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Monday, 26 April 2010

Closure or re-opening the wound??

Been a long weekend but I'm rewarded with 2 nights of being husband and child free!

Such a big decision to make. The lover announced last week that his job has changed and wont be coming up again, so that's it we are done, heart broke and after a week I'm mentally back together again at least on the surface(just), I don't want to cry anymore I'm just numb and aching inside.

He is coming up the country this week half way and wants to meet, see each other for the last time.

What do I do? I know it will hurt saying good bye for what might be forever, it already has been a painful experience, losing a lover and friend is never good and even if we do get to see each other again it would be a once a year thing so regardless this is the end of our relationship.

It already hurts, I want to see him but I don't want to spend the night hurting again.

Am I being selfish not going? Will I regret not seeing him?

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Heart is heavy

Looks like it is over with the lover.

Since having the out pouring last week and getting things sorted he has been great and actually making an effort then awful news hit last night. His job is changing, it looks like his new role means he wont be travelling, it mean we won't see each other again.

I don't know how to feel but at the moment I'm aching more than I knew I could but I have to keep it hidden under a false smile.


OK time to get on the soap box as a parent!

My daughter ask me for help with her homework on Monday night, she didn't know where to start with the research, she is only 9 and been set the task of doing comparisons of 3 explorers and didn't know anything about them. I told her to go start the other homework and would get her some information on them. I started to read over the task in hand and was shocked at how hard it was.

She need to to do a lifestyle comparison of an Arctic Inuit and a tribe person of Africa.

Then do a time plan and map diagram of where the explorers have been

write about key highlights of their explorations

The do a list of what they need to take with them and why

Then do a poster on the differences between north and south pole

The do a letter home as if you were an explorer in the early 1900's

She is 9! It has taken us 7 hours joint work to do it all. How is a child to do this alone? how are parents to be able to do this while caring for other children, work and run a home??? For those less fortunate it could not be done in the time given for the task. We had to cram the work in 2 nights as dance classes take over the rest of the week and to be honest if it needed anymore time on it I could not do it and would of rather sent a strongly worded letter to the school.

I agree to stretch the children and encourage learning at home but this is beyond a joke and has for the last 2 days prevented her from playing and enjoying what I see as a far more important skill of social development.

Getting of soap box now!

Monday, 19 April 2010

such sad news

For those that read my other blog you may of noted in the midst of being naughty I was distracted by a message. It was from an old friend and lover. He moved abroad last year but we still keep in touch.

He is a special guy I've know him for years, he has given his best years to queen and country, was badly injured but battled to get back from what many would of given up on. Just as he got his life back together and had a child he was then diagnosed with Parkinson's. The pressure blew apart his marriage but as ever he didn't give in, he never has. Today I hear he has cancer skin and multi organ tumors, just got over surgery to remove one from behind his eye and now awaiting reconstruction surgery. Trapped abroad, alone, no family with him. He has 6-12months left :-(

As ever he is so up beat and not wanting to worry anyone. I just want to reach out and hold him. I know under the hard man act he will be aching so much. He so does not deserve this, really looking to the skies and asking why him tonight.

He is hoping to be well enough to travel in June if so we've agreed to meet up, I'm buying the pizzas and beer apparently and Dr's orders is that i wear a low cut top and stockings!

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

the redefining of the relationship

where to start?

been a hard week, tried not to glance back at all or contemplate much but its never a great plan. Since last weeks big question the husband has hardly spoken to me. I want to finish the conversation but he clearly doesn't want to hear it. I have hundreds of half written sentences in my head, conversations I've had in my mind and so many possible outcomes. I was all set up to talk on Sunday but when he came back in from the game he was drunk, and not good drunk, he was being an ass. Aggressive and rude, talking to me like I'm an idiot, getting the kids hyper and excited just before bed time. Thankfully he fell asleep at 8pm and I got the kids to bed and some peace and quiet.

Its been difficult with HIM (the lover) also this last week or so. For all he See's me, the real me, at times he doesn't see how he can effect my life. Last week he told me the day before, 12 hours before his planed landed that he was coming. It is so hard to swing the excuses to get away for the night.

and maybe I'm selfish??? this weekend he has been alone, no wife or family and he didn't make any arrangement to call me. He knows I would make myself available to take a call but I don't feel I should have to ask for it. Its gone from speaking to him everyday to once a fortnight, from having daily chats online to him not bothering to turn up. Yet when I say things have changed and lets take a step back I have wounded him. I told him yesterday how much it hurts when he makes promises and doesn't bother to deliver or apologise. That he has gone from needing me daily to it being convenient for him when he is up here. And please don't get me wrong, I sound needy as I reread this, remember we met on a swing site and was not looking for strings, I never asked it of him it was something that happened organically and naturally. He was the one that ask me to be his.

I think we have reached the agreement that our relationship is we are each others when we are in the same room.

He asked me to tell him if I sleep with anyone else... does he really want to know?

Lets see how it goes?

Monday, 5 April 2010

yesterday morning

He turns to me, the husband, "can we have sex" I was shocked, I looked shocked I'm sure, its been so long, my reply "no"

He asked why, confused thinking I would be pleased, its been 11 months now since we last had any sort of sex and that was beyond awful I was a posh wank for him, he left the mess and gave no care, affection or pleasure.

I answered "because your 10 months too late" he said "can't we have make up sex then I'm really horny" "no" I replied. "you've hurt me too much, I gave you the chance you declined, that's not part of us anymore".

I'm numb, I need to say more but I can't form a full sentence, so I'm hiding now in the study pretending to work, but really I'm avoiding the silence.

Friday, 2 April 2010

Domestic goddess

Been baking tonight, chocolate fudge cake in the shape of a pony. its my little girls birthday on Sunday, she will be 9. Next week is her main party for her friends, the one that counts in her world but Sunday we are having a family gathering. I have plans of a great festival of foods and treat, games and dancing. Sounds great doesn't it but sat behind it is a bad dynamic.

1) Dad's leaving Mum no-one knows but me and them
2) My brothers up with his family, to say I dislike him would be the understatement, A long standing position that I can not express to anyone
3) My dad and brother don't get on
4) My Mother's a drunk and will either be sober and grumpy or drunk and annoyingly enthusiastic
5) Me and Hubby aren't speaking

BUT!!!! it's about my princess, I know it, I just hope they remember that otherwise me and her will be in the car and away before they see past there own noses.