He then launches into t yes you had to drag it up again. "Im sick of hearing about it, Ive said I havent but thats not enough is it". I explain again like i had last week, I want to have a calm adult conversation about it, I wanted to include it into our relationship if we needed to.
"i think its more than fair to ask for reassurance and understanding of our relationship" I say confidently "however all you did was go on the attack and tell me all my short comings and how your family and friends dislike me and that my friends dont like me" He smiles and replies "I thought it was an appropriate time to get things off my chest and whilst the truth hurts you needed to hear it".
Im agast and the tears are pouring down my face by now, upset and anger mixed together. He goes off explaining to the therapist all my short comings, I just sit and listen, I wait until the moment is right and try and explain how out of context what he is saying. I dont need too, she already knows it and when he has finished she pionts out the obvious. I was right to of asked him, he was wrong to attack me and to persist over a week after. His main gripe is that I undermine and he said "bully" others. She tactfully points out that what he is doing could be seen as being a bully. That he was stiffling any honesty between us.
SHe asks how I feel, im crying so much, I cant believe what things he has said about me, i tell them both I feel that I wish i had never bothered, that in future Id rather suffer in silence than go through this. I sit up straight in my chair wipe the tears and say to him "the next time a light joke about your DIY hurts you in front of your friends consider how I felt the day you asked me to come and pick you up from town at 2am I was parked up and you snogging a woman in front your friends, you got in the car and joked about her being better than me, that hurts". He says "that was over a year ago now", "exactly the joke to your friend was 4years ago".
At this point you can see the therapist thinking she was ill equiped or trained to defuse the bomb.she rounded up the session and suggested we book more sessions.
We head to the car and he asks for a hug. "AT this moment I dont ven want you to touch me" I reply.
I drop him home and head out to the beach, I cant face the PA and my Dad that were already at the house. I sit on the beach trying to stop the tears, evntually I just give in to them and let them out.
Nothing much else has been said since then, he has booked more session but with a different therapist which I think means he doesnt like what this one has to say.
The week didnt improve much either, the PA resigned, I had to get the police out to deal with my car being blocked in and damaged by some charver idiots. My mother is being her usual manipulating self, Dad is ill with all the stress.
Thank goodness I have 2 amazing children that make me smile everyday (and a lover).
The therapist asks how weve got on, "fine apart from she hasnt told me whats gone on in the last 2 sessions" he says, im shocked because we had and because he is making it sound like he was excluded not that he couldnt be arsed!
I politely point out I had, "remember I told you we had discussed the condom situtation" He then launches into t yes you had to drag it up again. "Im sick of hearing about it, Ive said I havent but thats not enough is it". I explain again like i had last week, I want to have a calm adult conversation about it, I wanted to include it into our relationship if we needed to.
"i think its more than fair to ask for reassurance and understanding of our relationship" I say confidently "however all you did was go on the attack and tell me all my short comings and how your family and friends dislike me and that my friends dont like me" He smiles and replies "I thought it was an appropriate time to get things off my chest and whilst the truth hurts you needed to hear it".
Im agast and the tears are pouring down my face by now, upset and anger mixed together. He goes off explaining to the therapist all my short comings, I just sit and listen, I wait until the moment is right and try and explain how out of context what he is saying. I dont need too, she already knows it and when he has finished she pionts out the obvious. I was right to of asked him, he was wrong to attack me and to persist over a week after. His main gripe is that I undermine and he said "bully" others. She tactfully points out that what he is doing could be seen as being a bully. That he was stiffling any honesty between us.
SHe asks how I feel, im crying so much, I cant believe what things he has said about me, i tell them both I feel that I wish i had never bothered, that in future Id rather suffer in silence than go through this. I sit up straight in my chair wipe the tears and say to him "the next time a light joke about your DIY hurts you in front of your friends consider how I felt the day you asked me to come and pick you up from town at 2am I was parked up and you snogging a woman in front your friends, you got in the car and joked about her being better than me, that hurts". He says "that was over a year ago now", "exactly the joke to your friend was 4years ago".
At this point you can see the therapist thinking she was ill equiped or trained to defuse the bomb.she rounded up the session and suggested we book more sessions.
We head to the car and he asks for a hug. "AT this moment I dont ven want you to touch me" I reply.
I drop him home and head out to the beach, I cant face the PA and my Dad that were already at the house. I sit on the beach trying to stop the tears, evntually I just give in to them and let them out.
Nothing much else has been said since then, he has booked more session but with a different therapist which I think means he doesnt like what this one has to say.
The week didnt improve much either, the PA resigned, I had to get the police out to deal with my car being blocked in and damaged by some charver idiots. My mother is being her usual manipulating self, Dad is ill with all the stress.
Thank goodness I have 2 amazing children that make me smile everyday (and a lover).
Sunday, 24 July 2011
I'm not a nice person (apparently)
I pluck up the courage to address the condoms again, I'm really calm and explain how the dates don't add up and that we should discuss these things, if he is having sex we need to work out how that fits into our relationship. I just want to know what I'm dealing with, I have no judgement to cast upon him, o have no right to that.
He says he isn't and I'm honest saying I still have my doubts. He decides best defence is attack.
All of a sudden a barrage of faults are thrown at me. One stands out and hurts the most. He tells me I ridicule him in front of people, I ask how/when. He says I did it just today when I told our friend how he had spoken in a funny accent in France on holiday. I'm thrown as this was just humour, my sense of humour, I always share stories of things we have done that are worthy of a giggle, more often I'm the butt of my own jokes. He says he can't talk to me about everything for fear if being made a laughing stock???
I apologise and say it was never meant to hurtful just sharing a funny moment, I politely point out that he has done this too me on many occasion, shared that little too much info but I've seen the value in the laugh.
He moves on to say his friends think the same, that I have been demeaning to them. I'm shocked and as when, apparently his friend had asked my opinion some 4 years ago if a new hair cut would make him look younger... My reply "somewhere between bob and no on the hope scale" it was just a funny retort!
Also his family!!! Apparently his mother has never rested well since I said hubby was never happier than with a cloth and sone bleach... Does no body get sarcasm??
So I'm starting to worry maybe i am some horrible person, some narsisitic streak I can't see.
Then he tells me he can't understand why my best friend even puts up with me I'm so mean and horrid to her. I'm crying now. He says he has even heard her say she does know why she puts up with the crap from me. Oh my god I never realised. I feel so winded, I never thought my sense of humour was hurtful, hurting the people around me.
He asks "was I bullied as a child" he knows the answer to this and it hurts that he even has brought this up and I can't reply as it sounds like I agree with him and I don't believe that just because I was bullied does'nt make me a bully. I'm do choked with tears but I don't want him to see how much he is hurting me.
I lie awake most of the tears pouring silently from me.
I leave for work early and first thing I do is ring best friend. I need to put things right. I explain what's happened and why I'm calling, she is silent on the phone, then she shrieks and starts laughing... "Seriously" she says, "you are the funniest, nicest, caring person. Sarcastic at times but more about your own flaws than anyone else" she assures me. "as for the I don't know why I put up with you comment that was because you asked me to do some work and I was being sarcastic! FFs!!"
Tears if relief ran down my face as I sat in the car, I can't believe I doubted myself so much.
When I went back home at lunch time he went at it again, telling my how selfish and spiteful I am. I just sit quiet and take it, quietly taking another step back from our relationship. He tells me he just wants to fix things and get back to having sex, I say there is no magic solution to this, he says I need to stop trying to hurt him. I ask him to explain, he says that just because he wouldn't have sex for me for years I'm just trying to get back at him.
I'm shocked I thought he understood this. This is feeling like one way traffic and its all my fault I ask him calmly a question. "All those years you didn't want to have sex with me, the changing excuses, the new reasons why you couldn't, did you do any of that to hurt me? "
"no" he says
"why can't you accept that maybe I'm just where you were then?"
He shrugs his shoulders unable to answer.
It's taken a few days to get my head back straight but now I resent what he did. I asked for an open discussion and reassurance which was perfectly reasonable and what I got was uncalled for and very hurtful.
It makes me see little point in raising any of my concerns in our marriage because the hurt isnt worth it. I hate that i feel this way as i struggle to make my feelings known anyway for fear of upsetting others.
He says he isn't and I'm honest saying I still have my doubts. He decides best defence is attack.
All of a sudden a barrage of faults are thrown at me. One stands out and hurts the most. He tells me I ridicule him in front of people, I ask how/when. He says I did it just today when I told our friend how he had spoken in a funny accent in France on holiday. I'm thrown as this was just humour, my sense of humour, I always share stories of things we have done that are worthy of a giggle, more often I'm the butt of my own jokes. He says he can't talk to me about everything for fear if being made a laughing stock???
I apologise and say it was never meant to hurtful just sharing a funny moment, I politely point out that he has done this too me on many occasion, shared that little too much info but I've seen the value in the laugh.
He moves on to say his friends think the same, that I have been demeaning to them. I'm shocked and as when, apparently his friend had asked my opinion some 4 years ago if a new hair cut would make him look younger... My reply "somewhere between bob and no on the hope scale" it was just a funny retort!
Also his family!!! Apparently his mother has never rested well since I said hubby was never happier than with a cloth and sone bleach... Does no body get sarcasm??
So I'm starting to worry maybe i am some horrible person, some narsisitic streak I can't see.
Then he tells me he can't understand why my best friend even puts up with me I'm so mean and horrid to her. I'm crying now. He says he has even heard her say she does know why she puts up with the crap from me. Oh my god I never realised. I feel so winded, I never thought my sense of humour was hurtful, hurting the people around me.
He asks "was I bullied as a child" he knows the answer to this and it hurts that he even has brought this up and I can't reply as it sounds like I agree with him and I don't believe that just because I was bullied does'nt make me a bully. I'm do choked with tears but I don't want him to see how much he is hurting me.
I lie awake most of the tears pouring silently from me.
I leave for work early and first thing I do is ring best friend. I need to put things right. I explain what's happened and why I'm calling, she is silent on the phone, then she shrieks and starts laughing... "Seriously" she says, "you are the funniest, nicest, caring person. Sarcastic at times but more about your own flaws than anyone else" she assures me. "as for the I don't know why I put up with you comment that was because you asked me to do some work and I was being sarcastic! FFs!!"
Tears if relief ran down my face as I sat in the car, I can't believe I doubted myself so much.
When I went back home at lunch time he went at it again, telling my how selfish and spiteful I am. I just sit quiet and take it, quietly taking another step back from our relationship. He tells me he just wants to fix things and get back to having sex, I say there is no magic solution to this, he says I need to stop trying to hurt him. I ask him to explain, he says that just because he wouldn't have sex for me for years I'm just trying to get back at him.
I'm shocked I thought he understood this. This is feeling like one way traffic and its all my fault I ask him calmly a question. "All those years you didn't want to have sex with me, the changing excuses, the new reasons why you couldn't, did you do any of that to hurt me? "
"no" he says
"why can't you accept that maybe I'm just where you were then?"
He shrugs his shoulders unable to answer.
It's taken a few days to get my head back straight but now I resent what he did. I asked for an open discussion and reassurance which was perfectly reasonable and what I got was uncalled for and very hurtful.
It makes me see little point in raising any of my concerns in our marriage because the hurt isnt worth it. I hate that i feel this way as i struggle to make my feelings known anyway for fear of upsetting others.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
life at the moment
Quick update....
Mother
Still not speaking, as ever she bent things in her head and thinks its all me. I called her last week to clarify exactly where things stood. She says "i dont understand as im beng nice to you and want to be your friend". I keep it calm and straight to the point and explain that this couldnt be the case as the last contact I had from her she was abusive and cruel. I said either you were drunk and that is inexcusable or you were rude and abusive which is inexcusable. We havent spoken since.
Ive been to seen a cousellor for families with addiction problems, more to keep Dad happy as Im confident Im doing the right thing and thankfully they agreed with me. Tough love is the only way to go. Being kind is only going to kill her.
Dad
He seems to of got some confidence back, he is looking for his own place now and I hope he goes for it, only thing that is holding him back is my mother and brother. Brother is back believing everything my Mother says so dad is left as the villian. I have a horrible feeling from reading between the lines he is about to engage solicitors on behalf of my Mother instead of letting them just sort things between themselves. Its going to cause alot of pain especially for her as it will force Dads hand for a divorce.
Work
Things are tough at the moment, but hopefully in the next month or so all the hard work will pay off.
Marriage
Last 2 counselling session have been alone. It makes such a statement going to work on a partnership alone. Last week I was looking for deodrant and discovered lube in Hubbys wardrobe when I got back from trip away, it had moved the next day and so had the deodrant. He was packing to go away so I opened the case to grab some deo and found condoms instead.
and before you gasp and say hipocrit im not after his blood for it I just thought it would give i a spring board to talk. I asked him why he had them, he says they were from when we had sex last. I say they cant be as the last time I borrowed this case you said the same and that was a half used pack plus the exp date is 2014 and ive had the coil in since 2008, so unless NASA are making his condoms they were bought 2010 earliest but more likely this year. He has since defend his corner with the 'posh wank' argument which I stated that a pos wank is an urban mith for people found with condoms.
I plan to talk more with him, ive had a chance to think things through and I want this to give us a chance to move forward.
I told the marriage counsellor about it all this week. Her parting words were... i think its time you started looking after yourself.
Ending on a positive note....
My children are great, they give me so many reasons to smile. (and ive fallen for my lover)
Mother
Still not speaking, as ever she bent things in her head and thinks its all me. I called her last week to clarify exactly where things stood. She says "i dont understand as im beng nice to you and want to be your friend". I keep it calm and straight to the point and explain that this couldnt be the case as the last contact I had from her she was abusive and cruel. I said either you were drunk and that is inexcusable or you were rude and abusive which is inexcusable. We havent spoken since.
Ive been to seen a cousellor for families with addiction problems, more to keep Dad happy as Im confident Im doing the right thing and thankfully they agreed with me. Tough love is the only way to go. Being kind is only going to kill her.
Dad
He seems to of got some confidence back, he is looking for his own place now and I hope he goes for it, only thing that is holding him back is my mother and brother. Brother is back believing everything my Mother says so dad is left as the villian. I have a horrible feeling from reading between the lines he is about to engage solicitors on behalf of my Mother instead of letting them just sort things between themselves. Its going to cause alot of pain especially for her as it will force Dads hand for a divorce.
Work
Things are tough at the moment, but hopefully in the next month or so all the hard work will pay off.
Marriage
Last 2 counselling session have been alone. It makes such a statement going to work on a partnership alone. Last week I was looking for deodrant and discovered lube in Hubbys wardrobe when I got back from trip away, it had moved the next day and so had the deodrant. He was packing to go away so I opened the case to grab some deo and found condoms instead.
and before you gasp and say hipocrit im not after his blood for it I just thought it would give i a spring board to talk. I asked him why he had them, he says they were from when we had sex last. I say they cant be as the last time I borrowed this case you said the same and that was a half used pack plus the exp date is 2014 and ive had the coil in since 2008, so unless NASA are making his condoms they were bought 2010 earliest but more likely this year. He has since defend his corner with the 'posh wank' argument which I stated that a pos wank is an urban mith for people found with condoms.
I plan to talk more with him, ive had a chance to think things through and I want this to give us a chance to move forward.
I told the marriage counsellor about it all this week. Her parting words were... i think its time you started looking after yourself.
Ending on a positive note....
My children are great, they give me so many reasons to smile. (and ive fallen for my lover)
Monday, 20 June 2011
Fathers day
Fathers day
The build up was just my style, mum called me Wednesday, I was with my best friend, I take the call and the abuse starts. Up till this point I was having a perfect day, id woken in the arms of my lover after a perfect night together.
I ask are you drunk calmly "yes I'm fucking off my head" is the reply. 'fuck off, fuck off' is then mumbled by her, I ask what her point is, she wants to know what's happening Sunday (fathers day).
I don't know I tell her, I will let you know when I do, she shouts "fucking tell me now you bitch" I don't understand the tone of it all then the penny drops but I chose to not let on and hang up.
A few hours later I call at the house to see if she was 'off her gead'. She certainly wasn't right but I couldn't of sworn she was drunk.
I ask "what was the abusive call about"
"what call?"
"the call where you told me you were off your fucking nut" I reply trying to stay calm.
"I never said that" she snaps back
"you were demanding to know what's happening on Sunday as well"
"well what is happening?" She growls
"so now you are admitting to calling me?" I ask, bemused by the game playing
"I only called to ask what's happening, you were the one that got abusive"
I get up, as I'm about to leave I turn to her and say "you are single handedly unpicking what's left of this family, Sunday will be for the kids and (hubby) only, I won't tolerate this anymore"
She screams at me "you are the one that has done this, you have ruined my marriage even your brother hates you"
I leave, she can't see I'm crying.
By the time I get home the answer phone is littered with messages asking for me to call her, as I'm deleting them she calls again and I answer.
"I'm not sure why you came here and did that to me" she says "I just want to know if your dad is coming over on Sunday, I'm going away if he does" she hisses.
"no, you have decided for me" I choke back my tears "you have no idea how heart breaking it is to have your mother do this, you are making it harder to care"
"you never fucking cared about me" She screams
I hung up.
Sunday morning dad sneaks over and enjoys fresh baked brownies and hugs with the kids while he pretended he was going to the shops.
Hubby was so supportive (NOT). he refused to lift a finger as it was his day! I'm happy to spoil on such days but it's a reciprocal arrangement. Motherday and his birthday clashed this year so nothing happened for me except hugs and cards from the kids.
Sunday he wouldn't even help with the kids. I make smoked salmon and eggs for breakfast, carpet picnic for lunch and steak for tea. As I walk through with the steak I discover he has opened the champagne and is toasting being a great dad with the kids.
I want to shove that bottle somewhere it would need medical assistance to remove it.
My only moment of joy is when my hubby asked for a drink and daughter chirps up "I think you are pushing your luck, you did nothing like this for mummy".
The build up was just my style, mum called me Wednesday, I was with my best friend, I take the call and the abuse starts. Up till this point I was having a perfect day, id woken in the arms of my lover after a perfect night together.
I ask are you drunk calmly "yes I'm fucking off my head" is the reply. 'fuck off, fuck off' is then mumbled by her, I ask what her point is, she wants to know what's happening Sunday (fathers day).
I don't know I tell her, I will let you know when I do, she shouts "fucking tell me now you bitch" I don't understand the tone of it all then the penny drops but I chose to not let on and hang up.
A few hours later I call at the house to see if she was 'off her gead'. She certainly wasn't right but I couldn't of sworn she was drunk.
I ask "what was the abusive call about"
"what call?"
"the call where you told me you were off your fucking nut" I reply trying to stay calm.
"I never said that" she snaps back
"you were demanding to know what's happening on Sunday as well"
"well what is happening?" She growls
"so now you are admitting to calling me?" I ask, bemused by the game playing
"I only called to ask what's happening, you were the one that got abusive"
I get up, as I'm about to leave I turn to her and say "you are single handedly unpicking what's left of this family, Sunday will be for the kids and (hubby) only, I won't tolerate this anymore"
She screams at me "you are the one that has done this, you have ruined my marriage even your brother hates you"
I leave, she can't see I'm crying.
By the time I get home the answer phone is littered with messages asking for me to call her, as I'm deleting them she calls again and I answer.
"I'm not sure why you came here and did that to me" she says "I just want to know if your dad is coming over on Sunday, I'm going away if he does" she hisses.
"no, you have decided for me" I choke back my tears "you have no idea how heart breaking it is to have your mother do this, you are making it harder to care"
"you never fucking cared about me" She screams
I hung up.
Sunday morning dad sneaks over and enjoys fresh baked brownies and hugs with the kids while he pretended he was going to the shops.
Hubby was so supportive (NOT). he refused to lift a finger as it was his day! I'm happy to spoil on such days but it's a reciprocal arrangement. Motherday and his birthday clashed this year so nothing happened for me except hugs and cards from the kids.
Sunday he wouldn't even help with the kids. I make smoked salmon and eggs for breakfast, carpet picnic for lunch and steak for tea. As I walk through with the steak I discover he has opened the champagne and is toasting being a great dad with the kids.
I want to shove that bottle somewhere it would need medical assistance to remove it.
My only moment of joy is when my hubby asked for a drink and daughter chirps up "I think you are pushing your luck, you did nothing like this for mummy".
Monday, 23 May 2011
Yesterday I tried to have sex with hubby
Yesterday I was woken by hubby's hand between my thighs, im shocked but I really dont want to hurt him, things have at least become understandable between us, so I pretend I'm still asleep and turn away from him, he starts to rub my back so I get up to go pee and then hide in bathroom until he goes to make coffee.
He knows 4 years of rejection and excuses have brought us to here but I think todays last marriage counselling has him desperate to get a positive outcome.
Nothing was said all day, it was a busy day with a BBQ and a party.
Back at home drunk, I was dancing, been at party all day, he steps up and take hold of me, I try to stay with the moment, I want to try and get past this. Maybe if I can just let go of this hurt and fear of rejection we can move on.
As he touches me I burst into tears, the tears turn into uncontrollable sobs.
I lie on the sofa crying, he says sorry and goes to bed leaving me to cry.
In 30 minutes we go to our last session, we haven't spoken since last night. I feel sick (partially the hangover) I don't want to deal with this. I want to hide.
He knows 4 years of rejection and excuses have brought us to here but I think todays last marriage counselling has him desperate to get a positive outcome.
Nothing was said all day, it was a busy day with a BBQ and a party.
Back at home drunk, I was dancing, been at party all day, he steps up and take hold of me, I try to stay with the moment, I want to try and get past this. Maybe if I can just let go of this hurt and fear of rejection we can move on.
As he touches me I burst into tears, the tears turn into uncontrollable sobs.
I lie on the sofa crying, he says sorry and goes to bed leaving me to cry.
In 30 minutes we go to our last session, we haven't spoken since last night. I feel sick (partially the hangover) I don't want to deal with this. I want to hide.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Been a while
Lifes been a bit too much to even take a moment to recount, I just needed to keep moving forward but kind of feel this week things are a little more balanced and getting back on track.
The quick updates are:
Mother still a nutter
Dad still heart broken
Brother still being a twat
Hubby ignoring me yet being very posesive (i know thats contradictory but its like when a kid doesnt play with a toy but no one else can either)
Kids are just perfect and keeping me smiling
When things are tough you get to know who your friends are and I must say the Therapist, Mykeyman and Big G have been great and full of hugs when ive needed them. Work has been pretty tough and having to have kids straight from school as they havent been able to go to Mums has been a real hard thing to deal with, its cut my working time almost in half.
Ive met a man that so far has me smiling, I dont want to wish for too much as I dont think I could cope with the heart ache, but he certainly seems to care.
Mum goes away on Sunday fr 2 weeks so that should take the pressure off everyone and teach my brother a lesson as she going to stay with him for a few weeks. Sods law is though she will behave impecably!
MOnday is the last of my Marriage Counselling sessions, im not sure how that will go as im assuming she will ask what we have gained/achieved... it hasnt all been a waste of time as I do think he did take on board some of my feelings and why I now dont want him sexually, after all the years of turning me down. He also took onboard to stop making inappropriate drunken advances or sober for that matter, I feel more comfortable about that as it got to the point I was clinging onto the edge of the bed praying he wouldnt touch me.
I dont think we have moved forward but I think we are more comfortable with where we are. I think perhaps all the trouble with my family has helped bring us a little closer as he had his moments where he has been supportive, he didnt complain once when Dad moved in and has taken time to go speak to Mum.
I cant see me wanting to get the relationship sexual again, I think Ive moved past that point, too much hurt and too much coping to change how I feel, plus as the therapist said even if we did start having sex ive moved on in so many ways with preferences and limits, become acustomed to a partner giving in the bed room, his 2 minutes isnt going to cut the mustard any more.
I will let you know how we get on xx
The quick updates are:
Mother still a nutter
Dad still heart broken
Brother still being a twat
Hubby ignoring me yet being very posesive (i know thats contradictory but its like when a kid doesnt play with a toy but no one else can either)
Kids are just perfect and keeping me smiling
When things are tough you get to know who your friends are and I must say the Therapist, Mykeyman and Big G have been great and full of hugs when ive needed them. Work has been pretty tough and having to have kids straight from school as they havent been able to go to Mums has been a real hard thing to deal with, its cut my working time almost in half.
Ive met a man that so far has me smiling, I dont want to wish for too much as I dont think I could cope with the heart ache, but he certainly seems to care.
Mum goes away on Sunday fr 2 weeks so that should take the pressure off everyone and teach my brother a lesson as she going to stay with him for a few weeks. Sods law is though she will behave impecably!
MOnday is the last of my Marriage Counselling sessions, im not sure how that will go as im assuming she will ask what we have gained/achieved... it hasnt all been a waste of time as I do think he did take on board some of my feelings and why I now dont want him sexually, after all the years of turning me down. He also took onboard to stop making inappropriate drunken advances or sober for that matter, I feel more comfortable about that as it got to the point I was clinging onto the edge of the bed praying he wouldnt touch me.
I dont think we have moved forward but I think we are more comfortable with where we are. I think perhaps all the trouble with my family has helped bring us a little closer as he had his moments where he has been supportive, he didnt complain once when Dad moved in and has taken time to go speak to Mum.
I cant see me wanting to get the relationship sexual again, I think Ive moved past that point, too much hurt and too much coping to change how I feel, plus as the therapist said even if we did start having sex ive moved on in so many ways with preferences and limits, become acustomed to a partner giving in the bed room, his 2 minutes isnt going to cut the mustard any more.
I will let you know how we get on xx
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Escape hatch please
Life's a bit upside down at the moment and I'm more than a bit battle weary.
Mum is the main cause of friction and causing so much disruption to life. Dad was initially staying here but he moved back home last week because mum cancelled the care service. She knew dad wouldn't let her be without care,she has manipulated the situation perfectly.
Good news is dad has put house up for sale and pushing forward with divorce.
Brother thinks he is god he told mum to confess her sins and all would be forgiven. The day the house went up for sale and reality hit hard she decided to confess she is an alcoholic. I get a text and several calls from brother lecturing me on how mum is moving forward and I shouldn't be so selfish and negative. Saying I'm an alcoholic in desperation to stop dad leaving her is not fixing it, she would of confessed to anything if she thought it would stop her losing the house.
I've told him I will believe her when her actions prove it.
The nightmare bit is though my mum has promised my daughter she Wong ever drink again, that's a promise she can't keep I don't think and it's going to break my daughters heart if she does.
Dads still coming to the house daily spending time with the kids and me, I welcome him buy it's emotionally draining me. It's hard work keeping him upbeat and focused as he us so depressed and ill with everything going on.
The pressure he is getting from my brother to stay with mum is so unfair. Because he lives hundreds of miles away and doesn't see what's happening, he doesn't have to deal with anything other than the odd drunk phone call he thinks her admission of guilt is enough. He needs to be here and know what it's like to find her slumped in her own vomit, hear the vile threats and name calling, be hit when your trying to stop her hurting herself.
I really need a break, I'm thinking of disappearing next week for a few days, catch my breath and do something for me.
Mum is the main cause of friction and causing so much disruption to life. Dad was initially staying here but he moved back home last week because mum cancelled the care service. She knew dad wouldn't let her be without care,she has manipulated the situation perfectly.
Good news is dad has put house up for sale and pushing forward with divorce.
Brother thinks he is god he told mum to confess her sins and all would be forgiven. The day the house went up for sale and reality hit hard she decided to confess she is an alcoholic. I get a text and several calls from brother lecturing me on how mum is moving forward and I shouldn't be so selfish and negative. Saying I'm an alcoholic in desperation to stop dad leaving her is not fixing it, she would of confessed to anything if she thought it would stop her losing the house.
I've told him I will believe her when her actions prove it.
The nightmare bit is though my mum has promised my daughter she Wong ever drink again, that's a promise she can't keep I don't think and it's going to break my daughters heart if she does.
Dads still coming to the house daily spending time with the kids and me, I welcome him buy it's emotionally draining me. It's hard work keeping him upbeat and focused as he us so depressed and ill with everything going on.
The pressure he is getting from my brother to stay with mum is so unfair. Because he lives hundreds of miles away and doesn't see what's happening, he doesn't have to deal with anything other than the odd drunk phone call he thinks her admission of guilt is enough. He needs to be here and know what it's like to find her slumped in her own vomit, hear the vile threats and name calling, be hit when your trying to stop her hurting herself.
I really need a break, I'm thinking of disappearing next week for a few days, catch my breath and do something for me.
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Daughter is a bad loser!
There is little to add other than I won at monopoly!
I do think chopping off my hand would be a slightly extreme reaction.
Would you let them win ?
Saturday, 5 March 2011
Still in hospital
Following last weeks fiasco with mum she is still in hospital, they've had to operate 3 times on her ankle, they've put plates in it now and they are keeping her in. Good thing is it's drying her out.
Downside is the begging and pathetic phone calls from her pretending she's this weak ill victim that needs visitors. I ignored the first few calls, I was away in London on business and meeting a blog friend and found it best to ignore.
Yesterday she called and I decided to answer it, she asked since I was back from London could I pop in and bring the tweezers. I was direct but calm and said no, I would not be calling in, I'm done, I have no interest in being verbally znd physically battered by a drunk. She gets angry and tells me to visit tonight or I was evil fir not seeing my sick mother. I answer calmly you are a drunk and liar, deal with that and we might begin to speak again until then don't bother calling.
I sat shaking after the call.
It looks like she will be in hospital for at least another week, dads telling her tomorrow he's going for a divorce. I want him to do it while she is sober in hospital and being watched by the medical staff.
Downside is the begging and pathetic phone calls from her pretending she's this weak ill victim that needs visitors. I ignored the first few calls, I was away in London on business and meeting a blog friend and found it best to ignore.
Yesterday she called and I decided to answer it, she asked since I was back from London could I pop in and bring the tweezers. I was direct but calm and said no, I would not be calling in, I'm done, I have no interest in being verbally znd physically battered by a drunk. She gets angry and tells me to visit tonight or I was evil fir not seeing my sick mother. I answer calmly you are a drunk and liar, deal with that and we might begin to speak again until then don't bother calling.
I sat shaking after the call.
It looks like she will be in hospital for at least another week, dads telling her tomorrow he's going for a divorce. I want him to do it while she is sober in hospital and being watched by the medical staff.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
could really do with a cuddle
let see if I can get this down and make sense
last week mum got drunk, she got agressive and started threatening me and dad, we tried to calm her down and eventually she fell asleep pissed. She calls at about 5ish and asks if dad is there, before i reply no she launches into that if he is tell him to piss off and never come home again, she starts swearing and being vile. This I can cope with but my daughter was sat on my knee as we did her homework so I got up and walked into the other room and let loose.
I tell her to never contact me again, im done.
The next night I started to make tea, Dad decided to join us at about 6:30 and thought he would give daughter a guitar lesson.
at 7:30 she rings my house and I ignore the call, dad decides to leave and head home, as he arrives home he sees a taxis leaving the estate with her in it, to his disapointment she arrives back seconds later she had decided to come to my house to look for Dad, despite me telling her she was not welcome anymore.
The next day Dad calls me, Mum has forgotten that she even spoke to me, let alone the fact that I dont want her to contact me. Mum calls and leaves message asking to dinner and a girly night.
I ignore the calls, the phone rings relentlessly, Im delivering a talk, part of one of my voluntary days I do for charity and the message rack up. Then my dad starts to leave messages.
He had returned home to find the house full of smoke and the cooker was on with foos all burning away and no sign of Mum. Dad then finds her slupped upstairs and unable to speak. The paramedics are called it looks like she has had a stroke.
She started to get aggressive and the paramendics couldnt deal with her, eventually the sedate her and get her to hospital. After hours of tests and her trying to escape 3 times but she cant walk as it becomes apparent she has snapped her ankle and she is a BIG woman walking on a snapped bone. The blood tests and scans come back.
bearing in mond that the tests were taken many hours after she was first found by dad she was 6 times over the legal limit. Doctirs think she has drank 1 ltr of spirit.
The Doctors were great, he told dad that even he had belive she hadnt drank she had protested at the accusation so much, spouting that she had been dry for nearly a year,they told dad to go home and rest they really looked after him I think they could see how destroyed he was. It looks like the doctors have really got a grip on this and are looking to get her in rehab.
Theyve kept her in hospital. She needs several operations on her ankle and I think they are trying to dry her out and let her see what she has done. This morning she woke up in hospital not knowing how she got there or how she hurt herself.
It looks like my brother has now taken the same stance as me and has cancelled his visit home with his children.
Dads in a mess but today he took a positive step forward, he booked an appointment with a divorce lawyer.
Everyones away, kids and husband are visiting his family, im feeling pretty alone with this and no shoulder to cry on.
I so need a big bear hug.
last week mum got drunk, she got agressive and started threatening me and dad, we tried to calm her down and eventually she fell asleep pissed. She calls at about 5ish and asks if dad is there, before i reply no she launches into that if he is tell him to piss off and never come home again, she starts swearing and being vile. This I can cope with but my daughter was sat on my knee as we did her homework so I got up and walked into the other room and let loose.
I tell her to never contact me again, im done.
The next night I started to make tea, Dad decided to join us at about 6:30 and thought he would give daughter a guitar lesson.
at 7:30 she rings my house and I ignore the call, dad decides to leave and head home, as he arrives home he sees a taxis leaving the estate with her in it, to his disapointment she arrives back seconds later she had decided to come to my house to look for Dad, despite me telling her she was not welcome anymore.
The next day Dad calls me, Mum has forgotten that she even spoke to me, let alone the fact that I dont want her to contact me. Mum calls and leaves message asking to dinner and a girly night.
I ignore the calls, the phone rings relentlessly, Im delivering a talk, part of one of my voluntary days I do for charity and the message rack up. Then my dad starts to leave messages.
He had returned home to find the house full of smoke and the cooker was on with foos all burning away and no sign of Mum. Dad then finds her slupped upstairs and unable to speak. The paramedics are called it looks like she has had a stroke.
She started to get aggressive and the paramendics couldnt deal with her, eventually the sedate her and get her to hospital. After hours of tests and her trying to escape 3 times but she cant walk as it becomes apparent she has snapped her ankle and she is a BIG woman walking on a snapped bone. The blood tests and scans come back.
bearing in mond that the tests were taken many hours after she was first found by dad she was 6 times over the legal limit. Doctirs think she has drank 1 ltr of spirit.
The Doctors were great, he told dad that even he had belive she hadnt drank she had protested at the accusation so much, spouting that she had been dry for nearly a year,they told dad to go home and rest they really looked after him I think they could see how destroyed he was. It looks like the doctors have really got a grip on this and are looking to get her in rehab.
Theyve kept her in hospital. She needs several operations on her ankle and I think they are trying to dry her out and let her see what she has done. This morning she woke up in hospital not knowing how she got there or how she hurt herself.
It looks like my brother has now taken the same stance as me and has cancelled his visit home with his children.
Dads in a mess but today he took a positive step forward, he booked an appointment with a divorce lawyer.
Everyones away, kids and husband are visiting his family, im feeling pretty alone with this and no shoulder to cry on.
I so need a big bear hug.
Monday, 14 February 2011
Valentines - I feel so loved - then they robbed me blind
Woke up to the sound of my son saying he loves me, such a wonderful way to start the day.
The husband had bought me a card, its huge, lacking thought and sentiment but typical bloke thinking size matters.
I hurry to get dressed and leave house for the school run, my daughter reaches the car ahead of me and turns to me horrified, we've been broken into. Theyve taken loads.
The kids ipods that were hidden away, laptop in boot, mummys naughty toy bag even!
So day has been spent dealing with the aftermath and calming children down as it seems the thieves entered the house for my keys.
Nightmare! :(
The husband had bought me a card, its huge, lacking thought and sentiment but typical bloke thinking size matters.
I hurry to get dressed and leave house for the school run, my daughter reaches the car ahead of me and turns to me horrified, we've been broken into. Theyve taken loads.
The kids ipods that were hidden away, laptop in boot, mummys naughty toy bag even!
So day has been spent dealing with the aftermath and calming children down as it seems the thieves entered the house for my keys.
Nightmare! :(
Saturday, 5 February 2011
Another hard week
It's been a tough week again. Monday I had my wisdom tooth out that they made the mess of the other month. They had to take a bit if the jaw out as well so I'm in agony. Swelling is going down now but it's driving me nuts.
While lay in bed dwelling on the pain I decided to start a diet. I didn't sleep at all Monday night planning a new me and taking painkillers.
Tuesday I was so tired and pain seemed amplified so I did the sensible thing and went on a bike ride! Yes I regretted it when u was about a mile from the house, my knee cap popped out if joint (fell 2weeks ago and meant to be resting it) the air was so cold it ached my jaw. I walked back with bike and surrendered to my bed.
Wednesday was pretty quiet for me, managed work then chilled out.
Thursday all he'll broke lose! I'd just left my parent house after a morning coffee with dad, he called laughing but I could tell it was more a "you will never believe it" kind of laugh. As I'd driven off mum had arrived home, first time for a long while she has been out unsupervised, she was sober.... But.... She was horrified to find dad still home. Dad is sharp on this and watches her carefully, she is trying to hide her handbag. He asks whats wrong and she waffles about not feeling well, dad tells her to sit down and he will make a cup if tea. As he goes in the kitchen she makes a dive for her handbag unaware dad us now stood watching. She fails to hide the 2 bottles of vodka and the cigerettes in time. Dad takes them off her and stands sobbing, "the first time I trust and hope you don't fall off the band wagon". He leaves the house with the drink and cigarettes and calls me laughing, hysterics.
Mum calls me looking for dad, she is crying saying she needs help, she says she bought booze but hasn't drank it. I already know the answer but I ask her did you get caught and not drink or not drink because you know you shouldn't which is what she is suggesting on the phone. She falls quiet and sobs she was caught. She says she needs help, I was strong and told her to start by helping herself and when she can prove she doing something about it I will support her. She snaps back at me she only wanted a drink today because me and dad don't love her, I calmly tell her we are at this point because of the drink and we do love you we just hate the lies and the person the drink makes you.
She goes off the phone crying.
A few hours later she calls back and says she has promised a special trip for my son can she take him, I tell her no, she isn't allowed to look after my children unsupervised why would I make an exception and especially on a day she gas proved she can't be trusted.
Meanwhile it seems she had called her sister for support, she was drunk and thought it wise to post all the woe on face book!!! My brother calls dad to find out what's happening and it all kicks off! Mum finds out brother knows and kicks off that dad has told him, she is horrified to hear her sister did the telling.
You couldn't write a soap like this could you??
Anyway in short diet going well, face hurts still and my family are driving me nuts!!
While lay in bed dwelling on the pain I decided to start a diet. I didn't sleep at all Monday night planning a new me and taking painkillers.
Tuesday I was so tired and pain seemed amplified so I did the sensible thing and went on a bike ride! Yes I regretted it when u was about a mile from the house, my knee cap popped out if joint (fell 2weeks ago and meant to be resting it) the air was so cold it ached my jaw. I walked back with bike and surrendered to my bed.
Wednesday was pretty quiet for me, managed work then chilled out.
Thursday all he'll broke lose! I'd just left my parent house after a morning coffee with dad, he called laughing but I could tell it was more a "you will never believe it" kind of laugh. As I'd driven off mum had arrived home, first time for a long while she has been out unsupervised, she was sober.... But.... She was horrified to find dad still home. Dad is sharp on this and watches her carefully, she is trying to hide her handbag. He asks whats wrong and she waffles about not feeling well, dad tells her to sit down and he will make a cup if tea. As he goes in the kitchen she makes a dive for her handbag unaware dad us now stood watching. She fails to hide the 2 bottles of vodka and the cigerettes in time. Dad takes them off her and stands sobbing, "the first time I trust and hope you don't fall off the band wagon". He leaves the house with the drink and cigarettes and calls me laughing, hysterics.
Mum calls me looking for dad, she is crying saying she needs help, she says she bought booze but hasn't drank it. I already know the answer but I ask her did you get caught and not drink or not drink because you know you shouldn't which is what she is suggesting on the phone. She falls quiet and sobs she was caught. She says she needs help, I was strong and told her to start by helping herself and when she can prove she doing something about it I will support her. She snaps back at me she only wanted a drink today because me and dad don't love her, I calmly tell her we are at this point because of the drink and we do love you we just hate the lies and the person the drink makes you.
She goes off the phone crying.
A few hours later she calls back and says she has promised a special trip for my son can she take him, I tell her no, she isn't allowed to look after my children unsupervised why would I make an exception and especially on a day she gas proved she can't be trusted.
Meanwhile it seems she had called her sister for support, she was drunk and thought it wise to post all the woe on face book!!! My brother calls dad to find out what's happening and it all kicks off! Mum finds out brother knows and kicks off that dad has told him, she is horrified to hear her sister did the telling.
You couldn't write a soap like this could you??
Anyway in short diet going well, face hurts still and my family are driving me nuts!!
whyy not
Chose one of below
A) I tend not to play with guys that say 'wanna play with me'
B) I have no idea who you are so why would I
C) because I'm losing valuable minutes of my life justifying myself when I have the right to have a preference
:)
Friday, 4 February 2011
Another hard week
It's been a tough week again. Monday I had my wisdom tooth out that they made the mess of the other month. They had to take a bit if the jaw out as well so I'm in agony. Swelling is going down now but it's driving me nuts.
While lay in bed dwelling on the pain I decided to start a diet. I didn't sleep at all Monday night planning a new me and taking painkillers.
Tuesday I was so tired and pain seemed amplified so I did the sensible thing and went on a bike ride! Yes I regretted it when u was about a mile from the house, my knee cap popped out if joint (fell 2weeks ago and meant to be resting it) the air was so cold it ached my jaw. I walked back with bike and surrendered to my bed.
Wednesday was pretty quiet for me, managed work then chilled out.
Thursday all he'll broke lose! I'd just left my parent house after a morning coffee with dad, he called laughing but I could tell it was more a "you will never believe it" kind of laugh. As I'd driven off mum had arrived home, first time for a long while she has been out unsupervised, she was sober.... But.... She was horrified to find dad still home. Dad is sharp on this and watches her carefully, she is trying to hide her handbag. He asks whats wrong and she waffles about not feeling well, dad tells her to sit down and he will make a cup if tea. As he goes in the kitchen she makes a dive for her handbag unaware dad us now stood watching. She fails to hide the 2 bottles of vodka and the cigerettes in time. Dad takes them off her and stands sobbing, "the first time I trust and hope you don't fall off the band wagon". He leaves the house with the drink and cigarettes and calls me laughing, hysterics.
Mum calls me looking for dad, she is crying saying she needs help, she says she bought booze but hasn't drank it. I already know the answer but I ask her did you get caught and not drink or not drink because you know you shouldn't which is what she is suggesting on the phone. She falls quiet and sobs she was caught. She says she needs help, I was strong and told her to start by helping herself and when she can prove she doing something about it I will support her. She snaps back at me she only wanted a drink today because me and dad don't love her, I calmly tell her we are at this point because of the drink and we do love you we just hate the lies and the person the drink makes you.
She goes off the phone crying.
A few hours later she calls back and says she has promised a special trip for my son can she take him, I tell her no, she isn't allowed to look after my children unsupervised why would I make an exception and especially on a day she gas proved she can't be trusted.
Meanwhile it seems she had called her sister for support, she was drunk and thought it wise to post all the woe on face book!!! My brother calls dad to find out what's happening and it all kicks off! Mum finds out brother knows and kicks off that dad has told him, she is horrified to hear her sister did the telling.
You couldn't write a soap like this could you??
Anyway in short diet going well, face hurts still and my family are driving me nuts!!
While lay in bed dwelling on the pain I decided to start a diet. I didn't sleep at all Monday night planning a new me and taking painkillers.
Tuesday I was so tired and pain seemed amplified so I did the sensible thing and went on a bike ride! Yes I regretted it when u was about a mile from the house, my knee cap popped out if joint (fell 2weeks ago and meant to be resting it) the air was so cold it ached my jaw. I walked back with bike and surrendered to my bed.
Wednesday was pretty quiet for me, managed work then chilled out.
Thursday all he'll broke lose! I'd just left my parent house after a morning coffee with dad, he called laughing but I could tell it was more a "you will never believe it" kind of laugh. As I'd driven off mum had arrived home, first time for a long while she has been out unsupervised, she was sober.... But.... She was horrified to find dad still home. Dad is sharp on this and watches her carefully, she is trying to hide her handbag. He asks whats wrong and she waffles about not feeling well, dad tells her to sit down and he will make a cup if tea. As he goes in the kitchen she makes a dive for her handbag unaware dad us now stood watching. She fails to hide the 2 bottles of vodka and the cigerettes in time. Dad takes them off her and stands sobbing, "the first time I trust and hope you don't fall off the band wagon". He leaves the house with the drink and cigarettes and calls me laughing, hysterics.
Mum calls me looking for dad, she is crying saying she needs help, she says she bought booze but hasn't drank it. I already know the answer but I ask her did you get caught and not drink or not drink because you know you shouldn't which is what she is suggesting on the phone. She falls quiet and sobs she was caught. She says she needs help, I was strong and told her to start by helping herself and when she can prove she doing something about it I will support her. She snaps back at me she only wanted a drink today because me and dad don't love her, I calmly tell her we are at this point because of the drink and we do love you we just hate the lies and the person the drink makes you.
She goes off the phone crying.
A few hours later she calls back and says she has promised a special trip for my son can she take him, I tell her no, she isn't allowed to look after my children unsupervised why would I make an exception and especially on a day she gas proved she can't be trusted.
Meanwhile it seems she had called her sister for support, she was drunk and thought it wise to post all the woe on face book!!! My brother calls dad to find out what's happening and it all kicks off! Mum finds out brother knows and kicks off that dad has told him, she is horrified to hear her sister did the telling.
You couldn't write a soap like this could you??
Anyway in short diet going well, face hurts still and my family are driving me nuts!!
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Is it just me!
I seem to be living directly under gods toilet today.. someone keeps dropping shit on me from high!
Another company I have looks like its going to go. got a phone call this morning for an urgent meeting with one of the directors, I wish he had told me sooner but I think he has left it too late to rescue. Next few days I need to get head down and try and sort. I need to secure a retail contract or something pretty damn quick anyway.
I get back and best mate is already at the house she puts kettle on and blurts she has cervical cancer.. that was probably the lowest point of the day but I cheered her up and think i have her positive and focused now.
Mum and Dad had a huge fight, he went to doctors this morning and has been told to give up work or die. So he goes home tell mum he has to get rid of the stress in his life so she goes off it, he doesnt get to finish the sentence. She thinks its about her, its quite funny really because she made it about her. Dad comes to my house in pieces. I try to pick the pieces up and pull him back together.
In the meantime we both get an email from our biggest client to say contract is cancelled and he cant pay us. oh the joy!
then the joy continues
Dad gets back home to find mum on the floor anfter having a bad fall... think she was drunk but I wasnt there to be sure, but lets face it im not going to be wrong am I?
So I have a little bit of a tension headache tonight... I could do with a hug and a back rub... and perhaps a new life!
Another company I have looks like its going to go. got a phone call this morning for an urgent meeting with one of the directors, I wish he had told me sooner but I think he has left it too late to rescue. Next few days I need to get head down and try and sort. I need to secure a retail contract or something pretty damn quick anyway.
I get back and best mate is already at the house she puts kettle on and blurts she has cervical cancer.. that was probably the lowest point of the day but I cheered her up and think i have her positive and focused now.
Mum and Dad had a huge fight, he went to doctors this morning and has been told to give up work or die. So he goes home tell mum he has to get rid of the stress in his life so she goes off it, he doesnt get to finish the sentence. She thinks its about her, its quite funny really because she made it about her. Dad comes to my house in pieces. I try to pick the pieces up and pull him back together.
In the meantime we both get an email from our biggest client to say contract is cancelled and he cant pay us. oh the joy!
then the joy continues
Dad gets back home to find mum on the floor anfter having a bad fall... think she was drunk but I wasnt there to be sure, but lets face it im not going to be wrong am I?
So I have a little bit of a tension headache tonight... I could do with a hug and a back rub... and perhaps a new life!
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
In agony
I had a bit of a fall..,
Leg is sore and won't be attempting any ontop stuff for a long while!
Hurt shoulder as well. I was sober!
It was Friday I came in from a meeting at 1 and then we had some frozen rain happened, I dashed out to go for kids at 3 and the front step was black ice ( yes ouch).
I landed badly and knee cap and leg dislocated. PA heard me scream came out and shouted for my husband.
I'm lay there in agony, trying to get up....
Get this.., hubby goes to garage and gets salt walks back into house, goes to kitchen to get shoes on, I'm crying out in pain, he stops and to my pa's disbelief he cleans the kitchen benches down then heads out to help me!!!!!
I manage to get up and hop in the house, PA says 'what about the kids',
hubby says.., "shall I help you to the car"
I say "I don't think I can drive" leg has gone black n blue, I'm bleeding and can't walk.
Hubby says "how do you know if you don't try"
PA looks like her head will pop and offers to go collect the kids, I thank her kindly and suggest that the husband might like to help!!!!
Leg is sore and won't be attempting any ontop stuff for a long while!
Hurt shoulder as well. I was sober!
It was Friday I came in from a meeting at 1 and then we had some frozen rain happened, I dashed out to go for kids at 3 and the front step was black ice ( yes ouch).
I landed badly and knee cap and leg dislocated. PA heard me scream came out and shouted for my husband.
I'm lay there in agony, trying to get up....
Get this.., hubby goes to garage and gets salt walks back into house, goes to kitchen to get shoes on, I'm crying out in pain, he stops and to my pa's disbelief he cleans the kitchen benches down then heads out to help me!!!!!
I manage to get up and hop in the house, PA says 'what about the kids',
hubby says.., "shall I help you to the car"
I say "I don't think I can drive" leg has gone black n blue, I'm bleeding and can't walk.
Hubby says "how do you know if you don't try"
PA looks like her head will pop and offers to go collect the kids, I thank her kindly and suggest that the husband might like to help!!!!
Monday, 24 January 2011
marriage counselling #2
this morning was number 2, I wasn't ready for it.
Its been a long weekend, loads of relative stay, I had 20 for tea on Saturday so in between 5 hours of dance classes and being taxis I cooked up a feast and prepared treats for the kids.
The husband was an arse and thats me being calm. He did his usual of confusing me with hired help in front of guests!
Anyway got to counselling and she ask so what were your thoughts and discussion after last week session. the husband babbles for a good 5 minutes about how positive he
feels and that it really help him.
She turns to me... I'm like a rabbit in head lights. I have know idea how I feel.. I'm numb. I blurt we haven't spoken about it, its been like an elephant in the room. Ive brought it up twice and both times it was ignored or 'not heard' as later pointed out by the ass sitting next to me.
The session then 'felt' like it focused on me not willing to have sex and despite my attempts to point out I'm not having sex because for years he refused and ridiculed me its all about me not being willing to move forward. Now I'm not so blinkered that I don't see that I do hold the key to this part, but it felt like nobody thought I had a good reason not to turn it.
I tell them I cant just turn it back on. I ask hubby for nearly 4 years I battled to have sex and begged and pleaded and you said you couldn't for many reasons.. I have only one reason and that's because after years of let down and disappointment I switch that expectation off in our relationship, Can you understand any of that? he shrugs and says he is ready now, I turn away and say I'm not, its gone.
Next session is in 2 weeks as I'm in hospital next week for that bloody wisdom tooth being taken out!
Its been a long weekend, loads of relative stay, I had 20 for tea on Saturday so in between 5 hours of dance classes and being taxis I cooked up a feast and prepared treats for the kids.
The husband was an arse and thats me being calm. He did his usual of confusing me with hired help in front of guests!
Anyway got to counselling and she ask so what were your thoughts and discussion after last week session. the husband babbles for a good 5 minutes about how positive he
feels and that it really help him.
She turns to me... I'm like a rabbit in head lights. I have know idea how I feel.. I'm numb. I blurt we haven't spoken about it, its been like an elephant in the room. Ive brought it up twice and both times it was ignored or 'not heard' as later pointed out by the ass sitting next to me.
The session then 'felt' like it focused on me not willing to have sex and despite my attempts to point out I'm not having sex because for years he refused and ridiculed me its all about me not being willing to move forward. Now I'm not so blinkered that I don't see that I do hold the key to this part, but it felt like nobody thought I had a good reason not to turn it.
I tell them I cant just turn it back on. I ask hubby for nearly 4 years I battled to have sex and begged and pleaded and you said you couldn't for many reasons.. I have only one reason and that's because after years of let down and disappointment I switch that expectation off in our relationship, Can you understand any of that? he shrugs and says he is ready now, I turn away and say I'm not, its gone.
Next session is in 2 weeks as I'm in hospital next week for that bloody wisdom tooth being taken out!
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Marriage Counselling sesson #1
it was so much harder that I thought it would be.
When we got there we had to fill in a questionnaire each so she could understand what we both wanted from the sessions. I ticked many boxes:
to resolve issues
to retain the relationship
to improve communication
to keep family together
now for those of you without the ability to read upside down and round corners, aka men, I looked at what the Hubby wrote... he ticked:
to have more sex
I nearly choked!
Holding the laugh inside we started to talk, she ask the husband first 'so whats the problem?' he begins to explain we haven't had sex for nearly 2 years and that it was becoming an unbearable frustration, that he longed to have me but I recoil at his touch. He continues talking and I'm waiting for him to explain that for the 4 year previous that he refused to have sex with me, turned me down so often, I had to beg for it and when I got it it was nothing more that a posh wank for him and no effort to please me... I wait... I wait... nothing
She turns to me and asks how I feel about what the husbands just explained.
I clear throat and breathe deep... trying to swallow the words that are currently queued up in my mouth as I know it wont be constructive.
I take her back another 4 years and explain the years of changing excuses, I'm too tired, too stress, don't like condoms...
I explain what I did to try and entice him, I hate that the tears built up in my eyes, I think it was more anger, verbalising all my effort and let downs was so hard.
I explain that about 2 years ago I told him I would never ask for sex or intimacy ever again and that is why we haven't had sex and that Hubby wanting it now was too little too late.
The counsellor crossed out the earlier notes clearly thinking it had been a simple lack of sex drive post babies for me.
She asks hubby did he understand that not having sex for so long and the let downs may of drove me as a protection to myself to not want or expect sex from the relationship.... he replies......... "I don't blame her totally for this"
If you had seen the counsellors body language, it was priceless, she shot back at him, why do you feel she is at all to blame?
"I've been trying, just this last week Ive tried to kiss her and offered to wash her back, she said she would rather have her boots cleaned"
she look puzzled and I chirp up pointing at my knee high riding boots "don't they look good though and this will last all week where as the back rub would of been over in seconds" she starts laughing uncontrollably at my ironic sense of humour.
I turned to hubby and say " this last week you have made more effort, the closer we have got to the appointment the more you have tried to touch me but you have to understand how that makes me feel, it was like you were point scoring for this meeting, so you have some 'well I tried' moments, it wasnt because you wanted to or it felt right so it came accross as contrived and wrong"
She went on to ask how I feel about having sex with the hubby. I explained that the thought almost makes me feel ill, Ive spent years not expecting sex from the relationship to avoid the hurt and cant just swap back.
She asks him why he never wanted to have sex and started with the excuses, I chirp up and explain what i did to answer each excuse, the relaxing weekend away, that I even got the coil fitted so he didn't have to wear a condom. She asks him is there any reasons. He snaps I haven't had sex with anyone else if that's what you think... it wasn't but it is now is what went in my head.
So we are back again next week to talk about the positives of our relationship... that should be a short session.
When we got there we had to fill in a questionnaire each so she could understand what we both wanted from the sessions. I ticked many boxes:
to resolve issues
to retain the relationship
to improve communication
to keep family together
now for those of you without the ability to read upside down and round corners, aka men, I looked at what the Hubby wrote... he ticked:
to have more sex
I nearly choked!
Holding the laugh inside we started to talk, she ask the husband first 'so whats the problem?' he begins to explain we haven't had sex for nearly 2 years and that it was becoming an unbearable frustration, that he longed to have me but I recoil at his touch. He continues talking and I'm waiting for him to explain that for the 4 year previous that he refused to have sex with me, turned me down so often, I had to beg for it and when I got it it was nothing more that a posh wank for him and no effort to please me... I wait... I wait... nothing
She turns to me and asks how I feel about what the husbands just explained.
I clear throat and breathe deep... trying to swallow the words that are currently queued up in my mouth as I know it wont be constructive.
I take her back another 4 years and explain the years of changing excuses, I'm too tired, too stress, don't like condoms...
I explain what I did to try and entice him, I hate that the tears built up in my eyes, I think it was more anger, verbalising all my effort and let downs was so hard.
I explain that about 2 years ago I told him I would never ask for sex or intimacy ever again and that is why we haven't had sex and that Hubby wanting it now was too little too late.
The counsellor crossed out the earlier notes clearly thinking it had been a simple lack of sex drive post babies for me.
She asks hubby did he understand that not having sex for so long and the let downs may of drove me as a protection to myself to not want or expect sex from the relationship.... he replies......... "I don't blame her totally for this"
If you had seen the counsellors body language, it was priceless, she shot back at him, why do you feel she is at all to blame?
"I've been trying, just this last week Ive tried to kiss her and offered to wash her back, she said she would rather have her boots cleaned"
she look puzzled and I chirp up pointing at my knee high riding boots "don't they look good though and this will last all week where as the back rub would of been over in seconds" she starts laughing uncontrollably at my ironic sense of humour.
I turned to hubby and say " this last week you have made more effort, the closer we have got to the appointment the more you have tried to touch me but you have to understand how that makes me feel, it was like you were point scoring for this meeting, so you have some 'well I tried' moments, it wasnt because you wanted to or it felt right so it came accross as contrived and wrong"
She went on to ask how I feel about having sex with the hubby. I explained that the thought almost makes me feel ill, Ive spent years not expecting sex from the relationship to avoid the hurt and cant just swap back.
She asks him why he never wanted to have sex and started with the excuses, I chirp up and explain what i did to answer each excuse, the relaxing weekend away, that I even got the coil fitted so he didn't have to wear a condom. She asks him is there any reasons. He snaps I haven't had sex with anyone else if that's what you think... it wasn't but it is now is what went in my head.
So we are back again next week to talk about the positives of our relationship... that should be a short session.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
In agony
I had a bit of a fall..,
Leg is sore and won't be attempting any ontop stuff for a long while!
Hurt shoulder as well. I was sober!
It was Friday I came in from a meeting at 1 and then we had some frozen rain happened, I dashed out to go for kids at 3 and the front step was black ice ( yes ouch).
I landed badly and knee cap and leg dislocated. PA heard me scream came out and shouted for my husband.
I'm lay there in agony, trying to get up....
Get this.., hubby goes to garage and gets salt walks back into house, goes to kitchen to get shoes on, I'm crying out in pain, he stops and to my pa's disbelief he cleans the kitchen benches down then heads out to help me!!!!!
I manage to get up and hop in the house, PA says 'what about the kids',
hubby says.., "shall I help you to the car"
I say "I don't think I can drive" leg has gone black n blue, I'm bleeding and can't walk.
Hubby says "how do you know if you don't try"
PA looks like her head will pop and offers to go collect the kids, I thank her kindly and suggest that the husband might like to help!!!!
Leg is sore and won't be attempting any ontop stuff for a long while!
Hurt shoulder as well. I was sober!
It was Friday I came in from a meeting at 1 and then we had some frozen rain happened, I dashed out to go for kids at 3 and the front step was black ice ( yes ouch).
I landed badly and knee cap and leg dislocated. PA heard me scream came out and shouted for my husband.
I'm lay there in agony, trying to get up....
Get this.., hubby goes to garage and gets salt walks back into house, goes to kitchen to get shoes on, I'm crying out in pain, he stops and to my pa's disbelief he cleans the kitchen benches down then heads out to help me!!!!!
I manage to get up and hop in the house, PA says 'what about the kids',
hubby says.., "shall I help you to the car"
I say "I don't think I can drive" leg has gone black n blue, I'm bleeding and can't walk.
Hubby says "how do you know if you don't try"
PA looks like her head will pop and offers to go collect the kids, I thank her kindly and suggest that the husband might like to help!!!!
Sunday, 9 January 2011
It made me cry
I read this poem and when I'd finished tears were running down my face.
It made me ache for HIM more than I want to admit.
Yearn On by Katie Donovan
I want you to feel
the unbearable lack of me.
I want your skin
to yearn for the soft lure of mine;
I want those hints of red
on your canvas
to deepen in passion for me:
carmine, burgundy.
I want you to keep
stubbing your toe
on the memory of me;
I want your head to be dizzy
and your stomach in a spin;
I want you to hear my voice
in your ear, to touch your face
imagining it is my hand.
I want your body to shiver and quiver
at the mere idea of mine.
I want you to feel as though
life after me is dull, and pointless,
and very, very aggravating;
that with me you were lifted
on a current you waited all your life to find,
as though you were wading
through a soggy swill of inanity and ugliness
every minute we are apart.
I want you to drive yourself crazy
with the fantasy of me,
and how we will meet again, against all odds,
and there will be tears and flowers,
and the vast relief of not I,
but us.
I am haunting your dreams,
conducting these fevers
from a distance,
a distance that leaves me weeping,
and storming,
and bereft.
It made me ache for HIM more than I want to admit.
Yearn On by Katie Donovan
I want you to feel
the unbearable lack of me.
I want your skin
to yearn for the soft lure of mine;
I want those hints of red
on your canvas
to deepen in passion for me:
carmine, burgundy.
I want you to keep
stubbing your toe
on the memory of me;
I want your head to be dizzy
and your stomach in a spin;
I want you to hear my voice
in your ear, to touch your face
imagining it is my hand.
I want your body to shiver and quiver
at the mere idea of mine.
I want you to feel as though
life after me is dull, and pointless,
and very, very aggravating;
that with me you were lifted
on a current you waited all your life to find,
as though you were wading
through a soggy swill of inanity and ugliness
every minute we are apart.
I want you to drive yourself crazy
with the fantasy of me,
and how we will meet again, against all odds,
and there will be tears and flowers,
and the vast relief of not I,
but us.
I am haunting your dreams,
conducting these fevers
from a distance,
a distance that leaves me weeping,
and storming,
and bereft.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
New Years Resolutions
1. Resolve marriage - 2 weeks until marriage counselling starts. The kids are away next weekend Im planning on starting the 'chat' about it with hubby. Ask him what he wants to achieve from it. I have a feeling its going to be a roller coaster ride.
2. Lose weight - an ever ongoing battle but its alway good to start the year with some focus on yourself and your health so Im going to see if I can drop a few pounds before easter. The stress from 1. should help!
3. Get back dancing - I love my dancing but have sacrificed the time for work and the cildren. I want to give myself an hour a week to dance again.
4. get tooth out! got such bad tooth ache since they tried to pull out wisdom tooth and failed. Im in hospital for an operation on the 10th to remove it (chissel it off the jaw to quote the dentist!)
5. Find someone worthy of my affection and trust.
What do you guys plan to achieve in 2011
2. Lose weight - an ever ongoing battle but its alway good to start the year with some focus on yourself and your health so Im going to see if I can drop a few pounds before easter. The stress from 1. should help!
3. Get back dancing - I love my dancing but have sacrificed the time for work and the cildren. I want to give myself an hour a week to dance again.
4. get tooth out! got such bad tooth ache since they tried to pull out wisdom tooth and failed. Im in hospital for an operation on the 10th to remove it (chissel it off the jaw to quote the dentist!)
5. Find someone worthy of my affection and trust.
What do you guys plan to achieve in 2011
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