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Monday, 23 May 2011

Yesterday I tried to have sex with hubby

Yesterday I was woken by hubby's hand between my thighs, im shocked but I really dont want to hurt him, things have at least become understandable between us, so I pretend I'm still asleep and turn away from him, he starts to rub my back so I get up to go pee and then hide in bathroom until he goes to make coffee.

He knows 4 years of rejection and excuses have brought us to here but I think todays last marriage counselling has him desperate to get a positive outcome.

Nothing was said all day, it was a busy day with a BBQ and a party.

Back at home drunk, I was dancing, been at party all day, he steps up and take hold of me, I try to stay with the moment, I want to try and get past this. Maybe if I can just let go of this hurt and fear of rejection we can move on.

As he touches me I burst into tears, the tears turn into uncontrollable sobs.

I lie on the sofa crying, he says sorry and goes to bed leaving me to cry.

In 30 minutes we go to our last session, we haven't spoken since last night. I feel sick (partially the hangover) I don't want to deal with this. I want to hide.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Been a while

Lifes been a bit too much to even take a moment to recount, I just needed to keep moving forward but kind of feel this week things are a little more balanced and getting back on track.

The quick updates are:

Mother still a nutter
Dad still heart broken
Brother still being a twat
Hubby ignoring me yet being very posesive (i know thats contradictory but its like when a kid doesnt play with a toy but no one else can either)

Kids are just perfect and keeping me smiling

When things are tough you get to know who your friends are and I must say the Therapist, Mykeyman and Big G have been great and full of hugs when ive needed them. Work has been pretty tough and having to have kids straight from school as they havent been able to go to Mums has been a real hard thing to deal with, its cut my working time almost in half.

Ive met a man that so far has me smiling, I dont want to wish for too much as I dont think I could cope with the heart ache, but he certainly seems to care.

Mum goes away on Sunday fr 2 weeks so that should take the pressure off everyone and teach my brother a lesson as she going to stay with him for a few weeks. Sods law is though she will behave impecably!

MOnday is the last of my Marriage Counselling sessions, im not sure how that will go as im assuming she will ask what we have gained/achieved... it hasnt all been a waste of time as I do think he did take on board some of my feelings and why I now dont want him sexually, after all the years of turning me down. He also took onboard to stop making inappropriate drunken advances or sober for that matter, I feel more comfortable about that as it got to the point I was clinging onto the edge of the bed praying he wouldnt touch me.

I dont think we have moved forward but I think we are more comfortable with where we are. I think perhaps all the trouble with my family has helped bring us a little closer as he had his moments where he has been supportive, he didnt complain once when Dad moved in and has taken time to go speak to Mum.

I cant see me wanting to get the relationship sexual again, I think Ive moved past that point, too much hurt and too much coping to change how I feel, plus as the therapist said even if we did start having sex ive moved on in so many ways with preferences and limits, become acustomed to a partner giving in the bed room, his 2 minutes isnt going to cut the mustard any more.

I will let you know how we get on xx