The paramedics refused to take her to hospital, they suggested Dad left the house, she was as much a danger to him there as she is herself.
He stayed at mine and with 10minutes of him arriving the phones started. Drunk messages being left on house phones and mobiles. At about 12:30am my mobile goes and it's my brother this time. Mums rang him and told him Dads walked out, she's too drunk to comprehend that they are already separated just living in the same house also too drunk to realise she was letting my brother know she was drunk.
He starts yelling at me, I tell him '1 minute' I needed to get out of the bed which was easier said then done as I had a not so small child in with me. I go to the office and answer him again and again I get "what the fuck is happening" I say it's late, mums drunk, dads hear what else do you want to know. It seems the drunk bit was a revelation to him he had as ever bought mums lies and thinks me and Dad are conspiring.
I wake dad and I whisk I hadn't because for the next 30 minutes I watch him cry on the phone while he tries to get a word in edge ways as my brother rants. He thinks we are all useless, he thinks we should drag her to AA and make her go, he is flying her down there and going to make her stop once and for all!
He just doesn't get that preventing her from drinking doesn't fix the problem, until she accepts she is an alcoholic and does it herself anything else is just vanity.
The calls continued until almost 3am and then sleep was in short supply as I worried most of the night what harm she might do to herself.
Today she is just aggressive and full of blame, I'm keeping out of the way, I'm not feeling I can deal with it other than being a support to Dad. Brother has sent tickets and she leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks of being watched and taken to AA daily, she doesn't know it yet.
Monday, 3 October 2011
Sunday, 2 October 2011
And again
A year and a day on.
It was dads birthday,the day the business closed, the day I saw my dad cry, the day I had my mother arrested for assaulting me and then had her sectioned.
So much has happened in a year but clearly nothing has changed, last week she swore on my children's lives she wasn't drunk, I didn't believe her but I held the guilt of the vague possibilty I might be wrong.
Right now I'm waiting to see if she will be admitted, arrested or committed, worse still refused treatment because she drunk.
She's tried to attack dad, he called from his bedroom scared and not knowing what to do for the best.
I think tonight is going to be a long night.
It was dads birthday,the day the business closed, the day I saw my dad cry, the day I had my mother arrested for assaulting me and then had her sectioned.
So much has happened in a year but clearly nothing has changed, last week she swore on my children's lives she wasn't drunk, I didn't believe her but I held the guilt of the vague possibilty I might be wrong.
Right now I'm waiting to see if she will be admitted, arrested or committed, worse still refused treatment because she drunk.
She's tried to attack dad, he called from his bedroom scared and not knowing what to do for the best.
I think tonight is going to be a long night.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
The last therapy session and some other stuff
It was awful, I was foolish to think that I might have got him to see some sense over the past few days.
The therapist asks how weve got on, "fine apart from she hasnt told me whats gone on in the last 2 sessions" he says, im shocked because we had and because he is making it sound like he was excluded not that he couldnt be arsed!
I politely point out I had, "remember I told you we had discussed the condom situtation" He then launches into t yes you had to drag it up again. "Im sick of hearing about it, Ive said I havent but thats not enough is it". I explain again like i had last week, I want to have a calm adult conversation about it, I wanted to include it into our relationship if we needed to.
"i think its more than fair to ask for reassurance and understanding of our relationship" I say confidently "however all you did was go on the attack and tell me all my short comings and how your family and friends dislike me and that my friends dont like me" He smiles and replies "I thought it was an appropriate time to get things off my chest and whilst the truth hurts you needed to hear it".
Im agast and the tears are pouring down my face by now, upset and anger mixed together. He goes off explaining to the therapist all my short comings, I just sit and listen, I wait until the moment is right and try and explain how out of context what he is saying. I dont need too, she already knows it and when he has finished she pionts out the obvious. I was right to of asked him, he was wrong to attack me and to persist over a week after. His main gripe is that I undermine and he said "bully" others. She tactfully points out that what he is doing could be seen as being a bully. That he was stiffling any honesty between us.
SHe asks how I feel, im crying so much, I cant believe what things he has said about me, i tell them both I feel that I wish i had never bothered, that in future Id rather suffer in silence than go through this. I sit up straight in my chair wipe the tears and say to him "the next time a light joke about your DIY hurts you in front of your friends consider how I felt the day you asked me to come and pick you up from town at 2am I was parked up and you snogging a woman in front your friends, you got in the car and joked about her being better than me, that hurts". He says "that was over a year ago now", "exactly the joke to your friend was 4years ago".
At this point you can see the therapist thinking she was ill equiped or trained to defuse the bomb.she rounded up the session and suggested we book more sessions.
We head to the car and he asks for a hug. "AT this moment I dont ven want you to touch me" I reply.
I drop him home and head out to the beach, I cant face the PA and my Dad that were already at the house. I sit on the beach trying to stop the tears, evntually I just give in to them and let them out.
Nothing much else has been said since then, he has booked more session but with a different therapist which I think means he doesnt like what this one has to say.
The week didnt improve much either, the PA resigned, I had to get the police out to deal with my car being blocked in and damaged by some charver idiots. My mother is being her usual manipulating self, Dad is ill with all the stress.
Thank goodness I have 2 amazing children that make me smile everyday (and a lover).
The therapist asks how weve got on, "fine apart from she hasnt told me whats gone on in the last 2 sessions" he says, im shocked because we had and because he is making it sound like he was excluded not that he couldnt be arsed!
I politely point out I had, "remember I told you we had discussed the condom situtation" He then launches into t yes you had to drag it up again. "Im sick of hearing about it, Ive said I havent but thats not enough is it". I explain again like i had last week, I want to have a calm adult conversation about it, I wanted to include it into our relationship if we needed to.
"i think its more than fair to ask for reassurance and understanding of our relationship" I say confidently "however all you did was go on the attack and tell me all my short comings and how your family and friends dislike me and that my friends dont like me" He smiles and replies "I thought it was an appropriate time to get things off my chest and whilst the truth hurts you needed to hear it".
Im agast and the tears are pouring down my face by now, upset and anger mixed together. He goes off explaining to the therapist all my short comings, I just sit and listen, I wait until the moment is right and try and explain how out of context what he is saying. I dont need too, she already knows it and when he has finished she pionts out the obvious. I was right to of asked him, he was wrong to attack me and to persist over a week after. His main gripe is that I undermine and he said "bully" others. She tactfully points out that what he is doing could be seen as being a bully. That he was stiffling any honesty between us.
SHe asks how I feel, im crying so much, I cant believe what things he has said about me, i tell them both I feel that I wish i had never bothered, that in future Id rather suffer in silence than go through this. I sit up straight in my chair wipe the tears and say to him "the next time a light joke about your DIY hurts you in front of your friends consider how I felt the day you asked me to come and pick you up from town at 2am I was parked up and you snogging a woman in front your friends, you got in the car and joked about her being better than me, that hurts". He says "that was over a year ago now", "exactly the joke to your friend was 4years ago".
At this point you can see the therapist thinking she was ill equiped or trained to defuse the bomb.she rounded up the session and suggested we book more sessions.
We head to the car and he asks for a hug. "AT this moment I dont ven want you to touch me" I reply.
I drop him home and head out to the beach, I cant face the PA and my Dad that were already at the house. I sit on the beach trying to stop the tears, evntually I just give in to them and let them out.
Nothing much else has been said since then, he has booked more session but with a different therapist which I think means he doesnt like what this one has to say.
The week didnt improve much either, the PA resigned, I had to get the police out to deal with my car being blocked in and damaged by some charver idiots. My mother is being her usual manipulating self, Dad is ill with all the stress.
Thank goodness I have 2 amazing children that make me smile everyday (and a lover).
Sunday, 24 July 2011
I'm not a nice person (apparently)
I pluck up the courage to address the condoms again, I'm really calm and explain how the dates don't add up and that we should discuss these things, if he is having sex we need to work out how that fits into our relationship. I just want to know what I'm dealing with, I have no judgement to cast upon him, o have no right to that.
He says he isn't and I'm honest saying I still have my doubts. He decides best defence is attack.
All of a sudden a barrage of faults are thrown at me. One stands out and hurts the most. He tells me I ridicule him in front of people, I ask how/when. He says I did it just today when I told our friend how he had spoken in a funny accent in France on holiday. I'm thrown as this was just humour, my sense of humour, I always share stories of things we have done that are worthy of a giggle, more often I'm the butt of my own jokes. He says he can't talk to me about everything for fear if being made a laughing stock???
I apologise and say it was never meant to hurtful just sharing a funny moment, I politely point out that he has done this too me on many occasion, shared that little too much info but I've seen the value in the laugh.
He moves on to say his friends think the same, that I have been demeaning to them. I'm shocked and as when, apparently his friend had asked my opinion some 4 years ago if a new hair cut would make him look younger... My reply "somewhere between bob and no on the hope scale" it was just a funny retort!
Also his family!!! Apparently his mother has never rested well since I said hubby was never happier than with a cloth and sone bleach... Does no body get sarcasm??
So I'm starting to worry maybe i am some horrible person, some narsisitic streak I can't see.
Then he tells me he can't understand why my best friend even puts up with me I'm so mean and horrid to her. I'm crying now. He says he has even heard her say she does know why she puts up with the crap from me. Oh my god I never realised. I feel so winded, I never thought my sense of humour was hurtful, hurting the people around me.
He asks "was I bullied as a child" he knows the answer to this and it hurts that he even has brought this up and I can't reply as it sounds like I agree with him and I don't believe that just because I was bullied does'nt make me a bully. I'm do choked with tears but I don't want him to see how much he is hurting me.
I lie awake most of the tears pouring silently from me.
I leave for work early and first thing I do is ring best friend. I need to put things right. I explain what's happened and why I'm calling, she is silent on the phone, then she shrieks and starts laughing... "Seriously" she says, "you are the funniest, nicest, caring person. Sarcastic at times but more about your own flaws than anyone else" she assures me. "as for the I don't know why I put up with you comment that was because you asked me to do some work and I was being sarcastic! FFs!!"
Tears if relief ran down my face as I sat in the car, I can't believe I doubted myself so much.
When I went back home at lunch time he went at it again, telling my how selfish and spiteful I am. I just sit quiet and take it, quietly taking another step back from our relationship. He tells me he just wants to fix things and get back to having sex, I say there is no magic solution to this, he says I need to stop trying to hurt him. I ask him to explain, he says that just because he wouldn't have sex for me for years I'm just trying to get back at him.
I'm shocked I thought he understood this. This is feeling like one way traffic and its all my fault I ask him calmly a question. "All those years you didn't want to have sex with me, the changing excuses, the new reasons why you couldn't, did you do any of that to hurt me? "
"no" he says
"why can't you accept that maybe I'm just where you were then?"
He shrugs his shoulders unable to answer.
It's taken a few days to get my head back straight but now I resent what he did. I asked for an open discussion and reassurance which was perfectly reasonable and what I got was uncalled for and very hurtful.
It makes me see little point in raising any of my concerns in our marriage because the hurt isnt worth it. I hate that i feel this way as i struggle to make my feelings known anyway for fear of upsetting others.
He says he isn't and I'm honest saying I still have my doubts. He decides best defence is attack.
All of a sudden a barrage of faults are thrown at me. One stands out and hurts the most. He tells me I ridicule him in front of people, I ask how/when. He says I did it just today when I told our friend how he had spoken in a funny accent in France on holiday. I'm thrown as this was just humour, my sense of humour, I always share stories of things we have done that are worthy of a giggle, more often I'm the butt of my own jokes. He says he can't talk to me about everything for fear if being made a laughing stock???
I apologise and say it was never meant to hurtful just sharing a funny moment, I politely point out that he has done this too me on many occasion, shared that little too much info but I've seen the value in the laugh.
He moves on to say his friends think the same, that I have been demeaning to them. I'm shocked and as when, apparently his friend had asked my opinion some 4 years ago if a new hair cut would make him look younger... My reply "somewhere between bob and no on the hope scale" it was just a funny retort!
Also his family!!! Apparently his mother has never rested well since I said hubby was never happier than with a cloth and sone bleach... Does no body get sarcasm??
So I'm starting to worry maybe i am some horrible person, some narsisitic streak I can't see.
Then he tells me he can't understand why my best friend even puts up with me I'm so mean and horrid to her. I'm crying now. He says he has even heard her say she does know why she puts up with the crap from me. Oh my god I never realised. I feel so winded, I never thought my sense of humour was hurtful, hurting the people around me.
He asks "was I bullied as a child" he knows the answer to this and it hurts that he even has brought this up and I can't reply as it sounds like I agree with him and I don't believe that just because I was bullied does'nt make me a bully. I'm do choked with tears but I don't want him to see how much he is hurting me.
I lie awake most of the tears pouring silently from me.
I leave for work early and first thing I do is ring best friend. I need to put things right. I explain what's happened and why I'm calling, she is silent on the phone, then she shrieks and starts laughing... "Seriously" she says, "you are the funniest, nicest, caring person. Sarcastic at times but more about your own flaws than anyone else" she assures me. "as for the I don't know why I put up with you comment that was because you asked me to do some work and I was being sarcastic! FFs!!"
Tears if relief ran down my face as I sat in the car, I can't believe I doubted myself so much.
When I went back home at lunch time he went at it again, telling my how selfish and spiteful I am. I just sit quiet and take it, quietly taking another step back from our relationship. He tells me he just wants to fix things and get back to having sex, I say there is no magic solution to this, he says I need to stop trying to hurt him. I ask him to explain, he says that just because he wouldn't have sex for me for years I'm just trying to get back at him.
I'm shocked I thought he understood this. This is feeling like one way traffic and its all my fault I ask him calmly a question. "All those years you didn't want to have sex with me, the changing excuses, the new reasons why you couldn't, did you do any of that to hurt me? "
"no" he says
"why can't you accept that maybe I'm just where you were then?"
He shrugs his shoulders unable to answer.
It's taken a few days to get my head back straight but now I resent what he did. I asked for an open discussion and reassurance which was perfectly reasonable and what I got was uncalled for and very hurtful.
It makes me see little point in raising any of my concerns in our marriage because the hurt isnt worth it. I hate that i feel this way as i struggle to make my feelings known anyway for fear of upsetting others.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
life at the moment
Quick update....
Mother
Still not speaking, as ever she bent things in her head and thinks its all me. I called her last week to clarify exactly where things stood. She says "i dont understand as im beng nice to you and want to be your friend". I keep it calm and straight to the point and explain that this couldnt be the case as the last contact I had from her she was abusive and cruel. I said either you were drunk and that is inexcusable or you were rude and abusive which is inexcusable. We havent spoken since.
Ive been to seen a cousellor for families with addiction problems, more to keep Dad happy as Im confident Im doing the right thing and thankfully they agreed with me. Tough love is the only way to go. Being kind is only going to kill her.
Dad
He seems to of got some confidence back, he is looking for his own place now and I hope he goes for it, only thing that is holding him back is my mother and brother. Brother is back believing everything my Mother says so dad is left as the villian. I have a horrible feeling from reading between the lines he is about to engage solicitors on behalf of my Mother instead of letting them just sort things between themselves. Its going to cause alot of pain especially for her as it will force Dads hand for a divorce.
Work
Things are tough at the moment, but hopefully in the next month or so all the hard work will pay off.
Marriage
Last 2 counselling session have been alone. It makes such a statement going to work on a partnership alone. Last week I was looking for deodrant and discovered lube in Hubbys wardrobe when I got back from trip away, it had moved the next day and so had the deodrant. He was packing to go away so I opened the case to grab some deo and found condoms instead.
and before you gasp and say hipocrit im not after his blood for it I just thought it would give i a spring board to talk. I asked him why he had them, he says they were from when we had sex last. I say they cant be as the last time I borrowed this case you said the same and that was a half used pack plus the exp date is 2014 and ive had the coil in since 2008, so unless NASA are making his condoms they were bought 2010 earliest but more likely this year. He has since defend his corner with the 'posh wank' argument which I stated that a pos wank is an urban mith for people found with condoms.
I plan to talk more with him, ive had a chance to think things through and I want this to give us a chance to move forward.
I told the marriage counsellor about it all this week. Her parting words were... i think its time you started looking after yourself.
Ending on a positive note....
My children are great, they give me so many reasons to smile. (and ive fallen for my lover)
Mother
Still not speaking, as ever she bent things in her head and thinks its all me. I called her last week to clarify exactly where things stood. She says "i dont understand as im beng nice to you and want to be your friend". I keep it calm and straight to the point and explain that this couldnt be the case as the last contact I had from her she was abusive and cruel. I said either you were drunk and that is inexcusable or you were rude and abusive which is inexcusable. We havent spoken since.
Ive been to seen a cousellor for families with addiction problems, more to keep Dad happy as Im confident Im doing the right thing and thankfully they agreed with me. Tough love is the only way to go. Being kind is only going to kill her.
Dad
He seems to of got some confidence back, he is looking for his own place now and I hope he goes for it, only thing that is holding him back is my mother and brother. Brother is back believing everything my Mother says so dad is left as the villian. I have a horrible feeling from reading between the lines he is about to engage solicitors on behalf of my Mother instead of letting them just sort things between themselves. Its going to cause alot of pain especially for her as it will force Dads hand for a divorce.
Work
Things are tough at the moment, but hopefully in the next month or so all the hard work will pay off.
Marriage
Last 2 counselling session have been alone. It makes such a statement going to work on a partnership alone. Last week I was looking for deodrant and discovered lube in Hubbys wardrobe when I got back from trip away, it had moved the next day and so had the deodrant. He was packing to go away so I opened the case to grab some deo and found condoms instead.
and before you gasp and say hipocrit im not after his blood for it I just thought it would give i a spring board to talk. I asked him why he had them, he says they were from when we had sex last. I say they cant be as the last time I borrowed this case you said the same and that was a half used pack plus the exp date is 2014 and ive had the coil in since 2008, so unless NASA are making his condoms they were bought 2010 earliest but more likely this year. He has since defend his corner with the 'posh wank' argument which I stated that a pos wank is an urban mith for people found with condoms.
I plan to talk more with him, ive had a chance to think things through and I want this to give us a chance to move forward.
I told the marriage counsellor about it all this week. Her parting words were... i think its time you started looking after yourself.
Ending on a positive note....
My children are great, they give me so many reasons to smile. (and ive fallen for my lover)
Monday, 20 June 2011
Fathers day
Fathers day
The build up was just my style, mum called me Wednesday, I was with my best friend, I take the call and the abuse starts. Up till this point I was having a perfect day, id woken in the arms of my lover after a perfect night together.
I ask are you drunk calmly "yes I'm fucking off my head" is the reply. 'fuck off, fuck off' is then mumbled by her, I ask what her point is, she wants to know what's happening Sunday (fathers day).
I don't know I tell her, I will let you know when I do, she shouts "fucking tell me now you bitch" I don't understand the tone of it all then the penny drops but I chose to not let on and hang up.
A few hours later I call at the house to see if she was 'off her gead'. She certainly wasn't right but I couldn't of sworn she was drunk.
I ask "what was the abusive call about"
"what call?"
"the call where you told me you were off your fucking nut" I reply trying to stay calm.
"I never said that" she snaps back
"you were demanding to know what's happening on Sunday as well"
"well what is happening?" She growls
"so now you are admitting to calling me?" I ask, bemused by the game playing
"I only called to ask what's happening, you were the one that got abusive"
I get up, as I'm about to leave I turn to her and say "you are single handedly unpicking what's left of this family, Sunday will be for the kids and (hubby) only, I won't tolerate this anymore"
She screams at me "you are the one that has done this, you have ruined my marriage even your brother hates you"
I leave, she can't see I'm crying.
By the time I get home the answer phone is littered with messages asking for me to call her, as I'm deleting them she calls again and I answer.
"I'm not sure why you came here and did that to me" she says "I just want to know if your dad is coming over on Sunday, I'm going away if he does" she hisses.
"no, you have decided for me" I choke back my tears "you have no idea how heart breaking it is to have your mother do this, you are making it harder to care"
"you never fucking cared about me" She screams
I hung up.
Sunday morning dad sneaks over and enjoys fresh baked brownies and hugs with the kids while he pretended he was going to the shops.
Hubby was so supportive (NOT). he refused to lift a finger as it was his day! I'm happy to spoil on such days but it's a reciprocal arrangement. Motherday and his birthday clashed this year so nothing happened for me except hugs and cards from the kids.
Sunday he wouldn't even help with the kids. I make smoked salmon and eggs for breakfast, carpet picnic for lunch and steak for tea. As I walk through with the steak I discover he has opened the champagne and is toasting being a great dad with the kids.
I want to shove that bottle somewhere it would need medical assistance to remove it.
My only moment of joy is when my hubby asked for a drink and daughter chirps up "I think you are pushing your luck, you did nothing like this for mummy".
The build up was just my style, mum called me Wednesday, I was with my best friend, I take the call and the abuse starts. Up till this point I was having a perfect day, id woken in the arms of my lover after a perfect night together.
I ask are you drunk calmly "yes I'm fucking off my head" is the reply. 'fuck off, fuck off' is then mumbled by her, I ask what her point is, she wants to know what's happening Sunday (fathers day).
I don't know I tell her, I will let you know when I do, she shouts "fucking tell me now you bitch" I don't understand the tone of it all then the penny drops but I chose to not let on and hang up.
A few hours later I call at the house to see if she was 'off her gead'. She certainly wasn't right but I couldn't of sworn she was drunk.
I ask "what was the abusive call about"
"what call?"
"the call where you told me you were off your fucking nut" I reply trying to stay calm.
"I never said that" she snaps back
"you were demanding to know what's happening on Sunday as well"
"well what is happening?" She growls
"so now you are admitting to calling me?" I ask, bemused by the game playing
"I only called to ask what's happening, you were the one that got abusive"
I get up, as I'm about to leave I turn to her and say "you are single handedly unpicking what's left of this family, Sunday will be for the kids and (hubby) only, I won't tolerate this anymore"
She screams at me "you are the one that has done this, you have ruined my marriage even your brother hates you"
I leave, she can't see I'm crying.
By the time I get home the answer phone is littered with messages asking for me to call her, as I'm deleting them she calls again and I answer.
"I'm not sure why you came here and did that to me" she says "I just want to know if your dad is coming over on Sunday, I'm going away if he does" she hisses.
"no, you have decided for me" I choke back my tears "you have no idea how heart breaking it is to have your mother do this, you are making it harder to care"
"you never fucking cared about me" She screams
I hung up.
Sunday morning dad sneaks over and enjoys fresh baked brownies and hugs with the kids while he pretended he was going to the shops.
Hubby was so supportive (NOT). he refused to lift a finger as it was his day! I'm happy to spoil on such days but it's a reciprocal arrangement. Motherday and his birthday clashed this year so nothing happened for me except hugs and cards from the kids.
Sunday he wouldn't even help with the kids. I make smoked salmon and eggs for breakfast, carpet picnic for lunch and steak for tea. As I walk through with the steak I discover he has opened the champagne and is toasting being a great dad with the kids.
I want to shove that bottle somewhere it would need medical assistance to remove it.
My only moment of joy is when my hubby asked for a drink and daughter chirps up "I think you are pushing your luck, you did nothing like this for mummy".
Monday, 23 May 2011
Yesterday I tried to have sex with hubby
Yesterday I was woken by hubby's hand between my thighs, im shocked but I really dont want to hurt him, things have at least become understandable between us, so I pretend I'm still asleep and turn away from him, he starts to rub my back so I get up to go pee and then hide in bathroom until he goes to make coffee.
He knows 4 years of rejection and excuses have brought us to here but I think todays last marriage counselling has him desperate to get a positive outcome.
Nothing was said all day, it was a busy day with a BBQ and a party.
Back at home drunk, I was dancing, been at party all day, he steps up and take hold of me, I try to stay with the moment, I want to try and get past this. Maybe if I can just let go of this hurt and fear of rejection we can move on.
As he touches me I burst into tears, the tears turn into uncontrollable sobs.
I lie on the sofa crying, he says sorry and goes to bed leaving me to cry.
In 30 minutes we go to our last session, we haven't spoken since last night. I feel sick (partially the hangover) I don't want to deal with this. I want to hide.
He knows 4 years of rejection and excuses have brought us to here but I think todays last marriage counselling has him desperate to get a positive outcome.
Nothing was said all day, it was a busy day with a BBQ and a party.
Back at home drunk, I was dancing, been at party all day, he steps up and take hold of me, I try to stay with the moment, I want to try and get past this. Maybe if I can just let go of this hurt and fear of rejection we can move on.
As he touches me I burst into tears, the tears turn into uncontrollable sobs.
I lie on the sofa crying, he says sorry and goes to bed leaving me to cry.
In 30 minutes we go to our last session, we haven't spoken since last night. I feel sick (partially the hangover) I don't want to deal with this. I want to hide.
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