Lol well you ask me a question and I answer
Saturday, 18 December 2010
Friday, 17 December 2010
I almost found a great guy
I thought it was one of those moment, you click, it feels great, you open up and be honest with him. Then he calls you a slut and rejects you.
Heavy heart tonight
Heavy heart tonight
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Some good, some not so good
Life update
Sorry been so busy, some good stuff, some no so good. Birthday went as expected, no present from husband, no thought given, I ended up salvaging an evening out if it and went and bought cake and a nice dinner.
Good stuff...
The dance show went amazing, the children danced their hearts out and from what the audience said my daughter was more than beautiful as she danced swan lake.
Good stuff
I didn't get to see as I was the stage manager, something I volunteer to do each year. It's the hardest job in the world 300 children to get to stage in the right costumes, right time and the right curtain. I missed all 9 dances the children were in BUT with all the costume changes and some only 1 minute to do them I'd rather be there for them so the are chilled and ready to perform. I collect the DVD of the show on Saturday, I plan to watch it alone and with a box of tissues on the ready as I see my son melt the audiences hearts as the only male ballet dancer at the dance school and see my daughter who is 3 years younger than anyone else in her class perform every bit as good. Real proud mummy moments.
Not so good stuff
Still no speaking with mum, met her last week for a coffee to try and sort stuff out but it was like talking to a politician. No straight answers no admission of guilt or responsibility. I've said my peace, made it clear I am now zero tolerance on the drinking and I've bought a breathalyser, refusal to use it when requested is an admission of guilt.
Over a year ago I told the husband that I was past the point of no return with us having any intimacy, I told him maybe through counselling we might be able to salvage something. He did nothing, in April fir the first time in years he asked for sex, I turned him down, he said I was being spiteful. He didn't get that he had rejected my advances for years and how he felt was a fraction of what he had done to me and our marriage. Told him I had shut down that part of my expectations, it was my only way to cope, reminded him I had warned him this would happen..... Well last week an appointment to see a marriage councillor arrived!!! Bloody hell!!! It was meant to be for the 22nd of December but I've moved it till 20th of January. I didn't fancy lifting the lid off our marriage 3days before Xmas.
Don't know what I want from it I just know I can't exist as we are for much longer, self esteem and lack of feeling wanted by anyone (other than children) is taking it's toll.
Sorry been so busy, some good stuff, some no so good. Birthday went as expected, no present from husband, no thought given, I ended up salvaging an evening out if it and went and bought cake and a nice dinner.
Good stuff...
The dance show went amazing, the children danced their hearts out and from what the audience said my daughter was more than beautiful as she danced swan lake.
Good stuff
I didn't get to see as I was the stage manager, something I volunteer to do each year. It's the hardest job in the world 300 children to get to stage in the right costumes, right time and the right curtain. I missed all 9 dances the children were in BUT with all the costume changes and some only 1 minute to do them I'd rather be there for them so the are chilled and ready to perform. I collect the DVD of the show on Saturday, I plan to watch it alone and with a box of tissues on the ready as I see my son melt the audiences hearts as the only male ballet dancer at the dance school and see my daughter who is 3 years younger than anyone else in her class perform every bit as good. Real proud mummy moments.
Not so good stuff
Still no speaking with mum, met her last week for a coffee to try and sort stuff out but it was like talking to a politician. No straight answers no admission of guilt or responsibility. I've said my peace, made it clear I am now zero tolerance on the drinking and I've bought a breathalyser, refusal to use it when requested is an admission of guilt.
Over a year ago I told the husband that I was past the point of no return with us having any intimacy, I told him maybe through counselling we might be able to salvage something. He did nothing, in April fir the first time in years he asked for sex, I turned him down, he said I was being spiteful. He didn't get that he had rejected my advances for years and how he felt was a fraction of what he had done to me and our marriage. Told him I had shut down that part of my expectations, it was my only way to cope, reminded him I had warned him this would happen..... Well last week an appointment to see a marriage councillor arrived!!! Bloody hell!!! It was meant to be for the 22nd of December but I've moved it till 20th of January. I didn't fancy lifting the lid off our marriage 3days before Xmas.
Don't know what I want from it I just know I can't exist as we are for much longer, self esteem and lack of feeling wanted by anyone (other than children) is taking it's toll.
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Birthday predictions for tomorrow, pessimist or realist?
Kids will of made me something wonderful
Hubby wont of got me anything
Mother will call up begging for forgiveness
Kids will cuddle me loads and complain that Daddy didn't get me anything
I will end up making tea, doing housework and homework
Dad will text me to say Happy Birthday because he is frightened to call if Mum is around
I had planned to go away with my best friend to celebrate at the weekend but it turns out that hubby has cancelled it on my behalf as his sister is coming up with her family, so looks like no fun for me :( (so annoyed about this my head might explode)
Hubby wont of got me anything
Mother will call up begging for forgiveness
Kids will cuddle me loads and complain that Daddy didn't get me anything
I will end up making tea, doing housework and homework
Dad will text me to say Happy Birthday because he is frightened to call if Mum is around
I had planned to go away with my best friend to celebrate at the weekend but it turns out that hubby has cancelled it on my behalf as his sister is coming up with her family, so looks like no fun for me :( (so annoyed about this my head might explode)
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Life update
Still no change with mum, she refuses to accept any responsibility and I'm not budging an inch on it.
Lifes hectic, the new company is steaming ahead also had 2 job offers, one of which would have me all over the world. I'm tempted but not sure if it's right for the children.
Last week the daughter didnt get chosen at an audition, she was heart broken. I hated seeing her so defeated as she danced so well but there were hundreds there and they were only looking for a handful.
Thankfully at school the very next day she won a talent show, voted by her teachers and fellow pupils, she even made her teacher cry when he saw her perform swan lake.
This weekend they are in a show, I'm so excited for them. I will let you know how they get on. I help produce the show so mad busy sewing, making, planning and panicking. Dress rehearsals went to plan though so fingers crossed for Sunday.
And hope Mums threat not to go see the show is an empty threat as the kids will be devastated.
Lifes hectic, the new company is steaming ahead also had 2 job offers, one of which would have me all over the world. I'm tempted but not sure if it's right for the children.
Last week the daughter didnt get chosen at an audition, she was heart broken. I hated seeing her so defeated as she danced so well but there were hundreds there and they were only looking for a handful.
Thankfully at school the very next day she won a talent show, voted by her teachers and fellow pupils, she even made her teacher cry when he saw her perform swan lake.
This weekend they are in a show, I'm so excited for them. I will let you know how they get on. I help produce the show so mad busy sewing, making, planning and panicking. Dress rehearsals went to plan though so fingers crossed for Sunday.
And hope Mums threat not to go see the show is an empty threat as the kids will be devastated.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
From the mouths of babes....
daughter looks at me over the breakfast table, Im putting on my make up, drawing eyes on.
She askes "why do you wear make-up Mummy?"
"so I look pretty for work and a little younger" I say
"but you are so beautiful, you dont need any thing more, you look perfect" she says frowning trying to understand grown ups.
"Aww thank you princess that is such a kind thing to say" It made me smile so much, such kind innocent words.
She smiles back and starts to giggle "Your hair is a mess though, I suggest you prioritise!"
Harsh but fair!
She askes "why do you wear make-up Mummy?"
"so I look pretty for work and a little younger" I say
"but you are so beautiful, you dont need any thing more, you look perfect" she says frowning trying to understand grown ups.
"Aww thank you princess that is such a kind thing to say" It made me smile so much, such kind innocent words.
She smiles back and starts to giggle "Your hair is a mess though, I suggest you prioritise!"
Harsh but fair!
Monday, 8 November 2010
Do I put it in a letter or just talk?
I need to clear the air at least with Mum and before i can do that I need to go through some stuff with her.
Im not sure what to do, I think what ever we discuss she will bend it in her mind and distort it all and as ever it will be about me being the bad person.
So do I do a letter that is there for her to read the facts?? the last time I did she refused to read it but this time if she does refuse she is refusing the olive branch to rebuild a relationship with me, ive made it clear unless we discuss the impacts of what she is doing/done we will not be speaking.
here are some of my thoughts I need to discuss so far:
You told me I should never of got involved with what happened the other week that it was purely between you and Dad and you accused me if pulling the family apart.
Did you know you rang me at work that day, swearing and being aggressive?
I told you I was in a meeting and you continued to swear at me and call dad names.
You threatened to go to school to get the kids despite me asking you not too.
Were you aware the children witnessed your behaviour, when you jabbed me and slammed the door in my face repeatedly, telling me to piss off and that I was never welcome in your house ever again?
Did you know my son was in Dads care when you threatened to stab him?
Just the previous week you threw me out the house and were aggressive to me. Your parting words piss off and go text your brother.
You accused me if pulling the family apart and I believe my brother currently thinks I'm not speaking to him. I can't talk to my brother about what is going on as you have made it impossible to do so.
He took you into his confidence and asked you not to tell me, despite that you threw it in my face that I spoke to my brother behind your back about being concerned about you. You have now made that conversation impossible, I will not put myself in that position again that he can breach my trust or you can repeatedly throw it in my face. You need to take responsibility for damaging our relationship.
You have on many occasions rang me swearing and calling dad , one day I was on my way to a meeting and you called me to tell me dad had thrown you down the stairs.I had been there and you had fallen down the stairs drunk and dad tried to stop you. You constantly when drunk tell me Dad is beating you up but refuse to discuss when sober with me. If this is true it needs to be dealt with but the facts I see is that you are deflecting your actions and blaming others.
When you tried to commit suicide I wrote you a letter explaining events so you could understand your actions and you refused to read it and told me I had no right to make you and that I had to forget what happened as it was only your pain to bare. Have you ever considered for a moment what it is like for me and my brother to deal with that? do you realise how much that hurt me that you didn't even want to acknowledge what you did or said to me that day?
On so many occasions you have swore to me you were not drunk, made me feel guilty, the next week my brother told me you had confessed you were drunk. I had felt so guilty for days for thinking you had drank. You have used illness to deflect your drunken state so many times on one occasion you told me you thought the cancer was back, do you know how much that hurts to know someone would be so cruel and deceitful?
You have done this on many occasions to me, been drunk when caring for my children. Can you understand why I don't believe you anymore? I would love to be proved wrong.
Can you understand why you can't look after the children or see them unattended?
You of all people should know how much it hurts when your mum says something so unkind, you told me to fuck of and die, no one should here that let alone on 2 separate occasions.
The more you behave in this way the further you push me away. I know you currently think I'm doing this to hurt you but I'm not, I'm doing this to protect my children and so you don't hurt me anymore.
How would you tackle it? I want her to know what she is doing so it can help her stop it.
Im not sure what to do, I think what ever we discuss she will bend it in her mind and distort it all and as ever it will be about me being the bad person.
So do I do a letter that is there for her to read the facts?? the last time I did she refused to read it but this time if she does refuse she is refusing the olive branch to rebuild a relationship with me, ive made it clear unless we discuss the impacts of what she is doing/done we will not be speaking.
here are some of my thoughts I need to discuss so far:
You told me I should never of got involved with what happened the other week that it was purely between you and Dad and you accused me if pulling the family apart.
Did you know you rang me at work that day, swearing and being aggressive?
I told you I was in a meeting and you continued to swear at me and call dad names.
You threatened to go to school to get the kids despite me asking you not too.
Were you aware the children witnessed your behaviour, when you jabbed me and slammed the door in my face repeatedly, telling me to piss off and that I was never welcome in your house ever again?
Did you know my son was in Dads care when you threatened to stab him?
Just the previous week you threw me out the house and were aggressive to me. Your parting words piss off and go text your brother.
You accused me if pulling the family apart and I believe my brother currently thinks I'm not speaking to him. I can't talk to my brother about what is going on as you have made it impossible to do so.
He took you into his confidence and asked you not to tell me, despite that you threw it in my face that I spoke to my brother behind your back about being concerned about you. You have now made that conversation impossible, I will not put myself in that position again that he can breach my trust or you can repeatedly throw it in my face. You need to take responsibility for damaging our relationship.
You have on many occasions rang me swearing and calling dad , one day I was on my way to a meeting and you called me to tell me dad had thrown you down the stairs.I had been there and you had fallen down the stairs drunk and dad tried to stop you. You constantly when drunk tell me Dad is beating you up but refuse to discuss when sober with me. If this is true it needs to be dealt with but the facts I see is that you are deflecting your actions and blaming others.
When you tried to commit suicide I wrote you a letter explaining events so you could understand your actions and you refused to read it and told me I had no right to make you and that I had to forget what happened as it was only your pain to bare. Have you ever considered for a moment what it is like for me and my brother to deal with that? do you realise how much that hurt me that you didn't even want to acknowledge what you did or said to me that day?
On so many occasions you have swore to me you were not drunk, made me feel guilty, the next week my brother told me you had confessed you were drunk. I had felt so guilty for days for thinking you had drank. You have used illness to deflect your drunken state so many times on one occasion you told me you thought the cancer was back, do you know how much that hurts to know someone would be so cruel and deceitful?
You have done this on many occasions to me, been drunk when caring for my children. Can you understand why I don't believe you anymore? I would love to be proved wrong.
Can you understand why you can't look after the children or see them unattended?
You of all people should know how much it hurts when your mum says something so unkind, you told me to fuck of and die, no one should here that let alone on 2 separate occasions.
The more you behave in this way the further you push me away. I know you currently think I'm doing this to hurt you but I'm not, I'm doing this to protect my children and so you don't hurt me anymore.
How would you tackle it? I want her to know what she is doing so it can help her stop it.
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