Marriage counselling

Nearly fell off seat with fright when I got the phone call.

For those that are new to the blog you need a catch up..

For the last 4 years or so I've been invisible at home. The husband seemed to withhold any affection or attention and it got worse.

September 2009 I had enough. After years of begging for sex or any other intimacy I gave up. I sat down and told him, I said I'd gone past the point of no return. I told him would never ask any more from him.

A few weeks if tear, him accusing me of not doing enough in the house. (he was out of work and I had 3 jobs, I thought it fair he did the housework)
He asked for me to give it till Xmas, he would change, he would make an effort.

I said find but I thought we needed to see a marriage councillor to resolve the issues. I can't talk to him when he is angry. I find myself shutting up and closing down to avoid the confrontation. In 2007 he totally lost has temper when I told him he was withholding affection and he ended up smashing stuff up.

In the January nothing had changed, I told him either sort a sex or marriage councillor or the marriage is over.

Nothing happened

In April he asked me for sex, it had been nearly 2 years since we had last had sex. I turned to him and said sorry no. He went mad, he said all I've complained about is him not asking for sex and now he is what was I playing at.

I tried to explain but he cut over me, your just trying to hurt me. I said no I'm not but maybe you should consider that in 21years I've never turned you down until today and you say it hurts, you've done it for years. My reasons are good, to cope with the rejection year after year I have changed my expectations of our relationship, they do not include sex anymore. I did this to stop my marriage being a daily disappointment, it's kept me here coping.

He promises to sort out a councillor.

As ever nothing happened.

But then the phone rang last week. It was the councillor to book the appointment??? I was totally thrown.

She asked if we could attend an appointment on the 22nd dec, I laughed and asked is that seriously a good idea to lift the lid on someones marriage 2 days before Christmas!! She agreed and offered dates in January.

I think the trigger to him sorting out the appointment is since about a month ago he was drunk and half asleep and tried to force himself on me.

I pushed him off yelling at him to stop. The next day he said he could remember. I told him how hurtful it is that have him do that, that his only sexual approach is not a sober or consensual one for either party.

So mind is full of worry, I know this is going to be an emotionally draining time. I'm already at odds with what I want to achieve from the counselling. I've spent so long keeping my head down and coping I can't hardly remember what I really want.


Merry Christmas my blog friends. Thank you so much for being here with me this year, your comments and at time support has been so gratefully received. I hope you get all you wish for and much more.

I'm sure I will be back between Christmas and new year as I have my mother coming on Christmas day and then off to the in laws for a few days so I will keep you posted!!

how do you use this damn thing?

Lol well you ask me a question and I answer

Ask me anything

I almost found a great guy

I thought it was one of those moment, you click, it feels great, you open up and be honest with him. Then he calls you a slut and rejects you.

Heavy heart tonight

Some good, some not so good

Life update

Sorry been so busy, some good stuff, some no so good. Birthday went as expected, no present from husband, no thought given, I ended up salvaging an evening out if it and went and bought cake and a nice dinner.

Good stuff...
The dance show went amazing, the children danced their hearts out and from what the audience said my daughter was more than beautiful as she danced swan lake.

Good stuff

I didn't get to see as I was the stage manager, something I volunteer to do each year. It's the hardest job in the world 300 children to get to stage in the right costumes, right time and the right curtain. I missed all 9 dances the children were in BUT with all the costume changes and some only 1 minute to do them I'd rather be there for them so the are chilled and ready to perform. I collect the DVD of the show on Saturday, I plan to watch it alone and with a box of tissues on the ready as I see my son melt the audiences hearts as the only male ballet dancer at the dance school and see my daughter who is 3 years younger than anyone else in her class perform every bit as good. Real proud mummy moments.

Not so good stuff
Still no speaking with mum, met her last week for a coffee to try and sort stuff out but it was like talking to a politician. No straight answers no admission of guilt or responsibility. I've said my peace, made it clear I am now zero tolerance on the drinking and I've bought a breathalyser, refusal to use it when requested is an admission of guilt.

Over a year ago I told the husband that I was past the point of no return with us having any intimacy, I told him maybe through counselling we might be able to salvage something. He did nothing, in April fir the first time in years he asked for sex, I turned him down, he said I was being spiteful. He didn't get that he had rejected my advances for years and how he felt was a fraction of what he had done to me and our marriage. Told him I had shut down that part of my expectations, it was my only way to cope, reminded him I had warned him this would happen..... Well last week an appointment to see a marriage councillor arrived!!! Bloody hell!!! It was meant to be for the 22nd of December but I've moved it till 20th of January. I didn't fancy lifting the lid off our marriage 3days before Xmas.

Don't know what I want from it I just know I can't exist as we are for much longer, self esteem and lack of feeling wanted by anyone (other than children) is taking it's toll.

Birthday predictions for tomorrow, pessimist or realist?

Kids will of made me something wonderful

Hubby wont of got me anything

Mother will call up begging for forgiveness

Kids will cuddle me loads and complain that Daddy didn't get me anything

I will end up making tea, doing housework and homework

Dad will text me to say Happy Birthday because he is frightened to call if Mum is around

I had planned to go away with my best friend to celebrate at the weekend but it turns out that hubby has cancelled it on my behalf as his sister is coming up with her family, so looks like no fun for me :( (so annoyed about this my head might explode)

Life update

Still no change with mum, she refuses to accept any responsibility and I'm not budging an inch on it.

Lifes hectic, the new company is steaming ahead also had 2 job offers, one of which would have me all over the world. I'm tempted but not sure if it's right for the children.

Last week the daughter didnt get chosen at an audition, she was heart broken. I hated seeing her so defeated as she danced so well but there were hundreds there and they were only looking for a handful.

Thankfully at school the very next day she won a talent show, voted by her teachers and fellow pupils, she even made her teacher cry when he saw her perform swan lake.

This weekend they are in a show, I'm so excited for them. I will let you know how they get on. I help produce the show so mad busy sewing, making, planning and panicking. Dress rehearsals went to plan though so fingers crossed for Sunday.

And hope Mums threat not to go see the show is an empty threat as the kids will be devastated.

From the mouths of babes....

daughter looks at me over the breakfast table, Im putting on my make up, drawing eyes on.

She askes "why do you wear make-up Mummy?"

"so I look pretty for work and a little younger" I say

"but you are so beautiful, you dont need any thing more, you look perfect" she says frowning trying to understand grown ups.

"Aww thank you princess that is such a kind thing to say" It made me smile so much, such kind innocent words.

She smiles back and starts to giggle "Your hair is a mess though, I suggest you prioritise!"

Harsh but fair!

Do I put it in a letter or just talk?

I need to clear the air at least with Mum and before i can do that I need to go through some stuff with her.

Im not sure what to do, I think what ever we discuss she will bend it in her mind and distort it all and as ever it will be about me being the bad person.

So do I do a letter that is there for her to read the facts?? the last time I did she refused to read it but this time if she does refuse she is refusing the olive branch to rebuild a relationship with me, ive made it clear unless we discuss the impacts of what she is doing/done we will not be speaking.

here are some of my thoughts I need to discuss so far:



You told me I should never of got involved with what happened the other week that it was purely between you and Dad and you accused me if pulling the family apart.


Did you know you rang me at work that day, swearing and being aggressive?

I told you I was in a meeting and you continued to swear at me and call dad names.

You threatened to go to school to get the kids despite me asking you not too.

Were you aware the children witnessed your behaviour, when you jabbed me and slammed the door in my face repeatedly, telling me to piss off and that I was never welcome in your house ever again?

Did you know my son was in Dads care when you threatened to stab him?

Just the previous week you threw me out the house and were aggressive to me. Your parting words piss off and go text your brother.

You accused me if pulling the family apart and I believe my brother currently thinks I'm not speaking to him. I can't talk to my brother about what is going on as you have made it impossible to do so.

He took you into his confidence and asked you not to tell me, despite that you threw it in my face that I spoke to my brother behind your back about being concerned about you. You have now made that conversation impossible, I will not put myself in that position again that he can breach my trust or you can repeatedly throw it in my face. You need to take responsibility for damaging our relationship.



You have on many occasions rang me swearing and calling dad , one day I was on my way to a meeting and you called me to tell me dad had thrown you down the stairs.I had been there and you had fallen down the stairs drunk and dad tried to stop you. You constantly when drunk tell me Dad is beating you up but refuse to discuss when sober with me. If this is true it needs to be dealt with but the facts I see is that you are deflecting your actions and blaming others.

When you tried to commit suicide I wrote you a letter explaining events so you could understand your actions and you refused to read it and told me I had no right to make you and that I had to forget what happened as it was only your pain to bare. Have you ever considered for a moment what it is like for me and my brother to deal with that? do you realise how much that hurt me that you didn't even want to acknowledge what you did or said to me that day?


On so many occasions you have swore to me you were not drunk, made me feel guilty, the next week my brother told me you had confessed you were drunk. I had felt so guilty for days for thinking you had drank. You have used illness to deflect your drunken state so many times on one occasion you told me you thought the cancer was back, do you know how much that hurts to know someone would be so cruel and deceitful?

You have done this on many occasions to me, been drunk when caring for my children. Can you understand why I don't believe you anymore? I would love to be proved wrong.

Can you understand why you can't look after the children or see them unattended?


You of all people should know how much it hurts when your mum says something so unkind, you told me to fuck of and die, no one should here that let alone on 2 separate occasions.

The more you behave in this way the further you push me away. I know you currently think I'm doing this to hurt you but I'm not, I'm doing this to protect my children and so you don't hurt me anymore.


How would you tackle it? I want her to know what she is doing so it can help her stop it.

And I'm the bad person??

Still not speaking with mum.

Told her until she is willing to sit down and discuss what she is doing and take responsibility for her behaviour I'm not prepared to budge.

Her reaction to that was to accuse me of being distructive and trying to hurt her???

Mum and Dad went to brothers at the weekend and it seems o was the hot topic of conversation. Apparently I'm also not speaking to my brother and his wife?? Granted I don't want to discuss all this crap with them as he is do argumentative and disagrees with me on every point but to me he is adding to the mess by making up stuff.

But what bothers me is Dads telling me this happened but never stuck up for me??

Plus mum wouldn't hear a bad word spoken about my brother yet she is happy to slag me off with him.

Seems I'm left alone and I was the one trying to help them.

A friend

Shot in the back in Afghanistan, just heard last night, he is such a good guy, still waiting for news on how bad the damage is. I'm devastated for him.

Mum wants to be friends

Mum wants to be friends again but I can't find it in me to do it. I don't know if I'm doing that for selfish reasons or because I believe she needs to know what damage she has done so she tries to stick with the doctors programme.

I had to drop off one the kids instruments at their house this morning and she must of overheard dad asking if I was coming in, no I wasn't, I was dropping the stuff at the door and going. As I walked up the drive she was there waiting. As I put down the case she got hold of me to give me a hug and a kiss, saying "aren't you going to say hello" I pulled away said goodbye and walked back to the car.

It aches me much, drove back home numb.

Can't cope with too much more.

Dad has been a fool and moved back in and into the bed. He says he reminds her that he is only there as a carer but I know his actions speak louder than words,in her mind all is back to normal and forgiven.

I've taken a step back It's exhausting and draining, I'm running on reserves now and I don't know how long I can last.

Controlled explosion

I've held back so much this past week, I've been terribly British and kept a stiff upper lip but I know I can't do it much longer.

I nearly cried when talking with the therapist the other day, him and his partner have been so supportive.

Tomorrow the children are out at ballet and the husband at football, I need to cry and get it out my system so I need to watch a sad film, I known once I start that will be it!

Any recommendations?

I'm a fan of the English Patient, it always makes me cry, to see how much he loves her, what he is prepared to endure.

Or maybe the episode of ER where doctor green passes away to the tune of somewhere over the rainbow.

It's better to cry at someone else's misery than my own.

Update

Firstly I had something to smile about... Daughter got 3 awards today at school and invited to audition for the British youth ballet so I am uber proud mum.

Mum went to the doctors and asked for help so I feel like positive progress happened. I let her see the kids briefly, I suppose as a reward us the kids were worried and wanted to see her.

I ended my day in the arms of an old friend who I hadn't seen for a very long time. I needed it after the past week, he held me so tight.

And then my brother turns up

It's so simple to solve all this mess apparently. Seems me and dad are doing the wrong thing.

If only we had my brothers wisdom that he has gained living some 300 miles away. That brilliant insight into what is happening must be such an advantage!!

FFS!

He believes she won't do it again. Really? That simple eh? Ah well I suppose I should apologise for not believing her. There was me going by experience and figuring that the last dozen times she promised she wouldn't, that she would never do it again, that she would rather die than drink and hurt people.

Hey I must of got it wrong this time?

It's enough to make you drink!

Mother update

The paramedic called the police as she started getting violent, she hit me and started to hit my Dad, it was pitiful, heart breaking and all round crap.

The police took her away to the hospital but a few hours later she was back. They wouldnt do anything with her as she was drunk therefore a waste of resource for the hospital.

She was full of venom and told my dad she was going to hurt him in his sleep so since then he has stayed at mine. It isnt ideal but its the best.

18 missed calls on my mobile, 12 messages on home phone and countless on Dad's mobile throughout the night.

The next day dad went to the house to check on her, she pretended nothing had happened, she had cleaned the house and was baking!

Dad packed a bag of clothes and left but a few hours later he got concerned there was a few worrying messages from her. When he went over she was a mess, she was sorry and she wanted help. Dad acknowledge but was brave and left again after making sure she had eaten.

On Sunday it was hell, she was full of hell, violent and drunk again, he was worried she was cooking again and a pan was nearly on fire, he wanted to stay with her,he asked me to come over and help but I didnt think I could help, I feel like if i see her at the minute I will cause more friction. I cant just accept an apology now. I cant pretend this was nothing and it didnt hurt.

For the first time is years my husband stepped up, he offered and went over to help, he was calming and impartial, when he turned up my mum apparently pulled herslef together thinking he had popped over for coffee with the kids?? it was 10pm?

He talked with her and confirmed to my dad she was drunk.

as my husband left she started again and threatened dad again, my brother called in the middle of this and Dad explained what was happening, my brother told Dad to pass mum the phone and to leave the house while he spoke with her. He did.

The calls and vicious messages started again. Its amazing how the drinking distorts the world. She blames me and Dad for pulling the family apart and making her ill?????????????

Waiting for the ambulance and the police

Mothers lost the plot, looks like I'm going to have to section her again. I'm outside, it's raining, it's hiding the tears.

Trying to keep the kids out of the way but the little one is worried why the paramedics are on the drive.

The medic thinks she might be having a mental health issue, I think she is drunk but I'd love to be proved wrong.

It's dads birthday, he shouldn't be deLing with this. Today he closed the doors on his company for the last time and this is what he came home too.

Putting my life on eBay ..... Any bids? Anyone want this crap?

Can't decided

Am I due on or is the husbands insistence on breathing that annoying?

Woke up with the husband forcing himself inside me

I had taken loads of painkillers to try and sleep and had a cheeky whiskey last night, I was so tired and needed to sleep despite the pain from my wisdom tooth.

It was about 2am when I was woken by the husband, he was already inside me, grunting and starting to fuck me. I screamed at him and got up. It has been nearly 18 months since we last had sex, why on earth he thought I would have sex in such a manner when he has made no effort what so ever to have sex consciously.

I sat in the bathroom crying, he was fast asleep again. This morning he says he cant remember and that he was sorry, I told him I felt very upset that he had done it when he knows where we are. I told him he has no right to have sex with me and no right to just take it from me.

Face is a mess and need an operation

Went to the dentist this week for my wisdom tooth out. It was horrific! After an hour of injections, pulling, cutting and drilling it still wouldnt come out.

He gave up, stitched me back up and snet me home. Im in agony and it looks like Ive been smacked in the face a few times, it is so painful and swollen. I have to go into hospital to have it removed in a few weeks.

I have to conclude that this was not a good week.

She said sorry!

I avoided all the calls last night, over 40 missed calls by the time I went to bed. The eldest was up ill with ear ache most of the night so sleep was thin on the ground, not that I could of slept much after yesterdays battle.

I took a call from My Dad at 8pm and expected him to be calling to mediate but he was unaware of what had happened, I think Mum had hoped I would of taken her call accepted an apology and he would be none the wiser.

I had no choice but to go to their house this morning, I needed to drop the daughter off as she was staying off school and my diary had no give today, 6 meetings back to back and I need every bit of business I can get at the minute.

As I walked in the door she said she was sorry “as soon as I threw you out I regretted it, i have been trying to call to say sorry”.

I replied “some things in life you never expect to hear from your mother , unfortunately I have heard them repeatedly, sorry wont fixed this but I will accept your regret”.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” she sobbed “please let us put this behind us and never mention it again”.

I stayed strong despite the tears streaming down my face and said “you said so many hurtful things, things that aren’t true” She nodded and agreed “ you need to take responsibility for ruining your own relationships instead of blaming those close as every time you do this I take a step back away from you”

“I’m Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I left and went to work, tired and angry but trying to focus on work.

This week has got to perk up soon??? For those that just joined the blog (thanks) I’m not normally doom and gloom, you do get to laugh as well, just not sure when that happens next.

Just when you thought it couldnt get any worse

popped in for coffee at mums, I'm trying to be there for her give her support.

I needed to do some work before getting the kids but figured I might as well be sat with her while doing it she seemed happy with the gesture. I'm typing away and she tells me I'm rude. I apologise and explain that I need to do this quickly or I will miss a deadline for payment. She sits quiet... the calm before the storm.

I finish and grab my coffee while it is still hot. The onslaught begins. She berates me for my Dads company failing, she screams at me saying its my fault. I sit quiet letting her say what she needs too. She starts calling my Dad a failure and I see red. How dare she! He has been out there working his ass off while she sat here drinking. I remain calm and explain as best I can what has happened. She attacks me more. I tell her I wont allow her to speak to me like that. She tells me I am ruining her relationship with Dad and my brother, I stand to leave. I am the one person in that family that holds everyone together. My brother is manipulative and callus, I keep matters too myself and never tell her how much grief I get from my brother and this is what I get for it I am the one vilified.

I tell her she is bang out of order. She tells me to fuck off and die.

My heart ached so much, the saddest thing is she has now told me that on 3 occasions, my mother, a woman who never swears tells me that.

I walk to the door as she is screaming at me. I tell her calming you are the one saying this, you are the one telling me to go and ending this relationship. She continues screaming and pushes me out the door.

As I leave she yells you do not get to speak to me like a child. I tell her "start behaving like my mother then"

I have had over 40 missed calls from her now. I cant bring myself to speak to her. I'm so ready to crumble into a 1000 pieces and there is no one to pick me up. I need to be held and no questions asked, just loved for who I am and nothing more.

Thank god for water proof mascara.

tough week - looks like the cancer is back, wedding anniversary and tired kids

hard work getting the kids back into a routine after 6 weeks in France and grand parents rules but getting there, today though the kids as tired and they both have 2 dance classes to go and a birthday party each to attend.

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, 16 years, it seemed a pleasant evening was ahead when i spotted the champagne and fillet steak in the fridge, perhaps he was going to make an effort. I took the kids to dance and when I return he had put everything on the bench and shouted downstairs from the bathroom "I think I got everything you need to do tea" FFS!

I ended up having fun and letting the 9yr old do it all under supervision, she did a great job... look at the starter! Pan seared scallops with a roasted garlic and balsamic dressing. A chef in the making.

Mum discovered 2 lumps in her breasts last weekend, she was at the hospital on Monday and its looking likely. She needs to have a scan next week to confirm.

Dad told her about the company folding just hours before the discovery of the lumps so she has been like a time bomb all week and Friday she went off, 8 weeks of sobriety out the window big style.

I lay in the bath last night pleased that the week was over but today has brought more stress not sure what to do yet. I hid under the duvet for an hour hiding from the world but the problem was still there when I came out.

kids are back

It was such a wonderful moment as the ran out the car and clung to me. It stayed like that for the rest of the day.
God I love them so much. They are my everything.

A bad day and tomorrow is already worse

I met with a male friend for coffee and he distracted me for an hour, I havent seen him for over a year and it was nice to see him again. I forgot how funny he was.

I never slept much last night, there is too much going on, the little sleep I had I was shouting and talking in my sleep.

It been a real tough day at work today, so much to do and tough decissions being made. Tomorrow I have to lay people off, I get to tell my best friend who I love dearly that she has no job.

I have no choice but it doesnt make it any easier to do. I wish I could talk to someone about it all, the husband is in the huff because I told him to give me 10 minutes space when I came in the door, he was complaining I hadnt put away some shoes. He now wont even speak and is being childish saying he is givng me space.... about 100 miles would be a little better I want to yell.

I would never leave him to be so isolated in times of need, Im there when he is stressed offering helo and advice.

He knows what is going on at work, I told him last night, he poured me a drink and said I could have the remote and choose what I wanted, I looked real hard but there wasnt a "blow the fucking idot up button".

As ever I wish I hadnt told him, I wish I had chosen to isolate myself and then I can only blame myself for it. Instead I get to feel that and the let down.

Feeling too fragile

Monday it all got too much for me, i was sat with the tears pouring down my cheeks, i was alone, nobody to touch me. A good blog friend messaged me, I told her things were a bit much for me to cope with. She replied and asked why:

Me to Her
Just too much at once, as ever I'm the one being strong for everyone else and no body is here to hold me. Looks like I might have to make my best friend redundant next week when she gets back off vacation. Dad is still in France with the kids and my mum but he is in such a state about work, he has been on the phone in tears today, he is such a strong man it kills me to hear him in this state. I'm trying to keep him focused and strong, stop him worrying and shield him from the problems but I can't take much more myself.

I feel like I have a scream trapped in my throat. I can't stop to think as I feel the tears well up.

I need somewhere to escape to and be wanted but that is far from on the cards at the moment, the last man I thought wanted me for just being me doesn't. The husbands lack of interest in me and my life is hard to bare.

And to add salt to the wounds I decided to deal with a huge issue from childhood with the therapist this week! I don't know what possessed me to think I should do this now but its eating at me so I suppose now is as good a time as any.

I'm left feeling fragile and exhausted, not sure what to do as there is so much to deal with. Trouble with being the strong one all the time nobody is there for you.



Her to ME
Oh, I am too familiar with silent screaming. What's going on with the work? No job? I have sat here at my desk on many days trying to keep the tears from falling. You and I seem to be very similar creatures. Is your Dad in ill health, is that why you're trying to shield him?

It's terrible wanting to escape and being unable. Our problems are the opposite yet the same. I give myself to everyone around me and don't take any time for myself. Unfortunately, the arms that I used to escape to still want me but are 1000 miles away. You feel drained, alone, and you want to scream, "I want my soul back!" Add that to abuse from the past and you realize that everyone has taken a piece of you you'll never get back. They take without asking and we give without rebuttal. We're always the strong ones. We're always the ones with the perfectly ironed linens and flowers on the table, not letting anyone see that we are flawed and cracked and the super glue that was used to put our chips back in is getting old and we're falling apart. We can't fall apart because we feel it would freak everyone out around us to see our weakness. Our friends would leave because we don't think we have any deep friends but one or two. We don't want those people we socialize with to see that we're not a perfect and regular couple with regular problems or a regular person that just has some issues. We are weak. We are tired. We need to be wanted for nothing more than being wanted. We fuck because we want to feel good about ourselves and look to others for approval of our bodies, our needs, our desires.

Am I getting warm?




She knows me, as she knows herself. Thanks so much for understanding me and you kind words and of course the offer to drink till the small hours xxx

Last night I cried so much, I stood in the shower letting the water hide my tears.

love me, love me not

I hate that I want to be loved, it would be so much easier if I could switch that side of me off. In recent years the one man that I felt truly loved me, who really wanted the raw real me, no compromises, I can not have. He lives the other end of the country and there are so many reasons why we should and can not be together.

The husband says he loves me but has not shown it for years, words are too easy for me it is the actions that occur without request of necessity.

In recent weeks I met a man who within days thought he was in love with me, my sexual nature, my determination for life, my passion for work and commitment to my family; but he wasn't, I told him either the novelty of me or his cock would rub off... the novelty went first.

Other than my Dad the only other man to say he loved me was M. But he never knew the other side to me, so it is unfair to say he truly loved me as it was subject to there being any impacts of reality.

I think I am too complicated for most men to love entirely.I can also struggle to find the words to explain how I feel when I'm with a lover, the man who did truly love me used to say I didn't need to, that he could hear everything I couldn't say to him through my eyes.

I'm successful at work and feisty, I don't suffer fools easy and love to entertain the room. But at home I am the polar opposite unless needed to be. I like a man to be a gent, carry the bag, open the door, take my coat.

In the bedroom I like to be submissive and naughty, but I'm extremely tactile and affectionate and need that in return. However if the mood takes me I'm happy to take the lead.

I am a mother first, then myself second. I adore my children and have so much passion for what they do.

I think it will take some amazing man to love me, want me as I am and no compromise, I hope that when I am ready to be in love again that I find him.

cant sleep

Thank god for NV! 4th night of not being able to sleep, I've been up from 3am tonight, 2am last night and the same the other 2 nights. Too much going on in my head to rest but being so tired isn't helping me deal with stuff.

The therapist also was such a good friend helping me talk through until 6am this morning I'm sure I was a very sobering experience for help, his first hours messages were from a drunk friend, an hour later he was hitting the right keys and I know longer had to decipher his words into a none drunk format.

Missing the kids like crazy and still another week to go until they arrive home. They are having an amazing time and they look great, 6weeks in France has clearly done them good, but 3weeks away from my, even though I know they are in good hands is now feeling too much. I'm planning a special day for them next week and I got 3 weeks of hugs and kisses to catch up on with them.

Husband is being his usual asshole self. He can be so selfish and blinkered at times. He still hasn't sorted out the counciling, I'm not sure what to do with it now. Don't know if I should organise it, which is the sensible thing to do but he made such a drama out of the fact he was going to do it to show his commitment to trying to fix things part of me wants to see how long he will leave it this time. I know its counter productive but I'm at that point that I would rather he proved me right.

Work has been so hard, key staff are on holiday and I'm trying to launch I new company and deal with a huge problem that has me deciding whether to close the company down or not. This week ahead will be crucial.

Going to try to sleep again. I need someone to hold me as I try to sleep, whisper they want me and tell me everything will be ok and that they are there for me. ( It beats the 'FFS can't you just chill' I got from husband last night when I got up)

Im Back

Hello *big waves*

I'm back, I made it!

Not sure if I'm still sane, others will have to judge that. I have to say I don't feel like Ive had a holiday. I have cooked and cleaned for two brats and my 2 children. The husband and mother behave exactly how I thought they would.

My Father arrived a week early and added to the mad house and the work load. I hadn't realised that my mother was allergic to the kitchen.

The husband was a lazy twat and we had a few rows down to his parenting skills, he doesn't get that being the fun daft parent only score points with the kids when its enjoyable... get this...

The son, who at best meets the world with his head, he is more than a tad accident prone but he bounces well. This day he slips on the stairs and tumbles down a few. The husband is only 2 or 3 feet away playing on the Wii, the son lies there crying holding his head and elbow. Guess what happened next

a) he rushes to his aid
b) he shouts for me and I deal with child
c) he turns and says this game only has 20 seconds to go, just wait

I shall post the answer in comments so it is a nice surprise for you...

holiday

Needing to be home now, I've had enough. Husband driving me mad and Mother is even worse. The first week my Mum cried more than she didn't. Spent most of my time distracting the kids and soothing my mother even though at at times I wanted to slap her. I've had to say some harsh thing but now is the time to be honest with her.
Funny thing is one day she said I deserved to be sainted for puTting up with hubby and on the same day hubby said I deserved a knighthood for putting up with my mum! It would make me laugh if I was so scared I would never stop and hysteria would start!


A week ago my dad turned up, he was missing the kids to much. The aren't arguing (they are in the middle of a split) but they are both being martyr, I'm ready to bang there heads together!!

They are both trying to be the most hurt, the most left out the most sacrificial. I went out today for an hour alone, I was ready to scream. I've had a headache for days and its all of them that's causing it.

Yesterdays In The Real World post took it out of me as well. I spent most of last night up worrying if I'm doing the best for my children. I came to the conclusion I'm doing my best and I can do no more, nothing I do for me effects them negatively so I suppose I just got to wait and see what adults I produce.

Beam me up Scotty (and deliver me home)

Go check me out on Real World!

"A few years ago I had an affair.  It wasn't something I had planned...but it was amazing because someone actually wanted me. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Since then, I've enjoyed other affairs.

I do not seek a new partner. I do not wish to introduce a new person to my children because their lives are at such a key stage of growing up. But I came to realization some years ago - I had lost myself. When I am with my lover, I am me. They hold me, they see me, they listen to me. It keeps me smiling and make me have a feeling of self worth.  I feel whole again."

That's just a snippet of what I participated with NV on "He Said She Said" in Real World.  Go check me out!

Laughing so hard

So I was at having dinner the wine is flowing and I'm chatting with my mother (she isn't drinking) the flies are annoying us, they come in late at night. Without saying a word I hit one on the table. We cheered and continue talking.

Then another fly goes past me, it lands near me, without thinking I strike it hard.

My mum spat her dinner out and starts laughing, the husband screams as he hit the floor and calls me a useless fucker for the side-on strike to the head. Oooops the fly was on his head!!!

Still laughing now!

Husband arrrrrggggghhhh!!!

The husband is on top form, turns out he pimped up his last company car and we just got a huge bill for bigger alloys, nicer car mats and a non standard colour FFS! Its a couple of thousand the bill, should he not of discussed commiting us to that??

So because I think he was selfish for adding such extras to his car he isnt speaking to me. As ever I'm the bad guy but that money will have to come from the families savings therefore its the families decision ?? right??

The trip

This morning was a tad stressful. Husband went to hair dresser and left me to pack car.... Fucking useless twat has took the roof box keys with him! When he got back gave me the keys and went to shower. "Don't worry honey I don't mind doing EVERYTHING"

Mum cried as my dad said fair well, he kissed me and the kids then left. The exclusion from the affection hurt her, I get it but she has to take some responsibility for that.

Stopped for a lush picnic... I am a domestic goddess after all and the spread even surprised me at how great it was.

Got nearly 4hours left of today's driving (or maybe a lot longer if the London traffic is bad) and the kids are already asking "are we nearly there yet?"

Considering the close confines in the back of the car with my Mum they are being really good. So proud of them.

Packed but not ready

All anyone has done today has told me to "stop frowning", I can't!

"Are you excited for your holidays" they ask, I've smiled and said I will be when Ive finished packing, its the most I cant muster at the moment.

Good news is I've managed to fix a few work based problems so at least that part of my world should not implode.

Dad is ill, in a state as he knows he has fucked up at work big style, he is grateful Ive fixed it but not coping well. There house goes up for sale on Thursday, Mum does know.

As for Mum, every day this week she has been on in tears. My brother has told her unless she admits she is a drunk he will not tolerate her any more in his life. Tough love perhaps but its not helping her. She can hardly speak without tears falling down her face and tomorrow morning from 8am she is my property for 3 weeks.

On a personal level, Ive never felt so alone in my life. But I wish I was alone for the next 3 weeks.

I keep focusing my thoughts on the time with the kids I know that's going to be amazing, it will be my everything.

While Im Away

My good friend NV is going to be posting for me. I have access to my email via my blackberry and no doubt I will be needing to get it out of my head over the next few weeks. So whilst I might no get a chance to visit your blogs, keep me posted, email me any of your posts so I don't miss out x

Thanks for being there xxxxxxxxxxx

and super big thanks to Nolens Volens for taking care of my baby in my absence x

Im so loved

This morning my son woke me, he was singing while sat on the toilet, I lay there smiling half asleep as he murdered JLS My heart wont beat again.

I must of dozed off, I was woke by a kiss on the cheek and a big smile. He was proud of himself he had made me breakfast, a huge bowl of bran and fruit, I dont like it but today its my favourite. I eat it with his hand guiding every spoonful in, I so know I'm loved.

happy birthday

It was my youngest birthday party on Sunday, he's 7 this week. He is one of those kids everybody loves, he is funny but not cheeky, he is always laughing and making jokes, full of manners and he dances whatever he does where ever he goes.

The party was themed.... Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory... it was a success, we had chocolate fountains with marshmallow and fruit kebabs, 12 different sorts of cakes, 8 sorts of sweets, biscuits, chocolate dipped apples,chocolate milkshake in a drinks fountain... nothing sensible to eat, it was like a kids dream feast.

With the stress of the previous week I didn't get a chance to start sorting stuff out for the party until Thursday. I dropped the kids off at dance class and dashed to the shops. When I got home the husband was just back from a week away and grumbling where tea was. I foolishly felt bad and cooked for him them started baking.

I finished at around 1am and headed to bed. The next day started with a coffee and a cry. A good friend sat and held me while I let go. I felt so much better, I didn't look it when I headed to work but my heart didn't ache as much. I was there 2 hours when I got 2 calls back to back. Daughter was sick at school and mother had fallen drunk.

I sorted daughter out and went to check on mother and get birthday cake that my mother had offered to make to find than when drunk she had destroyed it. I was devastated but not to be defeated.


After dance classes Friday I worked late making biscuits and more treats for the guests. I got up early and was at Costco for it opening grabbed the last of what I needed and returned home to do more dance class Taxis! Thankfully while sat watching my children dance from the comfort of my car I received a phone call, Dutch, the call made me smile, it put a bounce back into my step. He called again a little later, we talked so easily, we discussed the possibilities of meeting again when I return from holiday.

I had left a list of what was needed to be taken to my parents house for the husband and when I returned nothing was done, well he had 're prioritised' to quote him. He thought sorting the garage out was more urgent than a party for our son.

As you can imagine the rest of my night was spent driving food and play stuff to my parents house (which was where the party was).

I was at my parents for breakfast with both kids, the husband was to follow on once ready. He arrived at 12.15 (party starts 1pm) I had managed without but I was so angry. When he arrived he had forgotten the pump for the inflatables and he had to go back for it. He got back after the first guests arrived.

I was face painting the kids as the arrived, Dad was setting stuff up for me and Mum was staying sober and helping with the food.

I asked him to sort drinks out for the adults that were staying, he tended to the first guests and then he got him and his mates some cans of lager and sat down. I wish he hadn't been there. I would of rather been annoyed at his absence than seen him sat being ignorant.

We played games for nearly 4 hours, stopping only for sweets and chocolates. Id lost my voice from shouting, my feet black from running in the grass, my face aching from laughing and smiling with the kids.


The party was amazing, this morning parents stopped me to say their kids thought it had been the best ever party. My son says I'm the best Mum in the world but I think that was down to him getting an IPod from me!

At least I can see I won yesterday, I enjoyed my day regardless. I often worry if I leave him what will I do, I have been with him over half my life, my entire adulthood, the answer is just as I do now, I see that, I just need to believe it a little more.

Alone

Alone again, husband hasnt come home, he text to say he is staying away another night. We spoke briefly this morning, he was telling about a minor issue he has at work and asked if I would draft a letter and review a contract, I told him how things were, that I felt I couldnt cope with much more pressure at the moment, work, family, marriage and its our sons birthday party also this weekend, his reply was, dont worry I dont need it till monday. I sat crying in the car, I felt so isolated, so alone, Id tried to speak up and say I couldnt cope and he didnt even enquire further.

The stress of everything is takings its toll and im worried for my Dad. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders and its making him ill. Things have gone bad at work, we head home early to find some quiet to think and regroup our thoughts and find Mum drunk again

I needed a friend last night and it turns out he was there for me I just didnt have my phone on. He was there again this morning for me and I didnt see until it was too late.

I need a hug

cant even begin to explain what a bad few days Ive had personally, Ive been distracting myself with thoughts of the weekend and blogging. Today things got worse, both at work and family.

Things just got too much for me today and I left work early. The tears keep appearing and I don't know what to do I feel like if I let them out they wont ever stop. I can't show anyone I'm failing so badly they are all relying on my to keep them strong but nobody is checking on me. It seems to be a one way street instead of a circle of support. Maybe I'm just being selfish and not seeing it.

I just wanted one thing positive to come from today, I'm sat alone, sat in totally dispair and cant find what it could be. Wishing the kids weren't away tonight as I could really do with a hug without questions as I dont have the answers for myself.

Took TRIP to Amsterdam, FELL for Dutch

Obviously this week I will spilling the naughty stuff on the other blog but I need to put the other 'stuff' down, I need to try and put some order to it all.

I was so nervous leading up to this weekend worried I would be a let down, I knew he was such a great guy and felt a fell far short of him. It seems he harboured the same worries.

It was such a relief to see him at the airport, right up to that moment I thought it was all going to be a cruel joke.

Sat in the taxis the way he looked at me said it all. The relief must of been evident, I could feel myself melt, he touched my hand and took hold of me, it was like electricity flowing.

When we got to room and we drew close together, he held me so tight, I felt like he couldn't pull me close enough, it mirrored how I felt. Every moment felt so intimate, when he came he held me, when he sensed I need to be held while cumming he wrapped himself around me. At one point on Saturday night I cried when cumming, it was so intense and I was in such a raw emotional state, my soul was lay naked along with me, I let go and came and allowed my emotions to follow. I lay in his arms feeling so wanted, I hope it was right.

Early hours of Sunday morning as we settle down to spoon and sleep, my mind was racing, we were now entering the last few hours together and I wanted more. I needed to know if this weekend was it? did I stand the chance of becoming his lover or were we to be back at friends. I got brave and asked, he said he wanted to do this again.

I'm trying my best not to keep thinking about it but all my thoughts are consumed by him and I don't understand yet what he wants, I don't mean that I expect a full relationship from him, we are miles apart and I cant disappear to Europe every other weekend, and there is that minor detail of a husband I have. But for me this weekend was more than sex, I felt we connected, I hope he feels the same too.

Regardless of the fluffy details though this weekend I know I have a friend, I know I want to spend more time with him whatever the terms.

Real heros

Two planes landed in England yesterday .... One carrying a group of overpaid,
underachieving prima-donna footballers .... the other carrying seven coffins
draped in The Union Jack Flag. Hero is a much over used word these
days, but I know where my priorities lie even if the press don't. RIP lads and thanks for protecting me and mine

Keeping a friend smiling

I'm the kind of friend that likes to be there for people when they need it. Not to over crowd them with sympathy or pity but to give them what they need when they need it.

My oldest friend found out she has breast cancer just last week, next week they are doing her mastectomy. Obviously Ive offered to be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on BUT i know she is surrounded by family that is there fore that. She lost her brother to cancer when we were little so the family are supportive but a tad depressing in my opinion.

SO! my job is the cheerer upper. Last night I had her over with some friends for a BBQ and a fair well to the old tits party. She loved it. We had a giggle we have a good feel of her old boobies and plan to have another party to welcome the new falsies in 2 months.

She has a tough few weeks ahead and I plan to make her laugh and keep her smiling as best I can. I'm sure we will shed some tears along the way but I hope its from laughing too much.

Love you to bits babe... keep your chin up and don't gloat when your boobs are more pert than mine!

an important man in my life

He is a special guy, I don't know what I would do without him. He loves me regardless, he forgives me whatever, he helps me when I need him, he does it without question or trade. He is my Dad.

He turns a blind eye when its needed and he touches my hand to let me know everything is ok without saying a word.

I have looked up to him all my life, he seemed ten foot tall when I was little. These days he seems taller... I know I mean the world to him, everything is mutual

Happy fathers day xx

domestic goddess but oh so invisible

The in laws were coming up and to be honest I had visitor fatigue before they even got here. The husband has been preparing lists all week. The good weather food list, the bad weather food list, the drinks list... well you get my point I'm sure.

Daft thing is he doesn't do the food I do so not only is the list boring me and finding it condescending and irritating. So I do what us wives do best and totally ignore him.

I'm told that the guests will arrive about 2ish, ballet for the son is 2.15 for an hour but I've prepared a seafood platter, laden with fresh crab and prawns, some chilled prosecco and a pepper and tomato salsa id spent all morning making. I return from ballet and no guests. The next class starts at 4.15, when we leave for that there is still no guests, no phone calls and as far as I can see no manners!!

5.30 and I'm back with the daughter, the BBQ that was lit at 4.30 is now wasted and will need restocking, the fish platter is now overkill as all they need is one meal if they ever turn up.

6pm they finally turn up, it seems they decided to go to the hotel and have a swim and a nap as they thought we might be busy!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes waiting for them!!

The food went down a storm, the beer was flowing and they all went to watch the England game, I was just sitting down to eat and was left alone. My daughter came and sat with me and she said it made her feel a little bit sad that nobody waited for me and nobody stayed with me... me too.

The husband drank too much watching the match and got obnoxious and rude. I was on the receiving end and subjected to being humiliated in front of his family. It really hurt. I went so far out of my way to put on a spread that impressed them, I entertained everyone, I kept the drinks topped up, I took the little ones out the way and played with them so they could enjoy the football.

When everyone had gone I was tidying up with him, I turned around and he was gone. he had gone to bed. not word to me of appreciation, not even a comment of sorry I'm tired I have to go.

I really feel invisible today.

what a roller coaster of life

I haven't had a chance to do the post on my other blog as yet but had a really intense session with the therapist (for those not following he is not doing normal therapy... we got naughty together) I had abstained for 10 days so I was pent up and aching when I arrived. I have had a tough few weeks and its hard to keep it all hidden. Towards the end of our session I was so aroused and thoughts of HIM entered my mind, I was blindfolded and with ear plugs in and my face also masked in with gauze so I could switch off and be anywhere. I started to build to a climax, I could tell it was going to be intense but as I came a sudden sense and realisation of not being loved came over me. As I came I burst into tears. I lay there tied up, shuddering from one the most intense orgasms and crying. I felt so silly. It was a response I had no control over it just happened.

Then today, as already posted over on the other blog I had a horrid experience with a jerk, I fled shaking, I could hardly drive for the panic. When I got on the main road the tears started to trickle down my face. Why as such a bright person did I get into that mess???

on the up side....Son won a tennis tournament, daughter passed her bike ability exams

then it was down again....then daughter took ill and threw up all over dance studio.

rewarding day

just spent the day doing my volunter work and feel happy I made a difference to 12 youths with life challenges. It makes you feel taller as you leave, it makes your heart swell as you see them see a new direction and life possibilities. We did an excercise and I got them the write on the flip chart what assumtions they had made about me in the first hour of meeting me. I made me smile so much I thought I would take a picture and share it.

life update

Mum has returned from staying at my brothers, 5 days of his tough love seems to of been enough He never let her out his sight so so was clammering to get home o 'fix' things (AKA drink). Saying that she seems to of stayed sober so far. She has come back aggressive and angry with dad, she thinks its all his problem, he s driving her to drink. She has to my brother that dad is beating her and he is a fool and believing her. He doesn't see how far she is prepared to lie to cover the drinking.

The marriage counselling still hasn't been sorted the husband is delaying I think. I want it ASAP but I need him to book it, i need him to take some responsibility for it otherwise it is pointless.

The ex lover seems to of forgotten that it was him that hurt me, we had split but he seems to think that I have ruined us by having sex with Jack. I have broke his heart, broke our chances, I was a fool for a few days thinking I had then got a grip and now feel so much more positive about myself again.

I met with an old friend this week (read the naughty side of it on my other blog) I was so worried meeting him and was partially relieved we didn't end up in bed as I was concerned he expected me to be so much more than I am He reads the blog and he myself in a panic thinking he would be disappointed by me in reality. I brought this up with the therapist (in a cloths on moment) he said I was worthy of the higher opinion, it ade me smile... but I still worry!

I'm so missing intimacy, I'm missing being and feeling loved. I can really feel the gap HE left in my life and I still miss HIM so much.

HUGE apologies

I have just had it brought to my attention that I had disabled comments!! daft me was thinking why does nobody comment on this blog, I get the odd email but when I first started out you guys were so helpful with your comments. So BIG apologies for gagging you and comment away please and let me know I'm not here on my own x

the week got worse

Just in the midst of dealing with the parents the husband decided to remove his head from the sand and deal with our marriage. The first week ever I haven't wanted to deal with it... sods law.

He shouted at me for 3 hours, I tried to say silent and let him get it out but in the end it was too much. He told me I was lazy and selfish. I am so not. I do so much I just do it without complaint. I do it because it needs to be done not because its a score tally.

We manged to resolve by 3am that we didn't agree. At least we agreed to that and despite his previous turn downs he has agreed to go to counselling. I don't know if it will fix it but it will mean he doesn't shout at me.

He thinks I'm with holding sex from him now to hurt him. I told him that I cant just switch back on what took 3 years to turn off. I cant let him reset the clock to zero and for it to be bad sex without any affection. I'd rather do without.

I said if you think I am hurting you after 1 turn down and 1 week why can't you see that after years of it on so many occasions of turn me down and laughing at me can you not see the hurt you have given me?? he tells me I'm bending his words. I think that its just the other side to the argument and it needs discussing.

Counselling is to start next week allegedly but at this point all I want is for them to say I've tried and its OK to fail.

sorry i couldnt blog

Its all been a bit too much the last week I havent dared to stop and think.

I think the next week isnt going to be any easier but for new reasons.

Dad left Mum yesterday and the world imploded. She threatened to kill herself to him, call my brother and said he had hit her, spoke with me and said it was the best thing that could of happened!!! I was sat in shock and realising what a horrid disease Alcohol is. She said, totally believing herself that it was about time Dad got a grip as he was losing the plot and on the verge of driving her to drink!!!! seriously!!!! Dad left because he couldn't take watching her slowly kill herself.

She confessed to falling of the wagon this week a tad, well it was a 1ltr bottle of Porcheen 70%proof and she nearly choked to death. I suppose that does constitute more than normal but it seems she forgot she was also drunk 4 days solid the previous week.

The hardest thing is keeping quiet, I want to scream at her and tell her what she is doing but the experts say i'd do more harm than good she has to work it out herself when she is good and ready.

My brother rings me and tells me I've abandoned her and the im a bad person. It easy to have that opinion from over 300 miles away and not having to pic up the pieces every day. Not having to rush to the hospital when she is so drunk she has fallen into the road and accusing the person that stopped to help her of pushing her. He didnt have to hold her wrists as she bled while she wished me dead as I sat waiting for the ambulance. He didnt have to have her sectioned.

Im hoping she will see the light but optomism is hard to come by this week.

how do u make ur blog popular?

using fairy dust and naked pictures as far as I can tell so far!

Ask me anything

son went missing - group therapy at in the real world

Saturdays are all about the kids dance classes, I'm a taxi and I love it. It’s my day to be proud I don’t see it as a chore.

The last of the classes ended and we headed home, it was about 6pm. The son was playing out and the husband enjoying a beer watching footy. At 6.30pm I asked what time the son had to be back, (he is only 6 years old and whilst you got to let them have some freedom it comes with boundaries and controls. The ones I set are no further than the park and if he goes in a friends house we have to know which one and agree times to come home).

"He is due back soon" hubby says, I continue to prepare tea. At 7pm I ask "who is he with?", “I dunno” was the reply “a little guy on a bike” . What time did you say he should be back “he couldn’t find his watch so I didn’t say when”.

I grab my bike and get the girls to get their’s and do a lap of the estate and he is no where to be seen.

I go into mild panic but control and strategy are also present. I go back to ask the husband "is he on his bike his scooter or what?" “why you all mad at me” he says “I’m not the one who’s late”.

Using carefully chosen language that I shall not repeat “it's about finding him right now not your ability to act as a responsible parent” he said “more like you are being neurotic, he will be fine, he will come home soon”.

Really would you sit at home waiting to find out or would you knock on every friends door until you found him?

I did, he was in the 6th house colouring in Ben 10 posters.

When we got home and I had a calm chat with the son about being specific about where he was and who he was with he said, "I told Daddy I was in Lewis’s house and he said ok". The husbands memory instantly returned and he said, "yeah the little guy was called Lewis!"

All he had to do was take some responsibility and remember some basic info and none of that would of happened. Instead he told me I was being unreasonable and dramatising something that didn’t need to be.

Or was I over reacting?

go see the group therapy on this at

Unpicked at seems and falling apart

Lay in bed Monday morning, husband enters the room with coffees and gets in bed. He normally puts the TV on, i hate it. He watches TV while we eat and as soon as we wake up in the morning. I find it invasive, he says I moan.

As ask "whats up why no TV, whats wrong".

He said "I want to have sex and I don't know where to start"

I sat up in bed and jaw dropped in disbelief. "its been nearly a year since you last did why now, why after I've begged you so much?"

"i don't know" he says

"i can't, I warned you you were pushing me away, I told you if you don't fix it soon I will be too far gone, I'm there, I've shut down to make it hurt less"

"what do you expect from me" he asked

"to be a good parent and my friend"

"i can do that" he replied

"I know, that's why I'm still here, if it wasn't for the children I would of left, how many times would you turn up to foot training and not be picked before you stopped going?" crap analogy i know but I hadn't planned this conversation despite the fact I've had the conversation in my head a million times.

"nothing has changed since September, you have done nothing and expect everything to be fixed, it's not, I'm still as sad and feeling rejected as I was then now, I lie on the edge of the bed every night acutely aware of the gap that is growing and not knowing what to do to stop it, I suggested counseling, you refused and were mad at me for doing it"

"i will do it now" he sobbed

"I don't believe you, you have had you chance and you did nothing, you promised we wouldn't stop talking about this until it was fixed and you shouted at me every time I brought it up, I feel like I've compromised enough" I sobbed in return grabbing the tissues. "When did you last kiss me, make love to me?"

"I don't know but I want to now"

"you only want what you can't have, you don't want me, do you recall what happened the last time we had sex?"

"no"

"After me begging for sex for weeks you bent me over the bed and came. You didn't touch me, you didn't kiss me, you didn't make me cum" Proper sobs now "I went and got a toy and asked you to make me cum, you got up and went in the shower and told me to do it" blow of nose "I told you for weeks you still owe me an orgasm, trying to make light of it, trying to encourage you to fix it without making an issue but you didn't".

"I'm sorry, we have been together so long and you are confident you should tell me what you want and like"

"do you know what i like?" I ask angry

"you like it hard from behind" he says with confidence

"you are so far away with that, that is what you like and I give it too you, I love oral sex when was the last time you gave me that?"

"i don't know" he sobs

"before children, over 10 years ago!!!!!!!!!!" I'm upset and mad now "I've tried so hard to show you what I like, I've even had you shave me just months ago and you did nothing, you made now attempt to enjoy it, you complained and said why was I bothering nobody sees it, do you know how many of your friends would love to shave there wife's pussy!!!!!!!!!!!!" I know stupid but I was clutching at straws!

"you just don't see me anymore" I'm in full flow of tears now, more anger than sadness but it hurts.

"do you want a fresh coffee" he says

He return to the bedroom, undressed got in the shower and nothing else was said. I dumb founded, I don't get it, was that it? nothing else to say, no outcome? no to do list?

I spent the rest of the day in the garden, planting veggies with the kids. Conversations in my head whirring round and tying me in knots. Aching for someone to hold me, I need the lover now but I've burned that bridge last night I think and as i sat numb clutching a glass of wine it was confirmed. The email saying he still wanted to be friends, the one that says our journey together is over, that he wont be there to hold me.

Tears are streaming as I type this, heart aches so much.

Closure or re-opening the wound??

Been a long weekend but I'm rewarded with 2 nights of being husband and child free!

Such a big decision to make. The lover announced last week that his job has changed and wont be coming up again, so that's it we are done, heart broke and after a week I'm mentally back together again at least on the surface(just), I don't want to cry anymore I'm just numb and aching inside.

He is coming up the country this week half way and wants to meet, see each other for the last time.

What do I do? I know it will hurt saying good bye for what might be forever, it already has been a painful experience, losing a lover and friend is never good and even if we do get to see each other again it would be a once a year thing so regardless this is the end of our relationship.

It already hurts, I want to see him but I don't want to spend the night hurting again.

Am I being selfish not going? Will I regret not seeing him?

Heart is heavy

Looks like it is over with the lover.

Since having the out pouring last week and getting things sorted he has been great and actually making an effort then awful news hit last night. His job is changing, it looks like his new role means he wont be travelling, it mean we won't see each other again.

I don't know how to feel but at the moment I'm aching more than I knew I could but I have to keep it hidden under a false smile.

Homework!

OK time to get on the soap box as a parent!

My daughter ask me for help with her homework on Monday night, she didn't know where to start with the research, she is only 9 and been set the task of doing comparisons of 3 explorers and didn't know anything about them. I told her to go start the other homework and would get her some information on them. I started to read over the task in hand and was shocked at how hard it was.

She need to to do a lifestyle comparison of an Arctic Inuit and a tribe person of Africa.

Then do a time plan and map diagram of where the explorers have been

write about key highlights of their explorations

The do a list of what they need to take with them and why

Then do a poster on the differences between north and south pole

The do a letter home as if you were an explorer in the early 1900's

She is 9! It has taken us 7 hours joint work to do it all. How is a child to do this alone? how are parents to be able to do this while caring for other children, work and run a home??? For those less fortunate it could not be done in the time given for the task. We had to cram the work in 2 nights as dance classes take over the rest of the week and to be honest if it needed anymore time on it I could not do it and would of rather sent a strongly worded letter to the school.

I agree to stretch the children and encourage learning at home but this is beyond a joke and has for the last 2 days prevented her from playing and enjoying what I see as a far more important skill of social development.

Getting of soap box now!

such sad news

For those that read my other blog you may of noted in the midst of being naughty I was distracted by a message. It was from an old friend and lover. He moved abroad last year but we still keep in touch.

He is a special guy I've know him for years, he has given his best years to queen and country, was badly injured but battled to get back from what many would of given up on. Just as he got his life back together and had a child he was then diagnosed with Parkinson's. The pressure blew apart his marriage but as ever he didn't give in, he never has. Today I hear he has cancer skin and multi organ tumors, just got over surgery to remove one from behind his eye and now awaiting reconstruction surgery. Trapped abroad, alone, no family with him. He has 6-12months left :-(

As ever he is so up beat and not wanting to worry anyone. I just want to reach out and hold him. I know under the hard man act he will be aching so much. He so does not deserve this, really looking to the skies and asking why him tonight.

He is hoping to be well enough to travel in June if so we've agreed to meet up, I'm buying the pizzas and beer apparently and Dr's orders is that i wear a low cut top and stockings!

the redefining of the relationship

where to start?

been a hard week, tried not to glance back at all or contemplate much but its never a great plan. Since last weeks big question the husband has hardly spoken to me. I want to finish the conversation but he clearly doesn't want to hear it. I have hundreds of half written sentences in my head, conversations I've had in my mind and so many possible outcomes. I was all set up to talk on Sunday but when he came back in from the game he was drunk, and not good drunk, he was being an ass. Aggressive and rude, talking to me like I'm an idiot, getting the kids hyper and excited just before bed time. Thankfully he fell asleep at 8pm and I got the kids to bed and some peace and quiet.

Its been difficult with HIM (the lover) also this last week or so. For all he See's me, the real me, at times he doesn't see how he can effect my life. Last week he told me the day before, 12 hours before his planed landed that he was coming. It is so hard to swing the excuses to get away for the night.

and maybe I'm selfish??? this weekend he has been alone, no wife or family and he didn't make any arrangement to call me. He knows I would make myself available to take a call but I don't feel I should have to ask for it. Its gone from speaking to him everyday to once a fortnight, from having daily chats online to him not bothering to turn up. Yet when I say things have changed and lets take a step back I have wounded him. I told him yesterday how much it hurts when he makes promises and doesn't bother to deliver or apologise. That he has gone from needing me daily to it being convenient for him when he is up here. And please don't get me wrong, I sound needy as I reread this, remember we met on a swing site and was not looking for strings, I never asked it of him it was something that happened organically and naturally. He was the one that ask me to be his.

I think we have reached the agreement that our relationship is we are each others when we are in the same room.

He asked me to tell him if I sleep with anyone else... does he really want to know?

Lets see how it goes?

yesterday morning

He turns to me, the husband, "can we have sex" I was shocked, I looked shocked I'm sure, its been so long, my reply "no"

He asked why, confused thinking I would be pleased, its been 11 months now since we last had any sort of sex and that was beyond awful I was a posh wank for him, he left the mess and gave no care, affection or pleasure.

I answered "because your 10 months too late" he said "can't we have make up sex then I'm really horny" "no" I replied. "you've hurt me too much, I gave you the chance you declined, that's not part of us anymore".

I'm numb, I need to say more but I can't form a full sentence, so I'm hiding now in the study pretending to work, but really I'm avoiding the silence.

Domestic goddess

Been baking tonight, chocolate fudge cake in the shape of a pony. its my little girls birthday on Sunday, she will be 9. Next week is her main party for her friends, the one that counts in her world but Sunday we are having a family gathering. I have plans of a great festival of foods and treat, games and dancing. Sounds great doesn't it but sat behind it is a bad dynamic.

1) Dad's leaving Mum no-one knows but me and them
2) My brothers up with his family, to say I dislike him would be the understatement, A long standing position that I can not express to anyone
3) My dad and brother don't get on
4) My Mother's a drunk and will either be sober and grumpy or drunk and annoyingly enthusiastic
5) Me and Hubby aren't speaking

BUT!!!! it's about my princess, I know it, I just hope they remember that otherwise me and her will be in the car and away before they see past there own noses.

They make me me

been a bad week. Following last Fridays debacle of my mother going missing she has been drunk more days than sober, i tried to reason and help but now Ive stepped back and leaving her too it. It's hurting too much.

I see my Dad on the edge, unable to cope or express himself. Yet he is the most able and expressive of people. She is killing him.

The Lover has been aloof all week, ill, his cold got so bad his fingers could not work it seems. I'm trying not to react or show my reaction as that is not what our relationship is about but respect is so it's hard not to blurt 'For Fucks Sake' but I'm trying.

Husband has been his usual self, selfish. The children have been amazing and make me smile every day. They are my everything, they make me me.

Why its a bad day

Having a terrible few days personally so not had any time for myself. I so need to disappear alone for even a few hours, some quiet time to think. I doubt if I had the time today I could even achieve an orgasm as my mind isn't in the right space.

I have a place I love to go, its a beach, a perfect place, I've only shared the place once with someone else, we stood there the tide was out, the sun had set but the moon was bright and reflecting off the sea. The wind wasn't too kind but that help, it made him hold me tighter, it made me feel so safe, I often go there when my mind gets to cluttered or I feel overwhelmed, that's where I need to be tonight.

Mother and lover are AWOL, Mum disappeared yesterday after a tearful phone call with me, she turned up later and put the house up for sail and announced a divorce from my father, which is actually what he wants but she was drunk and she think she is playing a game, she doesn't know she has already lost. Then today just as I was about to go see my daughter receive an award I got another call from her saying how despertate and sad she is and the she needed me. I turned up sacrificing my daughters event and leaving her alone to receive abuse. I left after a few minutes to salvage the thing I should never of caught sight of that day. I got there just in time thank god.

Since then my day has been littered with drunk phone calls, tears and thoughtless apologies.

I sat waiting for my lover to appear online and he hasn't turned up, he hasn't emailed, he hasn't bothered. I'm off to bed in hope tomorrow will redress the balance and be a wonderful day!

woke up by a power ranger with a box of chocolates

if only that happened everyday!

the power ranger disapeared and returned with a bowl full of breakfast it was a concoction of everything which was so evident when I went downstairs he had grabbed a handful of each cereal and mixed them up! the demonstration of love and affection would take a while to tidy up!!

I returned to the duvet and and was joined by my daughter for a cuddle, she had flicked on a movie and we lay together eating the chocs so cosy and warm.

Domestic duties beckoned and had my mother coming over for lunch. The husband had said he would do it but half hour before anyone was due to turn up the oven wasnt even on. I managed to turn a miricle and serve up a suitable meal of haggis, neeps and tatties, my mums favourite just in time, as the door bell rang the husband appeared and said he would go do dinner!! er no thanks

you may of noticed the lack of inetraction with the husband and it is a true reflection of the day. Nothing said, he was never in the same room unless by chance.

I was struggling to hold back tears all day. I stood hidden in the bedroom with tears flowing down my face, trying my best to hold them in but it was making it worse. My head was full of anger by 3 as we headed to the childs birthday party. I wanted to scream out "nothing has changed" "you have done nothing to fix this so why cat you let me go?"

For 2 hours in company the charade of the perfect family was played, my friend even messaged to say had we sorted ourselves out as he looked tactile and wasnt rude. But no. It was just his act. As we arrived home he sat down to watch the football while I fed and bathed the children, did homework and read stories.

I sat and worked for the rest of the evening to avoid being ignored any further. After a brief conversation with the lover on-line which was not the best as he has been playing games all week and im tired of it and had to make a point... it wasn't the best day to push it with me, I just sat and stared into the abys and let the tears flow again.

Mothers day

apparently in 1 hour it is my day???

if only! ive been hijacked.... tomorrow is my mothers day, my friends birthday, my other friends childs birthday party, it's a work deadline and the fist day in 2 weeks I have to catch up on house work.

I get to cook dinner for 8, drive to friend and impart a gift, go to a 6yr olds party and then conme back and iron.... oh the joy! i can only hope this year brings a better gift than last, but its not hard to beat nothing, not even a card.

In addition me and the lover are at logger heads and im not wishing to back down. I'm confident im right, I'm sure of myself on this so I need to stick to my guns on it.

back to reality with a thump

the lover has gone, 3 weeks until I see him again, not too bad considering the last few times its been 7 weeks.

It's been such a wonderful few days but the aftermath is such a head fuck. It's like waking from a perfect dream and the finding out lifes still as crap as when you fell asleep. the hardest part is the contrast, the husband arrives home tonight and I bet he doesnt touch me for days. he never does. Beyond speaking about household things, nagging that I havent done something or complaints about the children I doubt a conversation will pass between us. So to go from being adored to being invisable is a hard journey to make in a day.

I never noticed it happen over the years as it was a slow and slight process but its so stark and hurtful in 24hrs.

I was glad he was away last night as my heart ached too much to be in the same room as him anyway. I plowed myself into domestic duties and motherhood doing homework, washing and sewing ribbons on my daughters new ballet shoes. My son sneaked in my bed and was a treasure to discover when I went to bed tired. As I climbed in he snuggled up and reached for my hand, it was just what I needed.

The husband goes away for the weekend with the lads tomorrow, I hope he enjoys the weekend with her. Im off dancing!

I had forgotten what it was like

Lay there in such bliss with his arms wrapped around me, pulling me close to him and kissing me. Apart from the intimacy and the feeling of love, he is much taller than me, which is rare as I pretty tall as girls go, I feel protected, almost delicate. It feels so right.

Since he arrived yesterday afternoon and until 8.30 this morning as he left for work I don't think he let go of me for more than a minute. It was perfect.

He has just called to tell me he will be only 5 mins and to meet him under the duvet.. naked, he needs to be close to me, he must of read my mind!

back later!!

the silence is so loud

My Mum asked me while we were away, "when do you think he will notice you have gone" I shrugged my shoulders, she replied for me, "well I think you left a few months a go, you just haven't changed your address".

Been back a 5 days now and other than perfunctory conversation barked at me and I must confess to barking any reply back but I'm so frustrated with where we are. I hate to feel so alone and isolated when in the room with someone who is supposed to love me.

His voice when I was away sounded full of promise, he sounded like he really missed me, I think I kidded myself that maybe he was going to make an effort. But no, sadly all I did was increase the height my heart had to fall.


I was so cold last night lay shivering, I've been feeling the cold since back off hol's, I told him and he suggested PJ's and turn the other way. I give up!

At least when we part I can say hand on heart I did try. I've tried so hard for the past 3 years, it should hurt this much, it shouldnt be this hard to been seen or heard. In some respects I wish I didn't love him as much, but its so hard when I have spent over half my life with him to just turn a page. Yet at times I feel like he already did, he just doesn't want to let me go,

I'm like a toy that he has finished playing with but doesn't want anyone else to touch and I so need to be touched, held and loved. It's who I am.

Im Back - but limping :-(

Landed late last night and back home to empty house. Kids are away for a few nights with my parents. I'm out with friends today from 12! wine tasting, food then drinking till late, back t mine for a Wii party!!

I shall no doubt regret all as Ive had 3 hours sleep in 3 days due to having a fall while away. Ive dislocated by knee, done some kind of ligament damage and I knocked myself clean out for a few mins. So will have to rethink the foot wear tonight! Outfit will now have to suit riding boots me thinks. That should also hide the swarm of midgie bights that have accumulated this week on what is otherwise nicely tanned legs.

Had an amazing time with the children this week, my daughter is such a beautiful person and i don't just mean to look at. she is graceful, polite, intelligent and humble, she is only 8 yet but played mother to all the small children at the pool side and the disco. share all that she had and took nothing.

My son, wow, he is growing up so much he is 6 and remove the graceful, that he is not and replace with dirt finding and cheeky but again he had shared everything and took pleasure from watching others enjoy his toys. He has entertained everyone and just like me he loves to dance for him life has a rhythm, everything he does has a skip, a wiggle or a foot tap, he says everything he does has a tune in his head... it made me smile so much.

Ive spent a week as a proud Mum.

But.....Confused by the husband, he has gone away as I return home yet he said he was desperate to see me and the kids, again words seem easier than the actions. It worries me the distance he puts between us (inc the children) they complained they missed there grandfather daily, never him.

This time next week my lover returns for 4 days. I'm started to get excited, it's been about 6 weeks since I've been touch or held in any significant way and I so need it. I need to curl up in his arms right now and drift of to sleep knowing I'm cared for.

Off to paint nails, drink a bucket of coffee and polish tan!

away for the week

I'm packed and ready, car coming early tomorrow to collect me and the kids.

Only things outstanding are:

Not speaking to Mother (who is coming with me)
Husband not speaking to me (he isn't coming with me)
Putting the bins out

1st one is an issue... but I think it will resolve itself by either necessity or me hitting the bar getting drunk and telling her to stop moaning and sort her life out.(may be not a great plan as her problem is drink, but its all inclusive so I'm planing on letting my hair down and filling my boots)

2nd one also a slight issue but it will save on phone bills as no point calling him other than to check if there is an international dial tone on his phone as I think he has fucked off to Spain without telling me. If he has, it will be a gift, it will be a catalyst for the end.

3rd.. major issue.... its snowing and i have just painted my toe nails so can only wear flip flops until they dry! I'm sure I will cope or the driver will do them for me.

I think the suit cases are way over weight but been through it a few times and I cant bare to remove anything else. The kids back packs are jam packed to the top I think children's services will be called when the see the torture of them carrying them. As for me, I will be like Heidi, wearing all my belongings. Have even dumped some toiletries and will buy them when I get there so I could have another pair of heels!

posts might be thin on the ground so bare with me, I so need a rest, a tan and some time with the children away from the husband

and i thought i covered it up well

My children attend many dance classes and I am great friends with the owners of the dance school and some of the mums, I'm the one that gets things organised. I'm the loud one the kids listen too.

To go along with the image of the confident mum you have to hold the thought that I'm fuller figured, work in the creative sector but hold senior positions so I dress loud but professional.

So I turn up at dance in my work attire, knee high 5" boots, lace stockings, a low cut black wrap dress and hair up, make up on full tilt. All other mums are in sweat pants or jeans and t's. I'm chatting away to one of the girls who ask why and how I always look so glam when the owner chirps up yes how come you are, we are all running a book on you being a dominatrix and if your not you should be!

I laughed so much, seems the sexual nature is hard to hide. she even offered the use of the basement if i need premises!

escaped the weekend

I did the equivalent of drunk and dial, I got totally off my face and emailed! Never a good start to a weekend.

I told HIM I'd had enough, yet again he had told me he would be online and I agreed to be there. Yet again he stood me up! this time his wife wasn't home he had just gone out. Now don't get me wrong I don't care if he goes out or what he does I dont own him, I just care that he asked me to be there and I was, he didn't have the common decency to text or email to say his plans had changed.

Back to the husband....

I was wrong to panic that he would ask for sex, he never touched me, he never tried to even kiss me all weekend, with an exception of a kiss on the cheek as he passed over a perfunctory valentines card.

He got me flowers and chocolates and immediately took the huff that I hadn't got him anything. I promptly reminded him that last year he didn't get me anything and in his defence last year he had said that we were past needing to get gifts for each other on such days and he didn't get me anything for Xmas not even a gift or card from the kids to Mummy. Again I don't care so much that he didn't, but it bothers the hell out of me that he thinks he is now the injured party and has not stopped mentioning it since.

Im back at work now and pleased of the sanctuary. I'm fortunate to work with my best friend and whilst she only knows one side of me its enough for anyone to cope with... that stated she does say im the most entertaing and sexy of people she knows (and she doesnt know the half of it)... I must be paying her too much!!

Valentines day sucks

I have managed to avoid the last 2 valentines days by working away but alas its a Sunday! I am doomed!

My parents delivered the devastating blow to me, I almost fell to the floor as I felt me knees buckle when they said great news, we are taking the kids out and they can sleep over! My mum added insult to injury by winking and doing an unsavoury hip action for a woman in her 60's!!

Part of the worry is that he will make an effort, silly really but now we have got this far i want him to continue to ignore me. I don't want to be the one the turns him away for sex when he has been doing that to me for years.

I want to be able to say he hasn't, he didn't, he wont and he will not .... as I know that he will think one effort will negate the years of neglect. And it wont, it cant ever.

So operation avoid valentines when into full wing this morning

1) we got free cinema tickets from a supplier! (great sit in silence in a room full of other people, and yes i did go and buy them cash this morning)

2) tampons placed silently in full view on the loo(enough said, he is never going to check!)

3) best friend emergency on standby (she is ready to fake being dumped by fake boyfriend... payment in wine and choc's)

4) have worn glasses all night saying I feel like a migraine is about to start (worst case scenario I go hide in a darkened room at a moments notice... must make sure mobiles are charged so I don't get bored!)

Must say last valentines was so much better, was in UAE, I got asked out by an international footballer and got Paparazzied at a posh function ending up in paper!

Too little too late

from being ignored to this.... give me being ignored please!

The husband has decided to be full on!!!! I've had 2 days of him touching me and trying to kiss me, I hadn't realised how much I had moved on. I felt violated when he grabbed my bum, I would of welcomed a stray feel from a stranger in a crowded pub more. As for him trying to kiss me on the lips, he hasn't kissed me like that for over a year. I felt suffocated and turned my head. he even asked how my day had been and what my plans were for the weekend.

Last night he was drunk and he tried to touch me while he thought I was asleep, I lay so still and fought back the tears. It hurts that he doesn't consciously want me.

Perhaps he has realised I'm backing away?? perhaps he has counted up what he is going to loose?? perhaps he is feeling guilty?? whatever it is its too little too late, I cant do it anymore, I dont want him anymore.

And whatever it is I have a feeling it is going to bring things to a head this weekend. Cant believe its valentines! that could be great time for it all to end.

My daughter was looking at cards for her Dad and brothers and asked if I was getting daddy one, out the corner of my eye I saw a 'sorry you're leaving card' an idea I had had the other day, it had a picture of cases packed on it, I chuckled for a moment and thought luggage idea would compliment it well! I answered the daughter that there wasn't a card that explained how I felt about Daddy there.