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Tuesday 14 September 2010

Just when you thought it couldnt get any worse

popped in for coffee at mums, I'm trying to be there for her give her support.

I needed to do some work before getting the kids but figured I might as well be sat with her while doing it she seemed happy with the gesture. I'm typing away and she tells me I'm rude. I apologise and explain that I need to do this quickly or I will miss a deadline for payment. She sits quiet... the calm before the storm.

I finish and grab my coffee while it is still hot. The onslaught begins. She berates me for my Dads company failing, she screams at me saying its my fault. I sit quiet letting her say what she needs too. She starts calling my Dad a failure and I see red. How dare she! He has been out there working his ass off while she sat here drinking. I remain calm and explain as best I can what has happened. She attacks me more. I tell her I wont allow her to speak to me like that. She tells me I am ruining her relationship with Dad and my brother, I stand to leave. I am the one person in that family that holds everyone together. My brother is manipulative and callus, I keep matters too myself and never tell her how much grief I get from my brother and this is what I get for it I am the one vilified.

I tell her she is bang out of order. She tells me to fuck off and die.

My heart ached so much, the saddest thing is she has now told me that on 3 occasions, my mother, a woman who never swears tells me that.

I walk to the door as she is screaming at me. I tell her calming you are the one saying this, you are the one telling me to go and ending this relationship. She continues screaming and pushes me out the door.

As I leave she yells you do not get to speak to me like a child. I tell her "start behaving like my mother then"

I have had over 40 missed calls from her now. I cant bring myself to speak to her. I'm so ready to crumble into a 1000 pieces and there is no one to pick me up. I need to be held and no questions asked, just loved for who I am and nothing more.

Thank god for water proof mascara.

3 comments:

inherservice said...

Everything that has ever gone wrong in my Mother's life has been my fault...her 4 days in labor with me...her miscarriage when I was 3...

Growing up there were constant accusations of my trying to put her in the state mental hospital with my behavior...telling me to get out, take my stuff and go, then calling my Dad to beat me if I tried...

27 years ago he was dying of pancreatic cancer; it was my fault he got it...my fault he was unable to respond to treatment...my fault he was dying so horribly...

After that it's been one thing after another to the point that my stomach does flips just to see her phone number or hear her voice on our answering machine.

I know none of that helps, but you aren't alone in the world!

Sad is that somehow I still end up feeling guilty, though I know I have no logical reason to...

Thinking of you!

Playfully Yours said...

I know she is your mother but that is no way to talk to anyone. Especially after ALL you have done for her. I would let that phone keep ringing (I know it's her mom) but dear you don't need that and it is not fair to take the brunt of what she isn't doing.
As far as I am concerned, if you said it then you meant it and you can't just say you are sorry and make it all better.

If I were closer I would cuddle up with you in my big bed.

Hugs
PY

Anonymous said...

part of the reason I have not been around much is that I have been hurt to the core by someone very close who I had always thought I could rely on to be understanding if nothing else.

Its so hard when our closest relatives behave so badly.

hugs from me to you