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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Birthday predictions for tomorrow, pessimist or realist?

Kids will of made me something wonderful

Hubby wont of got me anything

Mother will call up begging for forgiveness

Kids will cuddle me loads and complain that Daddy didn't get me anything

I will end up making tea, doing housework and homework

Dad will text me to say Happy Birthday because he is frightened to call if Mum is around

I had planned to go away with my best friend to celebrate at the weekend but it turns out that hubby has cancelled it on my behalf as his sister is coming up with her family, so looks like no fun for me :( (so annoyed about this my head might explode)

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Life update

Still no change with mum, she refuses to accept any responsibility and I'm not budging an inch on it.

Lifes hectic, the new company is steaming ahead also had 2 job offers, one of which would have me all over the world. I'm tempted but not sure if it's right for the children.

Last week the daughter didnt get chosen at an audition, she was heart broken. I hated seeing her so defeated as she danced so well but there were hundreds there and they were only looking for a handful.

Thankfully at school the very next day she won a talent show, voted by her teachers and fellow pupils, she even made her teacher cry when he saw her perform swan lake.

This weekend they are in a show, I'm so excited for them. I will let you know how they get on. I help produce the show so mad busy sewing, making, planning and panicking. Dress rehearsals went to plan though so fingers crossed for Sunday.

And hope Mums threat not to go see the show is an empty threat as the kids will be devastated.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

From the mouths of babes....

daughter looks at me over the breakfast table, Im putting on my make up, drawing eyes on.

She askes "why do you wear make-up Mummy?"

"so I look pretty for work and a little younger" I say

"but you are so beautiful, you dont need any thing more, you look perfect" she says frowning trying to understand grown ups.

"Aww thank you princess that is such a kind thing to say" It made me smile so much, such kind innocent words.

She smiles back and starts to giggle "Your hair is a mess though, I suggest you prioritise!"

Harsh but fair!

Monday, 8 November 2010

Do I put it in a letter or just talk?

I need to clear the air at least with Mum and before i can do that I need to go through some stuff with her.

Im not sure what to do, I think what ever we discuss she will bend it in her mind and distort it all and as ever it will be about me being the bad person.

So do I do a letter that is there for her to read the facts?? the last time I did she refused to read it but this time if she does refuse she is refusing the olive branch to rebuild a relationship with me, ive made it clear unless we discuss the impacts of what she is doing/done we will not be speaking.

here are some of my thoughts I need to discuss so far:

You told me I should never of got involved with what happened the other week that it was purely between you and Dad and you accused me if pulling the family apart.

Did you know you rang me at work that day, swearing and being aggressive?

I told you I was in a meeting and you continued to swear at me and call dad names.

You threatened to go to school to get the kids despite me asking you not too.

Were you aware the children witnessed your behaviour, when you jabbed me and slammed the door in my face repeatedly, telling me to piss off and that I was never welcome in your house ever again?

Did you know my son was in Dads care when you threatened to stab him?

Just the previous week you threw me out the house and were aggressive to me. Your parting words piss off and go text your brother.

You accused me if pulling the family apart and I believe my brother currently thinks I'm not speaking to him. I can't talk to my brother about what is going on as you have made it impossible to do so.

He took you into his confidence and asked you not to tell me, despite that you threw it in my face that I spoke to my brother behind your back about being concerned about you. You have now made that conversation impossible, I will not put myself in that position again that he can breach my trust or you can repeatedly throw it in my face. You need to take responsibility for damaging our relationship.

You have on many occasions rang me swearing and calling dad , one day I was on my way to a meeting and you called me to tell me dad had thrown you down the stairs.I had been there and you had fallen down the stairs drunk and dad tried to stop you. You constantly when drunk tell me Dad is beating you up but refuse to discuss when sober with me. If this is true it needs to be dealt with but the facts I see is that you are deflecting your actions and blaming others.

When you tried to commit suicide I wrote you a letter explaining events so you could understand your actions and you refused to read it and told me I had no right to make you and that I had to forget what happened as it was only your pain to bare. Have you ever considered for a moment what it is like for me and my brother to deal with that? do you realise how much that hurt me that you didn't even want to acknowledge what you did or said to me that day?

On so many occasions you have swore to me you were not drunk, made me feel guilty, the next week my brother told me you had confessed you were drunk. I had felt so guilty for days for thinking you had drank. You have used illness to deflect your drunken state so many times on one occasion you told me you thought the cancer was back, do you know how much that hurts to know someone would be so cruel and deceitful?

You have done this on many occasions to me, been drunk when caring for my children. Can you understand why I don't believe you anymore? I would love to be proved wrong.

Can you understand why you can't look after the children or see them unattended?

You of all people should know how much it hurts when your mum says something so unkind, you told me to fuck of and die, no one should here that let alone on 2 separate occasions.

The more you behave in this way the further you push me away. I know you currently think I'm doing this to hurt you but I'm not, I'm doing this to protect my children and so you don't hurt me anymore.

How would you tackle it? I want her to know what she is doing so it can help her stop it.