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Sunday, 24 July 2011

I'm not a nice person (apparently)

I pluck up the courage to address the condoms again, I'm really calm and explain how the dates don't add up and that we should discuss these things, if he is having sex we need to work out how that fits into our relationship. I just want to know what I'm dealing with, I have no judgement to cast upon him, o have no right to that.

He says he isn't and I'm honest saying I still have my doubts. He decides best defence is attack.

All of a sudden a barrage of faults are thrown at me. One stands out and hurts the most. He tells me I ridicule him in front of people, I ask how/when. He says I did it just today when I told our friend how he had spoken in a funny accent in France on holiday. I'm thrown as this was just humour, my sense of humour, I always share stories of things we have done that are worthy of a giggle, more often I'm the butt of my own jokes. He says he can't talk to me about everything for fear if being made a laughing stock???

I apologise and say it was never meant to hurtful just sharing a funny moment, I politely point out that he has done this too me on many occasion, shared that little too much info but I've seen the value in the laugh.

He moves on to say his friends think the same, that I have been demeaning to them. I'm shocked and as when, apparently his friend had asked my opinion some 4 years ago if a new hair cut would make him look younger... My reply "somewhere between bob and no on the hope scale" it was just a funny retort!

Also his family!!! Apparently his mother has never rested well since I said hubby was never happier than with a cloth and sone bleach... Does no body get sarcasm??

So I'm starting to worry maybe i am some horrible person, some narsisitic streak I can't see.

Then he tells me he can't understand why my best friend even puts up with me I'm so mean and horrid to her. I'm crying now. He says he has even heard her say she does know why she puts up with the crap from me. Oh my god I never realised. I feel so winded, I never thought my sense of humour was hurtful, hurting the people around me.

He asks "was I bullied as a child" he knows the answer to this and it hurts that he even has brought this up and I can't reply as it sounds like I agree with him and I don't believe that just because I was bullied does'nt make me a bully. I'm do choked with tears but I don't want him to see how much he is hurting me.

I lie awake most of the tears pouring silently from me.

I leave for work early and first thing I do is ring best friend. I need to put things right. I explain what's happened and why I'm calling, she is silent on the phone, then she shrieks and starts laughing... "Seriously" she says, "you are the funniest, nicest, caring person. Sarcastic at times but more about your own flaws than anyone else" she assures me. "as for the I don't know why I put up with you comment that was because you asked me to do some work and I was being sarcastic! FFs!!"

Tears if relief ran down my face as I sat in the car, I can't believe I doubted myself so much.

When I went back home at lunch time he went at it again, telling my how selfish and spiteful I am. I just sit quiet and take it, quietly taking another step back from our relationship. He tells me he just wants to fix things and get back to having sex, I say there is no magic solution to this, he says I need to stop trying to hurt him. I ask him to explain, he says that just because he wouldn't have sex for me for years I'm just trying to get back at him.

I'm shocked I thought he understood this. This is feeling like one way traffic and its all my fault I ask him calmly a question. "All those years you didn't want to have sex with me, the changing excuses, the new reasons why you couldn't, did you do any of that to hurt me? "

"no" he says

"why can't you accept that maybe I'm just where you were then?"

He shrugs his shoulders unable to answer.

It's taken a few days to get my head back straight but now I resent what he did. I asked for an open discussion and reassurance which was perfectly reasonable and what I got was uncalled for and very hurtful.

It makes me see little point in raising any of my concerns in our marriage because the hurt isnt worth it. I hate that i feel this way as i struggle to make my feelings known anyway for fear of upsetting others.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

life at the moment

Quick update....


Still not speaking, as ever she bent things in her head and thinks its all me. I called her last week to clarify exactly where things stood. She says "i dont understand as im beng nice to you and want to be your friend". I keep it calm and straight to the point and explain that this couldnt be the case as the last contact I had from her she was abusive and cruel. I said either you were drunk and that is inexcusable or you were rude and abusive which is inexcusable. We havent spoken since.

Ive been to seen a cousellor for families with addiction problems, more to keep Dad happy as Im confident Im doing the right thing and thankfully they agreed with me. Tough love is the only way to go. Being kind is only going to kill her.


He seems to of got some confidence back, he is looking for his own place now and I hope he goes for it, only thing that is holding him back is my mother and brother. Brother is back believing everything my Mother says so dad is left as the villian. I have a horrible feeling from reading between the lines he is about to engage solicitors on behalf of my Mother instead of letting them just sort things between themselves. Its going to cause alot of pain especially for her as it will force Dads hand for a divorce.


Things are tough at the moment, but hopefully in the next month or so all the hard work will pay off.


Last 2 counselling session have been alone. It makes such a statement going to work on a partnership alone. Last week I was looking for deodrant and discovered lube in Hubbys wardrobe when I got back from trip away, it had moved the next day and so had the deodrant. He was packing to go away so I opened the case to grab some deo and found condoms instead.

and before you gasp and say hipocrit im not after his blood for it I just thought it would give i a spring board to talk. I asked him why he had them, he says they were from when we had sex last. I say they cant be as the last time I borrowed this case you said the same and that was a half used pack plus the exp date is 2014 and ive had the coil in since 2008, so unless NASA are making his condoms they were bought 2010 earliest but more likely this year. He has since defend his corner with the 'posh wank' argument which I stated that a pos wank is an urban mith for people found with condoms.

I plan to talk more with him, ive had a chance to think things through and I want this to give us a chance to move forward.

I told the marriage counsellor about it all this week. Her parting words were... i think its time you started looking after yourself.

Ending on a positive note....

My children are great, they give me so many reasons to smile. (and ive fallen for my lover)