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Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Since Mum died

I've neglected this blog but for good reason. For a while after Mum dying I was struggling to come to terms with my emotions around it all. The mixture of guilt, anger and grief was overwhelming and I needed to work it out.

Dad didn't shed a tear until the funeral day and Im pleased he finally did, his glazed exterior and pretending he didn't care only hurt but I could see he was just coping in his own way.

Funeral day was awful but the moment it was over I felt a sense of relief, I suppose in one respect I was just relieved it all went well and day managed a fitting tribute to the woman I want to remember, not the drunk that died. My brother told me to stop crying and making a seen but I ignored and embraced the outpouring of what had been eating me up for years.

The guilt I felt was the hardest to deal with as it was the fact it was over, no more having to check if she was alive, deal with the police, the abusive message and the other emails I was getting were wearing on me.

Her last message was "i will always love you all even though you don't want me" it breaks my heart even to read that today I love her dearly and if I hadn't I would of walked away years ago and done without the pain.

The anger was why the hell did she not just stop, something every person who deals with an addict must feel. up til she died she was pretending to go to AA, the dishonesty was even fooling herself.

The grief is still raw, whilst the tears are less now externally at times they choke me inside. After 2 weeks I was sat in the living room and a picture of Mum rotated on the digital picture frame tears ran down my face as I recollected the happy day. The Husband suggested I should see a doctor as I was clearly deeply depress and not coping which set me worrying that perhaps I don't see it? I messaged YSL and checked on my mental status and received reassurance that I'm ok and just grieving normally.

Throughout all of this YSL has been amazing, the husband has had his moments but perhaps his lack of experience in losing a parent has him at a disadvantage and unable to quantify the loss felt.

The kids have been such a source of joy the past few months and given me something to focus on outside of work. I think Christmas will be the hardest hurdle left as she will be missed by the children and me.

Will try and update again more often i promise! xxx