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Friday, 26 March 2010

They make me me

been a bad week. Following last Fridays debacle of my mother going missing she has been drunk more days than sober, i tried to reason and help but now Ive stepped back and leaving her too it. It's hurting too much.

I see my Dad on the edge, unable to cope or express himself. Yet he is the most able and expressive of people. She is killing him.

The Lover has been aloof all week, ill, his cold got so bad his fingers could not work it seems. I'm trying not to react or show my reaction as that is not what our relationship is about but respect is so it's hard not to blurt 'For Fucks Sake' but I'm trying.

Husband has been his usual self, selfish. The children have been amazing and make me smile every day. They are my everything, they make me me.

Friday, 19 March 2010

Why its a bad day

Having a terrible few days personally so not had any time for myself. I so need to disappear alone for even a few hours, some quiet time to think. I doubt if I had the time today I could even achieve an orgasm as my mind isn't in the right space.

I have a place I love to go, its a beach, a perfect place, I've only shared the place once with someone else, we stood there the tide was out, the sun had set but the moon was bright and reflecting off the sea. The wind wasn't too kind but that help, it made him hold me tighter, it made me feel so safe, I often go there when my mind gets to cluttered or I feel overwhelmed, that's where I need to be tonight.

Mother and lover are AWOL, Mum disappeared yesterday after a tearful phone call with me, she turned up later and put the house up for sail and announced a divorce from my father, which is actually what he wants but she was drunk and she think she is playing a game, she doesn't know she has already lost. Then today just as I was about to go see my daughter receive an award I got another call from her saying how despertate and sad she is and the she needed me. I turned up sacrificing my daughters event and leaving her alone to receive abuse. I left after a few minutes to salvage the thing I should never of caught sight of that day. I got there just in time thank god.

Since then my day has been littered with drunk phone calls, tears and thoughtless apologies.

I sat waiting for my lover to appear online and he hasn't turned up, he hasn't emailed, he hasn't bothered. I'm off to bed in hope tomorrow will redress the balance and be a wonderful day!

Monday, 15 March 2010

woke up by a power ranger with a box of chocolates

if only that happened everyday!

the power ranger disapeared and returned with a bowl full of breakfast it was a concoction of everything which was so evident when I went downstairs he had grabbed a handful of each cereal and mixed them up! the demonstration of love and affection would take a while to tidy up!!

I returned to the duvet and and was joined by my daughter for a cuddle, she had flicked on a movie and we lay together eating the chocs so cosy and warm.

Domestic duties beckoned and had my mother coming over for lunch. The husband had said he would do it but half hour before anyone was due to turn up the oven wasnt even on. I managed to turn a miricle and serve up a suitable meal of haggis, neeps and tatties, my mums favourite just in time, as the door bell rang the husband appeared and said he would go do dinner!! er no thanks

you may of noticed the lack of inetraction with the husband and it is a true reflection of the day. Nothing said, he was never in the same room unless by chance.

I was struggling to hold back tears all day. I stood hidden in the bedroom with tears flowing down my face, trying my best to hold them in but it was making it worse. My head was full of anger by 3 as we headed to the childs birthday party. I wanted to scream out "nothing has changed" "you have done nothing to fix this so why cat you let me go?"

For 2 hours in company the charade of the perfect family was played, my friend even messaged to say had we sorted ourselves out as he looked tactile and wasnt rude. But no. It was just his act. As we arrived home he sat down to watch the football while I fed and bathed the children, did homework and read stories.

I sat and worked for the rest of the evening to avoid being ignored any further. After a brief conversation with the lover on-line which was not the best as he has been playing games all week and im tired of it and had to make a point... it wasn't the best day to push it with me, I just sat and stared into the abys and let the tears flow again.

Saturday, 13 March 2010

Mothers day

apparently in 1 hour it is my day???

if only! ive been hijacked.... tomorrow is my mothers day, my friends birthday, my other friends childs birthday party, it's a work deadline and the fist day in 2 weeks I have to catch up on house work.

I get to cook dinner for 8, drive to friend and impart a gift, go to a 6yr olds party and then conme back and iron.... oh the joy! i can only hope this year brings a better gift than last, but its not hard to beat nothing, not even a card.

In addition me and the lover are at logger heads and im not wishing to back down. I'm confident im right, I'm sure of myself on this so I need to stick to my guns on it.

Thursday, 11 March 2010

back to reality with a thump

the lover has gone, 3 weeks until I see him again, not too bad considering the last few times its been 7 weeks.

It's been such a wonderful few days but the aftermath is such a head fuck. It's like waking from a perfect dream and the finding out lifes still as crap as when you fell asleep. the hardest part is the contrast, the husband arrives home tonight and I bet he doesnt touch me for days. he never does. Beyond speaking about household things, nagging that I havent done something or complaints about the children I doubt a conversation will pass between us. So to go from being adored to being invisable is a hard journey to make in a day.

I never noticed it happen over the years as it was a slow and slight process but its so stark and hurtful in 24hrs.

I was glad he was away last night as my heart ached too much to be in the same room as him anyway. I plowed myself into domestic duties and motherhood doing homework, washing and sewing ribbons on my daughters new ballet shoes. My son sneaked in my bed and was a treasure to discover when I went to bed tired. As I climbed in he snuggled up and reached for my hand, it was just what I needed.

The husband goes away for the weekend with the lads tomorrow, I hope he enjoys the weekend with her. Im off dancing!

Monday, 8 March 2010

I had forgotten what it was like

Lay there in such bliss with his arms wrapped around me, pulling me close to him and kissing me. Apart from the intimacy and the feeling of love, he is much taller than me, which is rare as I pretty tall as girls go, I feel protected, almost delicate. It feels so right.

Since he arrived yesterday afternoon and until 8.30 this morning as he left for work I don't think he let go of me for more than a minute. It was perfect.

He has just called to tell me he will be only 5 mins and to meet him under the duvet.. naked, he needs to be close to me, he must of read my mind!

back later!!

Friday, 5 March 2010

the silence is so loud

My Mum asked me while we were away, "when do you think he will notice you have gone" I shrugged my shoulders, she replied for me, "well I think you left a few months a go, you just haven't changed your address".

Been back a 5 days now and other than perfunctory conversation barked at me and I must confess to barking any reply back but I'm so frustrated with where we are. I hate to feel so alone and isolated when in the room with someone who is supposed to love me.

His voice when I was away sounded full of promise, he sounded like he really missed me, I think I kidded myself that maybe he was going to make an effort. But no, sadly all I did was increase the height my heart had to fall.

I was so cold last night lay shivering, I've been feeling the cold since back off hol's, I told him and he suggested PJ's and turn the other way. I give up!

At least when we part I can say hand on heart I did try. I've tried so hard for the past 3 years, it should hurt this much, it shouldnt be this hard to been seen or heard. In some respects I wish I didn't love him as much, but its so hard when I have spent over half my life with him to just turn a page. Yet at times I feel like he already did, he just doesn't want to let me go,

I'm like a toy that he has finished playing with but doesn't want anyone else to touch and I so need to be touched, held and loved. It's who I am.