I was worried because she hadn't returned any calls and wasn't answering the door, my deepest fears were right. Today the drink took too much, Mum was lay of the floor, cold, white, a bottle in reaching distance and dead.
I'm so angry, my last conversation was a mixed one, full of argument about her drinking, her accusing me as being the reason Dad is wanting a divorce , empty promises and lies about going to AA. I told her about the good stuff happening as well, the children's achievements, awards at school and holiday plans, begging her to look after herself but the call ended on her blaming me for Dad leaving her.
I just wish she was in a state of mind to know I loved her so much, if I hadn't I would of walked away from the pain of coping with her alcoholism years ago.
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Monday, 18 June 2012
A tad stressed and in need of a hug
Its been a while since Ive posted on here, not because I havent had stuff to write about but just had so much great stuff to put down Ive focused on all that.
The past couple of weeks have been hard. it started with being copied into a load of emails from my Mother to my Father, She wasnt aware he was abroad for a few days working and I was fending any urgent messages. The messages came in thick and fast, all very cruel and hurtful, trying to make out me and my brother didnt love him and inferred lots of untruths.
I jumped in the care and headed over, as I rang the door bell I knee to expect a drunk woman but instead nothing. no answer. I call her phone and hear the voicemail kick in and I can hear her shuffling in the hall way. I knock again and she continues to ignore. Frustrated and not sure what to do next I retire to my car to calm down and make a plan. More messages come through confirming she is in the house as its the only way she can access e-mail. I head back and knock again she ignores me and I wait for about 5mins and I catch her at the window trying to see if ive gone. Knowing the game was up she opened the door and slurred that she was alone and frightened to open the door.
I accussed her of being drunk and explain Im getting the messages, telling her to stop it. She wont listen and I can't rationalise with her in that state so I leave.
The next day she denies all knowledge and say she never opened the door because she never heard that or the phone as the electric was off. The lies continued to mount up. Mofre message are sent to Dad, this time about me and how Im being abusive to her and making out she is drunk.
Nothing is said for days, it was here birthday and the kids wanted her over for a party they had been planning, I bit my lip and made it clear she was only there so as not to upset the children. She took advantage trying to score visable caring points with an audience that ended with me having to get my dad to take her home early when she thought she would ask me to give her a birthday cuddle because the children where there.
2 weeks later after many emails from her trying to explain her behaviour with more layers of lies I go round to see her. Still unable to be truthful I make it clear that in order for us to have any relationship moving forward from now she must deal with her alcoholism. "I am" she says. when I enquired how the first answer was that Ive stopped drinking, "drink is no longer part of my life" I explain how I dont believe her that we've been down this road before and we know it doesnt work. Then she says shes been back to AA "how many times?" I ask, last week was the responce. I explan that its not enough but if she does start to make an effort I will be there to support her and we can look to rebuild a friendship, she just needs to keep me posted of what she is doing.
10days later I get a text "are we friends" im baffled and i know my dad and daughter have been to see her so I calll him to ask what its about, before I even get to speak with him there are 3 more texts in demanding to know if I am her friend or not. Turns out she interrogated the daughter and ask her about fathers day plans, Mum thinks she is being excluded from a family get together when in truth we arent doing one. Dad explains he has had a load of texts saying him and daughter are liers and mum had asked him if I was her friend or not, he had explained that as far as he was aware things were still unresloved and she should ask me.
My next message before I had replied to her was saying "Dad says you do not wish to be my daughter" then an email arrives with a fairwell message, I wont ever speak to you again as you dont want me there is no point blah blah blah.
I pick up the phone and try to resolve things, she immediately starts calling us all liers. "this isn't the way to build a relationship Mum" but she doesn't listen and continues to accuse us all of abandoning her and being deceitful. I try one last time to explain that she isn't being left out its just not happening so she starts calling me a bad daughter and saying she cant understand why i would let my dad down so badly.
I had to end the call as it was getting me so mad, one minute she would start talking about a nice thing then she would start crying and shouting at me.The emails and text continued throughout the night, I was hosting a dinner party for a few friends and in between courses I was in the bathroom holding back the tears trying to get a grip. The husband doing nothing but put me down and make light jokes at my frowny face despite hearing the early calls and being aware of the text messages.
I switch my phone off until Sunday morning a wake to even more messages via email and facebook, all insisting I was a lier. I send back an email making it clear that this has to stop, her behaviour wont be tolerated and I will no longer communicate with her at all unless seeks help.
No replies come until the evening and she forwards a spam funny, I reply with a curt "not interested, you haven't even acknowledged your ridiculous behaviour last night"
A one liner then appears "I'm Sorry" but its not enough, I need her to take responsibly for herself.
So today I'm ill, tonsillitis has struck again and I'm quite sure all this stress is what has me ill. Im so grateful of the care I have from YSL, soup and a shoulder to cry on has been given, along with warm cuddles.
The past couple of weeks have been hard. it started with being copied into a load of emails from my Mother to my Father, She wasnt aware he was abroad for a few days working and I was fending any urgent messages. The messages came in thick and fast, all very cruel and hurtful, trying to make out me and my brother didnt love him and inferred lots of untruths.
I jumped in the care and headed over, as I rang the door bell I knee to expect a drunk woman but instead nothing. no answer. I call her phone and hear the voicemail kick in and I can hear her shuffling in the hall way. I knock again and she continues to ignore. Frustrated and not sure what to do next I retire to my car to calm down and make a plan. More messages come through confirming she is in the house as its the only way she can access e-mail. I head back and knock again she ignores me and I wait for about 5mins and I catch her at the window trying to see if ive gone. Knowing the game was up she opened the door and slurred that she was alone and frightened to open the door.
I accussed her of being drunk and explain Im getting the messages, telling her to stop it. She wont listen and I can't rationalise with her in that state so I leave.
The next day she denies all knowledge and say she never opened the door because she never heard that or the phone as the electric was off. The lies continued to mount up. Mofre message are sent to Dad, this time about me and how Im being abusive to her and making out she is drunk.
Nothing is said for days, it was here birthday and the kids wanted her over for a party they had been planning, I bit my lip and made it clear she was only there so as not to upset the children. She took advantage trying to score visable caring points with an audience that ended with me having to get my dad to take her home early when she thought she would ask me to give her a birthday cuddle because the children where there.
2 weeks later after many emails from her trying to explain her behaviour with more layers of lies I go round to see her. Still unable to be truthful I make it clear that in order for us to have any relationship moving forward from now she must deal with her alcoholism. "I am" she says. when I enquired how the first answer was that Ive stopped drinking, "drink is no longer part of my life" I explain how I dont believe her that we've been down this road before and we know it doesnt work. Then she says shes been back to AA "how many times?" I ask, last week was the responce. I explan that its not enough but if she does start to make an effort I will be there to support her and we can look to rebuild a friendship, she just needs to keep me posted of what she is doing.
10days later I get a text "are we friends" im baffled and i know my dad and daughter have been to see her so I calll him to ask what its about, before I even get to speak with him there are 3 more texts in demanding to know if I am her friend or not. Turns out she interrogated the daughter and ask her about fathers day plans, Mum thinks she is being excluded from a family get together when in truth we arent doing one. Dad explains he has had a load of texts saying him and daughter are liers and mum had asked him if I was her friend or not, he had explained that as far as he was aware things were still unresloved and she should ask me.
My next message before I had replied to her was saying "Dad says you do not wish to be my daughter" then an email arrives with a fairwell message, I wont ever speak to you again as you dont want me there is no point blah blah blah.
I pick up the phone and try to resolve things, she immediately starts calling us all liers. "this isn't the way to build a relationship Mum" but she doesn't listen and continues to accuse us all of abandoning her and being deceitful. I try one last time to explain that she isn't being left out its just not happening so she starts calling me a bad daughter and saying she cant understand why i would let my dad down so badly.
I had to end the call as it was getting me so mad, one minute she would start talking about a nice thing then she would start crying and shouting at me.The emails and text continued throughout the night, I was hosting a dinner party for a few friends and in between courses I was in the bathroom holding back the tears trying to get a grip. The husband doing nothing but put me down and make light jokes at my frowny face despite hearing the early calls and being aware of the text messages.
I switch my phone off until Sunday morning a wake to even more messages via email and facebook, all insisting I was a lier. I send back an email making it clear that this has to stop, her behaviour wont be tolerated and I will no longer communicate with her at all unless seeks help.
No replies come until the evening and she forwards a spam funny, I reply with a curt "not interested, you haven't even acknowledged your ridiculous behaviour last night"
A one liner then appears "I'm Sorry" but its not enough, I need her to take responsibly for herself.
So today I'm ill, tonsillitis has struck again and I'm quite sure all this stress is what has me ill. Im so grateful of the care I have from YSL, soup and a shoulder to cry on has been given, along with warm cuddles.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
unwanted house guest and eviction
Last couple of weeks Mum has been living with us. Not really a choice I wanted to make but the house has sold and neither of their new places are ready yet and I couldn’t see her out on the street. Dad’s staying at a hotel and using my house like a hotel for food and laundry.
Since moving in Mum has been petty down obviously the losing the house and realisation of the separation sinking in. She was blind drunk the day she arrived but I decided to turn a blind eye to it as I had warned her if I catch her drinking at my place I wouldn’t hesitate to throw her out and I really wanted to give her a chance. Whilst it’s been emotionally draining and the house has been upside down, her stuff everywhere I was pleased our relationship was improving.
Then yesterday...
I got back from work early, I’ve been feeling unwell so I was heading to the Doctors. As I walked in the door the smell of cigarette smoke hit me and incensed me instantly. We don’t smoke and I don’t allow anyone to smoke in the house , a rule my mother is well aware of. I headed to the kitchen and my feet crunch on broken glass that is scatter throughout. The back door is unlocked and wide open but no sign of my mother. I head upstairs and the smell of smoke increases and so does my anger. The bathroom door was ajar and the sink full of ash where she had clearly been smoking.
She’s fast asleep in one of the kids bedrooms. There’s a bin next to the bed that she’s vomited in and missed it equally and the floor is covered. I just start screaming at her. I’m so angry, tears are running down my face and I can feel my fists clench. She can hardly speak and she keeps falling back asleep as I ask her why the fuck has she been smoking in my house. I storm out the room and go to calm down and await her coming to explain herself. She doesn’t come so I head back to see her before I’m late for my appointment but find her fast asleep and I can’t rouse her.
I go to my appointment and call Dad, we arrange to meet back at the house, I need help to deal with her. She’s fast asleep again, clearly too drunk to have a guilty conscience. Dad manages to wake her up and she denies smoking and drinking. I make her take a breathalyser and she fails it but she continues to say she hasn’t drank. As she sits up you can see she has vomited all over herself and the bed. I feel so hurt by her continuance to lie at this point, i give her one last chance to be honest and sort this out but she refuses. I tell her to pack and get out.
After reflecting and calming I decide to let her stay the night and move her out tomorrow as im frightened to leave her alone so drunk. But after hearing her trying to tell my son I was kicking her out for no reason I found a hotel down the road and Dad was taxis driver for her.
As she went out the house i was trying my best to hold the tears in and failing badly.
Today she still refuses to admit it, she has told me brother that I jut flew into a rage about a broken glass and threw her out, as ever it seems he believes her and his abusive messages don’t help with how I’m feeling.
Thankfully last night and tonight YSL has had open arms for me and offered me much comfort. Hopefully she will be in her own place by next week but I suspect that mean she will be smoking and drinking until her hearts’ content or stops.
Since moving in Mum has been petty down obviously the losing the house and realisation of the separation sinking in. She was blind drunk the day she arrived but I decided to turn a blind eye to it as I had warned her if I catch her drinking at my place I wouldn’t hesitate to throw her out and I really wanted to give her a chance. Whilst it’s been emotionally draining and the house has been upside down, her stuff everywhere I was pleased our relationship was improving.
Then yesterday...
I got back from work early, I’ve been feeling unwell so I was heading to the Doctors. As I walked in the door the smell of cigarette smoke hit me and incensed me instantly. We don’t smoke and I don’t allow anyone to smoke in the house , a rule my mother is well aware of. I headed to the kitchen and my feet crunch on broken glass that is scatter throughout. The back door is unlocked and wide open but no sign of my mother. I head upstairs and the smell of smoke increases and so does my anger. The bathroom door was ajar and the sink full of ash where she had clearly been smoking.
She’s fast asleep in one of the kids bedrooms. There’s a bin next to the bed that she’s vomited in and missed it equally and the floor is covered. I just start screaming at her. I’m so angry, tears are running down my face and I can feel my fists clench. She can hardly speak and she keeps falling back asleep as I ask her why the fuck has she been smoking in my house. I storm out the room and go to calm down and await her coming to explain herself. She doesn’t come so I head back to see her before I’m late for my appointment but find her fast asleep and I can’t rouse her.
I go to my appointment and call Dad, we arrange to meet back at the house, I need help to deal with her. She’s fast asleep again, clearly too drunk to have a guilty conscience. Dad manages to wake her up and she denies smoking and drinking. I make her take a breathalyser and she fails it but she continues to say she hasn’t drank. As she sits up you can see she has vomited all over herself and the bed. I feel so hurt by her continuance to lie at this point, i give her one last chance to be honest and sort this out but she refuses. I tell her to pack and get out.
After reflecting and calming I decide to let her stay the night and move her out tomorrow as im frightened to leave her alone so drunk. But after hearing her trying to tell my son I was kicking her out for no reason I found a hotel down the road and Dad was taxis driver for her.
As she went out the house i was trying my best to hold the tears in and failing badly.
Today she still refuses to admit it, she has told me brother that I jut flew into a rage about a broken glass and threw her out, as ever it seems he believes her and his abusive messages don’t help with how I’m feeling.
Thankfully last night and tonight YSL has had open arms for me and offered me much comfort. Hopefully she will be in her own place by next week but I suspect that mean she will be smoking and drinking until her hearts’ content or stops.
Friday, 13 January 2012
Sorry, been a while...
Been meaning to post an update for a while but not had the chance or wished to dwell to much on stuff recently. Needing to keep moving forward and focus on positives as much as I can.
Been hard over last few weeks as mum is drinking more than ever and is on such a downward spiral and trying to take as many relationships with her as possible. It's so hard to see as I know the outcome will be her so lonely at the end.
Officially not speaking with brother, can't say this is a disappointment but I am pleased that its due to him being a petulant self centred arse and it's evident to all. After him preaching that me and dad didn't know what we were doing with mum and that he would look after her he has, after a brief moment of care decided it isn't positive for his family to have mum there, really? Was that not what I was saying?
Hubby is still being an arse, highlighted so perfectly on my birthday he did nothing, gave nothing, said nothing, Xmas day after opening thoughtful gifts from me he offered up the packet of men's socks. I feel like its a metaphor for our relationship.
On a happy note... YSL is filling in the blanks, he is keeping me happy, being such a good friend and bring there for me, allowing me to be a good mum and keep smiling.
Been hard over last few weeks as mum is drinking more than ever and is on such a downward spiral and trying to take as many relationships with her as possible. It's so hard to see as I know the outcome will be her so lonely at the end.
Officially not speaking with brother, can't say this is a disappointment but I am pleased that its due to him being a petulant self centred arse and it's evident to all. After him preaching that me and dad didn't know what we were doing with mum and that he would look after her he has, after a brief moment of care decided it isn't positive for his family to have mum there, really? Was that not what I was saying?
Hubby is still being an arse, highlighted so perfectly on my birthday he did nothing, gave nothing, said nothing, Xmas day after opening thoughtful gifts from me he offered up the packet of men's socks. I feel like its a metaphor for our relationship.
On a happy note... YSL is filling in the blanks, he is keeping me happy, being such a good friend and bring there for me, allowing me to be a good mum and keep smiling.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
4th day of Mum being drunk, so tired of it all but now my brother after only 1 week of 'I will fix this as your failing' has washed his hands of it.
Their house has sold and looks like they will be out before Xmas which is great news for Dads sanity and health but I fear it means I'm going to have Mum to deal with, try and buy her a house and sort the moving. She's refusing to even look at the moment, adamant she will be dead so no house will be needed.
I'm at YSL's place, he will be home shortly, I can't face talking about all this, it's eaten my week already and we only have an hour or so together. I so need to be held.
Their house has sold and looks like they will be out before Xmas which is great news for Dads sanity and health but I fear it means I'm going to have Mum to deal with, try and buy her a house and sort the moving. She's refusing to even look at the moment, adamant she will be dead so no house will be needed.
I'm at YSL's place, he will be home shortly, I can't face talking about all this, it's eaten my week already and we only have an hour or so together. I so need to be held.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Never rains but it pours
The weekend was as bad as I expected. Brother was aggressive, argumentative and plain rude at every opportunity, right down to physically threatening.
Mum took the opportunity of an audience and played the part of devoted wife, reformed drinker and mother of the year. Brother left on Sunday and she dropped the act and went on the attack.
Monday morning she launched a scathing attack on Dad in front of the kids as they ate breakfast. Son was too engrossed in tv but daughter was quick to share her concerns when she walked in from school, curious as to why Gran was calling him such horrid names and if she would really kill him!
An hour later Mum is at doctors and that was when she went off radar. She was meant to be back for lunch and she didn't show, a few more hours pass and we're getting worried. As it got dark we notified the Police and I had the task of telling my brother.
No sooner had I sent the text she staggers through the door, to drunk to speak. I text brother back to say she was ok. His only reply was "I hate my family" such wonderful support.
I went round to mum and dads this morning to make it clear what ever is happening between them must not be aired in front of the kids or they will not be allowed over. I ask what happened yesterday but she denied being drunk but had a go for telling brother. I tell her I don't believe her and if she needs help I'm there for her but if she keeps drinking I'm walking away.
I leave and head to work satisfied I'd said my piece. Then I got the call, Brother, Mums drunk and can't find her way home, she's on a train or at a station. He berates me on the phone saying ive abandoned my mum, that what she needs is people around her that care. He tells me he has spoken to recovered alcoholics and what I'm doing is wrong and hurting her more adding to the problem. I bite and try to reply, I don't know why I bother, he does his usual thing and tells me not to attack him or be do defensive!!! He won't listen so after him telling me it will be my fault she's dead I hang up.
I walk out of my clients and drive to find her. I guessed right as I saw her stagger over the road. It even recognising my car as she nearly falls onto it.
I tell her to get in and she can't even operate the seatbelt.
She sees my dad and tries to open the car door as we are moving so drive on and I take her to my house and try to talk sense in to her and get her sober but she goes on the attack. She tells me Dads leaving her because of me, my influence over him and that he is trying to cover up a financial problem. I ask her do you think your drinking has anything to do with it? She says no, she only drink because of it.
The afternoon was full of accusation, I've listened and tried to calmly explain her misunderstandings. It was so hard not to scream at her.
She decides she's ready to go home and on the way tells me that next time she will throw herself under the train. My brain screamed "which station doing you want dropping at?" but I know I could live to regret such flippant words.
I'm so tired and emotionally drained, the tears keep appearing and I swallow them back. I do needed a friend today but know I have no one until Thursday I can talk to and that time will be too precious to ruin with tears.
Mum took the opportunity of an audience and played the part of devoted wife, reformed drinker and mother of the year. Brother left on Sunday and she dropped the act and went on the attack.
Monday morning she launched a scathing attack on Dad in front of the kids as they ate breakfast. Son was too engrossed in tv but daughter was quick to share her concerns when she walked in from school, curious as to why Gran was calling him such horrid names and if she would really kill him!
An hour later Mum is at doctors and that was when she went off radar. She was meant to be back for lunch and she didn't show, a few more hours pass and we're getting worried. As it got dark we notified the Police and I had the task of telling my brother.
No sooner had I sent the text she staggers through the door, to drunk to speak. I text brother back to say she was ok. His only reply was "I hate my family" such wonderful support.
I went round to mum and dads this morning to make it clear what ever is happening between them must not be aired in front of the kids or they will not be allowed over. I ask what happened yesterday but she denied being drunk but had a go for telling brother. I tell her I don't believe her and if she needs help I'm there for her but if she keeps drinking I'm walking away.
I leave and head to work satisfied I'd said my piece. Then I got the call, Brother, Mums drunk and can't find her way home, she's on a train or at a station. He berates me on the phone saying ive abandoned my mum, that what she needs is people around her that care. He tells me he has spoken to recovered alcoholics and what I'm doing is wrong and hurting her more adding to the problem. I bite and try to reply, I don't know why I bother, he does his usual thing and tells me not to attack him or be do defensive!!! He won't listen so after him telling me it will be my fault she's dead I hang up.
I walk out of my clients and drive to find her. I guessed right as I saw her stagger over the road. It even recognising my car as she nearly falls onto it.
I tell her to get in and she can't even operate the seatbelt.
She sees my dad and tries to open the car door as we are moving so drive on and I take her to my house and try to talk sense in to her and get her sober but she goes on the attack. She tells me Dads leaving her because of me, my influence over him and that he is trying to cover up a financial problem. I ask her do you think your drinking has anything to do with it? She says no, she only drink because of it.
The afternoon was full of accusation, I've listened and tried to calmly explain her misunderstandings. It was so hard not to scream at her.
She decides she's ready to go home and on the way tells me that next time she will throw herself under the train. My brain screamed "which station doing you want dropping at?" but I know I could live to regret such flippant words.
I'm so tired and emotionally drained, the tears keep appearing and I swallow them back. I do needed a friend today but know I have no one until Thursday I can talk to and that time will be too precious to ruin with tears.
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Frustrated
Sorry haven't posted over here in a while, been busy with work, family and falling in love.
Rest assured life is still mad, mother has ran away to other side of the world, this week Dad was burgled, hubby's car was broken in to and I found a lump.
Business as usual!
Off to hospital tomorrow for a biopsy, I'm sure it's nothing but still hard not to worry. The appointment was origionally last week but I had to move it. The night before the origional appointment YSL (my lover) messaged me telling me he would be thinking of me, letting me know he cares, hubby hasn't even asked how I got on and it's driving me mad that something that could be serious doesn't even concern him enough to check am I ok.
I've been there with a couple of my friends to do the hand holding and distracting while waiting for these appointments and whilst they know I'm there tomorrow there's no offer of a hand to hold from anyone.
My frustration isn't due to the gravity of the appointment, I've delt with greater problems and I'm not going to worry until there is something to worry about. It's down to how one way my relationships seem to be, me supporting them but no support or care reciprocated.
I asked a friend why once before and she said I always seem to cope so well and not seem bothered by stuff. Perhaps I put too much of a happy front on as today i feel like crumbling into a heap but I doubt anyone would guess.
Thankfully one person cares and does more than his fair share of being there for me these days.
Rest assured life is still mad, mother has ran away to other side of the world, this week Dad was burgled, hubby's car was broken in to and I found a lump.
Business as usual!
Off to hospital tomorrow for a biopsy, I'm sure it's nothing but still hard not to worry. The appointment was origionally last week but I had to move it. The night before the origional appointment YSL (my lover) messaged me telling me he would be thinking of me, letting me know he cares, hubby hasn't even asked how I got on and it's driving me mad that something that could be serious doesn't even concern him enough to check am I ok.
I've been there with a couple of my friends to do the hand holding and distracting while waiting for these appointments and whilst they know I'm there tomorrow there's no offer of a hand to hold from anyone.
My frustration isn't due to the gravity of the appointment, I've delt with greater problems and I'm not going to worry until there is something to worry about. It's down to how one way my relationships seem to be, me supporting them but no support or care reciprocated.
I asked a friend why once before and she said I always seem to cope so well and not seem bothered by stuff. Perhaps I put too much of a happy front on as today i feel like crumbling into a heap but I doubt anyone would guess.
Thankfully one person cares and does more than his fair share of being there for me these days.
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