I seem to be living directly under gods toilet today.. someone keeps dropping shit on me from high!
Another company I have looks like its going to go. got a phone call this morning for an urgent meeting with one of the directors, I wish he had told me sooner but I think he has left it too late to rescue. Next few days I need to get head down and try and sort. I need to secure a retail contract or something pretty damn quick anyway.
I get back and best mate is already at the house she puts kettle on and blurts she has cervical cancer.. that was probably the lowest point of the day but I cheered her up and think i have her positive and focused now.
Mum and Dad had a huge fight, he went to doctors this morning and has been told to give up work or die. So he goes home tell mum he has to get rid of the stress in his life so she goes off it, he doesnt get to finish the sentence. She thinks its about her, its quite funny really because she made it about her. Dad comes to my house in pieces. I try to pick the pieces up and pull him back together.
In the meantime we both get an email from our biggest client to say contract is cancelled and he cant pay us. oh the joy!
then the joy continues
Dad gets back home to find mum on the floor anfter having a bad fall... think she was drunk but I wasnt there to be sure, but lets face it im not going to be wrong am I?
So I have a little bit of a tension headache tonight... I could do with a hug and a back rub... and perhaps a new life!
Thursday 27 January 2011
Tuesday 25 January 2011
In agony
I had a bit of a fall..,
Leg is sore and won't be attempting any ontop stuff for a long while!
Hurt shoulder as well. I was sober!
It was Friday I came in from a meeting at 1 and then we had some frozen rain happened, I dashed out to go for kids at 3 and the front step was black ice ( yes ouch).
I landed badly and knee cap and leg dislocated. PA heard me scream came out and shouted for my husband.
I'm lay there in agony, trying to get up....
Get this.., hubby goes to garage and gets salt walks back into house, goes to kitchen to get shoes on, I'm crying out in pain, he stops and to my pa's disbelief he cleans the kitchen benches down then heads out to help me!!!!!
I manage to get up and hop in the house, PA says 'what about the kids',
hubby says.., "shall I help you to the car"
I say "I don't think I can drive" leg has gone black n blue, I'm bleeding and can't walk.
Hubby says "how do you know if you don't try"
PA looks like her head will pop and offers to go collect the kids, I thank her kindly and suggest that the husband might like to help!!!!
Leg is sore and won't be attempting any ontop stuff for a long while!
Hurt shoulder as well. I was sober!
It was Friday I came in from a meeting at 1 and then we had some frozen rain happened, I dashed out to go for kids at 3 and the front step was black ice ( yes ouch).
I landed badly and knee cap and leg dislocated. PA heard me scream came out and shouted for my husband.
I'm lay there in agony, trying to get up....
Get this.., hubby goes to garage and gets salt walks back into house, goes to kitchen to get shoes on, I'm crying out in pain, he stops and to my pa's disbelief he cleans the kitchen benches down then heads out to help me!!!!!
I manage to get up and hop in the house, PA says 'what about the kids',
hubby says.., "shall I help you to the car"
I say "I don't think I can drive" leg has gone black n blue, I'm bleeding and can't walk.
Hubby says "how do you know if you don't try"
PA looks like her head will pop and offers to go collect the kids, I thank her kindly and suggest that the husband might like to help!!!!
Monday 24 January 2011
marriage counselling #2
this morning was number 2, I wasn't ready for it.
Its been a long weekend, loads of relative stay, I had 20 for tea on Saturday so in between 5 hours of dance classes and being taxis I cooked up a feast and prepared treats for the kids.
The husband was an arse and thats me being calm. He did his usual of confusing me with hired help in front of guests!
Anyway got to counselling and she ask so what were your thoughts and discussion after last week session. the husband babbles for a good 5 minutes about how positive he
feels and that it really help him.
She turns to me... I'm like a rabbit in head lights. I have know idea how I feel.. I'm numb. I blurt we haven't spoken about it, its been like an elephant in the room. Ive brought it up twice and both times it was ignored or 'not heard' as later pointed out by the ass sitting next to me.
The session then 'felt' like it focused on me not willing to have sex and despite my attempts to point out I'm not having sex because for years he refused and ridiculed me its all about me not being willing to move forward. Now I'm not so blinkered that I don't see that I do hold the key to this part, but it felt like nobody thought I had a good reason not to turn it.
I tell them I cant just turn it back on. I ask hubby for nearly 4 years I battled to have sex and begged and pleaded and you said you couldn't for many reasons.. I have only one reason and that's because after years of let down and disappointment I switch that expectation off in our relationship, Can you understand any of that? he shrugs and says he is ready now, I turn away and say I'm not, its gone.
Next session is in 2 weeks as I'm in hospital next week for that bloody wisdom tooth being taken out!
Its been a long weekend, loads of relative stay, I had 20 for tea on Saturday so in between 5 hours of dance classes and being taxis I cooked up a feast and prepared treats for the kids.
The husband was an arse and thats me being calm. He did his usual of confusing me with hired help in front of guests!
Anyway got to counselling and she ask so what were your thoughts and discussion after last week session. the husband babbles for a good 5 minutes about how positive he
feels and that it really help him.
She turns to me... I'm like a rabbit in head lights. I have know idea how I feel.. I'm numb. I blurt we haven't spoken about it, its been like an elephant in the room. Ive brought it up twice and both times it was ignored or 'not heard' as later pointed out by the ass sitting next to me.
The session then 'felt' like it focused on me not willing to have sex and despite my attempts to point out I'm not having sex because for years he refused and ridiculed me its all about me not being willing to move forward. Now I'm not so blinkered that I don't see that I do hold the key to this part, but it felt like nobody thought I had a good reason not to turn it.
I tell them I cant just turn it back on. I ask hubby for nearly 4 years I battled to have sex and begged and pleaded and you said you couldn't for many reasons.. I have only one reason and that's because after years of let down and disappointment I switch that expectation off in our relationship, Can you understand any of that? he shrugs and says he is ready now, I turn away and say I'm not, its gone.
Next session is in 2 weeks as I'm in hospital next week for that bloody wisdom tooth being taken out!
Thursday 20 January 2011
Marriage Counselling sesson #1
it was so much harder that I thought it would be.
When we got there we had to fill in a questionnaire each so she could understand what we both wanted from the sessions. I ticked many boxes:
to resolve issues
to retain the relationship
to improve communication
to keep family together
now for those of you without the ability to read upside down and round corners, aka men, I looked at what the Hubby wrote... he ticked:
to have more sex
I nearly choked!
Holding the laugh inside we started to talk, she ask the husband first 'so whats the problem?' he begins to explain we haven't had sex for nearly 2 years and that it was becoming an unbearable frustration, that he longed to have me but I recoil at his touch. He continues talking and I'm waiting for him to explain that for the 4 year previous that he refused to have sex with me, turned me down so often, I had to beg for it and when I got it it was nothing more that a posh wank for him and no effort to please me... I wait... I wait... nothing
She turns to me and asks how I feel about what the husbands just explained.
I clear throat and breathe deep... trying to swallow the words that are currently queued up in my mouth as I know it wont be constructive.
I take her back another 4 years and explain the years of changing excuses, I'm too tired, too stress, don't like condoms...
I explain what I did to try and entice him, I hate that the tears built up in my eyes, I think it was more anger, verbalising all my effort and let downs was so hard.
I explain that about 2 years ago I told him I would never ask for sex or intimacy ever again and that is why we haven't had sex and that Hubby wanting it now was too little too late.
The counsellor crossed out the earlier notes clearly thinking it had been a simple lack of sex drive post babies for me.
She asks hubby did he understand that not having sex for so long and the let downs may of drove me as a protection to myself to not want or expect sex from the relationship.... he replies......... "I don't blame her totally for this"
If you had seen the counsellors body language, it was priceless, she shot back at him, why do you feel she is at all to blame?
"I've been trying, just this last week Ive tried to kiss her and offered to wash her back, she said she would rather have her boots cleaned"
she look puzzled and I chirp up pointing at my knee high riding boots "don't they look good though and this will last all week where as the back rub would of been over in seconds" she starts laughing uncontrollably at my ironic sense of humour.
I turned to hubby and say " this last week you have made more effort, the closer we have got to the appointment the more you have tried to touch me but you have to understand how that makes me feel, it was like you were point scoring for this meeting, so you have some 'well I tried' moments, it wasnt because you wanted to or it felt right so it came accross as contrived and wrong"
She went on to ask how I feel about having sex with the hubby. I explained that the thought almost makes me feel ill, Ive spent years not expecting sex from the relationship to avoid the hurt and cant just swap back.
She asks him why he never wanted to have sex and started with the excuses, I chirp up and explain what i did to answer each excuse, the relaxing weekend away, that I even got the coil fitted so he didn't have to wear a condom. She asks him is there any reasons. He snaps I haven't had sex with anyone else if that's what you think... it wasn't but it is now is what went in my head.
So we are back again next week to talk about the positives of our relationship... that should be a short session.
When we got there we had to fill in a questionnaire each so she could understand what we both wanted from the sessions. I ticked many boxes:
to resolve issues
to retain the relationship
to improve communication
to keep family together
now for those of you without the ability to read upside down and round corners, aka men, I looked at what the Hubby wrote... he ticked:
to have more sex
I nearly choked!
Holding the laugh inside we started to talk, she ask the husband first 'so whats the problem?' he begins to explain we haven't had sex for nearly 2 years and that it was becoming an unbearable frustration, that he longed to have me but I recoil at his touch. He continues talking and I'm waiting for him to explain that for the 4 year previous that he refused to have sex with me, turned me down so often, I had to beg for it and when I got it it was nothing more that a posh wank for him and no effort to please me... I wait... I wait... nothing
She turns to me and asks how I feel about what the husbands just explained.
I clear throat and breathe deep... trying to swallow the words that are currently queued up in my mouth as I know it wont be constructive.
I take her back another 4 years and explain the years of changing excuses, I'm too tired, too stress, don't like condoms...
I explain what I did to try and entice him, I hate that the tears built up in my eyes, I think it was more anger, verbalising all my effort and let downs was so hard.
I explain that about 2 years ago I told him I would never ask for sex or intimacy ever again and that is why we haven't had sex and that Hubby wanting it now was too little too late.
The counsellor crossed out the earlier notes clearly thinking it had been a simple lack of sex drive post babies for me.
She asks hubby did he understand that not having sex for so long and the let downs may of drove me as a protection to myself to not want or expect sex from the relationship.... he replies......... "I don't blame her totally for this"
If you had seen the counsellors body language, it was priceless, she shot back at him, why do you feel she is at all to blame?
"I've been trying, just this last week Ive tried to kiss her and offered to wash her back, she said she would rather have her boots cleaned"
she look puzzled and I chirp up pointing at my knee high riding boots "don't they look good though and this will last all week where as the back rub would of been over in seconds" she starts laughing uncontrollably at my ironic sense of humour.
I turned to hubby and say " this last week you have made more effort, the closer we have got to the appointment the more you have tried to touch me but you have to understand how that makes me feel, it was like you were point scoring for this meeting, so you have some 'well I tried' moments, it wasnt because you wanted to or it felt right so it came accross as contrived and wrong"
She went on to ask how I feel about having sex with the hubby. I explained that the thought almost makes me feel ill, Ive spent years not expecting sex from the relationship to avoid the hurt and cant just swap back.
She asks him why he never wanted to have sex and started with the excuses, I chirp up and explain what i did to answer each excuse, the relaxing weekend away, that I even got the coil fitted so he didn't have to wear a condom. She asks him is there any reasons. He snaps I haven't had sex with anyone else if that's what you think... it wasn't but it is now is what went in my head.
So we are back again next week to talk about the positives of our relationship... that should be a short session.
Wednesday 12 January 2011
In agony
I had a bit of a fall..,
Leg is sore and won't be attempting any ontop stuff for a long while!
Hurt shoulder as well. I was sober!
It was Friday I came in from a meeting at 1 and then we had some frozen rain happened, I dashed out to go for kids at 3 and the front step was black ice ( yes ouch).
I landed badly and knee cap and leg dislocated. PA heard me scream came out and shouted for my husband.
I'm lay there in agony, trying to get up....
Get this.., hubby goes to garage and gets salt walks back into house, goes to kitchen to get shoes on, I'm crying out in pain, he stops and to my pa's disbelief he cleans the kitchen benches down then heads out to help me!!!!!
I manage to get up and hop in the house, PA says 'what about the kids',
hubby says.., "shall I help you to the car"
I say "I don't think I can drive" leg has gone black n blue, I'm bleeding and can't walk.
Hubby says "how do you know if you don't try"
PA looks like her head will pop and offers to go collect the kids, I thank her kindly and suggest that the husband might like to help!!!!
Leg is sore and won't be attempting any ontop stuff for a long while!
Hurt shoulder as well. I was sober!
It was Friday I came in from a meeting at 1 and then we had some frozen rain happened, I dashed out to go for kids at 3 and the front step was black ice ( yes ouch).
I landed badly and knee cap and leg dislocated. PA heard me scream came out and shouted for my husband.
I'm lay there in agony, trying to get up....
Get this.., hubby goes to garage and gets salt walks back into house, goes to kitchen to get shoes on, I'm crying out in pain, he stops and to my pa's disbelief he cleans the kitchen benches down then heads out to help me!!!!!
I manage to get up and hop in the house, PA says 'what about the kids',
hubby says.., "shall I help you to the car"
I say "I don't think I can drive" leg has gone black n blue, I'm bleeding and can't walk.
Hubby says "how do you know if you don't try"
PA looks like her head will pop and offers to go collect the kids, I thank her kindly and suggest that the husband might like to help!!!!
Sunday 9 January 2011
It made me cry
I read this poem and when I'd finished tears were running down my face.
It made me ache for HIM more than I want to admit.
Yearn On by Katie Donovan
I want you to feel
the unbearable lack of me.
I want your skin
to yearn for the soft lure of mine;
I want those hints of red
on your canvas
to deepen in passion for me:
carmine, burgundy.
I want you to keep
stubbing your toe
on the memory of me;
I want your head to be dizzy
and your stomach in a spin;
I want you to hear my voice
in your ear, to touch your face
imagining it is my hand.
I want your body to shiver and quiver
at the mere idea of mine.
I want you to feel as though
life after me is dull, and pointless,
and very, very aggravating;
that with me you were lifted
on a current you waited all your life to find,
as though you were wading
through a soggy swill of inanity and ugliness
every minute we are apart.
I want you to drive yourself crazy
with the fantasy of me,
and how we will meet again, against all odds,
and there will be tears and flowers,
and the vast relief of not I,
but us.
I am haunting your dreams,
conducting these fevers
from a distance,
a distance that leaves me weeping,
and storming,
and bereft.
It made me ache for HIM more than I want to admit.
Yearn On by Katie Donovan
I want you to feel
the unbearable lack of me.
I want your skin
to yearn for the soft lure of mine;
I want those hints of red
on your canvas
to deepen in passion for me:
carmine, burgundy.
I want you to keep
stubbing your toe
on the memory of me;
I want your head to be dizzy
and your stomach in a spin;
I want you to hear my voice
in your ear, to touch your face
imagining it is my hand.
I want your body to shiver and quiver
at the mere idea of mine.
I want you to feel as though
life after me is dull, and pointless,
and very, very aggravating;
that with me you were lifted
on a current you waited all your life to find,
as though you were wading
through a soggy swill of inanity and ugliness
every minute we are apart.
I want you to drive yourself crazy
with the fantasy of me,
and how we will meet again, against all odds,
and there will be tears and flowers,
and the vast relief of not I,
but us.
I am haunting your dreams,
conducting these fevers
from a distance,
a distance that leaves me weeping,
and storming,
and bereft.
Sunday 2 January 2011
New Years Resolutions
1. Resolve marriage - 2 weeks until marriage counselling starts. The kids are away next weekend Im planning on starting the 'chat' about it with hubby. Ask him what he wants to achieve from it. I have a feeling its going to be a roller coaster ride.
2. Lose weight - an ever ongoing battle but its alway good to start the year with some focus on yourself and your health so Im going to see if I can drop a few pounds before easter. The stress from 1. should help!
3. Get back dancing - I love my dancing but have sacrificed the time for work and the cildren. I want to give myself an hour a week to dance again.
4. get tooth out! got such bad tooth ache since they tried to pull out wisdom tooth and failed. Im in hospital for an operation on the 10th to remove it (chissel it off the jaw to quote the dentist!)
5. Find someone worthy of my affection and trust.
What do you guys plan to achieve in 2011
2. Lose weight - an ever ongoing battle but its alway good to start the year with some focus on yourself and your health so Im going to see if I can drop a few pounds before easter. The stress from 1. should help!
3. Get back dancing - I love my dancing but have sacrificed the time for work and the cildren. I want to give myself an hour a week to dance again.
4. get tooth out! got such bad tooth ache since they tried to pull out wisdom tooth and failed. Im in hospital for an operation on the 10th to remove it (chissel it off the jaw to quote the dentist!)
5. Find someone worthy of my affection and trust.
What do you guys plan to achieve in 2011
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