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Sunday, 31 January 2010

wish he could see it works both ways

I have an amazing lover, he ticks so many boxes.. Affectionate, tactile, intelligent, attractive and damn filthy!

At times he thinks he can't be enough for me, its because we met on a swingers site but to be honest neither of us are swingers, we were both just looking to fill a hole in our lives sexually and we both have tastes off the beaten track. The upside is the honesty we entered the relationship with. We both know what each other like and want.the downside is that my profile and verifications were explicite and showed my insatiable appetite. I had a female friend I also had a profile with and a male friend, we used to go to swing clubs and hosted parties. But... Contrary to that I was a fusy fucker... I liked to watch, I only fucked with my swing partner, only ever did soft swing in groups.

So he worries he falls short... But he never has, if anything I want less now I have him as he gives me so much.

He doesn't see that I worry I might not be enough for him, that he might play away but I trust him. He doesn't trust me. He is jealous, he keeps letting it eat away at him, worrying that I will get bored and fuck someone. It nearly ended us 2 weeks ago, he rejoined the swing site in Dec to see if I was on there. I wish he had just asked me. I wish he had just seen I'd meant it when I promised I wouldn't. I founf out that he has been searching for me online since Xmas. Whereas I'd been treading on eggshells and frightened to go out incase he thought I was with someone. Everything feels fragile again. I worried this was the last time I'd see him.

I need him to understand how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If I'd gone online searching for men that sounded like him and talked to them trying to get them to give away detail and send pics!

Saturday, 30 January 2010

21years.... and counting

I told the husband it was over in September, but i also told him in January, the previous Dec, the spring before many times... but im a fool and I'm frightened.

It's hard, my friends say just leave but how can I, children and home are more important than me, I cant break up the family just because I'm not happy??? he must still be happy to be clinging on to me despite that I tell him how sad I am, how miserable he makes me. I feel guilty for wanting more. I dont feel he knows me but.... the kids mean everything to me...more than me being me.

Dont get me wrong I love him, Ive been with him more than half my life, it will be so hard to be without him, he has been there as I grew up and i always thought i would grow old with him but now I need to leave him, now I only see him as a friend and not one Id sopend the night with.

3 years of begging for sex and attention has taken its toll. 10 Years of him hating what I do for work has worn me thin. I feel unattractive, invisible and beyond parenting and domestic skills surplus to requirement.