Thursday, 6 June 2013
Ashes scattered and arseholeness
Too much on my plate again and not wishing to burden others around me, keeping a smile on my face instead.
the good news is Mum's ashes have finally been scattered in the garden of remembrance.Its taken nearly a year to get the family to agree and on her birthday My brother finally agreed to let it happen. I had wanted it to be done for then but at least its done now.
Mum's place has been sold and disliking the splurge on a new car and holiday with the girl friend by Dad. I know its his money now but I feel like he has no regard for others and even referring to them as well earned treats.
Dad is spending so much time with the girlfriend and only seeing the children as the exception. Last week I had to bite me tongue when he announced he would see the kids Friday as the GF was busy. The eldest is finding it hard, small details like his screen saver changing to being GF and not attending events, performances etc that previously he would never miss is starting to drive a rift.
My brother is at the height of his arseholeness. Turns out he has hacked Dads email account and read emails from me and dad and taken exception to what has been written whilst wont taken any criticism for breaching dads privacy!I of course am shouldering the blame from his point of view.
Eldest child has also had an accident that whilst nothing serious means an operation tomorrow which is causing them great anxiety and worry over. Wishing it could of been an immediate op but instead we are having to wait for an infection to clear first. For those of you with children I'm sure you can appreciate the anxiety, worry and want to wrap them up and make everything better. instead I'm having to smile and hand out the pain killers, keep them distracted and not show I'm so worried.
The husband is playing his usual unhelpful self. Its like managing another child which I could so do without at the moment.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Valentines
It's a hard day for me as I feel on high guard all day. The expectations of love and passion seem to creep in to the husbands mind despite the baron relationship that exists the other 354 days of the year. It started this morning with a card, it's huge and full of false sentiment, it underlines everything that is lacking in our daily lives. The usual pain of finding a card to exchange started weeks ago for me but for all the searching I couldn't find one that said "how the hell did we survive another year?".
He asked what are we doing for valentines night on Tuesday, my honest answer was 'I'm not sure I will let you know what time I'm home after though'. My selfish plans to avoid being home though have been stopped when my youngest said "I'm going to miss my special night out with Gran this year, I hope she has a special night In heaven" promptly followed by "where shall I send her card?". Needless to say my eyes filled and spilled down my cheeks a mixture of sadness and pride swelled inside and has stayed with me all day. Tonight I'm spending a night loving the children.
I'm left feeling fragile, I feel like a good sob might do me the world of good but I can't let go. I'm frustrated by feeling emotionally weak. I need to be held, loved and feel I can let it all out without being told how I'm over reacting.
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Since Mum died
I've neglected this blog but for good reason. For a while after Mum dying I was struggling to come to terms with my emotions around it all. The mixture of guilt, anger and grief was overwhelming and I needed to work it out.
Dad didn't shed a tear until the funeral day and Im pleased he finally did, his glazed exterior and pretending he didn't care only hurt but I could see he was just coping in his own way.
Funeral day was awful but the moment it was over I felt a sense of relief, I suppose in one respect I was just relieved it all went well and day managed a fitting tribute to the woman I want to remember, not the drunk that died. My brother told me to stop crying and making a seen but I ignored and embraced the outpouring of what had been eating me up for years.
The guilt I felt was the hardest to deal with as it was the fact it was over, no more having to check if she was alive, deal with the police, the abusive message and the other emails I was getting were wearing on me.
Her last message was "i will always love you all even though you don't want me" it breaks my heart even to read that today I love her dearly and if I hadn't I would of walked away years ago and done without the pain.
The anger was why the hell did she not just stop, something every person who deals with an addict must feel. up til she died she was pretending to go to AA, the dishonesty was even fooling herself.
The grief is still raw, whilst the tears are less now externally at times they choke me inside. After 2 weeks I was sat in the living room and a picture of Mum rotated on the digital picture frame tears ran down my face as I recollected the happy day. The Husband suggested I should see a doctor as I was clearly deeply depress and not coping which set me worrying that perhaps I don't see it? I messaged YSL and checked on my mental status and received reassurance that I'm ok and just grieving normally.
Throughout all of this YSL has been amazing, the husband has had his moments but perhaps his lack of experience in losing a parent has him at a disadvantage and unable to quantify the loss felt.
The kids have been such a source of joy the past few months and given me something to focus on outside of work. I think Christmas will be the hardest hurdle left as she will be missed by the children and me.
Will try and update again more often i promise! xxx
Dad didn't shed a tear until the funeral day and Im pleased he finally did, his glazed exterior and pretending he didn't care only hurt but I could see he was just coping in his own way.
Funeral day was awful but the moment it was over I felt a sense of relief, I suppose in one respect I was just relieved it all went well and day managed a fitting tribute to the woman I want to remember, not the drunk that died. My brother told me to stop crying and making a seen but I ignored and embraced the outpouring of what had been eating me up for years.
The guilt I felt was the hardest to deal with as it was the fact it was over, no more having to check if she was alive, deal with the police, the abusive message and the other emails I was getting were wearing on me.
Her last message was "i will always love you all even though you don't want me" it breaks my heart even to read that today I love her dearly and if I hadn't I would of walked away years ago and done without the pain.
The anger was why the hell did she not just stop, something every person who deals with an addict must feel. up til she died she was pretending to go to AA, the dishonesty was even fooling herself.
The grief is still raw, whilst the tears are less now externally at times they choke me inside. After 2 weeks I was sat in the living room and a picture of Mum rotated on the digital picture frame tears ran down my face as I recollected the happy day. The Husband suggested I should see a doctor as I was clearly deeply depress and not coping which set me worrying that perhaps I don't see it? I messaged YSL and checked on my mental status and received reassurance that I'm ok and just grieving normally.
Throughout all of this YSL has been amazing, the husband has had his moments but perhaps his lack of experience in losing a parent has him at a disadvantage and unable to quantify the loss felt.
The kids have been such a source of joy the past few months and given me something to focus on outside of work. I think Christmas will be the hardest hurdle left as she will be missed by the children and me.
Will try and update again more often i promise! xxx
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Sad beyond belief
I was worried because she hadn't returned any calls and wasn't answering the door, my deepest fears were right. Today the drink took too much, Mum was lay of the floor, cold, white, a bottle in reaching distance and dead.
I'm so angry, my last conversation was a mixed one, full of argument about her drinking, her accusing me as being the reason Dad is wanting a divorce , empty promises and lies about going to AA. I told her about the good stuff happening as well, the children's achievements, awards at school and holiday plans, begging her to look after herself but the call ended on her blaming me for Dad leaving her.
I just wish she was in a state of mind to know I loved her so much, if I hadn't I would of walked away from the pain of coping with her alcoholism years ago.
I'm so angry, my last conversation was a mixed one, full of argument about her drinking, her accusing me as being the reason Dad is wanting a divorce , empty promises and lies about going to AA. I told her about the good stuff happening as well, the children's achievements, awards at school and holiday plans, begging her to look after herself but the call ended on her blaming me for Dad leaving her.
I just wish she was in a state of mind to know I loved her so much, if I hadn't I would of walked away from the pain of coping with her alcoholism years ago.
Monday, 18 June 2012
A tad stressed and in need of a hug
Its been a while since Ive posted on here, not because I havent had stuff to write about but just had so much great stuff to put down Ive focused on all that.
The past couple of weeks have been hard. it started with being copied into a load of emails from my Mother to my Father, She wasnt aware he was abroad for a few days working and I was fending any urgent messages. The messages came in thick and fast, all very cruel and hurtful, trying to make out me and my brother didnt love him and inferred lots of untruths.
I jumped in the care and headed over, as I rang the door bell I knee to expect a drunk woman but instead nothing. no answer. I call her phone and hear the voicemail kick in and I can hear her shuffling in the hall way. I knock again and she continues to ignore. Frustrated and not sure what to do next I retire to my car to calm down and make a plan. More messages come through confirming she is in the house as its the only way she can access e-mail. I head back and knock again she ignores me and I wait for about 5mins and I catch her at the window trying to see if ive gone. Knowing the game was up she opened the door and slurred that she was alone and frightened to open the door.
I accussed her of being drunk and explain Im getting the messages, telling her to stop it. She wont listen and I can't rationalise with her in that state so I leave.
The next day she denies all knowledge and say she never opened the door because she never heard that or the phone as the electric was off. The lies continued to mount up. Mofre message are sent to Dad, this time about me and how Im being abusive to her and making out she is drunk.
Nothing is said for days, it was here birthday and the kids wanted her over for a party they had been planning, I bit my lip and made it clear she was only there so as not to upset the children. She took advantage trying to score visable caring points with an audience that ended with me having to get my dad to take her home early when she thought she would ask me to give her a birthday cuddle because the children where there.
2 weeks later after many emails from her trying to explain her behaviour with more layers of lies I go round to see her. Still unable to be truthful I make it clear that in order for us to have any relationship moving forward from now she must deal with her alcoholism. "I am" she says. when I enquired how the first answer was that Ive stopped drinking, "drink is no longer part of my life" I explain how I dont believe her that we've been down this road before and we know it doesnt work. Then she says shes been back to AA "how many times?" I ask, last week was the responce. I explan that its not enough but if she does start to make an effort I will be there to support her and we can look to rebuild a friendship, she just needs to keep me posted of what she is doing.
10days later I get a text "are we friends" im baffled and i know my dad and daughter have been to see her so I calll him to ask what its about, before I even get to speak with him there are 3 more texts in demanding to know if I am her friend or not. Turns out she interrogated the daughter and ask her about fathers day plans, Mum thinks she is being excluded from a family get together when in truth we arent doing one. Dad explains he has had a load of texts saying him and daughter are liers and mum had asked him if I was her friend or not, he had explained that as far as he was aware things were still unresloved and she should ask me.
My next message before I had replied to her was saying "Dad says you do not wish to be my daughter" then an email arrives with a fairwell message, I wont ever speak to you again as you dont want me there is no point blah blah blah.
I pick up the phone and try to resolve things, she immediately starts calling us all liers. "this isn't the way to build a relationship Mum" but she doesn't listen and continues to accuse us all of abandoning her and being deceitful. I try one last time to explain that she isn't being left out its just not happening so she starts calling me a bad daughter and saying she cant understand why i would let my dad down so badly.
I had to end the call as it was getting me so mad, one minute she would start talking about a nice thing then she would start crying and shouting at me.The emails and text continued throughout the night, I was hosting a dinner party for a few friends and in between courses I was in the bathroom holding back the tears trying to get a grip. The husband doing nothing but put me down and make light jokes at my frowny face despite hearing the early calls and being aware of the text messages.
I switch my phone off until Sunday morning a wake to even more messages via email and facebook, all insisting I was a lier. I send back an email making it clear that this has to stop, her behaviour wont be tolerated and I will no longer communicate with her at all unless seeks help.
No replies come until the evening and she forwards a spam funny, I reply with a curt "not interested, you haven't even acknowledged your ridiculous behaviour last night"
A one liner then appears "I'm Sorry" but its not enough, I need her to take responsibly for herself.
So today I'm ill, tonsillitis has struck again and I'm quite sure all this stress is what has me ill. Im so grateful of the care I have from YSL, soup and a shoulder to cry on has been given, along with warm cuddles.
The past couple of weeks have been hard. it started with being copied into a load of emails from my Mother to my Father, She wasnt aware he was abroad for a few days working and I was fending any urgent messages. The messages came in thick and fast, all very cruel and hurtful, trying to make out me and my brother didnt love him and inferred lots of untruths.
I jumped in the care and headed over, as I rang the door bell I knee to expect a drunk woman but instead nothing. no answer. I call her phone and hear the voicemail kick in and I can hear her shuffling in the hall way. I knock again and she continues to ignore. Frustrated and not sure what to do next I retire to my car to calm down and make a plan. More messages come through confirming she is in the house as its the only way she can access e-mail. I head back and knock again she ignores me and I wait for about 5mins and I catch her at the window trying to see if ive gone. Knowing the game was up she opened the door and slurred that she was alone and frightened to open the door.
I accussed her of being drunk and explain Im getting the messages, telling her to stop it. She wont listen and I can't rationalise with her in that state so I leave.
The next day she denies all knowledge and say she never opened the door because she never heard that or the phone as the electric was off. The lies continued to mount up. Mofre message are sent to Dad, this time about me and how Im being abusive to her and making out she is drunk.
Nothing is said for days, it was here birthday and the kids wanted her over for a party they had been planning, I bit my lip and made it clear she was only there so as not to upset the children. She took advantage trying to score visable caring points with an audience that ended with me having to get my dad to take her home early when she thought she would ask me to give her a birthday cuddle because the children where there.
2 weeks later after many emails from her trying to explain her behaviour with more layers of lies I go round to see her. Still unable to be truthful I make it clear that in order for us to have any relationship moving forward from now she must deal with her alcoholism. "I am" she says. when I enquired how the first answer was that Ive stopped drinking, "drink is no longer part of my life" I explain how I dont believe her that we've been down this road before and we know it doesnt work. Then she says shes been back to AA "how many times?" I ask, last week was the responce. I explan that its not enough but if she does start to make an effort I will be there to support her and we can look to rebuild a friendship, she just needs to keep me posted of what she is doing.
10days later I get a text "are we friends" im baffled and i know my dad and daughter have been to see her so I calll him to ask what its about, before I even get to speak with him there are 3 more texts in demanding to know if I am her friend or not. Turns out she interrogated the daughter and ask her about fathers day plans, Mum thinks she is being excluded from a family get together when in truth we arent doing one. Dad explains he has had a load of texts saying him and daughter are liers and mum had asked him if I was her friend or not, he had explained that as far as he was aware things were still unresloved and she should ask me.
My next message before I had replied to her was saying "Dad says you do not wish to be my daughter" then an email arrives with a fairwell message, I wont ever speak to you again as you dont want me there is no point blah blah blah.
I pick up the phone and try to resolve things, she immediately starts calling us all liers. "this isn't the way to build a relationship Mum" but she doesn't listen and continues to accuse us all of abandoning her and being deceitful. I try one last time to explain that she isn't being left out its just not happening so she starts calling me a bad daughter and saying she cant understand why i would let my dad down so badly.
I had to end the call as it was getting me so mad, one minute she would start talking about a nice thing then she would start crying and shouting at me.The emails and text continued throughout the night, I was hosting a dinner party for a few friends and in between courses I was in the bathroom holding back the tears trying to get a grip. The husband doing nothing but put me down and make light jokes at my frowny face despite hearing the early calls and being aware of the text messages.
I switch my phone off until Sunday morning a wake to even more messages via email and facebook, all insisting I was a lier. I send back an email making it clear that this has to stop, her behaviour wont be tolerated and I will no longer communicate with her at all unless seeks help.
No replies come until the evening and she forwards a spam funny, I reply with a curt "not interested, you haven't even acknowledged your ridiculous behaviour last night"
A one liner then appears "I'm Sorry" but its not enough, I need her to take responsibly for herself.
So today I'm ill, tonsillitis has struck again and I'm quite sure all this stress is what has me ill. Im so grateful of the care I have from YSL, soup and a shoulder to cry on has been given, along with warm cuddles.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
unwanted house guest and eviction
Last couple of weeks Mum has been living with us. Not really a choice I wanted to make but the house has sold and neither of their new places are ready yet and I couldn’t see her out on the street. Dad’s staying at a hotel and using my house like a hotel for food and laundry.
Since moving in Mum has been petty down obviously the losing the house and realisation of the separation sinking in. She was blind drunk the day she arrived but I decided to turn a blind eye to it as I had warned her if I catch her drinking at my place I wouldn’t hesitate to throw her out and I really wanted to give her a chance. Whilst it’s been emotionally draining and the house has been upside down, her stuff everywhere I was pleased our relationship was improving.
Then yesterday...
I got back from work early, I’ve been feeling unwell so I was heading to the Doctors. As I walked in the door the smell of cigarette smoke hit me and incensed me instantly. We don’t smoke and I don’t allow anyone to smoke in the house , a rule my mother is well aware of. I headed to the kitchen and my feet crunch on broken glass that is scatter throughout. The back door is unlocked and wide open but no sign of my mother. I head upstairs and the smell of smoke increases and so does my anger. The bathroom door was ajar and the sink full of ash where she had clearly been smoking.
She’s fast asleep in one of the kids bedrooms. There’s a bin next to the bed that she’s vomited in and missed it equally and the floor is covered. I just start screaming at her. I’m so angry, tears are running down my face and I can feel my fists clench. She can hardly speak and she keeps falling back asleep as I ask her why the fuck has she been smoking in my house. I storm out the room and go to calm down and await her coming to explain herself. She doesn’t come so I head back to see her before I’m late for my appointment but find her fast asleep and I can’t rouse her.
I go to my appointment and call Dad, we arrange to meet back at the house, I need help to deal with her. She’s fast asleep again, clearly too drunk to have a guilty conscience. Dad manages to wake her up and she denies smoking and drinking. I make her take a breathalyser and she fails it but she continues to say she hasn’t drank. As she sits up you can see she has vomited all over herself and the bed. I feel so hurt by her continuance to lie at this point, i give her one last chance to be honest and sort this out but she refuses. I tell her to pack and get out.
After reflecting and calming I decide to let her stay the night and move her out tomorrow as im frightened to leave her alone so drunk. But after hearing her trying to tell my son I was kicking her out for no reason I found a hotel down the road and Dad was taxis driver for her.
As she went out the house i was trying my best to hold the tears in and failing badly.
Today she still refuses to admit it, she has told me brother that I jut flew into a rage about a broken glass and threw her out, as ever it seems he believes her and his abusive messages don’t help with how I’m feeling.
Thankfully last night and tonight YSL has had open arms for me and offered me much comfort. Hopefully she will be in her own place by next week but I suspect that mean she will be smoking and drinking until her hearts’ content or stops.
Since moving in Mum has been petty down obviously the losing the house and realisation of the separation sinking in. She was blind drunk the day she arrived but I decided to turn a blind eye to it as I had warned her if I catch her drinking at my place I wouldn’t hesitate to throw her out and I really wanted to give her a chance. Whilst it’s been emotionally draining and the house has been upside down, her stuff everywhere I was pleased our relationship was improving.
Then yesterday...
I got back from work early, I’ve been feeling unwell so I was heading to the Doctors. As I walked in the door the smell of cigarette smoke hit me and incensed me instantly. We don’t smoke and I don’t allow anyone to smoke in the house , a rule my mother is well aware of. I headed to the kitchen and my feet crunch on broken glass that is scatter throughout. The back door is unlocked and wide open but no sign of my mother. I head upstairs and the smell of smoke increases and so does my anger. The bathroom door was ajar and the sink full of ash where she had clearly been smoking.
She’s fast asleep in one of the kids bedrooms. There’s a bin next to the bed that she’s vomited in and missed it equally and the floor is covered. I just start screaming at her. I’m so angry, tears are running down my face and I can feel my fists clench. She can hardly speak and she keeps falling back asleep as I ask her why the fuck has she been smoking in my house. I storm out the room and go to calm down and await her coming to explain herself. She doesn’t come so I head back to see her before I’m late for my appointment but find her fast asleep and I can’t rouse her.
I go to my appointment and call Dad, we arrange to meet back at the house, I need help to deal with her. She’s fast asleep again, clearly too drunk to have a guilty conscience. Dad manages to wake her up and she denies smoking and drinking. I make her take a breathalyser and she fails it but she continues to say she hasn’t drank. As she sits up you can see she has vomited all over herself and the bed. I feel so hurt by her continuance to lie at this point, i give her one last chance to be honest and sort this out but she refuses. I tell her to pack and get out.
After reflecting and calming I decide to let her stay the night and move her out tomorrow as im frightened to leave her alone so drunk. But after hearing her trying to tell my son I was kicking her out for no reason I found a hotel down the road and Dad was taxis driver for her.
As she went out the house i was trying my best to hold the tears in and failing badly.
Today she still refuses to admit it, she has told me brother that I jut flew into a rage about a broken glass and threw her out, as ever it seems he believes her and his abusive messages don’t help with how I’m feeling.
Thankfully last night and tonight YSL has had open arms for me and offered me much comfort. Hopefully she will be in her own place by next week but I suspect that mean she will be smoking and drinking until her hearts’ content or stops.
Friday, 13 January 2012
Sorry, been a while...
Been meaning to post an update for a while but not had the chance or wished to dwell to much on stuff recently. Needing to keep moving forward and focus on positives as much as I can.
Been hard over last few weeks as mum is drinking more than ever and is on such a downward spiral and trying to take as many relationships with her as possible. It's so hard to see as I know the outcome will be her so lonely at the end.
Officially not speaking with brother, can't say this is a disappointment but I am pleased that its due to him being a petulant self centred arse and it's evident to all. After him preaching that me and dad didn't know what we were doing with mum and that he would look after her he has, after a brief moment of care decided it isn't positive for his family to have mum there, really? Was that not what I was saying?
Hubby is still being an arse, highlighted so perfectly on my birthday he did nothing, gave nothing, said nothing, Xmas day after opening thoughtful gifts from me he offered up the packet of men's socks. I feel like its a metaphor for our relationship.
On a happy note... YSL is filling in the blanks, he is keeping me happy, being such a good friend and bring there for me, allowing me to be a good mum and keep smiling.
Been hard over last few weeks as mum is drinking more than ever and is on such a downward spiral and trying to take as many relationships with her as possible. It's so hard to see as I know the outcome will be her so lonely at the end.
Officially not speaking with brother, can't say this is a disappointment but I am pleased that its due to him being a petulant self centred arse and it's evident to all. After him preaching that me and dad didn't know what we were doing with mum and that he would look after her he has, after a brief moment of care decided it isn't positive for his family to have mum there, really? Was that not what I was saying?
Hubby is still being an arse, highlighted so perfectly on my birthday he did nothing, gave nothing, said nothing, Xmas day after opening thoughtful gifts from me he offered up the packet of men's socks. I feel like its a metaphor for our relationship.
On a happy note... YSL is filling in the blanks, he is keeping me happy, being such a good friend and bring there for me, allowing me to be a good mum and keep smiling.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
4th day of Mum being drunk, so tired of it all but now my brother after only 1 week of 'I will fix this as your failing' has washed his hands of it.
Their house has sold and looks like they will be out before Xmas which is great news for Dads sanity and health but I fear it means I'm going to have Mum to deal with, try and buy her a house and sort the moving. She's refusing to even look at the moment, adamant she will be dead so no house will be needed.
I'm at YSL's place, he will be home shortly, I can't face talking about all this, it's eaten my week already and we only have an hour or so together. I so need to be held.
Their house has sold and looks like they will be out before Xmas which is great news for Dads sanity and health but I fear it means I'm going to have Mum to deal with, try and buy her a house and sort the moving. She's refusing to even look at the moment, adamant she will be dead so no house will be needed.
I'm at YSL's place, he will be home shortly, I can't face talking about all this, it's eaten my week already and we only have an hour or so together. I so need to be held.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Never rains but it pours
The weekend was as bad as I expected. Brother was aggressive, argumentative and plain rude at every opportunity, right down to physically threatening.
Mum took the opportunity of an audience and played the part of devoted wife, reformed drinker and mother of the year. Brother left on Sunday and she dropped the act and went on the attack.
Monday morning she launched a scathing attack on Dad in front of the kids as they ate breakfast. Son was too engrossed in tv but daughter was quick to share her concerns when she walked in from school, curious as to why Gran was calling him such horrid names and if she would really kill him!
An hour later Mum is at doctors and that was when she went off radar. She was meant to be back for lunch and she didn't show, a few more hours pass and we're getting worried. As it got dark we notified the Police and I had the task of telling my brother.
No sooner had I sent the text she staggers through the door, to drunk to speak. I text brother back to say she was ok. His only reply was "I hate my family" such wonderful support.
I went round to mum and dads this morning to make it clear what ever is happening between them must not be aired in front of the kids or they will not be allowed over. I ask what happened yesterday but she denied being drunk but had a go for telling brother. I tell her I don't believe her and if she needs help I'm there for her but if she keeps drinking I'm walking away.
I leave and head to work satisfied I'd said my piece. Then I got the call, Brother, Mums drunk and can't find her way home, she's on a train or at a station. He berates me on the phone saying ive abandoned my mum, that what she needs is people around her that care. He tells me he has spoken to recovered alcoholics and what I'm doing is wrong and hurting her more adding to the problem. I bite and try to reply, I don't know why I bother, he does his usual thing and tells me not to attack him or be do defensive!!! He won't listen so after him telling me it will be my fault she's dead I hang up.
I walk out of my clients and drive to find her. I guessed right as I saw her stagger over the road. It even recognising my car as she nearly falls onto it.
I tell her to get in and she can't even operate the seatbelt.
She sees my dad and tries to open the car door as we are moving so drive on and I take her to my house and try to talk sense in to her and get her sober but she goes on the attack. She tells me Dads leaving her because of me, my influence over him and that he is trying to cover up a financial problem. I ask her do you think your drinking has anything to do with it? She says no, she only drink because of it.
The afternoon was full of accusation, I've listened and tried to calmly explain her misunderstandings. It was so hard not to scream at her.
She decides she's ready to go home and on the way tells me that next time she will throw herself under the train. My brain screamed "which station doing you want dropping at?" but I know I could live to regret such flippant words.
I'm so tired and emotionally drained, the tears keep appearing and I swallow them back. I do needed a friend today but know I have no one until Thursday I can talk to and that time will be too precious to ruin with tears.
Mum took the opportunity of an audience and played the part of devoted wife, reformed drinker and mother of the year. Brother left on Sunday and she dropped the act and went on the attack.
Monday morning she launched a scathing attack on Dad in front of the kids as they ate breakfast. Son was too engrossed in tv but daughter was quick to share her concerns when she walked in from school, curious as to why Gran was calling him such horrid names and if she would really kill him!
An hour later Mum is at doctors and that was when she went off radar. She was meant to be back for lunch and she didn't show, a few more hours pass and we're getting worried. As it got dark we notified the Police and I had the task of telling my brother.
No sooner had I sent the text she staggers through the door, to drunk to speak. I text brother back to say she was ok. His only reply was "I hate my family" such wonderful support.
I went round to mum and dads this morning to make it clear what ever is happening between them must not be aired in front of the kids or they will not be allowed over. I ask what happened yesterday but she denied being drunk but had a go for telling brother. I tell her I don't believe her and if she needs help I'm there for her but if she keeps drinking I'm walking away.
I leave and head to work satisfied I'd said my piece. Then I got the call, Brother, Mums drunk and can't find her way home, she's on a train or at a station. He berates me on the phone saying ive abandoned my mum, that what she needs is people around her that care. He tells me he has spoken to recovered alcoholics and what I'm doing is wrong and hurting her more adding to the problem. I bite and try to reply, I don't know why I bother, he does his usual thing and tells me not to attack him or be do defensive!!! He won't listen so after him telling me it will be my fault she's dead I hang up.
I walk out of my clients and drive to find her. I guessed right as I saw her stagger over the road. It even recognising my car as she nearly falls onto it.
I tell her to get in and she can't even operate the seatbelt.
She sees my dad and tries to open the car door as we are moving so drive on and I take her to my house and try to talk sense in to her and get her sober but she goes on the attack. She tells me Dads leaving her because of me, my influence over him and that he is trying to cover up a financial problem. I ask her do you think your drinking has anything to do with it? She says no, she only drink because of it.
The afternoon was full of accusation, I've listened and tried to calmly explain her misunderstandings. It was so hard not to scream at her.
She decides she's ready to go home and on the way tells me that next time she will throw herself under the train. My brain screamed "which station doing you want dropping at?" but I know I could live to regret such flippant words.
I'm so tired and emotionally drained, the tears keep appearing and I swallow them back. I do needed a friend today but know I have no one until Thursday I can talk to and that time will be too precious to ruin with tears.
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Frustrated
Sorry haven't posted over here in a while, been busy with work, family and falling in love.
Rest assured life is still mad, mother has ran away to other side of the world, this week Dad was burgled, hubby's car was broken in to and I found a lump.
Business as usual!
Off to hospital tomorrow for a biopsy, I'm sure it's nothing but still hard not to worry. The appointment was origionally last week but I had to move it. The night before the origional appointment YSL (my lover) messaged me telling me he would be thinking of me, letting me know he cares, hubby hasn't even asked how I got on and it's driving me mad that something that could be serious doesn't even concern him enough to check am I ok.
I've been there with a couple of my friends to do the hand holding and distracting while waiting for these appointments and whilst they know I'm there tomorrow there's no offer of a hand to hold from anyone.
My frustration isn't due to the gravity of the appointment, I've delt with greater problems and I'm not going to worry until there is something to worry about. It's down to how one way my relationships seem to be, me supporting them but no support or care reciprocated.
I asked a friend why once before and she said I always seem to cope so well and not seem bothered by stuff. Perhaps I put too much of a happy front on as today i feel like crumbling into a heap but I doubt anyone would guess.
Thankfully one person cares and does more than his fair share of being there for me these days.
Rest assured life is still mad, mother has ran away to other side of the world, this week Dad was burgled, hubby's car was broken in to and I found a lump.
Business as usual!
Off to hospital tomorrow for a biopsy, I'm sure it's nothing but still hard not to worry. The appointment was origionally last week but I had to move it. The night before the origional appointment YSL (my lover) messaged me telling me he would be thinking of me, letting me know he cares, hubby hasn't even asked how I got on and it's driving me mad that something that could be serious doesn't even concern him enough to check am I ok.
I've been there with a couple of my friends to do the hand holding and distracting while waiting for these appointments and whilst they know I'm there tomorrow there's no offer of a hand to hold from anyone.
My frustration isn't due to the gravity of the appointment, I've delt with greater problems and I'm not going to worry until there is something to worry about. It's down to how one way my relationships seem to be, me supporting them but no support or care reciprocated.
I asked a friend why once before and she said I always seem to cope so well and not seem bothered by stuff. Perhaps I put too much of a happy front on as today i feel like crumbling into a heap but I doubt anyone would guess.
Thankfully one person cares and does more than his fair share of being there for me these days.
Monday, 3 October 2011
This morning
The paramedics refused to take her to hospital, they suggested Dad left the house, she was as much a danger to him there as she is herself.
He stayed at mine and with 10minutes of him arriving the phones started. Drunk messages being left on house phones and mobiles. At about 12:30am my mobile goes and it's my brother this time. Mums rang him and told him Dads walked out, she's too drunk to comprehend that they are already separated just living in the same house also too drunk to realise she was letting my brother know she was drunk.
He starts yelling at me, I tell him '1 minute' I needed to get out of the bed which was easier said then done as I had a not so small child in with me. I go to the office and answer him again and again I get "what the fuck is happening" I say it's late, mums drunk, dads hear what else do you want to know. It seems the drunk bit was a revelation to him he had as ever bought mums lies and thinks me and Dad are conspiring.
I wake dad and I whisk I hadn't because for the next 30 minutes I watch him cry on the phone while he tries to get a word in edge ways as my brother rants. He thinks we are all useless, he thinks we should drag her to AA and make her go, he is flying her down there and going to make her stop once and for all!
He just doesn't get that preventing her from drinking doesn't fix the problem, until she accepts she is an alcoholic and does it herself anything else is just vanity.
The calls continued until almost 3am and then sleep was in short supply as I worried most of the night what harm she might do to herself.
Today she is just aggressive and full of blame, I'm keeping out of the way, I'm not feeling I can deal with it other than being a support to Dad. Brother has sent tickets and she leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks of being watched and taken to AA daily, she doesn't know it yet.
He stayed at mine and with 10minutes of him arriving the phones started. Drunk messages being left on house phones and mobiles. At about 12:30am my mobile goes and it's my brother this time. Mums rang him and told him Dads walked out, she's too drunk to comprehend that they are already separated just living in the same house also too drunk to realise she was letting my brother know she was drunk.
He starts yelling at me, I tell him '1 minute' I needed to get out of the bed which was easier said then done as I had a not so small child in with me. I go to the office and answer him again and again I get "what the fuck is happening" I say it's late, mums drunk, dads hear what else do you want to know. It seems the drunk bit was a revelation to him he had as ever bought mums lies and thinks me and Dad are conspiring.
I wake dad and I whisk I hadn't because for the next 30 minutes I watch him cry on the phone while he tries to get a word in edge ways as my brother rants. He thinks we are all useless, he thinks we should drag her to AA and make her go, he is flying her down there and going to make her stop once and for all!
He just doesn't get that preventing her from drinking doesn't fix the problem, until she accepts she is an alcoholic and does it herself anything else is just vanity.
The calls continued until almost 3am and then sleep was in short supply as I worried most of the night what harm she might do to herself.
Today she is just aggressive and full of blame, I'm keeping out of the way, I'm not feeling I can deal with it other than being a support to Dad. Brother has sent tickets and she leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks of being watched and taken to AA daily, she doesn't know it yet.
Sunday, 2 October 2011
And again
A year and a day on.
It was dads birthday,the day the business closed, the day I saw my dad cry, the day I had my mother arrested for assaulting me and then had her sectioned.
So much has happened in a year but clearly nothing has changed, last week she swore on my children's lives she wasn't drunk, I didn't believe her but I held the guilt of the vague possibilty I might be wrong.
Right now I'm waiting to see if she will be admitted, arrested or committed, worse still refused treatment because she drunk.
She's tried to attack dad, he called from his bedroom scared and not knowing what to do for the best.
I think tonight is going to be a long night.
It was dads birthday,the day the business closed, the day I saw my dad cry, the day I had my mother arrested for assaulting me and then had her sectioned.
So much has happened in a year but clearly nothing has changed, last week she swore on my children's lives she wasn't drunk, I didn't believe her but I held the guilt of the vague possibilty I might be wrong.
Right now I'm waiting to see if she will be admitted, arrested or committed, worse still refused treatment because she drunk.
She's tried to attack dad, he called from his bedroom scared and not knowing what to do for the best.
I think tonight is going to be a long night.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
The last therapy session and some other stuff
It was awful, I was foolish to think that I might have got him to see some sense over the past few days.
The therapist asks how weve got on, "fine apart from she hasnt told me whats gone on in the last 2 sessions" he says, im shocked because we had and because he is making it sound like he was excluded not that he couldnt be arsed!
I politely point out I had, "remember I told you we had discussed the condom situtation" He then launches into t yes you had to drag it up again. "Im sick of hearing about it, Ive said I havent but thats not enough is it". I explain again like i had last week, I want to have a calm adult conversation about it, I wanted to include it into our relationship if we needed to.
"i think its more than fair to ask for reassurance and understanding of our relationship" I say confidently "however all you did was go on the attack and tell me all my short comings and how your family and friends dislike me and that my friends dont like me" He smiles and replies "I thought it was an appropriate time to get things off my chest and whilst the truth hurts you needed to hear it".
Im agast and the tears are pouring down my face by now, upset and anger mixed together. He goes off explaining to the therapist all my short comings, I just sit and listen, I wait until the moment is right and try and explain how out of context what he is saying. I dont need too, she already knows it and when he has finished she pionts out the obvious. I was right to of asked him, he was wrong to attack me and to persist over a week after. His main gripe is that I undermine and he said "bully" others. She tactfully points out that what he is doing could be seen as being a bully. That he was stiffling any honesty between us.
SHe asks how I feel, im crying so much, I cant believe what things he has said about me, i tell them both I feel that I wish i had never bothered, that in future Id rather suffer in silence than go through this. I sit up straight in my chair wipe the tears and say to him "the next time a light joke about your DIY hurts you in front of your friends consider how I felt the day you asked me to come and pick you up from town at 2am I was parked up and you snogging a woman in front your friends, you got in the car and joked about her being better than me, that hurts". He says "that was over a year ago now", "exactly the joke to your friend was 4years ago".
At this point you can see the therapist thinking she was ill equiped or trained to defuse the bomb.she rounded up the session and suggested we book more sessions.
We head to the car and he asks for a hug. "AT this moment I dont ven want you to touch me" I reply.
I drop him home and head out to the beach, I cant face the PA and my Dad that were already at the house. I sit on the beach trying to stop the tears, evntually I just give in to them and let them out.
Nothing much else has been said since then, he has booked more session but with a different therapist which I think means he doesnt like what this one has to say.
The week didnt improve much either, the PA resigned, I had to get the police out to deal with my car being blocked in and damaged by some charver idiots. My mother is being her usual manipulating self, Dad is ill with all the stress.
Thank goodness I have 2 amazing children that make me smile everyday (and a lover).
The therapist asks how weve got on, "fine apart from she hasnt told me whats gone on in the last 2 sessions" he says, im shocked because we had and because he is making it sound like he was excluded not that he couldnt be arsed!
I politely point out I had, "remember I told you we had discussed the condom situtation" He then launches into t yes you had to drag it up again. "Im sick of hearing about it, Ive said I havent but thats not enough is it". I explain again like i had last week, I want to have a calm adult conversation about it, I wanted to include it into our relationship if we needed to.
"i think its more than fair to ask for reassurance and understanding of our relationship" I say confidently "however all you did was go on the attack and tell me all my short comings and how your family and friends dislike me and that my friends dont like me" He smiles and replies "I thought it was an appropriate time to get things off my chest and whilst the truth hurts you needed to hear it".
Im agast and the tears are pouring down my face by now, upset and anger mixed together. He goes off explaining to the therapist all my short comings, I just sit and listen, I wait until the moment is right and try and explain how out of context what he is saying. I dont need too, she already knows it and when he has finished she pionts out the obvious. I was right to of asked him, he was wrong to attack me and to persist over a week after. His main gripe is that I undermine and he said "bully" others. She tactfully points out that what he is doing could be seen as being a bully. That he was stiffling any honesty between us.
SHe asks how I feel, im crying so much, I cant believe what things he has said about me, i tell them both I feel that I wish i had never bothered, that in future Id rather suffer in silence than go through this. I sit up straight in my chair wipe the tears and say to him "the next time a light joke about your DIY hurts you in front of your friends consider how I felt the day you asked me to come and pick you up from town at 2am I was parked up and you snogging a woman in front your friends, you got in the car and joked about her being better than me, that hurts". He says "that was over a year ago now", "exactly the joke to your friend was 4years ago".
At this point you can see the therapist thinking she was ill equiped or trained to defuse the bomb.she rounded up the session and suggested we book more sessions.
We head to the car and he asks for a hug. "AT this moment I dont ven want you to touch me" I reply.
I drop him home and head out to the beach, I cant face the PA and my Dad that were already at the house. I sit on the beach trying to stop the tears, evntually I just give in to them and let them out.
Nothing much else has been said since then, he has booked more session but with a different therapist which I think means he doesnt like what this one has to say.
The week didnt improve much either, the PA resigned, I had to get the police out to deal with my car being blocked in and damaged by some charver idiots. My mother is being her usual manipulating self, Dad is ill with all the stress.
Thank goodness I have 2 amazing children that make me smile everyday (and a lover).
Sunday, 24 July 2011
I'm not a nice person (apparently)
I pluck up the courage to address the condoms again, I'm really calm and explain how the dates don't add up and that we should discuss these things, if he is having sex we need to work out how that fits into our relationship. I just want to know what I'm dealing with, I have no judgement to cast upon him, o have no right to that.
He says he isn't and I'm honest saying I still have my doubts. He decides best defence is attack.
All of a sudden a barrage of faults are thrown at me. One stands out and hurts the most. He tells me I ridicule him in front of people, I ask how/when. He says I did it just today when I told our friend how he had spoken in a funny accent in France on holiday. I'm thrown as this was just humour, my sense of humour, I always share stories of things we have done that are worthy of a giggle, more often I'm the butt of my own jokes. He says he can't talk to me about everything for fear if being made a laughing stock???
I apologise and say it was never meant to hurtful just sharing a funny moment, I politely point out that he has done this too me on many occasion, shared that little too much info but I've seen the value in the laugh.
He moves on to say his friends think the same, that I have been demeaning to them. I'm shocked and as when, apparently his friend had asked my opinion some 4 years ago if a new hair cut would make him look younger... My reply "somewhere between bob and no on the hope scale" it was just a funny retort!
Also his family!!! Apparently his mother has never rested well since I said hubby was never happier than with a cloth and sone bleach... Does no body get sarcasm??
So I'm starting to worry maybe i am some horrible person, some narsisitic streak I can't see.
Then he tells me he can't understand why my best friend even puts up with me I'm so mean and horrid to her. I'm crying now. He says he has even heard her say she does know why she puts up with the crap from me. Oh my god I never realised. I feel so winded, I never thought my sense of humour was hurtful, hurting the people around me.
He asks "was I bullied as a child" he knows the answer to this and it hurts that he even has brought this up and I can't reply as it sounds like I agree with him and I don't believe that just because I was bullied does'nt make me a bully. I'm do choked with tears but I don't want him to see how much he is hurting me.
I lie awake most of the tears pouring silently from me.
I leave for work early and first thing I do is ring best friend. I need to put things right. I explain what's happened and why I'm calling, she is silent on the phone, then she shrieks and starts laughing... "Seriously" she says, "you are the funniest, nicest, caring person. Sarcastic at times but more about your own flaws than anyone else" she assures me. "as for the I don't know why I put up with you comment that was because you asked me to do some work and I was being sarcastic! FFs!!"
Tears if relief ran down my face as I sat in the car, I can't believe I doubted myself so much.
When I went back home at lunch time he went at it again, telling my how selfish and spiteful I am. I just sit quiet and take it, quietly taking another step back from our relationship. He tells me he just wants to fix things and get back to having sex, I say there is no magic solution to this, he says I need to stop trying to hurt him. I ask him to explain, he says that just because he wouldn't have sex for me for years I'm just trying to get back at him.
I'm shocked I thought he understood this. This is feeling like one way traffic and its all my fault I ask him calmly a question. "All those years you didn't want to have sex with me, the changing excuses, the new reasons why you couldn't, did you do any of that to hurt me? "
"no" he says
"why can't you accept that maybe I'm just where you were then?"
He shrugs his shoulders unable to answer.
It's taken a few days to get my head back straight but now I resent what he did. I asked for an open discussion and reassurance which was perfectly reasonable and what I got was uncalled for and very hurtful.
It makes me see little point in raising any of my concerns in our marriage because the hurt isnt worth it. I hate that i feel this way as i struggle to make my feelings known anyway for fear of upsetting others.
He says he isn't and I'm honest saying I still have my doubts. He decides best defence is attack.
All of a sudden a barrage of faults are thrown at me. One stands out and hurts the most. He tells me I ridicule him in front of people, I ask how/when. He says I did it just today when I told our friend how he had spoken in a funny accent in France on holiday. I'm thrown as this was just humour, my sense of humour, I always share stories of things we have done that are worthy of a giggle, more often I'm the butt of my own jokes. He says he can't talk to me about everything for fear if being made a laughing stock???
I apologise and say it was never meant to hurtful just sharing a funny moment, I politely point out that he has done this too me on many occasion, shared that little too much info but I've seen the value in the laugh.
He moves on to say his friends think the same, that I have been demeaning to them. I'm shocked and as when, apparently his friend had asked my opinion some 4 years ago if a new hair cut would make him look younger... My reply "somewhere between bob and no on the hope scale" it was just a funny retort!
Also his family!!! Apparently his mother has never rested well since I said hubby was never happier than with a cloth and sone bleach... Does no body get sarcasm??
So I'm starting to worry maybe i am some horrible person, some narsisitic streak I can't see.
Then he tells me he can't understand why my best friend even puts up with me I'm so mean and horrid to her. I'm crying now. He says he has even heard her say she does know why she puts up with the crap from me. Oh my god I never realised. I feel so winded, I never thought my sense of humour was hurtful, hurting the people around me.
He asks "was I bullied as a child" he knows the answer to this and it hurts that he even has brought this up and I can't reply as it sounds like I agree with him and I don't believe that just because I was bullied does'nt make me a bully. I'm do choked with tears but I don't want him to see how much he is hurting me.
I lie awake most of the tears pouring silently from me.
I leave for work early and first thing I do is ring best friend. I need to put things right. I explain what's happened and why I'm calling, she is silent on the phone, then she shrieks and starts laughing... "Seriously" she says, "you are the funniest, nicest, caring person. Sarcastic at times but more about your own flaws than anyone else" she assures me. "as for the I don't know why I put up with you comment that was because you asked me to do some work and I was being sarcastic! FFs!!"
Tears if relief ran down my face as I sat in the car, I can't believe I doubted myself so much.
When I went back home at lunch time he went at it again, telling my how selfish and spiteful I am. I just sit quiet and take it, quietly taking another step back from our relationship. He tells me he just wants to fix things and get back to having sex, I say there is no magic solution to this, he says I need to stop trying to hurt him. I ask him to explain, he says that just because he wouldn't have sex for me for years I'm just trying to get back at him.
I'm shocked I thought he understood this. This is feeling like one way traffic and its all my fault I ask him calmly a question. "All those years you didn't want to have sex with me, the changing excuses, the new reasons why you couldn't, did you do any of that to hurt me? "
"no" he says
"why can't you accept that maybe I'm just where you were then?"
He shrugs his shoulders unable to answer.
It's taken a few days to get my head back straight but now I resent what he did. I asked for an open discussion and reassurance which was perfectly reasonable and what I got was uncalled for and very hurtful.
It makes me see little point in raising any of my concerns in our marriage because the hurt isnt worth it. I hate that i feel this way as i struggle to make my feelings known anyway for fear of upsetting others.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
life at the moment
Quick update....
Mother
Still not speaking, as ever she bent things in her head and thinks its all me. I called her last week to clarify exactly where things stood. She says "i dont understand as im beng nice to you and want to be your friend". I keep it calm and straight to the point and explain that this couldnt be the case as the last contact I had from her she was abusive and cruel. I said either you were drunk and that is inexcusable or you were rude and abusive which is inexcusable. We havent spoken since.
Ive been to seen a cousellor for families with addiction problems, more to keep Dad happy as Im confident Im doing the right thing and thankfully they agreed with me. Tough love is the only way to go. Being kind is only going to kill her.
Dad
He seems to of got some confidence back, he is looking for his own place now and I hope he goes for it, only thing that is holding him back is my mother and brother. Brother is back believing everything my Mother says so dad is left as the villian. I have a horrible feeling from reading between the lines he is about to engage solicitors on behalf of my Mother instead of letting them just sort things between themselves. Its going to cause alot of pain especially for her as it will force Dads hand for a divorce.
Work
Things are tough at the moment, but hopefully in the next month or so all the hard work will pay off.
Marriage
Last 2 counselling session have been alone. It makes such a statement going to work on a partnership alone. Last week I was looking for deodrant and discovered lube in Hubbys wardrobe when I got back from trip away, it had moved the next day and so had the deodrant. He was packing to go away so I opened the case to grab some deo and found condoms instead.
and before you gasp and say hipocrit im not after his blood for it I just thought it would give i a spring board to talk. I asked him why he had them, he says they were from when we had sex last. I say they cant be as the last time I borrowed this case you said the same and that was a half used pack plus the exp date is 2014 and ive had the coil in since 2008, so unless NASA are making his condoms they were bought 2010 earliest but more likely this year. He has since defend his corner with the 'posh wank' argument which I stated that a pos wank is an urban mith for people found with condoms.
I plan to talk more with him, ive had a chance to think things through and I want this to give us a chance to move forward.
I told the marriage counsellor about it all this week. Her parting words were... i think its time you started looking after yourself.
Ending on a positive note....
My children are great, they give me so many reasons to smile. (and ive fallen for my lover)
Mother
Still not speaking, as ever she bent things in her head and thinks its all me. I called her last week to clarify exactly where things stood. She says "i dont understand as im beng nice to you and want to be your friend". I keep it calm and straight to the point and explain that this couldnt be the case as the last contact I had from her she was abusive and cruel. I said either you were drunk and that is inexcusable or you were rude and abusive which is inexcusable. We havent spoken since.
Ive been to seen a cousellor for families with addiction problems, more to keep Dad happy as Im confident Im doing the right thing and thankfully they agreed with me. Tough love is the only way to go. Being kind is only going to kill her.
Dad
He seems to of got some confidence back, he is looking for his own place now and I hope he goes for it, only thing that is holding him back is my mother and brother. Brother is back believing everything my Mother says so dad is left as the villian. I have a horrible feeling from reading between the lines he is about to engage solicitors on behalf of my Mother instead of letting them just sort things between themselves. Its going to cause alot of pain especially for her as it will force Dads hand for a divorce.
Work
Things are tough at the moment, but hopefully in the next month or so all the hard work will pay off.
Marriage
Last 2 counselling session have been alone. It makes such a statement going to work on a partnership alone. Last week I was looking for deodrant and discovered lube in Hubbys wardrobe when I got back from trip away, it had moved the next day and so had the deodrant. He was packing to go away so I opened the case to grab some deo and found condoms instead.
and before you gasp and say hipocrit im not after his blood for it I just thought it would give i a spring board to talk. I asked him why he had them, he says they were from when we had sex last. I say they cant be as the last time I borrowed this case you said the same and that was a half used pack plus the exp date is 2014 and ive had the coil in since 2008, so unless NASA are making his condoms they were bought 2010 earliest but more likely this year. He has since defend his corner with the 'posh wank' argument which I stated that a pos wank is an urban mith for people found with condoms.
I plan to talk more with him, ive had a chance to think things through and I want this to give us a chance to move forward.
I told the marriage counsellor about it all this week. Her parting words were... i think its time you started looking after yourself.
Ending on a positive note....
My children are great, they give me so many reasons to smile. (and ive fallen for my lover)
Monday, 20 June 2011
Fathers day
Fathers day
The build up was just my style, mum called me Wednesday, I was with my best friend, I take the call and the abuse starts. Up till this point I was having a perfect day, id woken in the arms of my lover after a perfect night together.
I ask are you drunk calmly "yes I'm fucking off my head" is the reply. 'fuck off, fuck off' is then mumbled by her, I ask what her point is, she wants to know what's happening Sunday (fathers day).
I don't know I tell her, I will let you know when I do, she shouts "fucking tell me now you bitch" I don't understand the tone of it all then the penny drops but I chose to not let on and hang up.
A few hours later I call at the house to see if she was 'off her gead'. She certainly wasn't right but I couldn't of sworn she was drunk.
I ask "what was the abusive call about"
"what call?"
"the call where you told me you were off your fucking nut" I reply trying to stay calm.
"I never said that" she snaps back
"you were demanding to know what's happening on Sunday as well"
"well what is happening?" She growls
"so now you are admitting to calling me?" I ask, bemused by the game playing
"I only called to ask what's happening, you were the one that got abusive"
I get up, as I'm about to leave I turn to her and say "you are single handedly unpicking what's left of this family, Sunday will be for the kids and (hubby) only, I won't tolerate this anymore"
She screams at me "you are the one that has done this, you have ruined my marriage even your brother hates you"
I leave, she can't see I'm crying.
By the time I get home the answer phone is littered with messages asking for me to call her, as I'm deleting them she calls again and I answer.
"I'm not sure why you came here and did that to me" she says "I just want to know if your dad is coming over on Sunday, I'm going away if he does" she hisses.
"no, you have decided for me" I choke back my tears "you have no idea how heart breaking it is to have your mother do this, you are making it harder to care"
"you never fucking cared about me" She screams
I hung up.
Sunday morning dad sneaks over and enjoys fresh baked brownies and hugs with the kids while he pretended he was going to the shops.
Hubby was so supportive (NOT). he refused to lift a finger as it was his day! I'm happy to spoil on such days but it's a reciprocal arrangement. Motherday and his birthday clashed this year so nothing happened for me except hugs and cards from the kids.
Sunday he wouldn't even help with the kids. I make smoked salmon and eggs for breakfast, carpet picnic for lunch and steak for tea. As I walk through with the steak I discover he has opened the champagne and is toasting being a great dad with the kids.
I want to shove that bottle somewhere it would need medical assistance to remove it.
My only moment of joy is when my hubby asked for a drink and daughter chirps up "I think you are pushing your luck, you did nothing like this for mummy".
The build up was just my style, mum called me Wednesday, I was with my best friend, I take the call and the abuse starts. Up till this point I was having a perfect day, id woken in the arms of my lover after a perfect night together.
I ask are you drunk calmly "yes I'm fucking off my head" is the reply. 'fuck off, fuck off' is then mumbled by her, I ask what her point is, she wants to know what's happening Sunday (fathers day).
I don't know I tell her, I will let you know when I do, she shouts "fucking tell me now you bitch" I don't understand the tone of it all then the penny drops but I chose to not let on and hang up.
A few hours later I call at the house to see if she was 'off her gead'. She certainly wasn't right but I couldn't of sworn she was drunk.
I ask "what was the abusive call about"
"what call?"
"the call where you told me you were off your fucking nut" I reply trying to stay calm.
"I never said that" she snaps back
"you were demanding to know what's happening on Sunday as well"
"well what is happening?" She growls
"so now you are admitting to calling me?" I ask, bemused by the game playing
"I only called to ask what's happening, you were the one that got abusive"
I get up, as I'm about to leave I turn to her and say "you are single handedly unpicking what's left of this family, Sunday will be for the kids and (hubby) only, I won't tolerate this anymore"
She screams at me "you are the one that has done this, you have ruined my marriage even your brother hates you"
I leave, she can't see I'm crying.
By the time I get home the answer phone is littered with messages asking for me to call her, as I'm deleting them she calls again and I answer.
"I'm not sure why you came here and did that to me" she says "I just want to know if your dad is coming over on Sunday, I'm going away if he does" she hisses.
"no, you have decided for me" I choke back my tears "you have no idea how heart breaking it is to have your mother do this, you are making it harder to care"
"you never fucking cared about me" She screams
I hung up.
Sunday morning dad sneaks over and enjoys fresh baked brownies and hugs with the kids while he pretended he was going to the shops.
Hubby was so supportive (NOT). he refused to lift a finger as it was his day! I'm happy to spoil on such days but it's a reciprocal arrangement. Motherday and his birthday clashed this year so nothing happened for me except hugs and cards from the kids.
Sunday he wouldn't even help with the kids. I make smoked salmon and eggs for breakfast, carpet picnic for lunch and steak for tea. As I walk through with the steak I discover he has opened the champagne and is toasting being a great dad with the kids.
I want to shove that bottle somewhere it would need medical assistance to remove it.
My only moment of joy is when my hubby asked for a drink and daughter chirps up "I think you are pushing your luck, you did nothing like this for mummy".
Monday, 23 May 2011
Yesterday I tried to have sex with hubby
Yesterday I was woken by hubby's hand between my thighs, im shocked but I really dont want to hurt him, things have at least become understandable between us, so I pretend I'm still asleep and turn away from him, he starts to rub my back so I get up to go pee and then hide in bathroom until he goes to make coffee.
He knows 4 years of rejection and excuses have brought us to here but I think todays last marriage counselling has him desperate to get a positive outcome.
Nothing was said all day, it was a busy day with a BBQ and a party.
Back at home drunk, I was dancing, been at party all day, he steps up and take hold of me, I try to stay with the moment, I want to try and get past this. Maybe if I can just let go of this hurt and fear of rejection we can move on.
As he touches me I burst into tears, the tears turn into uncontrollable sobs.
I lie on the sofa crying, he says sorry and goes to bed leaving me to cry.
In 30 minutes we go to our last session, we haven't spoken since last night. I feel sick (partially the hangover) I don't want to deal with this. I want to hide.
He knows 4 years of rejection and excuses have brought us to here but I think todays last marriage counselling has him desperate to get a positive outcome.
Nothing was said all day, it was a busy day with a BBQ and a party.
Back at home drunk, I was dancing, been at party all day, he steps up and take hold of me, I try to stay with the moment, I want to try and get past this. Maybe if I can just let go of this hurt and fear of rejection we can move on.
As he touches me I burst into tears, the tears turn into uncontrollable sobs.
I lie on the sofa crying, he says sorry and goes to bed leaving me to cry.
In 30 minutes we go to our last session, we haven't spoken since last night. I feel sick (partially the hangover) I don't want to deal with this. I want to hide.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Been a while
Lifes been a bit too much to even take a moment to recount, I just needed to keep moving forward but kind of feel this week things are a little more balanced and getting back on track.
The quick updates are:
Mother still a nutter
Dad still heart broken
Brother still being a twat
Hubby ignoring me yet being very posesive (i know thats contradictory but its like when a kid doesnt play with a toy but no one else can either)
Kids are just perfect and keeping me smiling
When things are tough you get to know who your friends are and I must say the Therapist, Mykeyman and Big G have been great and full of hugs when ive needed them. Work has been pretty tough and having to have kids straight from school as they havent been able to go to Mums has been a real hard thing to deal with, its cut my working time almost in half.
Ive met a man that so far has me smiling, I dont want to wish for too much as I dont think I could cope with the heart ache, but he certainly seems to care.
Mum goes away on Sunday fr 2 weeks so that should take the pressure off everyone and teach my brother a lesson as she going to stay with him for a few weeks. Sods law is though she will behave impecably!
MOnday is the last of my Marriage Counselling sessions, im not sure how that will go as im assuming she will ask what we have gained/achieved... it hasnt all been a waste of time as I do think he did take on board some of my feelings and why I now dont want him sexually, after all the years of turning me down. He also took onboard to stop making inappropriate drunken advances or sober for that matter, I feel more comfortable about that as it got to the point I was clinging onto the edge of the bed praying he wouldnt touch me.
I dont think we have moved forward but I think we are more comfortable with where we are. I think perhaps all the trouble with my family has helped bring us a little closer as he had his moments where he has been supportive, he didnt complain once when Dad moved in and has taken time to go speak to Mum.
I cant see me wanting to get the relationship sexual again, I think Ive moved past that point, too much hurt and too much coping to change how I feel, plus as the therapist said even if we did start having sex ive moved on in so many ways with preferences and limits, become acustomed to a partner giving in the bed room, his 2 minutes isnt going to cut the mustard any more.
I will let you know how we get on xx
The quick updates are:
Mother still a nutter
Dad still heart broken
Brother still being a twat
Hubby ignoring me yet being very posesive (i know thats contradictory but its like when a kid doesnt play with a toy but no one else can either)
Kids are just perfect and keeping me smiling
When things are tough you get to know who your friends are and I must say the Therapist, Mykeyman and Big G have been great and full of hugs when ive needed them. Work has been pretty tough and having to have kids straight from school as they havent been able to go to Mums has been a real hard thing to deal with, its cut my working time almost in half.
Ive met a man that so far has me smiling, I dont want to wish for too much as I dont think I could cope with the heart ache, but he certainly seems to care.
Mum goes away on Sunday fr 2 weeks so that should take the pressure off everyone and teach my brother a lesson as she going to stay with him for a few weeks. Sods law is though she will behave impecably!
MOnday is the last of my Marriage Counselling sessions, im not sure how that will go as im assuming she will ask what we have gained/achieved... it hasnt all been a waste of time as I do think he did take on board some of my feelings and why I now dont want him sexually, after all the years of turning me down. He also took onboard to stop making inappropriate drunken advances or sober for that matter, I feel more comfortable about that as it got to the point I was clinging onto the edge of the bed praying he wouldnt touch me.
I dont think we have moved forward but I think we are more comfortable with where we are. I think perhaps all the trouble with my family has helped bring us a little closer as he had his moments where he has been supportive, he didnt complain once when Dad moved in and has taken time to go speak to Mum.
I cant see me wanting to get the relationship sexual again, I think Ive moved past that point, too much hurt and too much coping to change how I feel, plus as the therapist said even if we did start having sex ive moved on in so many ways with preferences and limits, become acustomed to a partner giving in the bed room, his 2 minutes isnt going to cut the mustard any more.
I will let you know how we get on xx
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Escape hatch please
Life's a bit upside down at the moment and I'm more than a bit battle weary.
Mum is the main cause of friction and causing so much disruption to life. Dad was initially staying here but he moved back home last week because mum cancelled the care service. She knew dad wouldn't let her be without care,she has manipulated the situation perfectly.
Good news is dad has put house up for sale and pushing forward with divorce.
Brother thinks he is god he told mum to confess her sins and all would be forgiven. The day the house went up for sale and reality hit hard she decided to confess she is an alcoholic. I get a text and several calls from brother lecturing me on how mum is moving forward and I shouldn't be so selfish and negative. Saying I'm an alcoholic in desperation to stop dad leaving her is not fixing it, she would of confessed to anything if she thought it would stop her losing the house.
I've told him I will believe her when her actions prove it.
The nightmare bit is though my mum has promised my daughter she Wong ever drink again, that's a promise she can't keep I don't think and it's going to break my daughters heart if she does.
Dads still coming to the house daily spending time with the kids and me, I welcome him buy it's emotionally draining me. It's hard work keeping him upbeat and focused as he us so depressed and ill with everything going on.
The pressure he is getting from my brother to stay with mum is so unfair. Because he lives hundreds of miles away and doesn't see what's happening, he doesn't have to deal with anything other than the odd drunk phone call he thinks her admission of guilt is enough. He needs to be here and know what it's like to find her slumped in her own vomit, hear the vile threats and name calling, be hit when your trying to stop her hurting herself.
I really need a break, I'm thinking of disappearing next week for a few days, catch my breath and do something for me.
Mum is the main cause of friction and causing so much disruption to life. Dad was initially staying here but he moved back home last week because mum cancelled the care service. She knew dad wouldn't let her be without care,she has manipulated the situation perfectly.
Good news is dad has put house up for sale and pushing forward with divorce.
Brother thinks he is god he told mum to confess her sins and all would be forgiven. The day the house went up for sale and reality hit hard she decided to confess she is an alcoholic. I get a text and several calls from brother lecturing me on how mum is moving forward and I shouldn't be so selfish and negative. Saying I'm an alcoholic in desperation to stop dad leaving her is not fixing it, she would of confessed to anything if she thought it would stop her losing the house.
I've told him I will believe her when her actions prove it.
The nightmare bit is though my mum has promised my daughter she Wong ever drink again, that's a promise she can't keep I don't think and it's going to break my daughters heart if she does.
Dads still coming to the house daily spending time with the kids and me, I welcome him buy it's emotionally draining me. It's hard work keeping him upbeat and focused as he us so depressed and ill with everything going on.
The pressure he is getting from my brother to stay with mum is so unfair. Because he lives hundreds of miles away and doesn't see what's happening, he doesn't have to deal with anything other than the odd drunk phone call he thinks her admission of guilt is enough. He needs to be here and know what it's like to find her slumped in her own vomit, hear the vile threats and name calling, be hit when your trying to stop her hurting herself.
I really need a break, I'm thinking of disappearing next week for a few days, catch my breath and do something for me.
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Daughter is a bad loser!
There is little to add other than I won at monopoly!
I do think chopping off my hand would be a slightly extreme reaction.
Would you let them win ?
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